How to let go?

[Tolly]

When a split occurs....and your still in love. How do you let go.

I have to see my ex quite alot (its only a small town!). Normally I have to see her with her new man.

With all this in mind...how do I get rid of these clingy feelings?

[doblersdream]

When a split occurs....and your still in love. How do you let go.

 

Jeez, i know how you feel on that one. If you wanna chat on msn messenger, add me, and we can share loathing of our situation...

[Tolly]

I would mate, but Im at work and cant add messenger!

[doblersdream]

That's ok. I do know how you feel though. I don't have the problem of seeing my ex in person a lot, but am tortured by reminders of her everywhere i look. I think sometimes that is worse, because you end up idealising things that were average and normal.

 

I wish there was some easy fix, but i don't think there is - for any of us in this situation. You're not alone, my friend.

[TrooperMojo]

Hey there,

I'm there too. I have posts around detailing my situation but basically it's the same as yours. I'm still in love with my ex, I am constantly reminded of her, and on occasion, I see her around because it's a small town.

 

It's so not easy. It's been a month so far and I am just barely starting to come to grips. I'll tell you one thing that MAY help is listening to the radio. About 80 to 90% of songs out there are about this exact same situation. I find it kind of comforting that it's such a common problem.

 

I'll tell you the same thing I try to tell myself. Life goes on. No matter how much you think you'll never meet anyone else like your ex, you could possibly meet someone better. There's so much variability in the future there's no reason to choose a bleak outlook over a happy outlook. None of us can see the future ergo don't worry about it. Things could just as easily get much better.

 

It's a LOT easier said than done... honestly I have a hard time believing it myself sometimes, but you just have to hang in there. You'll get that much smarter and stronger because of this experience... that's all life is y'know, a series of experiences. Embrace them all, even the unpleasent ones because even the unpleasent ones are valuable in the grand scheme of things.

 

MOJO

[sameasalways]

okay this sounds cheap and it is, and maybe or probably not the best way to deal with feelings, but for me it always worked. That was, to have sex with someone else, or date someone else, and meet other people I was attracted to. However that was when i was only dating people. I've been married 6 years now and I think if something happenned to my relationshiop, well, I understand the different stages of feelings I go through after a loss now, and I know what does work and doesn't work with the other person when a breakup occurs. certainly being bitter or angry doesn't work and gets you nowhere. To some extent it just takes time. I know it depends on why you break up too. Also, try journaling whenever you are feeling things are out of control, emotion wise. you can through it away when you are done if you want and are worried about other people reading it. It does help I just don't know why. Also, I think its important to know its normal to feel a loss, and that it is indeed a loss, and when any loss occurs there is bound to be sadness over that loss. So not to let yourself get even more down because you are feeling that loss, but to know that its normal and it does pass eventually. You can also try to stay really busy so you don't have time to think of that person much, and maybe you'll even meet someone else that you never would have it weren't for that. Sorry this isn't a huge help, its just things I've done in the past, and in the end, I suppose we all do what we have to do to get by another day when we are at that point. So don't feel guilty about it.

[kddmsu]

As many others in this situation, I feel ya buddy. Think of it like you have lost someone from a death and they are never coming back. What you need to do is just be strong and maintain your pride and integrity. But life is too short, you know? Make life and experince and an adventure!!!! Right now or maybe never your ex is not in your life, so do what make you feel good, be selfish, you deserve it!!!! I really can't give you this utopian idea of getting over your ex, honestly the only way to get over it is to wait it out, time will heal all wounds. And by wait it out I don't mean to wait for your ex, but rather wait out the pain you are feeling and in time it will become almost nonexistent. And the great part about that is, you will have learned a great deal about yourself from this experience. Good Luck to you and remember each day will get better

[crookster_man]

What are you clinging onto? You say you have a hard time letting go. Letting go of what? Are you in love with the girl or the woman you thought she was? I think your still clinging to the relationship not the real person.

 

If it makes you feel any better she hasn't forgotten about you. Have you forgotten about you old GF's? Though I'm sure she has a more realistic view of you, in time you will come to terms with the fact that the woman you love doesn't exist. When someone dies, (or a relationship dies) we tend to place it upon a pedestal and remember only the best parts. Don't forget there are reasons why you broke up.

 

Gather your wits and gain what insights you can from this relationship. Take it into the next, and it will be better then this. Trust me you will find love again, it won't be the same as this was... it will be better; you will be wiser and more experienced.

 

Now focus on building yourself up and healing your self. Do things that make you happy and don't focus on your girl. When you see her say to yourself "She's gone" Try seeing her as a real person, not the "perfect" person you have constructed in your mind.

