back in the Uk now...this is hard

[confusedashell]

My story is plastered around the forum but heres the update on it. I#m back in the UK now with my son and its not easy. I have called my ex a few times. I know I shouldnt have and I havent called or smsed the last three days period. But before that I called a lot. She is still really indecisive and wont commit to anything and I need somekind of commitment because all this is going to cause problems for more than just me and my son. Well she screamed at me to leave her alone and stop smothering her. Its hard to believe but in the last four weeks all i wanted her to do was sit down and talk to me and tell me what excatly is going on and what we are going to do about our son but she wont sit down and talk. If I do start to talk or ask questions she says the same thing over and over: "dont know". Then adds that I'm making her more confused by questioning her. I can't get a straight answer from her.

 

"divorce?"

"no, i dont want that..." and next time I ask "yes maybe thats best for you if we do".

 

she says one thing and the next day says something opposite. She says it would be easier for her to fall in love with me again than someone else. Then says shes not even sure if she wants to be in love with me again.

 

I dont care what she says but this WAS a rash decision from her. She told me on the phone last time that she has to get rid of the cable TV now somehow. That she only got that for me coz she knows I like movies and things. Now, when you sign up for the cable TV its for one year. She signed up for it two months ago. You do NOT throw a marriage and family away that quickly. No body has the heart for that. Now she is acting totally normal. The first weekend me and my osn were gone-shes out getting drunk with her friends. she has not called even ONCE to ask how our son is. Me and my son sent her some flowers to say we missed her and were thinking about her. Just something innocent and mostly from my son, she didnt even call to say "I got your flowers..thanks". Shes just focused on herself and her studies. Nothing else matters. How you can have a life with someone, marry someone, have a child with them and then give it all up that fast and that easily and act like it all means NOTHING to you is sick. She hasnt even spoken to her parents about it. Her brother knows pretty much nothing.

 

One second shes freaking out because I mention divorce and saying (more screaming) "ok we get a divorce and forget about us ever getting back together again!" and then the next day says "ok maybe its best to get a divorce and you move on..Im not sure I want to be married anymore". In the end I'm standing there like some dork scratching my head wondering what the hell is going on!

 

She says I'm pushing her away by trying to fix things! Sorry love, my family is falling apart and I cant stand by and do NOTHING about it. Honestly now, I#m real down. Its hard to focus on anything else. I just sit around doing nothing. Cant even talk to anyone. I feel like I want to call her (we have a lot to talk about about our son) but I'm stopping myself. she sent an sms saying shed call and I sent one back saying "no. I'll call you". I dont plan to call her until the end of this week. its like Im being lead along here. Yes i do still love her and having my family back together is a nice thought but I cant believe this is the same woman as two months ago. shes just not the same.

 

Im really sad. confused. upset. angry. sorry and just plain helpless right now. The whole situation is out fo my control. everyone I know keeps telling me just to back off of her and itll be fine that she'll come around but I'm not so sure. The thing is no one can really understand how she can act so uncaring to the whole situation. but I can see this is something more serious. It's been four weeks now since this started and she hasnt changed her mind. Shes becoming far more formal to me too in the last few days. Real formal. Its hard for me when i do call her and hear how happy and "normal" she is...I expected SOME saddness. I remember when she finished with her last bf. She cried and was upset about it..but when her family ends - nothing. the odd tear when I get angry over the way she is or when i tell her how much its hurts that she can be so sefl centered. THEN i get some responce. The only time I get ANYTHING except "I dont know" out of her is when I get angry. she doesnt seem to understand how hard this is for me to have dont knows thrown in my face everytime. But Ive had enough now. Im not calling her. Im not mentioning "us" again. She has all the papers, signed and ready. all she has to do is bring them in.

 

sorry for the rant. I just feel like hell right now

[Kristen Mcgee]

I don't know your story as I am relatively knew to this board, but is there something going on in your wifes life that you don't know about? She sounds like she is going through some type of a crisis/situation. It doesn't make sense how she could just want to throw away everything for no good reason. 'Don't know' may translate into 'I don't want to tell you' maybe. I am really sorry for all the pain you and esp your son are suffering, but I commend you on being such a wonderful father and I am sure your son will really appreciate that one day.

[confusedashell]

Thanks for the words you two!

 

Yes having complete NC is virtually impossible but saying that I havent done any contact for almost a week now. I sent her the odd sms to say our son is fine and getting on well and one email to tell her to sort out something with my bank. To be totally honest too, its hard to talk to her because she is so upbeat about everything. I dont blame her, her life is pretty much going great. We all moved to sweden for her studies - she got a nice place to live, nice furniture, a half decent part time job, now starts to go out a hell of a lot, party, study and relax at home infront of the TV. Me on the other hand have had my life totally turned upsidedown by all this. I didnt have any stable job in sweden, just here and there..the apartment we had and all the stuff we put in it is no longer mine (i dont live there anymore)...she won and I got burned everyway possible. I may have to stay in the Uk and basically start my life all over again at age 27. Thanks. All I wanted her to do was talk. Even yesterday when I sent her the mail about my bank I told her about my idea of what to do to co parent our son the best way. That I move back to sweden for the next year and we live separate and then in June she transfer her studies here. I sent an sms to her to tell her to check the mail and sort my bank stuff out. Well not only did she not even do that, she didnt even read the email. Thats how important sorting out our sonis to her.

