Having a baby- is there ever truly a "right" time?

[BellaDonna]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 2. Lately we've been discussing the pitter-patter of little feet. Yet we don't come to any conclusions because it all seems so complicated. We do agree that we want 1 child- but that we want to have it when the time is "right".

 

Him and I are both control freaks/perfectionists in our own ways- not in a negative sense- but we like to control the course of our lives especially when it comes to finances. We're high achievers. We like to avoid adversity/hardships whenever possible. We currently both work full-time. I make a little more than him, but our salaries are similar. My career has really taken off over the past 2 years and I'm beginning to make "a name for myself" in my field of work.

 

We own a boat, a home, and we are re-designing most of our home. We travel a lot and are very free to do what we want when we want. I can't say we really lack for anything material. We both grew up poor and worked hard for all we have. We do not have a lot of money saved right now though . We're trying to save more money in hopes of creating the "right time" to have a child.

 

Both of our familes are crazy (that is even an understatement). He always grew up in a rough, dysfunctional home-and my family has become terribly messed-up in recent years. (His mother is mentally ill and a drug addict- my mother is now cheating on my father and dating a violent ex felon- needless to say- these "grandmothers" won't be doing any babysitting for our child)

 

Despite some of the wacko things that happen around us- currently we live a very peaceful, serene, life together. When it comes down to it- him and I are best friends and we truly count on eachother for ALL love and support in life. We do not have a support system of family around us at all. We keep to ourselves a lot- and stay away from the negative lifestyles of others who only bring us down. We're a strong unit of 2- and wondering if and when we should make it 3....

 

We discuss having a child often- but it always such a long discussion with no conclusion. Can there ever be a "right" time? I'm starting to think that if we wait for a "right" time- we will be waiting for eternity because it will never come.

 

Our major obstacles are that we'll be doing this alone- (no help from anyone we are related to) and that it will indefinitely mean some time out of work for me, and I'm not sure we could live the same way we do now financially. I also risk losing my status on the career ladder. We also realize that we cannot make a child live in a little bubble- and that we will not be able to "keep to ourselves" as much as we do now. This child will NEED to see it's grandparents (supervised of course), only to be fair- so we'll have to open the door to our dysfunctional familes again. Perhaps the family situation is the worst obstacle of all.

 

We really don't know what to do.

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

I think that if you are always putting it off to the right time, or finding that everytime you reach a pre-determined right time, you decide that the right time is something else, there will never be a "right time".

 

Having a child is definitely a tremendous responsibility and change in your life, no matter how financially prepared, the emotional preparation may never be entirely ready.

 

I believe people are meant to adapt...you adapt to your situation. If you have a child now, as long as your relationship is strong and nourishing, I think the time is right, as honestly all the preparations in the world rarely would meet the reality.

 

What time is right varies for each person - for me I want children, but I also am terrified at the sacrifices that come along with it. However knowing that, I also know that its worth it, and that it is possible to still remain your own person. Sometimes we are not given the best examples of motherhood/fatherhood - I remember I did NOT want children as I saw so many people who gave up their lives entirely when they had kids. My mother was one of the only ones I knew who did not and I feared I could never be as capable as her. But now, I see many more women I know who pursue similar things to me (ie cycling/racing) whom have children and still have balance and still pursue the things they love, with great partners whom help out, that its not so scary anymore. Yes, life changes, but it does not have to mean you give it all up - besides what a great example to your children to show that you are still a human being whom follows their passions (while of course caring and nurturing them!).

 

I am 26 now, and in a stable relationship and we both plan on remaining together lifelong, although I know right now I am not ready for a child, as I am planning on going back to school next fall, won't be done until I am 30-something. And then a family can begin (plus I want some time with my partner just us for a few years first too!). HOWEVER, having said that, if something WERE to happen, we would adapt. I hope not at this point, but we would, people just do. My mother had three kids by my age, and found herself a single parent at 27..with one low income job. Went back to school, met someone new, and you know what...she made it with very little. As she was ready to love and do the best she could. That's all you can do - the best you can do.

 

As for family I just have to say this - bad parents sometimes can make great grandparents for some reason. They too sometimes made mistakes and learned over time, or at least approach the relationship between their grandchildren differently - only you will be able to determine this though.

 

I think part of your fear too is the CHANGE. And a child will CHANGE things...but that does not mean for worse. If your relationship is strong, a child will accentuate and deepen your family bond. And honestly, if you are both perfectionists, it may even provide you with balance, perspective in life...a child does not always allow for "control-freakiness"...but that is not such a bad thing

 

You two need to search your heart, do you both truly want a child? What are your true fears? What are the positives? Why do you want and not want children? There will always be a fear in a sense of wondering if you can do it - but we would not be around ourselves if people could never do it.

 

And if your heart does not want them, thats something you need to consider too, not everyone must have children! It's a decision every couple must make (preferable BEFORE they get married and have children!).

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[RayKay]

Oh, I meant to also say I think that you should ensure you two do have a healthy, loving, stable relationship before bringing a child into it - a child should be a welcome addition and enhancement in your lives, and a creation from your love, not brought in this world as a way to "fix" things/problems in your relationship (not saying thats your intention, just for other people reading, as this seems to be an occasional "belief" that people have and sadly, it most often fails with the child being caught in the middle).

[DN]

A simplistic answer but true nonetheless is that you should only have children when you are both ready.

 

The problem is the old biological clock - so you need to decide together within that time-frame what you want to do - and then live with the decision. You don't have to have children and it would be a mistake to yield to family or societal pressure against your own inclinations. My sister decided she didn't want kids and is still happy that she made the right decision.

 

BTW - on a lighter note: a comedian whose name I forget says that when she and her husband wanted to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet they got a dog - not as expensive and you get more feet.

