Caving in and rebuilding

[Bounder]

I havent posted here ina while, but read my other posts for background. Short version, we have been broke up for almost two months now, after being together for three years. I am 24 and working on a masters degree.

 

I caved last night. After doing so good, for a few weeks, not intiating contact, letting her contact me, I called her. There was a concert in twon, a band we used to love, and I heard them outside on my way home form a party, and thought of her. When I got home, I instinctively picked up the phone and called her, but hung up, She knew it was me and called back, She had been at the concert....I didnt know what to say after that, I said I didnt mean to call, it was just a reflex...and I asked how she was.

 

She said she was still not doing well, that lst week had been really hard. She felt that she was stuck in her life, even with all the changes happening (going back to start a new university degree, a big job interview coming up). She said she felt boring, that people she met were boring. Worried about findinga guy who challnged her like I did. said she didnt like herself as much anymore, started noticing she was tempermental, sometimes arrogant, loud and moody sometimes....and she didnt like that (neither did I sometime,s but it was part of the package I loved). I listened, and asked her questions about how she was feeling, and why, but not much more. Then she said she was jealous of me, that i seemed to be doing so many things now without her, getting opportunities, and being happy......thats whenI caved. I admitted I still have really bad moments, that i miss her, and cry, and worry I am trying new things to prove to her more than to me I can adapt to my new life. She then became the consoler, saying I had so much going for me, that she wished she could have appreciated everything I had to offer, gets angry that she couldnt and realizes more and more what she is losing....but it didnt make anything better for me.

 

 

I started to cry because at one point I was talking about how I am volunteering more, and she said she was now too (she never used too) and I told her that that was a sign that she was getting to be a bigger person, looking for meaninga nd value not just in jobs and friends, but other areas....and then i cried because I realized these were things that made me love her even more and I couldnt have her back. We talked a bit about thre break up, about how she couldnt forgive me for france (my one night mistake two years ago), and she felt that her lying to me about so much should make it easy for me to not take her back either, but I could forgive, and she wont. I cant blame her for that, but I dont know what to do with it.

 

I told her I still held onto hope for us, which was stupid I know. I didnt let her answer. I said it wasnt fair, that even though I had plenty of support, I wasnt getting the physical side that she so easily gets and she laughed and said .Yeah, I guess that true, but I wish I had the emotional connection J.....small consolation i guess.

 

I just feel like I gave away all my cards, by letting her in on what I was doing in my life, even though she said repeatedly it made her jealous to know all these things...almost like if I had found another woman....but how do I know how she feels for real?

 

I cant stand this feeling of weakness....like I gave her the support she was looking for, and then unintentionally weakened myself again...even if she didnt mean it to be that way.

 

Its strange on the one hand I see a woman coming out of this that is better than the old one, more sure of herself, but then she does crazy things like lie to me, her friends, even drugs (she tried crystal meth the other day) and I wonder about why she does those things.

 

She said she misses me too, but hasnt found herself yet and thus can never be with anyone (well, aside from the getting action once ina while apparently). I hate feeling like she has control again, just because I talked to her and listened to her fears and all. A loss of control because my problems are about her, and she cant offer the same support I can because of that. It feels not fair. I dont know what to do....

[LostInTranslation]

Bounder,

 

It's good to hear from you again.

 

As bad as you may feel, I think you are in a good position. She said she was jealous of you for doing so many things without her, getting opportunities, and most importantly, being happy. Those things make you look more attractive and desirable than someone who is sad and depressed. It looks as though you've displayed strength over the past few weeks, which is a good thing.

 

I think you would feel better if you wouldn't have cried and expressed your feelings. You had a weak moment but don't let that bring you down too much. Next time don't reveal so much. Keep her guessing and continue to show her you are doing well without her. She sees it so you have to believe it.

 

It seems that both of you are trying new things and living life without each other. That will indeed make both of you better people ... if not for each other, then for someone else.

 

I think the reason you feel weak is because nothing is going to sit well with you unless you have her back. You have the all or nothing attitude about this and so you see failure in all that you do. You must take steps in this situation. She already sees good in you so don't ruin that. Keep improving yourself because it helps you to believe in yourself, which will give you more confidence.

