WHY DO YOU DO THAT? plz help!!

[spinster4life]

I will try to make this short and not so drawn out ...my boyfriend 4 years now looks at porn. Now its not a every day thing or anything like that just randomly i guess when he gets the feeling he looks at porn. Now what I am wanting to know is why? The first time I was upset but it was simple normal porn however the 2nd time (nine months pregnant) he was looking at forced sex and rape sites they didnt just pop up either he googled them and thats the time i can never forget and then last night I find he was looking at white girls getting screwed by black guys. Why does he do that why does he make the decision to move the mouse and click on sex? Do I not come to his mind does his daughter not come to his mind? For everyone who possiably can plz respond to this i really just need some insight on why he does this (especially the rape sites)

[Veneza127]

-Have you talked to him about it?

 

-Have you let him know how weird it feels to see him watching porn (specially the rape type one)?

 

-Since how long ago has he been doing this since you started dating?

 

-Have you noticed a change in his personality?

 

 

I really don't have any type of experience with your case but I'm asking all these questions to make it easier for others to give you some type of advise.

 

Good Luck

[spinster4life]

we have been together four years the first time was about 1 year into it the 2nd time 3 years into it and last night 4 years. His personality has changed a little bit but its mostly related to his job he works 10-11 hr days he deals w/a lot so he has been a not so pleasant person to live w/ for the past 4-5 months. I asked him why and he said he dont know he just did. didnt even really think about it

[BellaDonna]

I think the fact that he looks at porn in general is not abnormal.

 

What concerns me is:

 

forced sex and rape sites

 

That goes beyond normal visual stimulation and into a realm of sadism and violence against women (although men are sometimes shown as the victims too) . If he is getting sexually stimulated from acts of rape- that IS something to be very concerned about.

 

I think the best way to handle it is to talk to him about it. Chances are, he may have a damaged picture of sexuality in his mind which may be the result of prior sexual abuse, or desensitization.

 

BellaDonna

[Veneza127]

Try talking to him as much as you can. Do not put too much stress on him though, but try to get him to trust you in this situation. Let him know how you feel and why you think he's doing wrong. I've heard of MANY, MANY man who enjoy watching porn and I don't think it should be a problem. If he likes porn it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But rape sites is definitely a problem and if you try talking to him and the problem continues, and if his personality and sexual attitude towards you change dramatically, you should suggest to see and specialist. Maybe both of could go together as a couple.

 

Just don't put too much pressure on him cause if you do, it could make it worse. But at least make the suggestion.

 

But like I said... I have no experience in this type of situations. This is just the way I see it.

[whatfor]

im not an expert either, but i think it is not a problem. Of course i suggest just asking him.. well having a friendly talk, without accusing him.

Well im ok about porn and i can imagine how much more men like it (more testosterone). Normal porn can become boring and rape (never watched though) can be like more real, which makes it more exciting and a bigger turn on.

Maybe that is a way for him to get rid of stress he might be getting from work.

How is your sex life?

[darkblue]

The porn is perfectly normal for some men - they just have a high sex drive and can't ask for sex 24/7, they also want a visual stimulation.

 

The fact that you're pregnant too - some men think they'll harm the baby with so much sex.

 

But the Rape Sites - is something I've never come accross in posters with similar problems.

 

I can't think of anything other than it's a sort of fetish. Not a very healthy one either.

 

Are you having sex at the moment? if so, is it often?

 

I recommend talking to him and voicing your concerns caringly and carefully!

[BellaDonna]

I should mention: I think your husband is likely to react very defensively when you first bring this topic up to him.

 

If I were you I would not focus on the porn in general- I would focus specifically on the rape sites.

 

He is likely going to be very embarrassed that you found out- and then he'll likely start to try to turn it around on you saying that you spied on him, etc. If that happens, tell him that spying is not a crime but that rape is- so you're very concerned about his interest in rape.

 

You may want to even consider writing him a well thought-out letter so he can't get defensive. Then after he reads it and cools down from the embarrassment he might be better able to talk with you about this.

 

As I said earlier- it is possible that he has been abused himself before- or at the very least he is desensitized to the horrible reality of what rape truly is. Perhaps he was exposed to inappropriate sexual materials as a child-or programs where he saw violence against women glorified, so he thinks this is normal... Keep in mind rape is about anger more than sex- so there's likely a deep rooted reason why he would find these rape sites appealing.

 

You may want to bring him back to reality and try to RE-SENSITIZE him by saying what you said here and asking him how he would feel if a crime like that happened to you, his daughter, his mother, etc.

 

BellaDonna

[volution]

Any site featuring a 'real' sexual violation is illegal under most jurdistictions.

There are many porn sites out there that 'claim' to be something they are not - I believe many men get turned on by 'taboo' practices with regards to sexuality - be it incest, rape, lesbianism etc.

Many of these 'rape' sites are in fact just 'snuff' sites - ie: they are all still consensual.

 

However, that someone would deliberately search for such material could be quite disturbing.

 

You are worried about it, so you *must* tell him that you *are* worried about it. Ask him more about it. He might be a bit worried/scared about your reaction, but if he truly loves you, then he will be able to confide in you.

 

It is not uncommon for men, even married with children to look at porn.

Remember - much sex is based on fantasy - and these rape sites are fantasy sites. The vast majority of them are not real. (They would be closed down if they were).

However, even I think they are a little 'extreme', and I'm a very liberal and accepting person. Of course, I would consider real footage sites abhorrent, my sister was raped when she was younger.

 

Some men have a very potent sex drive, and have to release their energy perhaps daily or several times a day.

Porn is an outlet for this - usually it is harmless. Often, the woman in a relationship might not be 'up for it' as much as the man is.

And many men 'have' to get their energy out - some men do it via affairs, but most men do it by porn (though not many would eagerly own up to this!).

However, if he starts to prefer masturbation via porn over having sex with you - then this signals a possible problem in your relationship.