Married - how often do you have sex?

[Kristen Mcgee]

I have been married for 8 years now and my husband wants sex at least every other day or he is mad and upset. He knows that many times I am not so interested and many times I just go through the motions because I don't feel like dealing with his attitude the next day if I don't. But honestly I have no desire to have sex with him that often. Maybe once or twice a week at the most I would be interested. But the problem is the more he pushes me the more disinterested I become and angry I get. I just want to get it over with and he knows it. Sometimes he gets upset about this other times he doesn't.

I have told him that sometimes I am not interested but I don't think that actually matters to him, he tells me you know I've always been like this.

 

So now I find myself questioning my love for him. Is my love slowly disappearing for him and is that why I am not so interested in sex with him or am I bored or something else.

 

So I am wondering how long have you been married and how often do you have sex? I would like to hear from both genders, maybe it will help me figure out if I am the problem, if it has something to do with my feelings or is my husband a nympho? or is this normal and its just me.

 

I am 31 years old and he is 32.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm not married, but I think the age of both you and your husband might be another factor to consider.

[Kristen Mcgee]

Thanks, I forgot to add that. I am 31 and he is 32.

[ForAnother]

Well I don't think I have much of a word... as I am not married... and haven't dated for over a year, but that does seem... kind of obsessive... Thats pretty crazy.

 

-ForAnother

[RandomAdvisor]

Every other day doesn't seem like too much to me. You guys are still young.

[laclarita]

The main problem here seems to be that you two have to find some kind of compromise. You refuse and he insists and likely there are some pretty deep issues here the two of you have to confront, possibly extending into other aspects of your communication and conflict.

 

Have you thought about seeing a marriage counselor at all? It seems like it would be worth it.

 

I think that your concerns are totally valid and it seems that you feel disrespected by him now. So you two have to talk about this in some other kind of way than you have been.

[DN]

Do you think it possible that your constant rejection of him could also mean his love for you is also disappearing. I too think you should see a counsellor.

 

Sex is a normal human function - if you are rejecting him it may be that it is not him but you who has a problem.

[smallworld]

I think his desires are normal and so are yours, but the old adage is basically true: Men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love. The problem is that when dissatisfaction has developed to this point, it's because the "me"s have become more important than the "we." The solution is compromise and communication, but one of you has to be the bigger person and offer the olive branch first.

 

If you want an affectionate husband, become the woman of his fantasies and seduce him. If his drive is higher and he wants to increase your flagging desire in sex, he needs to do what it takes (attention, affection, romance) to help increase your desire to participate.

 

Ironically I don't see the binary setup of your intimate relations as a burden, but an opportunity. On your days "off", let that be his day to focus on meeting your emotional needs without any expectation of sexual gratification. And on his days "on", make it your business to inflame his desire by slowly building his anticipation throughout the day.

 

Before you head back into the bedroom for further negotiations, you might find the following books useful. Sometimes with a subject as touchy as sex, it's easier to hear advice given from a book than from one's own spouse. The following explain the above concepts in further detail and include a lot of fun, useful suggestions: Light Her Fire & Light His Fire by Dr. Ellen Kreidman

[lyd1]

I have been married for two years I am 33 and my husband is 38 I am the one who is more sexual and having a problem with my huby giving me what I need in the bed room. See my topic under sex and romance titled " married with out sex" I can tell you being the one who wants to have sex that if my huby wanted it every other day my life would be great! But this issue is actually making me second guess our marriage. I cant relate to your problem, but I can tell you that being rejected for sex to me feels bad. I feel like when my husband does not want to have sex with me it's because I am not all he wants in a woman. This feeling leads to other feelings that are not good. Aside from different sex drives or the question of a medical problem or drug problem under normal circumstances I feel it is true that sex habits dont change unless one of the above apply so most likely its true your huby has been this way from the get go. It would be unfair then not try and meet his needs as long as you are not doing anything that makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

I love my husband dearly but If I feel unwanted I can't help to think of me first and seek out other resolutions for my needs.

 

I get mad at him too when he is not in the mood and he too is sick of me bringing up the "sex" issue. Not sure where this will lead......

 

p.s. we have sex maybe once a month. Once or twice a week would be acceptable to me.

[Kristen Mcgee]

I guess that is what I am trying to figure out for myself. Am I feeling like this, because he just wants too much sex and after 8 years I just don't find him as interesting and could this be normal?

Is it normal that after being married for 8 years you just don't want it everyday or every other day or is it my actual feelings for him that are slowly changing. I mean I love my husband but I was never head over heels for him, he was not my first love.

 

He tells me that I should be happy he still wants me soo much and its true but I don't know why I just don't feel the same about him.

 

So I am wondering if I was totally in love with him from the beginning then I would maybe still find him desirable or even if I was head over heels after 8 years of marriage things would just be normal and I would still feel like this?