At 26 would you take on a partners kids?

[RooferGirl23]

Take it from someone who is living it.. every day.. if you love this girl, and her children (never called baggage, thats raw) and you know what you have to sacrifice, what to add, ect, they you go for it. Its not as scarry as some may make it seem. Of course its not all peaches and cream, not even close. but "love conquers all" and just be happy. The childrens love for you will grow more and more as the years pass. Their respect for you will grow as well, but remember, you have to give them respect, too. Always be affectionate, and no matter what they do..(they will do some whoppers..lol) you tell them you love them. They will push your buttons, tell you they HATE you, (thats when they REALLY love you.. yea, starange, but its true) tell you, "you aint my daddy" and so on.. but make sure even after ALL THAT, you still tell them you love them.

THATS # 1.

Do you love this woman and her children?

Then follow you heart.

[Shadows Light]

I do appologize.. I didn't mean to use the word baggage... not in terms of kids.. I meant it in terms of ... we all have lots of stuff in our past.. like pandoras box that we deal with.

 

 

The attachement has already formed. As you can see and have felt it. And hind-sight being 20/20... would you have date her from the beginning????

 

You do have a point about a relationship blooming and growing together. I guess that has some merit. But... thats by the book. The law of averages. People mature at different rates.

 

I think that I came into maturity sooner than my X. We are the same age. I wanted chidren before he did. My sense of responsibility, morals and values.. outpaced him. Maybe at one time we started off at the same rung on the ladder. I allowed myself to grow. And he was just happy where he was. Soooo the blooming and growing together... uhhhmmm don't buy it. You'll still grow togetheer regardless.

 

Its a different world out there today. Divorce rate at 60%. The older you get... the narrower your field of choice will be.

 

Soooo if you truly feel you LOVE her... then I think you can overcome the fear of added responsibility. Let me ask you something... what makes you think.. she would DUMP this responsibility in your lap. She's been doing it for 4 years. I'm sure she is looking for a PARTNER... but not a scape goat. Had you been a scape goat.. she'd have shuffled you off quickly enough within the first year or two...and found someone to DUMP on.

 

When you say ... responsibilities of TAKING on someone elses kids... what are you referring to?????

 

She's been feeding them, housing them, taking care of them, raising them.... for 4 years. I think this lady is a strong strong women...and hardly needs to dumping "responsibility" on anyone.

 

She's not touching the issue because.. its not an issue for her. She's doing it. She's living. I think you need to define.. better for yourself...

 

Define.. what the problem is.... write a list...and then go over the list to see how true those assumptions are.

 

I'm a single mom. Send me the list. And I'll tell you if you were being realisitc.

 

Again... its good that you are examining your conscience... but at some point soon. You are going to need to sit down with her. And lay the cards on the table. You are starting to create fences where may not need to be.

Be open and honest with her.... to problem solve.

 

PM me anytime if you need to chat.

[kw1202]

I have 3 kids and my boyfriend and I broke up. It has been hard because he and the kids have gotten to know each other. I still have not been able to explain to my kids that we are not together. My advice is make sure this is something that you really want, because if things don't work out we as mothers have to clean up not only the mess of ending a relationship but explaining to our kids why "he" doesn't come over anymore or why "we" are not spending time with "him".

 

Most women with kids make it a point not to introduce everyone we meet to our kids until we know or are almost positively sure the relationship will last. I just encourage you to look at this from all angles and be sure because it's easy to get into but think of everyone it will affect when you get out.

 

I hope things work out, and be honest with her if you have any doubts. She has a part in this too. just my 2 cents

[RooferGirl23]

 

Most women with kids make it a point not to introduce everyone we meet to our kids until we know or are almost positively sure the relationship will last. I just encourage you to look at this from all angles and be sure because it's easy to get into but think of everyone it will affect when you get out.

 

This is the best quote yet! follow it! My mom intoduced us to every Tom, Dick, and Harry there was, and it was hard b/c we as kids got all attached and then heartbroken.

My father on the other hand, only introduced us to one woman.. my stepmother of 13 years now.

[kw1202]

Roofergirl my mother taught me a long time ago that just because you meet someone it doesn't mean the kids need to meet them. I try at all cost to avoid introducing anyone into their lives that I don't think will be around. My last relationship before this one was 10yrs and when that ended my daughter was devasted. She asked about him all the time and it made it hard for me to deal with it. Eventually everything was ok but it took a long while. I think that's why I haven't said anything yet cause I'm not ready to deal with the kids asking me questions but eventually I have to.

 

That's why he should really discuss ALL his thoughts or fears with his girlfriend. At least then she has a say in what happens.

