To contact ... or not to contact?

[Jaela]

Hey guys,

 

My new guy Mike is once again very confusing. I've known him about two months now, and we've been seeing each other for a few weeks. He is very sweet and charming when we are together, and I enjoy spending time with him. This Thursday and Friday he went camping for some concerts at a local venue and invited me along. I accepted but it turns out his roommate was in charge of arrangements and screwed things up. Basically they were going to try to squish like 12 people into three tent spots. Then there was an additional charge if I wanted to camp with them after the concert. Basically the whole thing turned into kind of a pain, so I said he should go and have fun and perhaps I would see him Friday and try to camp out.

 

Wednesday evening he took me out for some ice cream. Then I went back to his place to help him pack, and he asked me to spend the night because I was very tired. We cuddled a little bit, but he made no move to kiss me. In the morning, he walked me out to my car and gave me a soft kiss goodbye. Then he said he would call me on Friday evening to let me know what the situation was for the concert/camping.

 

Friday I do not hear from him. Saturday I do not hear from him. It is now Sunday and I have not heard from him. I have no idea if I should call, or wait and see if he contacts me. Part of me wants to send him a text just to wish him a happy labor day.. I really don't know what I should do. The other part of me is really curious why he didn't call when he said he would, and makes me wonder how long it will be before he contacts me again on his own...

 

He is once again sending me severely mixed signals Should I back off for now?

[annie24]

Well, it's still early on in your relationship, and well... you've basically described how all my relationships are in the beginning, so I feel your pain!!! Unfortunately, these cat and mouse games drive us insane!

 

I don't see anything wrong with a quick text to ask how the concert was. (because it's not technically labor day today )

 

Good luck!

[Jaela]

Hi Annie, well I sent him a text asking him how the concerts were and wished him a happy early labor day. How long should I expect these cat and mouse games for, roughly?

 

I want to get to the good stuff, all ready!

[annie24]

Oh gosh.... .... I don't know.... I tend to get stuck in the cat and mouse games for a while.

 

My best friend doesn't. Most guys turn very obsessive over her, very quickly.

 

It's strange.... I think our subconsicous attracts certain types of people. In fact, just yesterday, she was asking me how to get the types of guys I attract. I'd like some of hers. I think we decided we'd switch dating strategies for a while

 

Well, I would say, if you're not happy with the situation, don't deal with it! Forget him! I guess it depends on how long you want to deal. You're ok with it now, but 3 more months? You'd tear your hair out. I guess you have to decide if things feel right and if you're happy. Because, if you're spending most of your time analyzing things, instead of enjoying the relationship, that's a sign that you two probably aren't right for one another. We get relationships so we can feel better, not worse, right?

[Jaela]

Annie, it sounds like you and I have the same best friend! My best friend is drop dead gorgeous. I've seen her break so many hearts because she is as beautiful on the inside as on the outside - and she is also as tough as nails. She knows how to give guys a run for their money

 

Thanks so much for your words on having an uplifting relationship. I really like Mike a lot, but I think I need to salvage my emotions a little and put some distance between us. He seems confused on what he wants and is (unpurposely) stringing me along in the process. I will give him a week or two to come around, then I will have to let this go. Guessing games are never fun - there is only so much cat and mouse this girl can take! It's been two months now, surely he has some idea of what direction he expects to take things in by now?

[TheRock]

Jaela,

I think you should definitely wait for him to call. He said he would call you and arrange the plans, so let him take the initiative do do what he said he would do. And it sounded as if you handled the situation about the camping a in good manner, so there is no need to worry over it. I think his true interest will come out if you wait. If there is no call, that gives you a clue too. Good luck!

Also, on the topic of your respective friends. To be master of the obvious, it does seem being extremely physically attractive makes things much easier all around for both sexes. It is just one of those things. Good looking guys tend to have a disproportionately easier time meeting women than average looking men as well.

[Msnak]

Jaela:

 

Send the text message but do nothing more. That message just says you're thinking about him.

 

I think you're in the early stages where you're both wondering about things, and it's so easy to get bogged down & busy, that he probably meant no harm by not calling. It's such a guy thing, rude, no excuse really, but it's worth forgiving if he does get in touch again in a reasonable amount of time.

[Jaela]

Hey guys, thanks a bunch for the replies. I'll sit tight and not contact him again. The thing that bothers me the most is that he's leaving for Shanghai this week, meaning he'll be in China for business and I won't see him until he gets back. I have to admit I'm a bit hurt he didn't even have the courtesy to call to say hello this weekend, knowing that he won't see me again for at least another week. I will be incredibly hurt if he doesn't call to say goodbye. I dunno ... this guy is so hot and cold. If he sees me out, he will literally hang on me every moment and beg me not to leave if I try. Then I won't hear from him for days and suddenly he'll leave a sweet message on my voice mail asking to see me again, or wishing me sweet dreams. If I don't respond immediately, he'll leave a message like, "Hey stranger, I'm beginning to think you don't like me anymore. Call me when you get time, I really look forward to hearing from you." He comes accross as so sincere and sometimes quite shy in person. But I feel I've put myself out there as much as I can, and now my emotions are beginning to get involved.

