Still trying to move on from my ex even 9 years later...

[Kristen Mcgee]

I don't know where to begin. I have been married for 8 years and been with my husband for 9 years. We have 1 child. When I met my husband over 9 years ago, I was on the rebound from an ex boyfriend who was soon going to be my fiance. To make a long story short, my ex and I broke up because of the distance we lived in 2 separate states, 1000 miles apart. Anyhow my ex and I broke up and when I met my now husband, I was on the rebound and now I realize I have always been on the rebound.

 

I have moved on with my life and I have a relatively happy marriage, I am not head over heels for my husband, probably never was, but I do care for him alot. (I should add that my ex and I both married that same year, he ended up marrying an old ex girlfriend) Anyhow, after 2 years of marriage and never forgetting my ex, I contacted him via email. At the time his wife was pregnant and we quickly persuade a 'online relationship', via email, IM and the phone. After a couple of months and him moving we stopped contact.

 

I moved on with my life, but never completely forgot about my ex. On occasion I even would search for him, just curiosity, but I never made contact again.

 

Well about 2 months ago, one late night, he made contact with me via email. He is now married with 3 kids and has a happy life and marriage as he has told me. Well the one email once again turned into an intense 'online relationship' that I don't think either one of us was planning we just couldn't control ourselved. (neither one of us are the cheating type) We started talking via email, IM, phone everyday, every single moment we had for several weeks, until finally he said that he just couldn't continue like this. He couldn't stop thinking about me, he couldn't function or work because of all his emotions, but he did love his wife and family and had a commitment and though we had admitted how much we cared for each other that we couldn't continue talking like this. But he still wanted to keep in touch maybe occasional "hellos" or life udpates, because he wants both of us to be happy.

 

So basically we slowly stopped talking, would email once a week and slowly less. He also told me that he never stopped thinking about me either over the last 9 years, but he did not want to see me. I on the other hand wanted to see him becasue I was hoping that in person the connection would not be there and maybe we could finally have some closure and we could just move on, but he thought that it was too risky, he thougth that our connection via phone, online was already so strong that he thougth in person it would be too hard and it would even complicate things more.

 

Anyways, the point is that he has obviously moved on, or can move on much better then me. No one knows that I am going through this, so on the surface I am going on with my life, but inside I am dieing, I feel like 9 years ago when he and I broke up. I guess I dont' understand how easily he was able to get wrapped up with me again and then turn around and just move on with his life. He even told me that he thought the fact that he thinks about me is fine but talking to me all the time is not ok. (this is weird he said he even was thinking of me just recently before we started talking when he was going to have a vasectomy) The way I look at it is neither is actually ok, but I actually don't think its fair to either of our spouses that we have this other person that is always on our mind. I have tried everything to forget him and I just can't get him out of my head. For me now so even more, after talking to him again.

 

What do you think he is thinking and how do I pick up the broken pieces and move on again? I feel like everyday my heart is breaking all over again. I know since my dear husband has not been able to get me over my ex he never can, even though I am trying to focus on my husband.

 

I am now 30 and I can't believe that this is effecting my life like this, but I just can't control it. Thanks for listening

[BellaDonna]

I think the only way you will ever heal from this is to completely END all contact with your ex.

 

That means no more occasional hellos or e-mails, or anything. Burn the bridge completely.

 

But he still wanted to keep in touch maybe occasional "hellos" or life udpates, because he wants both of us to be happy.

 

Neither of you will be happy if this continues. My best advice would be end all contact and you WILL get over him. Every time you make contact it prevents you from moving on. No Contact full force, is the only way to go.

 

BellaDonna

[Kristen Mcgee]

I know you are right about having no contact which is the way things are headed now as it was his birthday last week and I didn't contact him at all, but you have to remember we had no contact for 6 years and even though it got easier with time, he was never out of my head completely, and you are right talking to him again has refreshened every feeling once again.

I just really thought if we could see each other that what we think we feel or have is just in our heads thus we could both move on and it would be closure, but he doesn't necessarily think that. He told me as much as he would love to see me, he does not want to see me because he thinks that our connection is still there full force due to our online/phone relationship.

[kenneth05]

it's a dangerous game you are playing. focus on your husband, or soon you won't have a husband. end your fantasies of your ex and focus on your children and husband.

if you are truly unable to let this old flame go, you will lose your marriage and still not get your ex back.

move on, quickly

[BellaDonna]

I just really thought if we could see each other that what we think we feel or have is just in our heads thus we could both move on and it would be closure, but he doesn't necessarily think that.

