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A long complicated one, bear with me


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Hello,

I'm new here, so hello to everyone!

 

Anyway, this will be a long post, but i'll try to keep it interesting and as short as possible....

 

Firstly, introduction, I am a chinese, male, 20, Singaporean(and no, its not somewhere in China, its just below Malaysia, at the SEA region, a cosmopolitian and diverse place) currently in the army(my country has a compulsory 2yr stint in the army), will be completing my service next year, heading to Australia after that to study, and maybe, migrate.

 

Okay, here's my 'story'

I've been single for nearly 2 years, I've been rejecting dates all the way ever since I've entered army, for various reasons, I've been cheated on numerous times, plus my family is very dysfunctional, that's why I feel vunerable, insercure and emotional in relationships. Next is my depression, which is self-explanitory, I'm recovering now, but not completely recovered, still cannot eat lunch, and experience early morning wakings, but I'm beginning to love myself....I still hate myself though...haha, complicated right?

 

Okay, I went over to our neighbouring country(Malaysia) and met her, to make a long story short, she's a friend's friend, and soon after, we had a date, and for some reason, I could connect with her like I never could with anyone else. Why I agreed to the date is also a mystery. But I like her a lot, you could say she was the girl of my dreams, sweet, homely, caring, understanding, matured(she's 3 years older), bubbly, fiesty, etc. She likes me and I like her, we both kinda flirted with each other, and soon enough, we admitted our liking for each other, strangest thing is, I like her for her wonderful personality, but she can't put a finger on why she likes me, she said things like I was attractive, and that she liked my passionate spirit, and all that, but she never said why she liked me, she said that you do not need a reason to like anyone, which is my first huge point of doubt. More on that later.

 

She's studying is a far off place(Russia), and at that place, she has no fixed lines, no internet connections, nothing other than her handphone. Initially, I thought we could maintain a SMS relationship, but I guess I was fustrated, because contact is very minimal. She is also stressed, and wanted to push the whole thing to summer, when she came back, and she could hang out with me. But even if she could, so what? Maybe she's ok being with me only in the summer, but I can't. It just feels wrong to me.

 

Problems

Initially, I thought a SMS relationship will work out, but she gradually got colder and colder, I thought that she was sick with me(still not sure yet), but I guess I was thinking too much, cos she just went over and perhaps was still adapting. Anyway, the gist of it is that SMS love cannot work. So I asked her what she wanted, but she did not reply. So I asked to be friends, she agreed, and 3 hours after the whole thing, she sent me a nasty SMS, which said something like I'm just a liar and didn't mean what I said, and that she was a fool to believe me.

 

okay, then i tried to explain how that i felt that it was kinda impossible, and since she didn't want to say anything, i think its best that we end it. I wasn't playing with her at all, I seriously thought that it would work, it sounds stupid and naive, but i never tried, furthermore, i keep hearing things on how these relationships could work, I really tried my best already, but since things are not working out, why not end it? if let's say in 5yrs time, we end up same place, and still have some interest, then so be it, but for now its impossible. she didn't reply, so i thought that i should give her some time...

 

a few days later, i tried to explain again, but she said something quite sarcastic, and when i tried to call her, she cut my line off, that night i sat in my friend's car and cried and cried, got drunk, cried somemore(a first for me, i always laugh when i'm drunk)...and i hardly cry, believe me.... she keeps treating my feelings like crap, keep thinking i'm lying, and not meaning what i say...and this is not the first time....

it has been 2 years since i was really interested in anyone, i treat my feeling with weight, its not easy when people take that and step on it...ok, anyway, i was pretty mad at her then, unfortunately, the next day....she apologised....but she said she was quite confused, so i thought, give her some time....so now here it is, i'm giving her time, but for some reason, i think that i'll be played out in the end, most of my relationships ended like that, a sudden cold blast, then a breakup without any explination, when i ask for explination, they just hang up, few days later, they put up a pic with another guy on their MSN....it's always that way....

 

What i felt was that she was just having a crush, even though she keeps denying it, she says things like she likes me a lot, but dunno if she loves me and stuff like that, furthermore, the initial impression i gave was quite different i guess, she thought i was one of those guys who was more outgoing, and in relative terms, more 'wild', the type that goes clubbing, etc. she ever told me that she likes violent guys, and her ex. who she loved a lot smoked, drank, etc. the thing is, i'm not like that, i went a bit wild over there as i was stressed, but i do not enjoy these experiences....so it might be that she was in love with my initial appearance, not me. strangest thing of all, she's a pretty mild and homely girl? but it seems all gals are like that? more on that below...but its just me thinking la, she never said so....so i might be just thinking too much...we both agreed to be open to each other, so if she haven't told me otherwise, i feel that i'm pretty bad to assume things....

 

she was pretty serious with her ex. though, she knows how it feels like to be played and hurt, i don't think she'll bluff me or anything, but sometimes, emotions get out of control...but her ex. was pretty wild, drinking and smoking non stop...at least she considered him wild....

