15 Days NC - AND SURVIVING!!!

[TiredMan]

Basically, I am pretty emotional. A lot of bad stuff has gone on throughout life starting from childhood with pretty verbally mean parents. Anyway, I took it for a long time. Then one day, I started getting so mad and would explode back because I feel people who say they care shouldn't be cruel to you. And when they are, I couldn't take it.

 

The thing with the ex is that sometimes she would do things (not always on purpose) that would hurt. Those same reactions would occur meaning I would either say something hurtful or say "don't talk to me" and not talk to her for a long time. I know its horrible but it was all I knew how to do from all those years. She knew exactly the stuff that had happened and said she understood. Anyway, I went through some injuries and health issues and other stuff during the relationship that really had me down. And sometimes it felt like she didn't understand. On her end, you can't tell her something negative about something she did or about her or she gets VERY defensive, which she admits later on. But at the time, she does something and I tell her it bothers me and she gets defensive and I snapped.

 

So at this point, it's where she doens't want to be hurt but the love is still there. I know I have every right to be upset if someone is hurtful but at the same time, I know my reactions were explosive. I haven't had them in months and I am in therapy to deal with it because I don't want them to happen. I have had nightmares for years because I couldn't forgive myself for ever saying or doing something that hurt her. I am not a hurtful person and would jump in front of a car any day of the week for her and she knows this. I just am easily hurt and I have reacted. There are other things like when I'm hurt, I'm not easy to talk to because I'm just in shock that I was put in that position. Or if something is on my mind about myself, and she wants to tell me about something like a trip or her day, I'm wasn't always listening. These are all things I'm working on.

 

She always acted like she understood. I know she was hurt but no mention of breaking up EVER. Not even once from her end. Then one day when she upset me and I wasn't talking to her, she had enough. And that is where we are now. I know she doesn't want us not talking at all. She sounds very scared to be hurt but at the same time, I feel like she should know it wasn't because I am mean or intend but more because of everything that she knows about. Plus, I have been working on it and am in therapy and if it was the other way around, I know I would be supporting her through her and by her side, UNLESS I saw that she didn't care enough to try to fix it. Or there was cheating. Or the love was gone. At that point, I would give up. But that is me. I just feel like she turned her back on me for being the same emotional person I was when she met me 8 years ago. It has gotten more emotional for me but it's not like I suddenly became someone else.

 

That's about the gist of it.

[temperamental_taurus]

Basically, I am pretty emotional. A lot of bad stuff has gone on throughout life starting from childhood with pretty verbally mean parents. Anyway, I took it for a long time. Then one day, I started getting so mad and would explode back because I feel people who say they care shouldn't be cruel to you. And when they are, I couldn't take it.

 

Ok, I hear ya, you had a crappy childhood - so did alot of us, what one must do with this is quit using this as an excuse for how you behave NOW. None of us are kids anymore. We are each individually responsible for how we behave.

 

The thing with the ex is that sometimes she would do things (not always on purpose) that would hurt. Those same reactions would occur meaning I would either say something hurtful or say "don't talk to me" and not talk to her for a long time. I know its horrible but it was all I knew how to do from all those years. She knew exactly the stuff that had happened and said she understood.

 

By not talking with her, you fostered within the relaionship a feeling of abandonment. Isolation. A women takes this as the ultimate rejection. It hurts deeply, destroys trust.

 

Anyway, I went through some injuries and health issues and other stuff during the relationship that really had me down. And sometimes it felt like she didn't understand. On her end, you can't tell her something negative about something she did or about her or she gets VERY defensive, which she admits later on. But at the time, she does something and I tell her it bothers me and she gets defensive and I snapped.

 

What I'm hearing here is that you said before you want her to love you unconditionally - yet I keep reading over and over from you that you don't accept HER for who SHE IS - you seem to have been very critical of her, telling her about all the things that SHE did wrong, etc...

