does being honest push them away??

[hoppy27]

im trying to make sense of what happened in my situation.

a woman entered my life out of the blue. it started with her approching me one night.........things lead to things. after she tells me she has a boyfriend(6years). she leaves him acouple days later. from the start i was open and honest with her. she assured me she wasnt "that type of girl". i believed her.

 

i was open about not wanting to get hurt by this situation. we had talks af taking it slow.......but she seemed to want things alittle fast. i told her about my feelings of honesty and respecting anothers feelings. through converstaions we talked alittle bit about my past relationship. it ended with me left in a world of hurt. i was open and honest about what she did, and how it made me feel. was that a very bad move?? did i just make myself look like a "weak" man???

ive always felt that honesty is the best policy no matter how bad the news.

so i i was honest with her...........i told her i simple didnt want to get "hurt" like that again. the ex was dishonest and it hurt me what can i say. i have feelings. im every bit a man and wont be walked over.......but i see these feelings as something totally differant and exceptable.

 

to make a long story short..................this woman just flaked on me. she was all about me for about a month. everything seemed perfect. and then poof she was gone.

 

did i scare her away??? did i f up by being honest and open?? we seemed to have a good "open" conversation about what our game plan was.

did i set myself up??

[TiredMan]

No because if you weren't honest, it wouldn't have been right anyway. I'm not about playing games and holding things back. Show who you are. If someone doesn't accept you for who you are, then F them. Might leave you in bad situations like I am, but at least I don't feel like I'm living any sort of lie, which is a horrible feeling too.

[shorty20]

i agree... you did nothing wrong at all... without honesty in a relationship, you have nothing... at least thats what I believe... some women just get cold feet sometimes... especially after a long relationship like you said... I can't really tell if you want her back or if you're just hurt by what she did...

[obscuresin]

I personally think honesty is the root of all relationships. But I've learned a little something from my past relationships. You have to be vicious in the beginning. Show the side of your personality that you only want to show. Being mysterious keeps them wandering and interested. It's vicious, but it works.

 

I know that it's very well easier said than done. Simply because I've known that for a little while, and was completely unable to do it in my most recent relationship.

 

I was WAY too open, and told her EVERYTHING I felt (or almost), and it scared the crap out of her. (Currently still friends, trying to work it out on my side)

[shorty20]

again, I agree with the last poster as well.... maybe that is my problem that in most of my recent relationships the guys have been TOO honest. I'm all about being open and honest...about their past or stuff like that, but when it comes to how they feel about me, I get scared sometimes... sometimes I feel like they like me more than I like them, and that it wouldn't be fair to keep it going like that if I can't give them the same love/feeling in return.... I don't know if that makes sense, but I totally agree with the last poster.... honesty is a very good, very necessary thing in a relationship, but in the beginning, you need to stay mysterious in a way... keep her guessing and keep her interested.... I hope you are having a better week hun... PM me anytime.

[Minty80]

I'm wondering how you presented it. If a guy was talking to me about how much his ex hurt him I'd wonder if he was really over her and actually ready to move on to another relationship.

 

It's not so much that honesty is bad, it's about laying out all of your baggage at the beginning of a relationship, especially baggage that concerns an old girlfriend.

[obscuresin]

Shorty, I know EXACTLY what you mean. One of my relationships, she was way too open with me, and I didn't like her as much as she was telling she LOVED me. Scared me. I felt trapped. Like I needed to commit to her and the relationship.

 

I realized I did the same with my most recent ex. And I didn't notice it because it felt right. And it is, but not as fast as two months.

[obscuresin]

Talking about an ex girlfriend in the beginning of a relationship is a big no-no to me. Makes her think you are comparing her to your ex girlfriends. The only way I would talk about that is if asked. And I would most likely say the least I can.

 

Saying your heart got broken is pretty much ok in a sense. That's if it was a while back. If it's recent, definitly agree with minty.

[hoppy27]

it was just a conversation we had............maybe i said to much.

 

in any rate i dont regret being "me". i know what i want and she obviously didnt...........or was tricking herslef into thinking she did.

i had to make my own closure which is a hard thing to do. this relationship started with her cheating on her boyfriend. i wass blinded and thought she was a differant person the she actually is.

 

its not that i want her back...........its just not knowing what really happened and then never getting to say anyhting that is driving me nuts.

i wish she would just call and lay all the cards out. all i really want is an explanation...........maybe she feels she doesnt owe me one. but damn why lead somone on for a month. why go as far as to introduce them to mom and dad?? she just disapeared............although she may think in her head that she "told" me she didnt want to be with me. she never really said anything.

it was like "oopps i didnt mean anything ive said or done for the last month.....sorry".

i dont understand how people can be so selfish.

[TiredMan]

Yeah that is something I have learned. That there are so many selfish people in the world. It makes me so mad because I'm so not selfish and when these people act that way towards me, I get so spiteful.

[shorty20]

well for me, sometimes I'm get caught up in the moment... if someone I'm seeing says something to me, I can't speak up right then and there, and breka their heart. Like, with one of my ex's .... we'd been together for about a year and I was having second thoughts, and then out of the blue he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and all this other stuff.... he wasn't a very honest person about his feelings... had a hard time talking about stuff like that... so I didn't want him to know that was the reason I was breaking up with him... otherwise if and when he finds another girl he can get that close to, he would be to scared to share how he was feeling with her... I don't know if that makes sense at all, but I just thougth I'd throw it out there

[funnyCAgirl]

This girl is probably going through a lot and her feelings for you may really be mixed up in all the change she has going in her life. Just because she bailed on you may not be because you were honest it may be lots of other things relating to her ex. I think being honest after the right amount of time is the best thing when the other person feels the same. Sometimes you just dont know.

[Miss M]

Besides what the others have written, it could also be that while you were being honest, she wasn't. You didn't do anything wrong, except maybe you got mixed up with a girl who is very different from you. I'm also still trying to sort out who's honest and who's not. But it sure ain't easy to figure it out though.

[Rainz]

From what you have decsribed, you've not done anything wrong...you were honest with her which I think is a good trait.

If more people were honest about where they're at and what's going on with them at the outset of dating/relationships it could and would save many people time, effort and heartache.

Be yourself, and be true to who you are and what you believe in.

[patience]

You took a risk, and you were honest. The right woman for you will appreciate that you don't play head games.

 

Sometimes people say 'too much', it happens, but you were real.

 

What did YOU learn from this experience that can benefit you the next time around?