 

I may just need to forget about him. Sigh. I really liked this one too, but it's honestly feeling as if he's just messing with my head now.

[patience]

Maybe he doesn't want to appear desperate by calling too often.

All sorts of things go through people's minds when it comes to phone calls.

If you want to talk with him, call him.

[TheRock]

Hey,

In reading your posts over again, it seems like you have a good sense of what is going on in this situation. My sense is that his interest is not that great, unfortunately. Now, it would be prudent to trust your instincts.

[obscuresin]

Is he Okay? Did something happen at the concert?

 

I personally would've called with a different phone number (one he doesn't have) just to see if his phone is working. (just one ring). And then, just wait. Nothing more.

 

If he takes too long, don't pick up when he calls you. Wait at least 8 hours before you call him back saying you're sorry you missed his call, but you were a bit busy.

 

My 2 cents...

[funnyCAgirl]

Unfortunately, I dont think he is that interested or he is interested and doesnt want to get in a relationship - either way I dont think you should not wait for him. I would hate to see you wasting time on a guy who is not thinking the same things you are. He sounds like a decent guy so his not calling is a bad sign.

[annie24]

Also, on the topic of your respective friends. To be master of the obvious, it does seem being extremely physically attractive makes things much easier all around for both sexes. It is just one of those things. Good looking guys tend to have a disproportionately easier time meeting women than average looking men as well.

 

It's not really just a matter of looks. My friend and I are equal in that department, but we look different.

[annie24]

Oh yeah, and don't stress. If he calls he calls, and if he doesn't, NEXT! If he's the kind of guy who'll take of for China without saying bye or whatever, then you don't really want to be in a relationship with him, do you?

 

No worries. Good luck!

[Jaela]

Oh my gooses, I'm so confused! All right, Mike called me this afternoon about 3ish. I missed the call, but he did leave a voicemail. He first teased me on my new voicemail message (hehe) and basically said (in his sweet, adorable voice), "Hey, just wanted to call to see what you were up to, and to say hello. I'm on my way to a family event but I wanted to see what you were doing this week, hopefully you're free this week sometime so we can do something. Give me a call back. I hope to hear from you soon."

 

I think this is a good sign? I dunno what to do? I mean, this guy keeps asking me out. I like him. I love spending time with him. Looks like we'll be playing cat and mouse for a few more weeks?

 

I probably won't call him back until later tonight, or tomorrow after work. My schedule is crazy this week but I'm sure we'll touch base this weekend, after he returns from Shanghai. Sigh ... it makes it hard to forget about him when he calls me every week to ask me out.

 

Well, for now, I'm so happy he called. \

 

Should I give this a few more weeks before having a more serious talk with him about where we stand?

[annie24]

arg. no serious talks yet.

 

Just be cool, call him and see when he wants to hang out. But, don't bend your schedule backwards just so you can see him. You can say, "my schedule is crazy, but thursday night, or friday afternoon work for me." (or whatever, just don't change your plans).

 

I think that time will tell.

 

Are you seeing other guys? Keep your prospects open....

[Jaela]

Hi Annie ... I've been asked out recently by other guys, but they didn't interest me. Three different guys approached me last week but there just wasn't any type of chemistry whatsoever. However, there is a very cute guy in my new acting class that I'm feeling some vibes from. I'm recently out of a long term relationship so a bit confused about the whole dating thing - would it be wrong to go out with other guys and not mention it to Mike? I mean, we've never had any kind of exclusive talk. I know I have no obligation towards him. I just don't know if it should be mentioned or not.

 

all right, I'll stay away from any serious talks for now since everything is still so new. I just really need to make sure at some point he isn't only seeing this as some friend with benefits type of thing, because that is most def not what I'm looking for.

[annie24]

I just sent you a PM.

 

In the case where sex is already involved, I think that it's important to have everything up front and in the open. You don't want to be contracting any diseases, after all.....

[TheRock]

Hmm. Well it is very clear that you like him a lot, and I think he is interested, but not overly committed. Maybe you should step back and let him keep making the moves, and then you respond. It might highten his interest. I have a question. How often do you guys talk on average? Once or twice a week? or is it more.

I must admit though that I would probably be confused if I were in your shoes too. Annie seems to have a good grasp on the situation though and her advice sounds on the money. Good luck!

[Jaela]

Hi guys, thanks a lot for following this thread and offering your insight. I am most definitely confused. I havent called him back yet, but I will probably contact him at some point tomorrow.

