He did it again how do i get through this HELP

[GothicLolita]

I've posted before on help with my boyfriends(25) cyber/phone sex addiction

.Didn't help me much.I had information i had gathered online and given it to him and we WHERE working on him staying on the right track but he went back to his old ways for the 3third time.

Now i'm a huge emotional wreck because i've been in and out of the hospital and in a hell of alot of physical pain plus lots of meds...

 

He cheated on me on the 19th this month,thats when i had to go to the hospital and he had a phone sex session with one of his "favorites" he even put in 10$ from his credit card into his account..I feel to g*ddamn stupid and angry that he'd be stupid enough to do this to me again.

 

He knows this is when i need him most i'm in alot of pain and can hardly do anything by myself because of the wound and pain..

 

He says used his credit card and doesn't know what i'm talking about i know hes lying but i i'm trapped i don't know what to do i was trying my best to help him over come his addiction it seems like he doesn't love me enough to want to get help.I love him because of all the hard times but i don't want to take this abuse but

 

Techinaly i'm homeless i have nowhere to go i'm in new jersey haven't finished my ged classes and don't have a job. I can't just go to friends house don't have any or my parents because they don't have a room for me i'm so stressed about what i can do now i feel so stupid and worthless.

 

i don't think a man/women with ever respect me and treat me with love

[crookster_man]

Wow calm down there now. First off, your man isn't trying to screw with you or ruin your life. As for the addiction, most specialist will say these kinds of things are only addictions if they negatively impede your life (ie to much time and money wasted) now you might think the odd call and 10$ here and there is impeding his life but i really doubt it would be a typical "addiction"

 

That being said I understand that it does bother you greatly. Some people don't care if their other looks at porn or engages in phone sex others are very bothered by it. Neither is right or wrong it's just personal preference. You've tried working through it with him and it doesn't seem to be working

 

At the same time you said you feel like you cannot leave him because you will have no where to go. So right now you feel pretty much trapped... immobilized. Honestly some times life places us in very difficult situations. It's up to us to decide how we react. There is a saying I like to use. "Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react".

 

I'm not going to try and tell you to do this or that. Or how to try and talk to your man. It sounds like he isn't willing to change. This is clearly a deal breaker for you. So you're at an impasse. Clearly you shouldn't be with him. However you cannot just leave either (or so you believe). Basically you have a couple of choices

 

1. Accept him as he is, and swallow your pride

2. Move out and try and figure things out once you're away

3. Break it off and try to still live together

4. Freak out and remain paralyzed with fear and depression

 

I'm sure you can come up with your own options. My point is, YOU need to make a choice. Sorry I'm being harsh, but you sound like you need it. The world isn't always a pretty place.

[ReadyorNot]

Did he actually CHEAT on the 19th of this month or was it the phone/cyber sex that you are referring to?

[GothicLolita]

Sorry if i can off like i was freaking out i DO not believe hes trying to screw with me or ruin my life.And he does have an addiction he's even admitted it and i no about the money because i hacked into the account and looked at his transaction FYI hes spent alot of the money he doesn't have on it.Cheating to me can be emotional,physicaly or mental

i look at porn with him together as well as other things and i don't care i enjoy it

 

but if he's going to do things with other people behind my back and brake his vow of honestly then that is cheating because hes lying about what he does.

 

Its not pride its about respect when you love and respect someone would you want to hurt them if you knew by drinking all the time it would hurt would you still want to do it?.Pride has nothing to do with the fact that i hate liars. so i'm sorry if you don't understand my position.

 

I have made my choices along time ago i just wanted someone who could relate.thank you for your advice none the less.

[GothicLolita]

Yes he did cheated with one of his "favorites operators" the same morning i had to go to the hospital i checked his transactions.While i was asleep he did it .

 

he deleted the his whole recent calls last night so i wouldn't have proof

[ReadyorNot]

Oh dear.. get rid of him then... you deserve someone who will treat you better....

[GothicLolita]

i would love to but i need to find a good paying job to atleast rent a room.Hes acting like the whole thing never happened now

[melrich]

As for the addiction, most specialist will say these kinds of things are only addictions if they negatively impede your life (ie to much time and money wasted) now you might think the odd call and 10$ here and there is impeding his life but i really doubt it would be a typical "addiction"

 

That being said I understand that it does bother you greatly. Some people don't care if their other looks at porn or engages in phone sex others are very bothered by it. Neither is right or wrong it's just personal preference. You've tried working through it with him and it doesn't seem to be working

 

I have to add some comments to this.

