MY HUSBAND HAS NO DESIRE TO HAVE SEX

[poohiegirl33]

I don't know what else to do. My husband never seems to have any desire to have sex. We have been married for 12 years. We just moved into a new house the end of March and have had sex one time since we have been here. It makes me feel so rejected. I am always trying to get him to and he always says he's tired. He does work alot of hours and his job is very physical. I try to be understanding. But, we are only in our 30's. The thing is he loves to look at dirty magazines. I hate them. It makes me feel even more rejected that he wants to look at other women. Especially when he isn't having sex with me. And, anytime he is alone he always masterbates. I don't understand if he is too tired to have sex with me but, not too tired to masterbate. I love sex and enjoy it very much. I have told him several times that I am not happy with the way things are and he just seems to have no desire to change it. We have a really good relationship other than that. But, if I try to talk to him about it he gets really angry with me. But, I don't feel like it is good for our marriage to go so long without having sex. And, yes.......I love the closeness that comes with the sex. I feel like I am in a one sided relationship. I am the only one who shows love to the other one.

[tobigahart]

Now that's a tough one! I'm gonna have to think about this one for a bit... Firstly, not often is it the woman is the one not happy with the sex life. Well one thing is for sure, you have been together for 12 years so it won't/shouldn't be anything to do with you not being attractive in his eyes cause in my experience you tend to get past the looks of your partner after a while. As for what to do, you really only can talk about it... either together or with a counselor. Its such a shame that this has happened to you, especially considering the fact he is masturbating and reading porno's. A mutual sexual satisfaction is a VITAL part of a relationship and he needs to know how it is affecting the relationship overall. It will get worse and you will become more unhappy. If he notices you are unhappy alot of the time and that something is bothering you, if he cares about you in the way he should, he will inquire and will eventually have to resolve this problem you both have. I think the best thing you can do now is not try to cover up your unhappiness but let it be known, regardless of the time of the day. He WILL pick up on it... and if he doesn't, then there's another problem.

Sorry that I can't bring good news but we're all here for support if you need us. I sincerely hope you guys can work this out and I wish you the best of luck.

[segagirl]

Of course, after a few years, our sex lives seem to fade a tad. Many times, there are of course underlying issues that couples do not talk about. Some of these may be outside stressors such as work or even admitting boredom in the bedroom. It is important that you are cuing into those and be sure to offer support if needed, we also know that masturbation can become a prob. If he is seeking solitude in sex, and denying you his love. Self-stimulation is great as long as you are not avoiding real contact.

Sounds like you have talked to him as well. I assume and hope you approach the topic in a calm, sensitive way. Pressure to perform will not really get him the mood, if you know what I mean. Real and honest communication is key, not blaming..just sharing.

In addition, if all else fails, make it impossible for him to be tired. Meaning get him in the mood first thing in the morning, being touched in all the right places is a great way to wake up!

Trying new and fun places, taking a romantic vacation and trying all the tricks of the trade I dare not day here.

And finally if you get to a place where talking, and some saucy spice dont work, then I suggest you let him know real work is needed..and maybe seek Marriage counseling.

[dfcannon]

That's tough...I'll give you a male point of view. He's married to a woman he should love and was at least once very attracted to. Unless he has asked you for something specific and you won't do it, such as lose a lot of excess weight, then it's really his problem. I'm going to guess that his stress level is affecting his desire for you (work load, the move), but that's not enough of an excuse. His pornography has to stop, and stop now. It's very destructive to your relationship, especially because it has replaced your intimate life with him. These models he lusts for are put into ideal lighting and clothes, etc., and now he has become almost INCAPABLE of having sex with a real woman. It's a problem and I think he may need therapy. Good luck! I think there's hope, if he'll get help.

[Katelyn55655]

You've received several replies now so here's a couple of new twists:

 

1. The root of the problem probably isn't about sex; or,

 

2. Could he be having an affair?

 

Looks like he's using masturbation and porn to avoid you. Fatigue is just an excuse. Nothing is wrong with fatigue, masturbation, or porn when a couple also has a good sex life going. In your case this is how he is choosing to be sexual so what you need to find out is why he cut of sexual intimacy. If you're sure he isn't screwing around, maybe it's about control and having the upper hand. Maybe it's about a fear of or a lack of emotional intimacy. Maybe he's done something he's ashamed of or afraid to tell. Maybe he's an emotional abuser. Maybe he has fallen out of love with you. Maybe he thinks you have fallen out of love with him, are too much of a nag, etc.

 

When you two communicate, is the communication honest? Do you both feel safe enough to tell the truth, express your fears, etc?

 

Something is wrong and unless as a couple you can find a way to open up, I think you'll need to get professional help to get to the root of the problem.

[poohiegirl33]

Thank you all for the great advice. I don't really think he is having an affair. But, I do think he has lust in his heart. He is a wonderful family man. Great father. And, I do think he feels guilty that he is having these lustful thoughts. But, still doesn't know how to get rid of them. And, looking at nude women isn't helping any. I think that I am an attractive woman. Although I have gained 25 lbs I am by no means huge. And, still have men flirt with me. So, I don't think I am to the point where he shouldn't want to have sex with me. But, I am currently on a diet. He says thats not why he has no desire though. He just keeps saying he's just tired all of the time. But, from what I have known about men........they are never that tired. At least not ALL the time. The funny thing is.....it doesn't seem to bother him at all that we don't have sex but every month or so. To me though....it just doesn't seem right. I want the affection......that goes with it. He never goes a day without saying he loves me. But, sometimes I am afraid that is just a habit that we have always done. I feel like if you love someone then you want to show them. He tells me that its all I think about. And, yes.....it is........when you only get it maybe once in two months. And, even then you only get it if you start it. I have done so many things to try to maybe put him in the mood. Even when I act like I won't take no for an answer..........he still says NO. I am very calm with him about this. I am not a loud nagging person. I just don't feel like this is normal. Do any of you think its normal?