 

So at this point, it's where she doens't want to be hurt but the love is still there. I know I have every right to be upset if someone is hurtful but at the same time, I know my reactions were explosive. I haven't had them in months and I am in therapy to deal with it because I don't want them to happen. I have had nightmares for years because I couldn't forgive myself for ever saying or doing something that hurt her. I am not a hurtful person and would jump in front of a car any day of the week for her and she knows this.

 

Does she REALLY know this? By ignoring her, saying she needs to change herself, etc, etc, etc... you are essentially saying I love the IDEA of you, but not who you ARE. Women can feel anything that feels even remotely insincere or incomplete.

 

I just am easily hurt and I have reacted. There are other things like when I'm hurt, I'm not easy to talk to because I'm just in shock that I was put in that position. Or if something is on my mind about myself, and she wants to tell me about something like a trip or her day, I'm wasn't always listening. These are all things I'm working on.

 

What I'm hearing? YOU YOU YOU YOU - when she has come to you, to share herself with you, you're not there for her - yet want her to be understanding, considerate of you. Relationships are a two-way street... as a woman, I would have started becoming bitter and hurtful towards you as well.

 

She always acted like she understood. I know she was hurt but no mention of breaking up EVER. Not even once from her end. Then one day when she upset me and I wasn't talking to her, she had enough. And that is where we are now. I know she doesn't want us not talking at all. She sounds very scared to be hurt but at the same time, I feel like she should know it wasn't because I am mean or intend but more because of everything that she knows about. Plus, I have been working on it and am in therapy and if it was the other way around, I know I would be supporting her through her and by her side, UNLESS I saw that she didn't care enough to try to fix it. Or there was cheating. Or the love was gone. At that point, I would give up. But that is me. I just feel like she turned her back on me for being the same emotional person I was when she met me 8 years ago. It has gotten more emotional for me but it's not like I suddenly became someone else.

 

It's very obvious to me that you have let her down many times in the past. Concerned for only how you are feeling etc... You feel like she turned her back on you? How many times do you think she was made to feel that way about YOU? You had rejected her yet again by not speaking to her. Yup. Women get to a point where they just can't stand it anymore. They get fed up. They'll take and take and take and deal and deal and deal until one day it hits us like a semi - and we're DONE. OK, you are emotional and blow up at her and then ignore her. A temper tantrum, yes? Rehabilitation through therapy takes YEARS - YEARS!!! She been with you long enough to realize now that you are probably not going to ever change - or at least not any time soon. She's probably angry with you, thus lashes out and says hurtful things - I know I did with my ex. I loved him so much yet NEVER forgot the horrible things he said and did to me.

 

She probably loves you very much, that's why she can't handle just NEVER speaking to you again - yet she's distancing herself. Kinda like weaning herself off of you. My suggestion, seriously? Take this time to work on yourself ONLY. Go to counseling, therapy, get meds to help... don't worry abnout doing it for the two of you - right now there is NO CHANCE that it's going work. Do it for yourself. Address all your past childhood crap. Find happiness within yourself. Maybe talk with her. Apologize to her, acknowledge the hurt you have caused her WITHOUT pointing the finger back at her... use only I and me statements - don't say YOU did this or YOU made me feel of anything like that. Ask for a break - so you can get things together. I mean a serious I'm taking time by myself to work on myslef break. Then perhaps in 6 months (although I think that still may be even too short of a time frame) - you guys can try and re-connect SLOWLY. There's too much hurt, broken trust etc right now - you guys will fall right back into the same relationship patterns. The best thing for both of you at this time is a seperation to let things cool off. If the two of you are meant to be then it WILL HAPPEN in the future. If not? Then you've got all that therapy under your belt so that you can have a GOOD and STABLE relationship with someone else.

[TiredMan]

I hear you but at the same time, you are knocking me for this and then making excuses for her reactions by saying "She's probably angry with you, thus lashes out and says hurtful things - I know I did with my ex." You know what I mean?

