Am I being unrealistic?

[maria219]

My bf recently moved 5 hours away to start medical school. Since school has started for him, I have barely spoken to him and whenever I call him he rarely picks up. I find it very difficult to continue a relationship where there is almost no contact. He gets upset at me very easily and especially when I get upset about him not calling me once a day or every other day. He says that I just don't understand how hard medical school is. I'm trying to give him his space and be understanding but my heart is hurting because everytime we get in a disagreement he says he can't talk about this now and leaves the conversation. How much is too much?? Is it too much to expect a daily phone call?? Should I just end it with him?

Any opinions?

[DN]

I understand medical school is very hard and time-consuming. If it is also only recently that he started then he is still in the process of getting settled in, acclimatising to the work regime and trying to find his way about. so it is understandable if other things in his life, including you unfortunately, are going to take a back seat for awhile.

 

The choice is yours. You can either give him some time so he can get things sorted and calmed down, or you can leave him.

 

But don't leave him as a ploy to get him to pay more attention to you. That would be unfair and could easily backfire on you.

[appleberry]

hmmm i'm in medical school and i can talk to my gf in LDR for at least an hour a day PLUS online (and this is during school and not during vacation). There are a lot of free time in med school and if he can't dish out at least a couple of phone calls every day, then maybe his priority is set on school more than you (yes, kinda brutal but im being honest). I mean, it doesn't have to be an hour but at least 20-30 min a day is NOT AT ALL too much to ask for. That being said, i personally would say break it off, but it's up to you.

[DN]

hmmm i'm in medical school and i can talk to my gf in LDR for at least an hour a day PLUS online (and this is during school and not during vacation). There are a lot of free time in med school and if he can't dish out at least a couple of phone calls every day, then maybe his priority is set on school more than you (yes, kinda brutal but im being honest). I mean, it doesn't have to be an hour but at least 20-30 min a day is NOT AT ALL too much to ask for. That being said, i personally would say break it off, but it's up to you.

Have you recently started med school?

[appleberry]

Nope, i've been in for a while. However, i understand your question and I can say that there ARE plenty of time even if he JUST STARTED school and feel the pressure. School during the first year is usually just 9-5 at worst whereas right now i work more than 10 hours a day and still make time. Yes he needs to acclimatize or find his way around, but that shouldn't pressure him to not even being able to make a few minutes to talk on the phone.

 

Lets say i move to a different state to start a new job and need to grow accustomed to my new surroundings; that shouldn't stop me at all from contacting my gf if i truly love her. Especially nowadays calling is so much easier with cell phones and such. To sum it up, no matter how much pressure he may feel, 20-30 min a day is NOT too much to ask for. If he can't make that kind of time, does he not make time to eat meals or go to the bathroom or sleep?

[DN]

I think it depends on the individual: what he is like as a person, how he reacts to different circumstances, how well organised he is, how well he fits into a new place, how comfortable he feels, how overwhelmed he may feel. And other things that I haven't thought of.

 

The fact that you may have found time to spend 30 minutes a day talking on the phone or MSN doesn't mean that he can. Nor does it mean that he doesn't care about her.

 

Isn't it hazardous in medicine to assume that just because some of the symptoms presented in two different patients are the same that it means the diagnosis must be the same?

[appleberry]

I think it depends on the individual: what he is like as a person, how he reacts to different circumstances, how well organised he is, how well he fits into a new place, how comfortable he feels, how overwhelmed he may feel. And other things that I haven't thought of.

 

The fact that you may have found time to spend 30 minutes a day talking on the phone or MSN doesn't mean that he can. Nor does it mean that he doesn't care about her.

 

Of course; I was just describing my experience and did not in fact say that he doesn't care about her. You took the optimistic approach and I, being the devil's advocate, took the pessimistic approach. Only the OP can safely say "what he is like as a person" and how he deals with stressful situations If he is the kind of person that, out of 24 hours a day, cannot spare 10 mins to talk, then so be it.

[DN]

I don't think I was being either optimistic or pessimistic. I am just suggesting a possible reason why he may be acting in this way and that it is better not to jump to any conclusions. But it is possible his reasons are less than acceptable.

[Cadence308]

You need to read the book, "He's just not that into you..." If a guy is not calling you then he's just not that into you. If he's not calling you when he says that he will, he's just not that into you. It's common sense. If your boyfriend really cared about you and was into you then he would be making the time to call as appleberry suggested.

 

I think you should dump him and move on and find someone who will give you the time and attention that you deserve and not make up excuses as to why you are not a priority in "his" life.

 

GL!

[maria219]

Thanks for all the replies....it really is a tough question since he's not willing to talk about anything that "may" stress him out...