 

I think seeing him would be dangerous and only further add to your hurt.

 

I think the best way is no contact at all.

 

I know that you know that what is going on isn't right- If not for the sake of your husband, or yourself, stop talking to him for the sake of your child (and his 3 too). Every moment you spend hurting over this man and a relationship that can never be, is time and energy taken away from your child. You will not be able to give your child 100% as a mom, if your emotions are elsewhere.

 

Try to remember what is important in real life. Chances are, you're hanging on to a fantasy. You've made this ex out to be something better than he probably is. Keep in mind he has a history of running back ot exes if his wife is a former ex herself and he married her shortly after he broke up with you. For all you know, he could have been talking with her when the 2 of you were together.

 

Your ex sounds like bad news.....he at least seems intelligent enough not to hurt your feelings further by seeing you.

 

I would run, not walk, away from this situation and try to never look back.

 

Focus on your child, your husband, and your own well-being. Right now your sense of self is too caught up in this fantasy world. Try to ground yourself in reality and give yourself a chance to heal by burning the bridge.

 

BellaDonna

[djedix]

If you run off see eachother, What would you tell your husband? would you tell him the truth, or would you lie?

 

To get over him, you just need to pack those feelings away, and put them on the shelf of your life labeled "past". everyone still has feelings about people from the past hidden down inside them.. but we accept it, and move on with life. because that's what life had instore for us.

[thegirl_00]

I can understand why you guys can't seem to get over eachother. There's always that "what if" in the back of our heads. You guys didn't end the relatoinship on bad terms so you never had the chance to find out if you guys could hit it off. However, "what if it really wasnt meant to be?". You can't take the chance and find out. Its too risky. You have to loose contact with your ex and focus on your current relationship.

[rockchick]

I have a similar issue, only this is with a friend of 20 years (we are 38 ). i am married for 10 years. he is married, too, but is going to get divorced and has two kids. we were never bf/gf but have always been attracted. a few months ago we connected (IM email etc) and suddenly discovered how attracted we are. he is willing to drop everything for me, hasten his divorce etc. i have a good marriage (no kids), but suddenly this is making me rethink everything because this guy makes me feel more alive and happy than my husband. i'm worried though that it's just all shiny and new that's making me feel that way. thoughts?

[Wimpy]

Hi

 

I read your post with interest....I've never been married so I can't comment on that aspect. I have however, 5 months ago broken up with a guy I truly loved. I am only JUST beginning to get the pieces of my life back into something resembling "normal". The circumstances of our relationship were different to you of course although it had just recently gone LDR. He broke it off and left me in a terrible state. I've had NC with him, other than a brief e-mail since the break.

 

At first I was desperate to get back with him (although I never told him that). I hoped that things would work out and that somehow he'd realise he'd made a big mistake. However, now 5 months on I realise that he was never the guy I thought he was. The guy I believed him to be would NEVER have hurt me the way he did. I now, no longer, look at him as "the one" or with any great longing to get back together. I loved him, part of me still does but my HEAD knows that I am way better off without him.

 

The point of telling you this?

 

Well it seems to me that you never gave yourself time after the split to get to the point of "I'm better off without him". You got into another relationship, possibly whilst still at the idealising your ex stage. If you've never moved on from that, then this is why you are now having all this trouble.

 

Believe me 9 years on from now I DON'T want to still be thinking of my ex - and I know I won't be. And believe me when I tell you that he was my first proper love affair (and I'm in my mid-30's) and I was deeply in love with him and ready to leave my home/family/life in the UK and go with him wherever he went (he was from another country). 9 years is a long time for you to still be "carrying a torch" for your ex. The truth is that if you're not careful, as someone else said, you're going to risk losing what you have now and that won't mean you end up living "happily ever after" with your ex. He's made his intentions clear.

 

I don't know you or your situation fully but having gone through my own private hell in the past 5 months I know that grieving and getting over what you had is very important. I'm by no means over it - I have good days and then I have bad days when I miss my ex so much but I still know in my head that I am better off without him. I have no desire to rush into another relationship. The scars from the old one are way too fresh.

 

Somehow you have to stop thinking of what "might" be or have been with the ex and focus on the "HERE AND NOW"...if you don't, you really risk losing everything.

 

Perhaps you might want to try and talk to someone (a counsellor or something) to work through the obvious unresolved issues from the ex relationship....

