Does getting back together really work in this situation?

[axele]

Ok... I dated this guy for a short time. I really cared about him, and even though we broke up.. we stayed pretty tight. It just worked out, we hung out every week playing tennis, studying, etc.

 

All of the sudden he tells me he is getting back together with his ex...the one before me. I told him it was a really bad idea. She used to abuse him... slapped him anytime he did something she didn't like. He says they have both changed and talked about it, and that they want to work it out.

 

Of course anything I say against her he will defend. He even said one reason why he and I didn't work out was because he still had feelings for her. Yet, he thinks we should be able to remain close, and hang out like before.

 

Im 25, he's 29. He and I live near eachother, she lives an hour or 2 away.

 

I told him I didn't want anything to do with him, that I should have learned my lesson the first time and not be friends with an ex. I told him he was making a mistake by going back with her, and people don't change that much. Then of course I told him I hated him because I opened up to him and he hurt me. I feel betrayed, confused, and a little lost. What should I be doing? Am I doing the right thing? Is it really possible that this relationship will last (I worry about him with her... I feel she is bad news)

[Gilgamesh]

Are you forgetting that you were only friends? or were you only pretending to be friends in the hopes that he would fall back into a relationship with you?

 

Of course anything I say against her he will defend. He even said one reason why he and I didn't work out was because he still had feelings for her.

 

As a "friend" you only had to tell him once, that he is doing the wrong thing, and only more if he asks.

 

Seems to me you fell for a guy on the rebound, thats a definate no no!

learn from that experience.

 

I told him I didn't want anything to do with him, that I should have learned my lesson the first time and not be friends with an ex

 

And if your just "Friends" why would him dating his Ex hurt you? why would should it interfer with your friendship? your acting like a jealous girlfriend and not his buddy. the only mistake made was him confiding in you as a friend what he was doing in his life, I bet his male friends didnt stop talking to him, even if they thought he was making an error.

 

the issue here is, you never considered him as only a friend, you have been under the delusion that things would eventually return the way they did.

 

So it may not be what you want to hear, but you first made the mistake of falling for a man on the rebound, you broke up as a couple, and he saw you as a friend he could trust, you pretended to be a friend but was still in love, he told you personal stuff believing he could trust you as a "friend" and you do all this stuff. not good at all.

 

If you dont want to lose him as a friend, then you should say your sorry, and never mention or talk about that other girl again, and never speak bad about her, let him find out for himself.

 

It may take some time for him to trust you again, now that he knows your still in love with him and were only pretending to be a friend only.

will be very hard to repair the damage done.

[axele]

I know that in my post it sounds like I still like the guy. Yeah he and I dated, but it was only 4 a few months. I guess I am more hurt by the fact that he is dating a girl whoe is horrible to him. Who he had told me before that he would never go back to. I'm not to worried about losing his trust. I have always been 100% honest with him. I just can't possibly see how I can hang out with him, knowing that I would have to sit comfortably when he changes plans with me because his gf is mad at him. I don't think I saw us as ever getting things back together. He really does need to get his stuff together...he has been making a lot of stupid mistakes. Yes, I suppose I am hurt and reacted the way I did because I was...but this girl really slaps him, and yells at him...its just not a wise decision. Does it also make since that my friends are telling me to run...that he is no good? I just want to know that eventually he will be ok, and this girl won't win... abuse shouldn't be forgiven should it?

[LadyV]

Hi Axele

 

If he's going to go back he will & if he lets her do it again then there's nothing you can do. You've said what you think but saying you didn't want anything to do with him is a bit harsh. If you genuinely want a friendship with him & can handle the fact that he's with someone else, then if he contacts, try to be friendly, chatty & upbeat, etc. Don't mention the other girl, just ask how he is & keep it short. Being in an abusive relationship is hell but he will realise.

 

Hope this helps