[Tolly]

I am in love with the girl unfortunately. As for the bad point and the reason we broke up....well they were valid, but it now appears that they dont mean anything unless shes in my life.

I make a specific effort to be up and happy in my life when she comes into the pub.

 

As for not thinking about me. Well we had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago and she said i pop into her mind about twice a week. Strange as we had 2 excellent years together, but I suppose she new love in her life is occupying all the spots that I used to. I dont think of my last longtermer at all, so Im afraid your argument fails.

[chocos]

i still love my ex very much.. think of him all the time. its so painful. I wish i could just love my memory today, so that i can just forget him. I really wish i could. But it is so lame.. and yet i feel so hurtful and painful.

 

He cheated on me, and i am still willing to forgive him...

[kdreger]

It's been a month for me and I'm still fighting my feelings.

 

She's moved on, I have no doubt of this. I think part of the reason I'm having a problem is because I have regrets in losing this girl due to my own stupidity. So I'm kicking myself and grieving over it. It's easier to forgive other people versus yourself.

[crookster_man]

Tolly, I'm sure you have some thoughts of you old "long timer" and that doesn't mean you miss them. That means that you appreciate what you had and have learned and grown from the relationship. It's healthy to move on, that's what your suppose to do. Though completely putting an ex out of your mind is not healthy either.

 

It's going to hurt for a while, nothing no one can say will stop that. My advice to you is to try to avoid her as much as possible. AT least for the time being. Until your able to separate your feelings for her and the reality of the situation.

 

As for her... somebody who jumps into a new relationship is usually on the rebound. She's trying to forget about you and alleviate her pain. Unless your relationship was so far gone that she was over your before you even broke up

 

 

Regardless, she's using the other guy as a rubber crutch. You can grow as an individual if you don't feel the pain and loss of a relationship. Trust me your in a way better place then she is, even though you can't see it right now. I'm assuming that she got into a new relationship rather quickly. If she waited over a couple months then maybe she was ready to move on.

 

Either way, you need to focus on the positive. Do not look at your hurt feelings and how you were left on the curb. Try to look at the relationship as a learned experience. a moment in your life that will make it possible for you to truly love and understand your future partner to be. As long as you continue to move onwards you will never stagnate. Remember you don't need anybody to make you worthwhile, respect yourself and others will follow suit.

 

Chocos, If somebody cheated on you, then they MESSED UP. They aren't worth your time. One strike and your OUT, live by that rule. Don't ever allow anyone to have control over you by allowing them back into your life. People have to know that you have more self respect then that. Remember people will treat you no better then you treat yourself. If you feel such low self worth, NO ONE will give you any respect.

[chocos]

I know... he claims that he was not on the rebound and neither was it a crush, really wonder how true that is. And he said, technically he cannot cheat on me because he only started one day after we broke up...hmm...

Another thing was that the girl liked him, so he accepted her, probably without much feelings...

 

I guess it didn't work out due to the distance factor. I know....

 

I know it would be difficult to get him out of my head.. i am trying... but it is just so hard, especially when you have trusted him so so so much. All the futures we envisioned together, all the promises we made to each other.

[crookster_man]

Betrayal is this hardest relationship trauma to forgive. It's also the hardest wound to get over. It requires a lot of persistence and soul searching. I know it really sucks. I've been there. You have to keep it all in perspective. Don't associate his betrayal with you placing trust in someone. Don't be like "I'll never trust again" because his bad actions don't mean you were bad for placing trust in someone.

 

He used you and played you. Breaking up with you and going out with someone right away is a cop out, he defiantly had plans to do that, so he was already betraying your trust and respect long before it was over. This might not be a clear cut case of "cheating" but it is just as painful and hard. Betrayal always is.

 

People who jump into new relationships are just trying to deflect feelings of pain, guilt or whatever is troubling them. It may seem that he is better off now (because he has a new partner and you do not) but this is not the case. Trust me, you have the chance to grow and really develop from this experience. He is running away from dealing with it. Thus he will not grow.

 

It's okay to be upset and frustrated. Noting is wrong with feeling down or angry, just don't dwell on your sad feelings. When you feel down try to do something (write, walk, workout, call up a friend) something to engage yourself. It will work it's self out in the end, have faith.

[chocos]

Well, what can i say? yes, betrayal is the hardest thing to forgive. And suprisingly, i actually forgive him. I just keep worrying about him. I worry about almost everything about him. Worried if he would be well taken care of by this gal (he is rather spoilt) and worries if she would understand him and also worry if he knows how to treat her well (he is quite a crude fellow).

 

I don't really know why i am worrying, but i really do miss him. I miss our happy moments and wonder why he can just switch things off just like a switch.

 

I really am still not learning to let go.. and like the saying goes, "Love can be measured by the hurt you feel when you set it free"