 

Annie, thanks a bunch for your pm. It gives me some things to think about. Mike and I have not had sex, although things got a bit hot and heavy one night and his hand went exploring below the waist. I think he sensed I wasn't entirely comfortable with the situation, so he backed off. (Good boy!)

 

That is why I am feeling so confused. Even though he kept 'wanting to see me', it took forever for this guy to kiss me. On one hand, he comes off as incredibly shy. On the other hand, by our second kiss he was all ready exploring in that fashion. We are definitely more than friends. He asks me out, we go on dates together, cuddle and kiss etc. But at the same time I don't think I desire sex with someone outside the perimeters of a secure relationship. I need a deep emotional connection to share that with someone.

 

TheRock, we talk on the phone every two - three days. I never initiate contact, I usually wait for him to call. We go on dates maybe once or twice a week. He is incredibly busy with work. He's the Korean representative of his company, so he's sent out of town to Asia every 5 or 6 weeks, usually to South Korea. His company sends him out of town usually every 2 weeks as well, to another city for a few days. I'm a full time student working part time, so we squeeze in time together where we can.

 

I do really, really like him. He is the first man I've met that has goals, ambition, is sweet, has great humour, seems sincere and his life seems to be going forward in a positive direction. It's just .. him and I are sitting in such a weird hazy gray area right now, one that I'm not quite used to.

 

All right, sorry for all the babble! I'll try to keep things lighthearted between us, but I do feel we need to talk about things if they continue to become more sexual. I just don't want to scare him off ... yet at the same time, isn't he kind of bringing it on himself by making some of the moves he's done?

[TheRock]

Hey,

That puts things in perspective a little better. Considering that the two of you speak regularly and go out regularly, I think he is clearly interested. But you guys are still in the getting to know each other phase, so he still might be a little uncertain about the relationship as well. From a man's perspective, you are not that far along sexually so I do not think it is a good idea to have a deep conversation. You are are in control of when you want to have sex. A man wants to have sex early on, but he does not expect it right away. His exploration seems normal to me, but you might want to explain that you do not move that fast and ask him to slow down. He probably will want to test if you are ready or not whenever you are together though. I think it is up to the woman to keep things at the pace she is comfortable with.

[Scout]

I applaud you for firmly realizing you want to be absolutely assured of emotional security with someone before you are sexually intimate with him. I can also imagine that his "exploring" you in the manner he did during your second kiss was very jarring to you, considering how you feel about sexual intimacy (a healthy viewpoint, in my opinion).

 

Listen, I know this is going to be really hard to do, but at the end of the day, you never want to compromise your values for someone. The next time he does something like that, clearly let him know you're not cool with it and why. I can promise you that if he dumps you for that, he would have dumped you shortly after having sex if you allowed it, because it's the chase he's after. I can also promise you that if he comes back - he respects your strong moral stature.

 

Either way, it's a win-win situation and you find out his true intentions.

[Jaela]

Thank you for your kind words, Scout. Sometimes I feel like an alien being for my views, but its def true that no one is worth compromising myself for.

 

I am sure his true intentions will shine through eventually. I won't allow myself to feel pressured into anything I'm not comfortable with. TheRock, thanks for the guy perspective! Hopefully he truly is still interested ... guess only time will tell.

* crosses fingers * [-o

[annie24]

hey! You sound like a really smart, principled woman. He should be crossing his fingers, hoping he gets you!

 

I just don't want to scare him off ... yet at the same time, isn't he kind of bringing it on himself by making some of the moves he's done?

 

Well... I think he's just trying to see if he can get "lucky." I don't think he's necessarily equating that with entering a relationship (like us girls do sometimes )

 

Maybe, when the time feels right, you can say something like, "you know, I'm not a cold fish, I'm not a prude, but I just don't feel comfortable being too sexually involved unless I am exclusive with someone."

 

I've never said that to a guy before, but I think it's fair, and I think he'd understand it and wouldn't push you.

 

How would you guys feel if a girl said this to you?

[DN]

hey! You sound like a really smart, principled woman. He should be crossing his fingers, hoping he gets you!

 

I just don't want to scare him off ... yet at the same time, isn't he kind of bringing it on himself by making some of the moves he's done?

 

Well... I think he's just trying to see if he can get "lucky." I don't think he's necessarily equating that with entering a relationship (like us girls do sometimes )

 

Maybe, when the time feels right, you can say something like, "you know, I'm not a cold fish, I'm not a prude, but I just don't feel comfortable being too sexually involved unless I am exclusive with someone."

 

I've never said that to a guy before, but I think it's fair, and I think he'd understand it and wouldn't push you.

 

How would you guys feel if a girl said this to you?

 

I would have felt safe. And I would have respected her for saying it. Much better to be upfront about this sort of thing - avoids misunderstandings about whether someone is attracted or not.