confused about my superior

[Spicy baby]

I am attracted to a superior at work. Everyone in the office knows were are close. Recently he found out I was going to see a guy on the weekend that I missed and was talking about. I was later approached by another co-worker telling me that he was asking questions about who this guy was and if we were "special friends" He later approached me before the weekend asking me what was going on with this guy and said the reason he was asking was because he wants to see me happy. On top of that he is always saying "I love you", or tells me how pretty or smart I am, and hugs me, or rubs my shoulders or play fights with me. It has gotten to the point my co-workers believe he has a crush on me. I have had feelings for him for a long time and am sure he feels the same. I am confused due to the fact he has a girlfriend ( to which he seems to sometimes put down) and is my superior. Is he just being flirty or are my instincts off? And if he is flirting how should I handle it?

[suprema99]

The question is, how do you want to handle it? I think he likes you cause he wouldn't question the other guy like that. Your insticts are right. Office romance and he's got another girl though.I can tell by your post. You sound really pretty. Forget this guy though, your better than chasing a guy that already has a girl. I want to work with you, lol Goodluck

[shes2smart]

On top of that he is always saying "I love you", or tells me how pretty or smart I am, and hugs me, or rubs my shoulders or play fights with me.

 

This is inappropriate work behavior for someone who is your supervisor. The only thing that's saving his butt right now is the fact that you don't find the attention unwelcome...for the time being.

 

It is very rarely a good idea to become romantically involved with someone you work with, unless you really don't care about that job.

 

Having said that, I have crossed that line between work and personal myself twice. First time, it resolved itself fine. When the relationship had run its course, we were able to go back to being nothing more than co-workers with no drama and no one else in the office ever knew about our personal relationship. Second time (and it was with someone higher up the food chain) it was the main factor that led to my leaving a job I'd had for over 15 years when it all crashed & burned.

 

If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. Work is work, personal is personal and you'd be better off to keep a thick wall between the two.

[DN]

Two major difficulties - he is your supervisor and he has a girlfriend. Neither is good news for you.

[darkblue]

Red Flag

 

Never mix business with pleasure and don't get involved with somone in a relationship.

 

Back off.

[ravens_folly]

hi, yeah... well honestly that sounds like sexual harassment to me...

 

i am in the same situation at my work and am now finally quitting because its gotten to much... I ask my boss to stop it several times and he claims he is in "love" with me anyways, he HAS A GIRLFRIEND! sooo

basically... BAD NEWS! GET AWAY, GET FAR AWAY!

[annie24]

My best friend always says, "Don't poop where you eat!"

 

This relationship is bad on so many levels. If he is seriously attracted to you, tell him you'll date him, after he breaks up with his gf and after he switches branches of the company, or finds a new job.

 

If you start dating him, and things go sour, who do you think will be asked to leave the company? If you answered, "Yourself" then you got it right.

[shes2smart]

If you start dating him, and things go sour, who do you think will be asked to leave the company? If you answered, "Yourself" then you got it right.

 

I second that. In the situation I lived through with being involved with someone higher up the food chain -- I outranked him in seniority, I wasn't the one who started the flirtation, I was single and unattached at the time the flirtation started (he wasn't), and yet I was the one who got pressured into leaving after it blew up. The company did not have a specific no-dating policy and the quality of my work was such that they had no immediate, documentable reasons to fire me....however, given enough time, my gut feeling is they would have found something.

 

I made a series of very poor decisions and am lucky that I was able to find a better job and leave on my own before I was asked to leave. It made for several incredibly unpleasant months...nearly a year...in a very hostile work environment. Are you really willing to risk enduring a similar situation if things do not go perfectly?

[shes2smart]

My best friend always says, "Don't poop where you eat!"

 

I always heard it phrased as "Don't get your honey where you get your money"

[suprema99]

I agree also. When you work with people you have to draw the line, like dark blue said. Business with pleasure. If something wrong happens like annie said, you could risk maybe your job, or create for yourself an enviorment that you don't want to be involved with. I would also say keep your social life away from work if possible.

[Spicy baby]

The only problem is, how do I separate the work from the personal?. I have tried to distance myself from him and cut off any communication that wonders off the professionalism path. But when that happens he then becomes sullen and miserable and takes it out on myself and the rest of the staff. He then spends most of the time trying to talk to me about what is going on or trying everything to make me happy. I just feel like I am in a situation where it is either play the game or leave. If you were in my situation what would you do?

[suprema99]

Hey spicy, this guy doesn't care about you. He knows he's your superior and he's probably used to getting what he wants, or he's done this with other girls he's worked with in the past. . I know it probably sounds attractive to you right know. Everyone said keep the business out of it if possible. Plus he's got another girl. What makes you special to him? Find someone else if possible. Read all of the posts that people wrote. It makes complete sense,

[shes2smart]

How much do you want to keep this particular job?

 

If you're in a position where you can find something better, maybe it's time to move on. If you are unwilling or not able to look for a better job (let's face it, good jobs are more plentiful in some cities than others and I don't know what the economy is like where you're at), then you have to play the hand you were dealt.

 

When people I work with start asking questions I feel are too personal, I give vague, non-answers. Stuff like, "Things are going well." "Can't complain." "Oh, I didn't really do much of anything this weekend." Then follow up with a question about work or a neutral topic..."Do you remember when that project is due?" or "Do you know what the weather's going to be like this weekend?" or "Are (local sports team) playing at home this week?"

 

Eventually, most people will get the hint, get bored if you're consistant at not giving any details, or (if you're really good at asking questions...) will wind up talking about themselves or complaining about work to fill the void.

 

A boss that takes his bad moods out on his staff is not a very good boss. It smacks of immaturity....and that's not a trait you're gonna find in a good leader.

 

You'll probably need to practice, but what you need to aim for is polite, friendly and civil but distant. It takes some time to figure out how to do that but it's not impossible and it's worth the effort. Trust me on this...when I was your age work and personal were a big sloppy mess in my life.

[Spicy baby]

Thanks for the advice I think that the only way out of this is to just leave, it is just not worth it to subject myself to it everyday. I think I just needed to have someone else tell me what I was already thinking. Thanks again

[randy]

first . he has a GF . 2nd he's your boss . Talk to him and tell him to stop . But understand that you may be looking for another job even if you confront him about his behaivor or if you just let it be .

 

Now my question is . . . do you want a romantic relationship with him ? Personally I stay far away from individuals that are already "involved" . He does'nt seem like a great catch either . Making fun of his GF . . .

 

EDIT: If I were you I would talk to him about it and if he stops then great . I know it can be difficult finding other jobs .

[Spicy baby]

Update I offically found out that he as broken up with his GF and has been for months. Somehow it came out about how I felt about him and we talked it through or at least I thought. He told me that he can't think that way and that he has programmed himself not to think about it and i should to just not think about it. So we discussed it and I told him that I need to stay away from him personally for a while and he got sad and i thought we had dealt with it and moved on. Then things just seemed to get worse from there he runs hot and cold and has totally frozen me out and has even seemed to be mad at me for some reason, I even asked him if he was upset with me and he replied coldly. I have applied for other jobs and turned them down as they don't have much to offer compared to this one. Stupid as it seems I thought confronting it was the best idea since we were so close, but I know that I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it. But until i can find a new job how do I handle this? It just seems that he is trying to punish me for some reason. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle it while i find a new job?