 

Sorry to not be able to offer much further help.

 

Hope all works out for you....

[Kristen Mcgee]

I really thank everyone for all your comments and thoughts. I think hearing your perspective is certainly helping me.

 

I know I will never completely get over him or will forget him, but I do need to focus on the here and now. I have a wonderful family and I have to continue to focus on that.

 

To be honest, I don't think I will really get over my ex, I have certainly realized that now, but I have to do what I did all those years ago, just bottle up my feelings and close the door and move on. I need to stop checking my email hoping for his emails and I need to focus on my future and realize that I will never see him and thats the way life was meant to be. My child is number one. This is all that I think and want to do, but it is hard. I have my good days and bad, but hopefully with each passing day things will get easier, I just hope it doesn't take another 9 years.

[BellaDonna]

I need to stop checking my email hoping for his emails

 

I think you should block his e-mail address, or better yet change your address completely. If you're holding onto any scrap of false hope then it's going to hurt to do this- but I think it is totally necessary.

 

Keep in mind that while love is a very strong force-the human spirit is also very resilient. While you may be hurting inside- you will get better.

 

Your heart will heal, but first you have to completely let go. If you feel there is a void in your heart from a love lost, remember your other blessings and all of the love your child and husband have for you. If you focus your energy on them, their love can help fill the void. You will feel complete again.

 

BellaDonna

[Kristen Mcgee]

To rockchick:

 

I have a couple of questions - was he in the middle of the divorce before you guys started talking again or did he start the process after?

 

I think in some sense our emotions are very similar. I have thought the same things.

Here is the way I have looked at it, as much as I would love to see my ex to see.. , I wonder to myself if the opportunity was really present would I do it..

You are right I believe after so many years of marriage things become 'routine', work, bills, etc and sometimes, that other person is exciting, new etc. brings out all these feelings in us. But then you have to wonder - is the grass greener on the other side? You may not have those exciting feelings that we once had in our early 20's but would you want to risk the easy, no complication life you currently have to feel that excitement. Here is the other question - is it only this person that you would be willing to give your husband up for or could some one else (new person) potentially cause you to have these thoughts? If your answer is yes to this then you should really think hard about your feelings towards your husband in general. Do you love him or maybe you are just bored with life right now?

 

 

With all that said - since you don't have kids, I think your situation is less complicated, at least you only have to think of your husband. In my case kids are involved but I can honestly say that if there were no kids involved then I would probably defintiely pursue to see what if with my ex.... As I have now come to realize that life is too short and you should live every moment with as much happiness as you possibley can.

[HaloDestroyer]

This is just a reflective post really...

 

I'm close to marriage at the moment... And... Well, these kind of posts make me want to rethink.

 

How much can I trust my girlfriend? Really? When there are multiple women having affairs, and meeting men who make them 'feel more alive' than their husbands?

 

People who do this.... WHY? It makes me personally so insecure, and also a little mad at the men and women who engage in adultery.

 

Sorry, just my thoughts. Carry on!!

[Kristen Mcgee]

I am sorry this post is not meant to make you feel as such really. All I can say is you have to live your life and deal with the issues as they arise. Do not let other peoples experiences stop you from living your life.

I wish I could answer your question, but I think young people make mistakes and they only come to realize it years later.

 

I knew when I started dating my now husband that even though I cared for him deeply, I was on the rebound and would have gone back to my ex in a second, but still it was easier to be with my husband then alone. I figured with time I would forget my ex and time would heel all wounds, I don't know why in my case it just never did.

 

Now its even harder because I know through the years my ex was also thinking about me. He even made the comment that "I am actively a part of his life/thoughts even before we started talking again".

 

The bottom line is when you get married, just make sure that you really have no doubts in your head and discuss this with your to be wife. If you are honest with everyone including yourself then things are more proned to work out. This is where I made the mistake, I was not honest with myself all those years ago and now I live to regret it the rest of my life. Good Luck

[rockchick]

Actually, this is why i'm so confused. I think I have a great marriage - at least I thought I did until I've had to stop communications with my "BF" since my husband found out. I have decided to go to counseling beccause what Kristen said is the main question - could anyone make me feel this way? I REALLY don't think so. I really love this guy. But there is that grass is greener idea, and I have to realize I have not been living with him for 10 years. How would it be in 10 years with him? would i feel the same as I do now? The thing is that I realize he and i have many more similarities than my husband, many more common interests. However to answer your question he is not in the process of getting a divorce - just knows he has to. which is another issue.