[dfcannon]

No, this lack of interest is not normal behavior for a guy, or a woman for that matter. Gaining 25 pounds may be an issue, though. While some men might not care, perhaps your husband does and does not want to hurt your feelings by admitting it. Rather than guess, I think it's reasonable to go to a gym and get a personal trainer to help you get your physique back...through a combination of exercise and healthy diet. Not a crash diet. Then buy some provocative clothes to wear for him. If that whole regime doesn't work (and I strongly suspect it will), then he must get into therapy. But I don't think you've done enough yet.

[love_junkie]

It sounds to me like your husband is growing increasingly addicted to pornography. He expresses no interest in you not because you are not attractive or whatever else, but because all the pressure of love-making and intimacy are out of the way and he doesn't have that hanging over his head with his magazines. Unfortunately, reading such magazines will have an effect on the intimacy of your marriage. Find some way to help him out of this. You're not alone, several women I know (gorgeous women) have had the same problem. Men are just odd. I think perhaps the intimacy may be scaring him, along with pressure to perform. This is so much easier. I suggest you pray about it, and find some way to deal with it--did you know the Bible actually mentions that husbands and wives shouldn't deny each other sex, because their bodies belong to one another? This is to prevent infidelity, etc. Pray for him, be understanding and try to get him to give up those filthy, degrading magazines that put all of us women back at ground zero! We've worked to hard!

[poohiegirl33]

I know it sounds like I am pressuring him because I am talking to all of you in detail so that you will understand how I am feeling and what is going on. But, its not just the sex. I just want to be noticed. Just to have some attention. I don't know about other women....but, I need to feel loved and need to feel needed. I am not getting that here. And, I just feel so hopeless. He is a wonderful loving father though. And, he has really never been a overly loving person. But, it just seems to be getting worse the longer we are married. I have prayed about it. I was brought up in church and understand the Bible. So, I do know that it says that in the Bible. But, like I said........its not just the sex. I just want to feel like my husband loves me. Like I am not the only one in this relationship. I have never been unfaithful. But, I can honestly see why someone would be unfaithful when they don't feel loved. I would love to just be held and told that I am loved and appreciated for what I do. I guess alot of married women go through this. And, men don't always show their feelings. But, once in a while would be nice.

[Ash]

Well, I'm going to deviate a little from some of the other advice you might have seen. I found that as my wife put on weight, I was very reluctant to talk about it, but it did make a difference to me. She simply did not seem to be the same person I married somehow. So, I would think personally, even the fact he knows you are attempting to lose weight should help.

 

Maybe he's looking for a bit of a change in the bedroom department. I know there were many things I wanted to try with my wife but was petrified to discuss them with her. In fact, I was always shy about her seeing me unclothed. I had a lot of difficulties, and it sometimes translated into boring sex, which resulted in me not being interested all the time.

 

Do you remember any times in the past what things might have turned him on? For example, with my wife, one of the things she didn't realize was that on weekends when she came downstairs with only her nightshirt (and nothing on underneath) I found that stimulating. Maybe think of something like that, something he used to like, and do it a few times. Don't flaunt it, act like you have no idea of the possible effects and see if anything comes of it. Try something like that in the morning on a weekend, when he's just up, even if there are kids around (I don't mean prance around in the buff of course, but they won't pick up the cues like he might). You don't have to jump into bed with him right away, but something you do in the morning might linger with him all day.

 

The romantic get aways might be a good idea, but there's pressure associated with them.

 

Talk to him about sex, but don't make it seem like you're talking him into bed. Obvisouly he's interested in it in some fashion because of the magazines. Maybe he's ashamed of them, ashamed of masturbating and doesn't know what to say about it. Take a chance one day, and ask if he would let you watch him masturbate. Perhaps offer to do the same for him. Ask him if he has a fantasy. Maybe break the ice by telling him one of yours. You never know, it may be something he wants to do as well.

 

Being together for that long, things do tend to get a bit stale. I hope you can 'warm him up' before something really awful happens to the two of you (like it did me and my wife). Being open about personal feelings, and trying to understand the other is important. I would think that suggesting he needs therapy might push him away a bit more. Men don't like to think they can't handle their feelings on their own.

 

If you do go to bed with him, talk to him. Tell him you like his body, specifically talk about how the 'male' bits are. Even if you think it's not true, tell him you like it when it's (embarrasing parts here) hard, and that it's nice and big etc. Men have huge egos, and even though they know they aren't always what they want to be, they still like to hear that they're the best in your books.

 

I know that you say it's not about the sex, that you just want to be noticed. But I've learned it's all tied in together. It's obviously distressing to you that he's not sleeping with you.

 

Do you sleep in the same bed? If so, has he shifted his bedtime so he doesn't go to bed at the same time you do? That's what happened with my wife and I many years ago. Eventually I started to sleep in a different bed. If you are in the same bed, try in the morning instead of at night. If he's in a different bed, perhaps think about slipping in beside him early on a day he's not working, and just tell him you want to hold him for a few minutes. Do that and then get up after 10 minutes, see what happens. I'm not saying to tease exactly.

 

I hope I haven't offended you in any way.