Is it okay to not want to try anymore?

[egirl2005]

I feel like a failure! My husband of 13 years had an affair with a co-worker. He is having trouble letting go of her, of the guilt. I have gone through so many stages I don't know where I am at anymore. The last two month's he has been home, he says he is not seeing her outside the office anymore and I believe him, but he is not doing anything to help me heal and he admits he is not doing anything. He doesn't touch me, hug me, tell me he loves me etc. He doesn't call more often nothing.

 

Last Thursday I told him it was over that I could not go on like this ( we had been fighting a lot), he left and went to his family's home and says he used the weekend to think. He says he wants to come home, he wants to save our marriage, he will look for another job, which will be hard to find and get someone to talk too, not about our problems but about his guilt. He says he wants his life back, he wants his family back. He says he does not feel like himself and he feels empty. I asked him what about what I want, he says I guess I should have asked that. To bad I don't know anymore.

 

The problem is I don't know if I have the emotional strength to do this. It has been 6 months since he told me about the affair and he has lied about so much even after he told me. Then he comes home and does nothing to make me feel like this can work. I am trying to understand what he is going through but part of me just doesn't care. I don't understand why he has to care about this person!!!!! He has told me that we did not have a passionate marriage but we did have love and respect. he has never been able to make love to me very much even though I wanted more. He has told me that he fell in love with her, and that he has never experienced this kind of physical passion before. He has told me he has not been able to stop thinking about her. Then in the next breath he says he wants to fix our marriage and that we can fix the sex problem.

 

I admit it, I'm not a strong person, I am easily hurt by what other people say and I take everything to heart. I have never been able to stand up for myself very well either. I have never had much self confidence and what I did have went away when my husband would not make love to me for so many years and then had an affair. I know all of these things could have contributed to the affair, maybe he was looking for someone more confident. Please don't think that I asked him to take care of me. I handled the finances, I take care of most of the stuff to do with our son our home our families etc. etc. It's just emotionally I am easily hurt.

 

Now I feel like a failure because he is saying he wants to fix this and I don't think I can forget about him and this other woman together. I have all these pictures in my head of their passion while our life of me almost begging for his attention combats it. I am scared that I will spend the rest of my life wondering if he is wishing I was someone else, or he was somewhere else or if he will have to pretend that I am her in order to be with me.

 

I have always been too responsible. I take care of everything and everyone at the expense of myself and now I feel like a failure because I don't believe he can change, I think he is too selfish and I think he will expect me to do all the work (which is what has happened so far) I don't want to anymore, when is it my turn to be taken care of. I'm so tired!

 

I guess what I'm asking is how do you live with the fact that you might not want to save your marriage, that you might just want out because it is easier and is that okay. I want a chance to find someone new and exciting who make you feel important not like I were never good enough. I feel selfish because I want to feel something, anything good again and my son is the one who will suffer for my being to scared or to emotionally weak to try again.

[HajiMaji]

Hi egirl,

 

Youve been through a lot! I dont think anyone would blame YOU for not wanting to save the marrige. He cheated on you which hurts bad. It is his responsibility to step it up and show you how he wants to work on the marrige. From what you've written - it seems like he sorta wants to save the marrige, but he hasnt done much about it.

 

If I cheated on my wife I would tell her about it and get her reaction. If she was somewhat receptive to saving the marrige, I would actively work on it. I would get books, find a counselor, and be really smart about it.

 

You arent being selfish, your sticking up for yourself. If you want out its perfectly fine to leave. If hes not treating you how you would like then you should leave. Everyone deserves to be treated beautifully.

 

Your son will manage through either way. All children grow to be adults, and when hes an adult i think he could understand completely. Keep loving and supporting your son (and have his father do the same) and he will get through this.

 

My heart goes out to you, this is such a rough situation and I hope you the best. You will heal from all this weather its with your husband or not.

[TiredMan]

I'm probably not the right person to talk about this but since I can't help myself through my situation, I might help others.

 

For me personally, I feel like cheating has no excuse. I know what you are talking about with a long relationship. Mine was 8 years long. She decided that my emotional problems and reactions got her fed up and it made her feel so horrible. So she basically cut away. We still talk though it's too painful for me because I feel so betrayed. Had I cheated, I wouldn't blame her. Basically if I didn't have these issues, which she has always known about, and the reactions (getting hurt and not talking or saying things) didn't happen, she would have been fine.

 

To get to your situation, have you guys considered couples counseling? If he does still love you and want it to work, he would go. You describe me in that I am a HUGE heart and take everything people say and do so hard. This in term caused the emotional outbursts when I felt like I couldn't take holding it in anymore. I always thought that people who know how I take things so hard should take steps not to do those things. Maybe I expect too much but who knows.

 

Ask yourself what do you truly want?

[BellaDonna]

my son is the one who will suffer for my being to scared or to emotionally weak to try again.

 

Your son will also suffer if you and your husband argue and if he sees his mother unhappy. You do not want to have your son thinking that sadness is to be expected in relationship, or it can thwart his emotional development. Staying together "for the kids" isn't always best.

 

He says he wants to come home, he wants to save our marriage, he will look for another job, which will be hard to find and get someone to talk too, not about our problems but about his guilt. He says he wants his life back, he wants his family back. He says he does not feel like himself and he feels empty. I asked him what about what I want, he says I guess I should have asked that. To bad I don't know anymore.

 

The ball is in your court now. Keep that in mind. Even if you decide to let him come back and see if he follows through- you do not HAVE to stay with him. If you are unsure about what to do you might want to give him one last shot. If you still feel unfufilled, and he does not change, and you are still unable to forgive- then you know what you need to do. You can end it at any time. You deserve happiness. You are not being selfish. He profoundly violated your marriage.

 

Couples counseling might be a good idea even if this was not your fault (i.e. he was the one who cheated and he clearly has issues) But couples counseling may help you deal with your emotions and to feel stronger. Even if the couples counseling leads to you deciding to divorce, you may at least be able to get some closure by getting your feelings of anger, disgust, guilt, betrayal on the table. Ultimately, you should not go through this alone,

 

BellaDonna

[funnyCAgirl]

My heart goes out to you because I know how bad it hurts to be betrayed like that. His emotional distance right now is not helping you to feel better. I hope that the two of you will be able to see if your marriage will work and if so be able to work through this.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi there,

 

I've been in your shoes, but a tad different. My guy handled things a bit differently and now we're doing pretty well.

 

My advice to you is to see a counsellor. It sounds like it is not just the affair that is eating at you, but also something else...your low self esteem must have come from somewhere, and even if you decide to leave the marriage (which is certainly understandable), you may find that you are not happy nonetheless, because the root issue hasn't been addressed.

 

Some people feel that therapy is a weakness. I don't know if you're one of those people, but believe me, it is so nice to have someone objective, who knows how people tick, to talk to. It's definitely worth trying. If you had a pipe burst in your home, you wouldn't fix it yourself; you'd hire a plumber. If you need to sue someone, you don't do that by yourself, you hire the appropriate professional. That's all that counselling is. I encourage you to see a counsellor who can help you realize what will make you happy.

 

Feel free to PM me if you like.