what is my boyfriend's deal

[bugaloo]

hi, i'm a new poster here and i would really appreciate some thoughtful insight

 

my boyfriend and i have been going out for 3 years. i work out of state for most of the summer and we attend school a couple of hours away from each other. our time together is short but sweet. he's recently suggested that we take a breakfrom each other as he has "wild oats to sow" and feels a physical lonliness when i'm not around. he also says he still loves me and would like to marry me when our lives are sorted out a bit more.

 

i'm very confused. if he loves me why does he want to see other people? i'm worried he's just breaking up with me without breaking up with me. maybe he really does just feel like we should be able to have some fun while we're apart but i'm not sure i like the idea of him fooling around with other girls. any thoughts?

[annie24]

Hi and welcome to eNotalone.

 

Oh blah. This sounds sketchy to me. So, are you planning also on seeing other guys during this time? Are you ok with him fooling around with other girls. Really ok with it? Because if the answer is yes to both, and you're ok with having an open relationship, then.... sure, go ahead.

 

But, if this bothers you (and I'm guessing it does because you posted on here), I would tell him that you insist on fidelity, or there's not going to be a relationship.

 

Personally, I think that's selfish of him. Telling you that he wants to marry you, "later on, when things are straightened out" but now, he wants to have his fun. It's not the way that you're supposed to treat the love of your life. I think along with committment comes sacrifice, and if he wants to fool around with other girls, he should do so, but when he is TOTALLY single. I don't like that he's expecting you to be waiting for him to finish sowing his wild oats, while you sit around and wait. That's just disrespectful.

[t-rav]

annie very wise...........(awe stricken).............wow. i've never heard anything so blatant, and yet meaningful in my whole life. i suppose theres little advice to give after what she just said...........

[annie24]

thanks

[Caldus]

If you want the relationship to ever get anywhere, then the 'sowing oats' deal isn't going to help very much with the relationship you two have been in and worked on for so long. Before you know it, he could end up with a new girl nearby him so that he can 'sow his oats' and have something more with. I say it's either a relationship or no relationship at all. I personally don't get why people could do 'open relationships'. Huge logical fallacy here. "I love you ... oh um, can I go 'see' other people?" "Sure." Sounds kind of messed up don't you think?

[DragonGirl724]

welcome to eNot.

 

i had an ex say THE EXACT SAME THINGS TO ME in the past.

 

...and it was all a huge lie. but he is a major creep (more ways than one) & i highly doubt your BF is as big of a deceitful a****** as he is so i will not give you a biased opinion here. im giving your BF the benefit of the doubt that he is a somewhat genuine person. and on that note here is what i think...

 

i can understand him feeling lonely, and unsatisfied w/ a long distance relationship (LDR). i would feel the exact same way & i wouldnt be able to handle a LDR, just based on the kind of person i am & what i look for in a relationship. and if he feels his need to 'sow his wild whatever' is more important to him now than being with you, then he needs to let you go, and not give you the 'i still want to marry you line'. b/c thats BS! because if his main objective is to see whats out there & experience life, then he may realize youre not what he wants at all (as same goes for you). so he is leaving you with empty promises, (whether he realizes it or not). so next time he brings it up; shoot the line down! tell him to not make promises he can not keep. the future for the 2 of you (either single or not) is so undetermined that any 'set idea of what's to come' is just an uneducated concept completely out of left field.

 

it is possible he is stringing you along as his backup plan as he has his 'playtime', but you know him better than we do, and he knows him better than YOU do. so tell him to be completely honest with you! and if i were you, i wouldnt stick around waiting for something that MIGHT happen....

 

and dont tolerate him 'messing around' with other chicks while you're still 'together'...screw that! that kind of behavior is dangerous & flat out WRONG!

 

take a minute right now & breath. listen to both your heart AND your head...what are they REALLY telling you....?

 

-DG724

[bugaloo]

hey thanks for all the tips.. i talked about it with him a bit and realize that he only wants to be able to hang out with other people.. no funny stuff.. just friendly relationships with girls or otherwise... although all along i figured we had an understanding that that was okay (and thereby would sometimes spend time with guys from school and work.. you know, platonic/no strings attached time).

 

he told me he felt jealous, which made me feel bad since i had no idea. but he wants to work on that by meeting new people and knowing that i do the same. and we'll keep each other up to date about things. and basically continue the same way we were going except he can meet new people without feeling guilty.

 

i'm his first and only love, he says. and i guess his skewed perception of what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship is a reflection of that..

[annie24]

whew! Ok. that's better.

 

There's nothing wrong with friends of the opposite sex. I think it's healthy. As long as he keeps his hands off, no problems!

[annie24]

he's recently suggested that we take a breakfrom each other as he has "wild oats to sow" and feels a physical lonliness when i'm not around.

 

 

wait.... hold on... but you said this in your first post. So, did he say he wanted to "sow his wild oats" or not?!?! Because that isn't what I call getting a cup of coffee with a platnonic friend of the opposite sex....

[DragonGirl724]

yea annie's right...whats up with THAT!?

 

-DG724

[Caldus]

Uh oh, looks someone needs to go through some polygraph tests.

[Iceman26]

Translation: He wants to nail other women and then when he is sick of nailing other women, he may or may not come back to you.

[Caldus]

Translation: He wants to nail other women and then when he is sick of nailing other women, he may or may not come back to you.

 

Bingo.

 

Now let's prove this with the polygraph test.

[LoveLife8888]

I would not like this if I were you.

 

If I were you I would start dating right away, and thank goodness for internet dating. You don't have to wait long before meeting others which gives you more power.

 

Sounds like you and him are probably younger than 30. He could come back to you and marry you, BUT I would be careful when it came to sex. You don't want anything from him.

 

Sorry to hear. No fun for you I am sure, but at least he does this now and NOT after getting married (to you hopefully if that's what you want.

 

8)