We were previously broken up over a year ago...and had NC for about 10 months and he decided to get in contact again and actually decided on a medical school closer to me to be able to still see each other occasionally....although at the moment...it doesn't seem like that would even work since we can barely talk on the phone..

[boudicca]

Leave him. It doesn't sound like he's really thinking about you or caring for your concerns.

 

Tell him if he doesn't have time for your feelings, he must not have time to love you and thereforeeee, you don't have time to waste on him. Then hang up.

 

It doesn't take longer than 5 minutes for someone to pick up the phone and let someone know that they love them, and that they're thinking of them.

[DN]

People seem very quick to tell you to leave him. Seems to me that may be a little premature without telling him that you are very concerned about the relationship and that you need reassurance and communication if it is to last. Let's not be too precipitate here. If you really love him then maybe it is worth fighting for - at least a little.

[appleberry]

I think the reason why people are quick to say leave him is mainly because at this point, telling him you are concerned is very likely to get the same kind of response that he's displaying in the first place; that he'll say he's busy with work and that you are over-reacting, etc etc...

 

sure, you can't just leave him without telling him you are concerned, but the point is that at this moment whether telling him or not might not change much...

[lillady898]

Being in a long-distance relationship right now with someone who is in an accounting programs at a Big 10 university (all whilst maintaining a 4.0 GPA) and he is the head of a business fraternity, I agree that is very difficult to not talk to him as much I would like.

 

But I care about him and everything he needs to do right now. When he went up to school at first, we talked daily. But things started and now we talk about once every 3-4 days for nearly 20 minutes, and I'm okay with it. Because if we focus on what we have to do NOW, our future will be so much better later (we will be closer if we get through this together, financially we will both be fine, we will have time to grow as individuals, etc.)

 

This is what we do in our LDR: Instead of making concrete plans to call, we call eachother whenever we have the oppurtunity. That way, there are never any dissa pointments if either of us are unexpectedly busy. And furthermore, it is a very nice surprise to look at my caller ID and see his name at random times. We also make our conversations happy. I don't nag him about not talking much, and he doesn't nag me. It makes us want to rearrage our schedule even more to talk since we have pleasant conversations rather than whiny ones. We never talk about how we miss eachother, but we look towards the future instead.

 

If you can't handle it, then simply don't do it. But don't expect him to give up making a life for himself all on account of how much you want to talk to him.

 

 

 

EDIT: I'de also like to add that there are other ways to stay connected. Voicemails, emails, gifts, hand-written latters via snail mail, cards. Sometimes if I'm missing him I stay connected by visiting his family who lives nearby.

[bigbearsgirl]

My immediate reaction is that he's being pretty selfish, a bit precious and very much a prima donna about everything. So he's busy, so he's stressed I would have thought speaking to you if only for a snatched 5 minutes would be balm to his soul and help him cope with his stress.

I'm in a LDR and when I'm particularly stressed I crave a chat with my man like some people crave a cigarette and vice versa. Even if we can't advise each other sometimes just talking about mundane stuff helps take the focus off your own stressful situation.

You are obviously trying to look at things from his point of view but he doesn't appear to even remotely want to afford you the same courtesy. I would find it intolerable to not be able to express myself for fear or stressing him further and continuously walking on eggshells. I thought one of the good things about a committed relationship is supposedly being able to seek the out one's partner in times of stress. It is just downright immature and thoughtless to point blank refuse to discuss these issues with you and terminate the calls when he doesn't like what you're saying.

I'm reluctant to give you concrete advice as to what you should do but personally I would move hell and high water to try and resolve this if you love him. If he won't communicate by phone could you not visit him? Have it out once and for all and if you still aren't happy with the outcome maybe you need to reassess this relationship.

[xdiedxdeadx]

I agree with lillady898. If he's not able to talk to you at all times, then so be it. Be happy with the times you do get to speak to him. Just because he's trying to make a life for himself doesn't mean he lost interest.

[starrrr]

It seems to me you're upset about ur situation, you complain to him about it, he gets upset cuz he really can't do anything about it, and he's already stressed out about school on top of it all...what i see here is you want his attention...attention he can't quite give you at the moment...

 

I say give him time, let him know, preferably through email so he can read it during his free time and not through the phone, that you just miss him, talking to him...and that you understand his situation and you will be understanding...tell him good luck with ur studies, have a good day, just lil things that may help him out with the stress and just showin you care and are thinking about him......and it should make him feel good, and when he feels good, he'll picture his feel good feeling with you, and will maybe make him call you more often......

 

To sum it up, don't add any more stress in his life about you guys not communicating much or whatever. Obviously he's not as concerned and has his mind in school, so instead just do some nice things for him instead without thinking about getting anything in return.. Yeah it sux, you miss him and all, so why not express it in some positive way instead of arguing and pointing out how you guy aren't talking.....

 

And then just give it time....and see how things turn out...