[dpc036]

Shadows Light

when i say the responsibilties of taking on someone elses kids. i am saying that i am going to have to contribute to the feeding, housing etc.

yes i know she has been looking after them for 4 years, she has done a great job and im certainly not saying she would be "dumping" anything on me.

but i dont think i am the type of person to not contribute in some way, if i did take on the responsibility.

 

i think the fact that the children will or even have become attached to me just adds extra pressure. i really dont want to mess them around anymore than they may already have been.

theres no "ill give it a go and see if it works" here or at least i dont think there is.

as kw1202 says

mothers have to clean up not only the mess of ending a relationship but explaining to our kids why "he" doesn't come over anymore or why "we" are not spending time with "him".

 

i have discussed this with her or at least we've tried to talk it through. but i still have concerns. she has a link to this discussion so she can read what i am saying for those times when i perhaps cant explain myself to her.

 

Hi freckilii by the way!!

[freckilii]

well i am the girl in question, just thought id say hi

[RooferGirl23]

Hi, Freckilii!!!

As you can see your guy has created quite a popular topic here! I hope that we were able to help shed some light into all of this!

You have a great guy here, i think that anyone that welcomes other children into their heart and homes is indeed a very special person b/c its not easy.

I wish you two the very best of everything!

[freckilii]

aww thanx roofergirl. i no i have a great guy, i love him to bits. i also know how hard he is finding this and im glad that every1 has been so helpful. im very biased so i cant!! ive listened to him and we've talked about it and i can see his side how scary it must be for him. im tryin to make it less scary tho!!!! im nice really!!!!

[RooferGirl23]

I can totally understand the scarry part, when my guy told me about his 4 kids i thought i was going to pass out! lol I thought i was going to be overwhelmed, out numbered and not enough love to go around. When he was getting ready to tell ME about them he said he was so scared that i would find out and leave him right away.

Since you both have been together for a while now, im sure that he pretty much knows how things are run in your home, and i bet the kids adore him, and they will take it well if you two go to the next level.

Keep us posted!

[freckilii]

ye ok we will. the girls do like him altho sometimes i feel like i have to protect him from them cos they jump all over him hehee. do your partners kids accept u now? do they ever throw the expected stuff in your face i.e your not my mum?

[RooferGirl23]

I have been in their lives for 3.5 years now. thier ages range from: 14,13,9,6, and ours: 2 & still in my tummy! (our total 6, the brady bunch!lol) so i deal with allot of ages and stages.

I have only been told "you not my mom" only one time. when it happened i gave them all a huge speech on how im not mom, and will never try to be or replace her in anyway. I am only 24, so im not even old enuf to have 3 out of the 4, so i have made deep frindships with them. I have learned my boundries (and still learing) as to what degree of parenting i can do, and how much guidence i can give.

I have also gotten the "I hate you!" from the 13 year old. (shes the only one that is the textbook "problem child") we had a huge war and then appologized. while appologizing, she was saying "oh gd allie im so sorry please dont hate me i dont hate you i love you!" over and over... and i said to her, "when you told me you HATED me, thats how i knew you truly did love me." she did not understand what i meant at the time, but we have grown much closer since that incident.

right now im dealing with everything from periods,to boys, to Kindergarten homework. I keep a daily jpunal of our happenings b/c when they are older i plan on writting abook all about this topic.

I try to get involved in thier world as much as i can. I even coached their soccer team last year.. talk about being a soccer mom!

Feel free to keep in touch with me anytime, i can type for hours right now but cant! lol

my e-mail: email removed

[Iceman26]

In response to your question, the answer would be no, I never have nor ever would date a girl with kids.

 

Good luck to you both though.

[freckilii]

good god ure brave aint ya!!! brady bunch haha. well i dont think either of my kids would do the 'i hate u thing' only to each other hehe, but i certainly dont think they'd say it to him or at least id like to think ive brought them up better. my only concern would be if im honest would be the sperm donor. at first he took it hard and caused all kinds of trouble and id hate a repeat of that. ive talked to my mum bout it and she seems to think that he wouldnt kick off again as he is settled. ideally id like him out of the picture altogether but the kids have a right to see him and they want to. well come wot may........ good luck with new baby!!! an all the others xx

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I am 23.

 

Wow. I am amazed by your maturity in handling communication, and talk things through relationship at the age of 26. To add, does not run away from responsibility and managing expectation.

 

I learn a lot from this forum. Simply by reading how people deal with their situation.

[dpc036]

i feel as though my difficulty in making this choice is messing the kids and most of all freckilii around too much.

[freckilii]

the girls dont know that your tryin to make this decision and ive told u before i will wait.