 

okay, some problems with me, i feel confident, powerful, carefree and independent when i'm single, but when i'm attached, i get emotional and weak, i worry too much, i get insercure, i think too much, i feel helpless and powerless, i feel constrained and unhappy, but i do feel some deep sense of joy and hope....so its other than the rare times, i usually feel helpless...its like you're responsible to her for your actions....its my fault regarding this, i should be stronger....i feel so carefree as a single person, you can fool around, do stupid crazy stuff and do super stupid things, but after you get attached, it seems like i mellow down a lot, which i dislike....

 

I feel out of control when i'm attached, alone, i feel powerful and in control, no matter what people do or feel, i can remain happy and stable, in a relationship, it seems like my moods are also controlled by the actions and feelings of the other party, i feel like my control is slipping, then i start thinking too much, getting onto an emotional rollercoaster, then i start to implode.....maybe it's because i find it very hard to trust anyone....i want to control my life, my fate, my destiny, not leave it to the wind....

 

anyway, my emotions fluctuates as follows

 

guilt:

the emotion i feel the most, i feel as if i was responsible for her, although i know that to a certain extent, i should be easy on myself, i'm sincere, and thought whatever stupid idea i conjoured would work, but it didn't, when her ex. broke with her, she cried every night and went binge drinking, i don't want that to happen to her, although i know that that is most likely what is happening, i still can't figure out where i went wrong, but i know that i should have been more careful and thought more, but i liked her too much, i let my emotions rule my head....somedays, i wake up at 4 am feeling like i'm crap, i can't believe that i'm one of those guys that hurt her, she's very very hurt over it, i know it....

 

anger:

so far, all the girls i have met likes bad boys, for some unknown reason, which i absolutely cannot comprehend, maybe i wasn't as bad as she liked? or whatever? i'm not a spinelss worm, but i believe that if i can do something to please someone, at the sacrifice of a little time or effort, i would do it, because in the end, the person that is happiest is me, i do not treat people like dirt because i know how it feels like, at the end of the day, when you feel like crap, and someone pulls a stunt on you, you just feel like like ****, the worst thing of all, is when i do sweet things for the girls i love(d), they'll say things like 'you're such a sweet guy' or 'you're a nice guy' in a disappointed tone, you know? those tone where it drops down to an inaudiable range.... and so far, most of them has told me they like pain? even she? its just the same old pattern, i can see it coming, in a week or two, she'll hook up with some bad ass, then she'll say things like 'i don't love you' and when they break, she'll come and cry to me(usually, this is the point where i start screaming at them), and no, i do not look weak nor act like a pushover, i go gym 3 times a week, i broke the arm of the third party in one of my previous relationships when he patted my face and said something like 'what are you going to do now?', i might be nice, but push it too far and i'll break your face, why are girls like that? why do they like all the dicks? there's even a chinese proverb that say 'man not bad, woman no love', stupid women, some days i hate all women in the world, i know i sound like an idiot now, and not all women are like that, but so far, why? why do they keep treating me so coldly when i'm sweet and warm to them? why do they keep finding guys who hurt them and make them cry? why? its very very mysterious to me, maybe some of you can tell me why? it drives me insane, i keep seeing all the nice girls with the guys that smoke, drink, prostitute and two time? why? i might say a lot here, its cos i'm feeling it now, actually i dun feel it that much la....ha....but i can't assume she's like that,but i won't be surprised that if she's like that....

 

'missing you':

I miss her, a lot. She's my dream girl, she's homely, wifely, yet intellegent and smart. the perfect woman. she knows how i feel about life, our families are both screwed, etc., i can connect with her like i can't if others, we're open with each other...at least i am, in a way, i know how she feels too...i want to be with her, but can't, that's the gist of it. i might say very little here, but actually this is my strongest emotion...you should know la....

 

sadness:

why did it not work out? she was really my perfect girl, i just feel sadness, why did she treat my emotions like crap? i really liked her....what's up with the coldness? we were so happy before?

 

joy:

normally felt after gymming/going out with frens...shortly after this, i'll feel 'guilt' again....

 

what i plan to do

 

1) move on. sound cruel and selfish, but i've gone though much more than this, for my mom, for my friends, for everyone that cares, and for myself, it'll be very very hard to forget, but i will do it.

 

2)try to make it an amiable breakup: i still like her. but i dunno if we can even b frens now...i really feel for her, i really love her, but its too hard, better now than a year later, then i think something really horrible will happen. better to cut it off now than let it be uncontrollable....but if we remain in contact, we might still have a chance, i do not believe in 'fate' nor 'the one', we make our own destinies, so i want to have at least a lifeline, a chance of being together again.

 

after 2 years of being a monk, this is what i get....probably going back to monkhood again...unless i can't resist the temptation of finding a crutch.... in addition to missing her, i also miss being important to someone, having someone say words of concern and mushy things to you...a close friend is getting closer than i expected....so i need to control that now, don't want to hurt anyone again....

 

in the end, i know that all i want is to be with her, i got a feeling that had we stayed in the same country, this will work out....she's really my dream girl, no one else like her...i really really miss her in my life....it has been 2weeks already since we had no contact....

 

just listening to those sad love songs and bleeding inside.... i've been pumping iron till i can't properly pull or push doors open...but i still find the energy to remember how she looks like, how she acted, her voice, our date, the things we talked about....

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