 

I know it hurts not to have her back, especially when you see her as this new and improved person. But without forgiveness on her part for the hurt you caused her, it will never work. Just keep doing what you have been doing and heal. It is then when you will feel you have the control back over your own life.

[Jetta]

I don't know you're story. But it sounds like you are both benefitting from this break-up. It also sounds like you both really love each other, and I don't know what your reasons for breaking up were or why you say you can't ever be together again. But if you both want to work something out in the future I don't see why you couldn't make it happen.

[smallworld]

Bounder, to tell another person how you really feel without promise of reconciliation is not weakness, it's strength. It takes more courage to be open, honest, and vulnerable than it does to pretend everything's "ok" and you don't need one other anymore.

 

Despite her assertion that she "can never be with anyone," I think what's really going on is that she's processing through all those feelings of hurt and anger (and retaliating by lying etc.) she's held back since "France." She obviously misses you and isn't coping all that well without you (drugs etc.)

 

As for control, I understand your feelings, but for a person who's been cheated on, the need for "control" isn't about emasculating you, it's about protecting herself from getting hurt again. Once her trust for you was broken, that unspoken hurt festered and ended up destroying your relationship. Ironically the one thing you felt made you look 'weak' in front of her - crying - might be the very thing she needed to see in order to feel you were truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it took to rebuild the trust and eventually the relationship.

 

If you both keep speaking from the heart, respect each other's right to express and process through the painful feelings, and can sincerely forgive each other, I think you can not only turn this relationship around, but it could actually be better and stronger than it was the first time. I wish you both well!

[C.C.]

Hi Bounder,

 

Good to hear from you again.

 

From what I read, I think that she is confused right now. I do think that you are in the good position. In fact, you are in control if you allow yourself to.

 

1) She called you right back eventhough you didn't leave any message which seems like she was lonely and wanted to hear from you.

 

2) She sees you being a happier person than she is now which means you are a attractive person.

 

3) She said to you that she misses you which means she still have some feelings for you.

 

I would not think that all of the above meant that she wanted you back, but it really sounds like that she is lonely, confused, and unhappy at this moment of her life. She might also say those things to try to find out how you are feeling and where you stand right now since you have been doing the NC for sometime and she has no way of knowing if your feelings are still the same. So, please be very careful with your own emotion. I know how hard it is to not let them know how much we still care and love them, but you also have to protect your own heart at this moment because you are the only one who can prevent it to be broken again. I have learned from my own break-up that I won't allow myself to be pushed around by what he said to me anymore.

 

you have been doing your very best to improve yourself which means you are a even better person than you already was. Stay strong!

 

C.C.

[Bounder]

Thanks everyone,

 

This community (thats truly what I believe it is, not in the cyber sense of the word, but in the emotional one, because thats what it is) has helped so much in the last month and a half. Everyone raves about SpuerDave and his advice, and while sometimes i find it overly Dr Phil like in its sophisms, it does offer some strength, and I understand and appreciate it now. I have been focusing on me, thats all I can do....I ride my boke over 100 miles a week, I am starting to make new riding buddies, went kayaking up north, just truned downa great job, have friends who love me and my personality....but still i dont have her...so there is a hole there.

 

 

I know she isnt as bad off as she says she is, and I know she will pull through without me....but its hard not to lend a sympathetic hear when she started talking to me like that.....but I still get angry when she lets me in like that only to say that we cant work right now. I made a big mistake two years ago and hooked up with a girl, told her all about it the next day, but I know it has dogged us since, and now I have my own issues of dealing with her lying and infedility that cuased her to decide she was better without me.

 

 

I know that what I did is enough to ruin it, and I cant forgive myself, two years later....every movie, book or play i see that involves it makes me cry and feel terrible all over again, for hurting her, for making us get to this point. I know I cant make it better now, but I feel like a better person, have grown in two years.....

 

I dont know what she wants. I dont feel good talking to her because I know she doesnt want me. But I feel like she may need someone in her life who knows her, to listen and help her see how great she really is....god this is hard. I told myself by september I would be in a better place, and I am not seeing it just yet