[BellaDonna]

BTW - on a lighter note: a comedian whose name I forget says that when she and her husband wanted to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet they got a dog - not as expensive and you get more feet

 

Well right now- there are 4 little fuzzy cat feet in our home- but for some reason kitty doesn't look like either one of us. Maybe she's the mailman's cat?

 

It's funny you said that abotu the dog- we won't even get a dog- we think they're too much work.

 

Are we hopeless? lol

[DN]

No - you have your own priorities.

 

Put it this way - it is not selfish to realise that you don't want children. Much better to be childless and happy than to have children for the wrong reasons and make yourselves and the children unhappy.

 

Soul-searching questions - maybe try to picture life with and without kids in ten years, then twenty then forty. Try to project out how you would feel at those times. If you do that it may be best to do it separately and then together.

[BellaDonna]

We truly do want a child- we just want things to be perfect- which is where we go wrong, I think.

 

I see my husband when he holds a baby- he literally glows. He'd make a great father.

 

We take his (our) niece and nephew on the weekends alot- we have a blast with them- though we are quite tired when they go home.

 

I guess time will tell....

 

I know that if right now we had more money saved as a cushion for me being out of work- and if we had some help from family (like many people are lucky enough to get) I'd probably be pregnant right now.

 

We struggle with what we'd do for childcare, etc. I just can't see bringing a life into this world- only to go to work and send the child to daycare as a tiny baby. You end up working to pay for daycare and then miss very important time with your child. You can't ensure that daycare workers are picking up your baby when it cries. I think age 3 is perfect for daycare because then they can at least come home and TELL you what happened while they were in somone else's care. Those first early years are the toughest. Yet if I choose to stay home we'd struggle financially. Before, in my mind, my mother was the person I would trust to watch a baby- now she's lost her mind and I don't feel the same way. We have less support then we did before....our foundation has changed. So it's going to be a big decision.

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Would you truly 'struggle' though financially, or would you simply have to learn to live within your means...most of us tend to live outside our means to begin with. It sounds like you two have several bonuses as is, with a house, boat and so on..having a child and choosing to stay home would mean scaling down on some extras, but not necessarily struggling, and learning how to live with one salary - meaning not going into extra debt, or spending too much on extras.

 

You may also look at him staying home instead of you if it makes more sense financially and in terms of career progression, benefits and so forth. Or you can look at job-sharing - some companies allow you to effectively share the job with another person in a halftime basis of sorts.

 

Itès something you need to evaluate - often two parents working and putting child in daycare makes no sense fiscally, as the amount you pay for daycare and other associated costs gives you very little extra in the end from the extra paycheck.

 

My mother as a single mom had three kids, and was pulling in Canadian dollars less than $20,000 a year for a while as she took evening classes, kept a house (as she did not want to put us in an apartment) and still provided us with opportunities in sports and so on...it can be done, it just takes budgeting and learning whats important to you and what not.

[Jetta]

Okay I'm going to be totally honest with you. It sounds to me like neither of you are anywhere near ready to have a child. You are very status focussed and because of that you will be very unhappy having a child at this time of your life. Finish doing the things you want to do, and then rethink the baby thing. You're still young there is no rush. Once you have a child there is no going back. You need to be prepared for a huge lack of control. A child is something that will alter your life in ways you can never plan for, never. Now that's the bad. The good is you will love this child more than you ever thought possible and see the world in a completely different way. A child will change your focus and you may not always like the way your focus has to change but they're needs come first. So if you're not ready for your world to turn upside down then hold off.

[rionmccloud]

Here's one thing I've learned about having a child: If you wait until you're ready, you never will be. Nobody is really ready for a child. Trust me, I know. But you learn to sacrifice and make everything work.

 

It's not just your life anymore, it's OUR life. Everything you do has to be good for the child. It's scary. When my son was born i was zoned out for about 6 months. Never really held him, never fed him, changed diapers. Nothing. It's a lot to deal with. Now I kick myself for ever feeling that way. I missed out on so much at the time and didn't even care....

 

But now I'm talking about my problems. The fact really is if you wait until you're ready you never will be. Some things just have to be done.

[DN]

Here's one thing I've learned about having a child: If you wait until you're ready, you never will be. Nobody is really ready for a child. Trust me, I know. But you learn to sacrifice and make everything work.

 

It's not just your life anymore, it's OUR life. Everything you do has to be good for the child. It's scary. When my son was born i was zoned out for about 6 months. Never really held him, never fed him, changed diapers. Nothing. It's a lot to deal with. Now I kick myself for ever feeling that way. I missed out on so much at the time and didn't even care....

 

But now I'm talking about my problems. The fact really is if you wait until you're ready you never will be. Some things just have to be done.

 

Well, that not at all my experience with my wife and the birth of our two daughters. We decided to have children, they were planned and we were as ready for the challenges as we could be.

[melrich]

My career has really taken off over the past 2 years and I'm beginning to make "a name for myself" in my field of work.

 

We own a boat, a home, and we are re-designing most of our home. We travel a lot and are very free to do what we want when we want. I can't say we really lack for anything material.

 

I agree with what the other posters are advising. I think many couples struggle with the kind of issues you are talking about here andf as DN says, you will have your own life priorities.

 

But if you have a child you will cope, and as RayKay says you will adjust your lifestyle. Trust me on this, all those things that you consider important now, the house, the boat, to an extent your careers, will pale into insignificance when you have a baby.

 

Kids do change your life, in a way that people without children really cannot grasp, but 99% of the change is fantastic, your whole perspectve on what is important and what is not changes.

[BellaDonna]

We talked about it a lot more last night over dinner.

 

We decided to think about it again in about a year and see where we stand.

 

 

BellaDonna