[djedix]

not to be crude or anything, or insult anyone here, or anything... but reading stuff like this..

 

Makes me not want to ever get married.

[Kristen Mcgee]

When you go to get married just be very honest foremost with yourself and then with your significant other. Make sure you have no doubts that is the best advice i can give anyone.

 

That is where I went wrong and honestly now looking back I realize why my parents said that I was too young to get married. I was barely 23 and I see the world so differntly now then I did back then. But still I will make my marriage work both for my child and my family.

[Kristen Mcgee]

So here it is a couple of weeks and my ex is still on my mind. We haven't actually talked or Im, just a few very casual emails, just talking about what we have been up to. I just can't completely shut him out. But either way, I can't get him out of my mind. I mean we just got back from vacation, and on vaction I thought of him less, not that I just forgot him, but really the bottom line is I just don't know how to move on. Nothing seems to be working. I am so sad inside and I am also sad for my husband that I feel like this.

I am trying to focus on my husband, but internally I just am so sad and depressed.

[BellaDonna]

just a few very casual emails, just talking about what we have been up to. I just can't completely shut him out.

 

That's where you go wrong. You need to enforce full NC.

 

I just don't know how to move on. Nothing seems to be working.

 

But you haven't tried anything DIFFERENT from before. You still continue to contact him. You will never move on if any contact (no matter how small) continues.

 

If you truly think you cannot stop contacting him, and you need contact with him to live, you may want to consider telling your husband the truth. It's not fair for you to string him along.

 

I understand that your heart aches for your ex- but you will hurt your husband far worse than you are hurting now, if you live with him under the contention of a lie. Why make the broken heart contagious? Do you wish that upon him? Let your husband go if you are unable to love him with ALL of your heart. It's the selfless, humane thing to do.

 

BellaDonna

[Kristen Mcgee]

Let your husband go if you are unable to love him with ALL of your heart. It's the selfless, humane thing to do.

 

 

I know you are right.

 

I do care alot for my husband, but I don't love him with all my heart and soul and probably never have, I guess I settled. I don't feel vibrant and alive when I am with him. We live a normal, daily, routine life.

 

My ex was my first love and forever love and I just can't stop thinking of him. But in the same I also know that I can't have my ex, so I want to make things work with my husband but I just can't seem to get my ex out of my mind. I know this is selfish, but I have to make my marriage work for my son.

 

Infact I told my ex the exact same thing: "Is it fair for our spouses that we are living like this, we are with them but we are thinking of someone else after all these years, even when we are not in contact we still think of each other?" That is why I wanted a chance to see my ex so we could figure this all out once and for all. But he does not want to see me as he thought seeing each other meant cheating. Well to me we were already cheating and really if we think of each other as much as we do it is cheating also.

 

So, I know I am being selfish, since I can't have my ex, I have to try and make things work with my husband if not for anthing else then for our son and 'family. But I just wonder how my thoughts of my ex will ever diminish, I mean after 9 years I have not forgotten him, where do I go now.... I am so lost

[Kristen Mcgee]

Let your husband go if you are unable to love him with ALL of your heart. It's the selfless, humane thing to do.

 

 

I know you are right.

 

I do care alot for my husband, but I don't love him with all my heart and soul and probably never have, I guess I settled. I don't feel vibrant and alive when I am with him. We live a normal, daily, routine life.

 

My ex was my first love and forever love and I just can't stop thinking of him. But in the same I also know that I can't have my ex, so I want to make things work with my husband but I just can't seem to get my ex out of my mind. I know this is selfish, but I have to make my marriage work for my son.

 

Infact I told my ex the exact same thing: "Is it fair for our spouses that we are living like this, we are with them but we are thinking of someone else after all these years, even when we are not in contact we still think of each other?" That is why I wanted a chance to see my ex so we could figure this all out once and for all. But he does not want to see me as he thought seeing each other meant cheating. Well to me we were already cheating and really if we think of each other as much as we do it is cheating also. The crazy response my ex had was" talking to each other on a regular basis, was wrong, but thinking of me on a regular basis he thought was ok, as they were his thoughts - does that make any sense? I mean how can he deal with that? Because I am having a really hard time"

 

So, I know I am being selfish, since I can't have my ex, I have to try and make things work with my husband if not for anthing else then for our son and 'family. But I just wonder how my thoughts of my ex will ever diminish, I mean after 9 years I have not forgotten him, where do I go now.... I am so lost