 

First. I don't know of any woman that would be OK with their partner having phone sex behind their back. That is cheating. It may not be physical cheating but it is emotional cheating. (in fact I am going to post this question to the board).

 

Second. Of course this is an addiction. It's not about the $10 it is about her ending up in hospital. He is lying and sneaking around behind her back to do something that causes great distress to his partner. That is going to severely impact the life of anyone, including him and he is continuing this activity despite its severe impact.

[crookster_man]

Hmm I would have to disagree with your statements melrich. Some couples engage in the practice of swinging (sharing partners) in many places in the world having multiple wives is a accepted thing. So as you can see "cheating" is a very subjective thing

 

Second, the reason why I post the question about the "addiction" is because were only hearing one side of the story. I could be with a woman who gets very upset that I watch TV after work. She would get emotional and state that I have an addiction and that if I don't stop that she would leave me. Now is what I'm doing really an addiction. Perhaps I don't stop because I believe she is irrational or maybe I don't care enough about her to worry about her feelings? My point is, much like the term cheating, addiction can also be a subjective thing. Just because your actions harm another doesn't mean it's a negative addiction. Perhaps the other is to easily offend or creates the negative feelings in the first place?

 

 

Anyways, this is way off topic. To the OP, if this is truly bothering you then you know what you must do. In fact you've already said it. Clearly he will not change either because he can't or he doesn't care enough to. Time to move on, as hard as it may be. Staying in this situation is worse

[melrich]

Some couples engage in the practice of swinging (sharing partners) in many places in the world having multiple wives is a accepted thing. So as you can see "cheating" is a very subjective thing

 

No that is clearly not cheating. It is consensual between the two partners. What we are talking about here is one partneer doing this behind anothers back.

 

It is the conduct of activities behind someone's back that is the issue. You may well be right and some people may be Ok with their partner conducting this type of sexual activity behind their back...I am just surprised and think if anyone was OK they'd be in a very small minority.

[ehm doubleyou]

This may have been suggested and such but maybe when you are recovered ....you two can get into alittle role playing ...you can be the operator with your own name and he can talk to you. just a suggestion...but I do feel as though having phone sex is a form of cheating...not as harsh as it actually happening but still

[GothicLolita]

Thanks Ehm DoubleYou.

 

I've told him we should try it before but i'm not his phone type he likes =(

just seems i'm not good enough for that to him he needs someone better

[ScreenagerX]

Ok.

 

I am going to speak from a first-hand point of view. Now I don't know if everybody is going to be the same but nonetheless, hear me out.

 

Firstly : For some (myself included) viewing porn is an escape from reality. I could spend 6 - 7 hours looking at the stuff & the house could be burning down around me & I probably wouldn't notice until I got burnt. The reason for the need to escape will (possibly) stem from something that has happened in real life. In my case it was the death of a friend on my wedding night. I needed to escape from trying to deal with all that with my wife.

 

Secondly : Porn (or the chemical that similiar activities produce) brings on a chemical in the brain which is very pleasurable. For me, viewing porn was not about masturbation but just viewing the images & creating the fantasy. Unfortunately (like other drugs eg heroin) the second time you look at porn is not as good as the first. So of course you look at more of it, your look at more hardcore pictures etc etc

 

I may not be as bad as some but bad nonetheless. I have accepted the fact that I have an addiction & I am dealing with it everyday. I am still in counselling & we are working through a lot of it. I have made headway though. I never paid for anything that I looked at (apart from the actual internet connection) for fear of a 'mysterious' bill turning up on the credit card & my wife catching me.

 

Eventually, she did find out. I had numerous images saved on our hardrive & one day she found them. We spent alot of time (and counselling) trying to work through it with some success. The biggest problem I had was her lack of support early on. When she found it all, she just threw me out & threw her wedding ring at me. Although she did come around some later to try & salvage what we had, but it hurt that she could so quickly write me off. Unfortunately we have since parted anyway, we just grew apart during the healing period.

 

GothicLolita, your BF's problem is not with you. It is with himself. He is not trying to find someone prettier or sexier. He may just be trying to escape or recapture a feeling he has once had. In the same token, phone sex is cheating, online cyber sex is cheating, viewing porn without your partner is cheating. He has done you wrong & he needs to understand that. For your own health you need to decide whether you cut him loose or try & support him as he may not be ready to give it up yet which will only end up hurting you more.