 

Also she has always talked about the things I did that bothered her but then you mention I shouldn't mention things that bother me to her? That's not how it works. She has childhood issues as well like she is emotionally attached to her parents. She has always been. She does not talk emotionally with them and they don't show feelings. I would be walking with her in front of them, I would hold her hand like we always did (this was huge for her) and she would move her hand away because of them. How is that supposed to make me feel?

 

I'm not holding on to a crappy childhood. My relationship with my family remains just as bad if not worse. I can forgive things always when changes occur.

 

And unconditional love is something she always talked about with me, explaining this is why she was so attached to her parents. Things will be ok and then she will start crying one day because she is worried about her parents dying in the future. They aren't even sick or anything. But I accept these things. It is tough sometimes tho too.

 

I do disagree with one thing tho. I think communicating your feelings should be done. So by that logic, does she only love the idea of ME too now?

 

I admit my temper was bad on those instances. I do care or I wouldn't be in therapy to stop it. At the same time, she knows that I am a very giving person. I have always been that. But I get hurt easy. My reactions is what I'm working on.

 

I do feel that SHE should be in therapy too for her issues. But she is the type that if you mention it, she gets all weird because she is scared of therapy b/c of family history as well.

 

It's a tough situation. I know what I did and admit it fully. It would be easy to just blame her alone but Im' not doing that. At the same time, I feel like I did forgive her all those times I got fed up too. I didn't just get upset for no reason. One thing I did learn is that it's not all on me. At first I felt it was and I was letting her dump on me nightly. Her response is that she has been hurt and/or mad. I told her then she is only doing what she is mad at me for doing which is letting your emotions get the better of you and then hurting someone because of it.

[obscuresin]

Question :

Is it possible for someone to manipulate you into thinking you have certain feelings for them by becoming the person they think you want them to be? Is that considered as NPD?

[temperamental_taurus]

It is hard to determine if someone is suffering from NPD - a serious mental illness/personality disorder just from the one example offered. From what you described it sounds like the person could possibly be trying to "mirror" you... meaning essentially give back to you everything that you want/are etc...

 

Then again there are definitely people in this world that try to compromise and change to accommodate their partner - those people definitely ARE NOT suffering from NPD. Only you yourself know your situation. I encourage you to do research regarding NPD and the other various personality disorders to see if you find any similarities between them and what you are experiencing. *hugs* - Temp.

[Maggy]

Hi temperamental taurus. thanks for having posted the following:

9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He will display integrity, and appear helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy. Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.

I new there had to be something wrong with my ex, as I have been in contact with an ex of his, and he was exactly like this to both of us. Couldn't wait to move in together, made plans, even bought a house together (thank god not with me but with his ex), and at the last minute broke up the relashionship, only to start seeing someone else the following week. He changed his lifestyle and would like what I liked (ie, working out almost every day, not drinking alcohol, eating healthily, travelling), though he was so convincing I really thought he enjoyed beeing like that (i never asked him to change!). I'm pretty sure he did the same to a third ex, but I'm not even going to try and find out. I'm pretty sure he is ill, and should seek therapy. But i'm not the one who is going to tell him that (I'm not breaking NC for that!)

[metalheart]

Hi temperamental taurus! I liked your post about the personality disorders. It's very interesting without a doubt!

 

And i agree with Maggy too.. i'm really convinced that my Ex Gf had some of those personality disorder descriptions..

 

THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST

THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR

OUR "SOUL MATE"

 

By other way.. i've seen so many descriptions about personality disorders that i'm starting to believe that i maybe had one of these things .

 

Maybe some referred to "Emotional Dependency" i'm really concerned about it.

 

I dunno, all i say its that must be something wrong with me, for not to get over totally someone who dumped you 1.9 years ago.. ( Geez i think im getting scary even from myself! )

 

I hope not scare you with my comments..

 

And for once, thanks for your interesting post. Bye!