 

A friend of mine yesterday made me think alot. He said that the whole situation is so messed up he wouldnt be surprised if she came back to me soon. (Im not so sure about that). But he asked "what would you have done if you wanted to end a 6 year relationship and four year marriage with a young child?". You know when I answered that to myself I started to see how even more messed up the situation is or maybe how messed up SHE is. If I wanted to end this I would have known by Christmas at the latest. I would NOT have acted like it was all fine. Sex would have decreased dramatically, no touchy feely love stuff very often, I would NOT have signed up for a one year Cable TV for her as a gift two months before I end it. I would not have wanted us to put anymore money into the apartment. I wouldnt have blown off my friends to spend time with her. But most importantly: I would have had some plans on what we should/could do to best co-parent our son. She did NONE of this. Acted TOTALLY normal. I am real angry and fustrated with her that she could throw all this away, not just for us, but for our son too, without so much as a fight or a passing thought. I remember recently we were talking and saying how great it was we were still together after so many hardships and after such a bad situation! How the hell do you say something like that then literally a month later blow everything up. The worst part is her total indifference to what we could do with our child. I mean SHE made this mess and shes unwilling to try and fix anything, unwilling to talk about anything but I'm the one who has to clean up the mess and sort everything out! I cannot talk to her either. If I try to she screams that I'm stressing her out, annoying her, pushing her away, wont leave her alone, trying to confuse her...so what the hell am I supossed to do? If we didnt have a child I would have walked away from her after a week of this but I cant. I want to have nothing to do with her but I have to.

 

Honestly, I think of me and past relationships and there was always a werid ending. Maybe her and me just have different ideas. I told her Iwas in the house we got and started ou life together with our son and said it was pretty werid to be in there. She just laughed and said "yup, i can guess it might have been werid". Shes got NO emotion left, no sentiment. Nothing. She honestly just doesnt care. If she does then shes not showing any of it.

 

Yeah I had thought about her going through some kind of crisis. In a lot of ways it makes some sense that that is whats happening. shes not acting herself at all. But thats no excuse. She wont let go of the fact that I wasnt very nice the last year. we had ONE bad year in our relationship. And I dont use it as an excuse but I was depressed! Clinically! I was stuck in a country, all alone, with a black future, no real oppturnity, watchin every one I know and her moving forward, seeing all other guys like me who came there with gfs or wives that eventually left them and I didnt feel good. I felt trapped and like it was all doomed. She SAYS she sees things for what they are, but if she did then we'd be fixing our relationship. Just seems like once it got hard she bailed.

[confusedashell]

well an update i guess...

 

I spoke with her today for a short while. Called so she could speak to our son and ended up talking for a few mins. It was really casual and formal at the same time. Shes certainly not having a change of heart anyway thats for sure. Shes very normal about the whole thing. I think thats what hurts the most, the fact that she can give all this up without so much as a passing thought and while I'm in so much turmoil over it, she really doesnt seem to care in the slighest. I doubt shes even given "us" a passing thought in the last week. Shes going over to stay with her friend tonight to watch a movie and eat some dinner. I was always thinking her friend was a little more than "friendly" with her but then again..I'm no expert at knowing who is and isnt homosexual.

 

After we jung up I had to call her back to say something I forgot and she was really brutal : "i'm in a rush now..have to go..we can talk tomorrow if you want..bye!". All I needed was 30 secs to say do this one thing but no. didnt even get that out of my mouth.

 

Well we are talking tomorrow or monday about what to do with our son. I dont think I can bring "us" up again but I know one thing for sure. All her BS about us getting back together later, all the BS about not wanting a divorce, all the BS about seeing us together at 30 is all gone by now. I know now she WILL want a divorce and she'll be telling me its all done for good. I bet my life on that. Its getting to the point now where I cannot have ANY type of relationship with her. I cant even stand the sight of her because she is treating me so badly and with so little respect. just like I'm some guy from the street who is trying to chat her up. Not the man she married for 6 years and had a child with.

 

Can people REALLY be so unconcerned with their marriage ending?????????

[skyjuice]

Hi confusedashell,

 

Sorry to heard about your situation.

Your concern for your son is of high priority especially when your job is not stable. You might lost custody of your son if she file a divorce.

 

She seems to avoid you on this issues. Try to cool things down first. Ask mutual friends for advice and see whether they could help you on these. If she could not listen to you, at least she could listen to others.

 

These is my 2 cents, hopes it help.