To cheat or not to cheat

[yeawutever]

And by the way how did she found out, cuz if you confess it, then you have a better chance of recovering lost trust but if u lie about it and then confess only when u got caught, then nothing much can be done.

[vortex]

u went into cheating just to satisfy ur lust? Wut an excuse!!!!!!!

 

Ailec,

My initial post was me finding excuses. My last post is simply stating the facts and consequences that followed my act.

 

How did I get caught? Well, I didn't, I guess that deep down she always knew something was up (minus a few details). Her attitude was basically: admit it, stay with me and I'll forgive and "forget". The impression that she gives is that she simply swept the whole thing under the carpet! That bugs me, I wished I knew how she truly feels, how she is coping etc. It seems as if nothing ever happened, I don't know whether she's in denial. If she is, well someday it's all gonna pop up - action = reaction.

 

How could she want me back? And why did I go back? I don't know. I don't know! Well I'm sure you guys are gonna bombard me with theories . The truth is, there are still some answers I need to find and I don't wanna rush to any conclusions. I wanna take this a step at a time. The good thing is that we are both planning to spend some time apart and away from home. Reflection time. I'll keep you guys posted about the outcome.

[miracle29]

Listen, you made a mistake, (sorry i was so hard on you earlier) but don't kick yourself in the grits because from what i can see YOU ARE VERY SAD that you did it. I think you and your women need to go to a therapist to seek futher help. This will help you tell her things you may feel you can't say to her, and this will help her tell you things you may not have known. I wish you the best and really think a third party is needed here and can help you mend what you almost lost. The good thing is your partner knows, you are not hiding anything and she forgave you and took you back. She must really love you, and thats half the battle. Please ...please go to a therapist. They can help you with this.

 

 

 

[vortex]

Listen, you made a mistake, (sorry i was so hard on you earlier) but don't kick yourself in the grits because from what i can see YOU ARE VERY SAD that you did it. I think you and your women need to go to a therapist to seek futher help. This will help you tell her things you may feel you can't say to her, and this will help her tell you things you may not have known. I wish you the best and really think a third party is needed here and can help you mend what you almost lost. The good thing is your partner knows, you are not hiding anything and she forgave you and took you back. She must really love you, and thats half the battle. Please ...please go to a therapist. They can help you with this.

 

What are you sorry about? Everything you said in your first post was true. My partner and I had a chat. I asked her how she felt and basically she feels that what happened is partly her fault; that she's responsible for me looking elsewhere. That used to be my excuse too. However, I explained to her that the only one responsible is ME, MYSELF & I!!! I'm the one who messed up, I'm the one who cheated, I'm the one who was disrespectful to her and to our relationship. It feels awful to have acted so badly, to have hurt her so much and yet for her to feel guilty.

 

The crazy thing is that all the time I was messing about, I didn't have any guilt. I felt like I deserved all that she couldn't give me. I was a fool. She gave me so much. She gave me love and support. I was blinded by lust and my own selfishness. I guess life is a learning curve, quite steep too at times.

[ocrob]

I am confused about one thing. It sounds like you have not had sex, but fooled around. If this is the case, then you have already cheated. I hope that you haven't and if not, then don't. Also, if you have cheated or you leave your girlfriend for this other woman, the new one will definitely remember your behavior. In other words, if you have cheated and get together with this other woman, she will have thoughts about you doing the same thing to her. Maybe she will have urges to cheat in the future and justify it because you have done it. Just a little food for thought. As yourself this question......If this other woman were not in the picture, would you want to continue things the way they are going? If you do break up with your current girlfriend and the other woman no longer has interest will you have regret? If you current gf is not doing it for you, then you have a legitimate reason to consider leaving her. Just don't leave her for the wrong reason and regret it in the future. No doubt you are in a tough situation and I sure don't know what I would do, but would not cheat.

 

ocrob

[yeawutever]

1 Ocrob, didn't u read his last post, says he cheated already, he and her did the deed and his g/f is even blaming herself for it.

[Vanilla]

"what my partner doesnt know can't hurt her"- i despise that line.

 

im sorry you cheated, but you should have known what you were getting yourself into.

 

cheaters always come back with those same lines.

 

you are very lucky she stuck around...im sorry, but you sounded old enough to know better.

[imsobusted_introuble]

Yea, ur lucky she still wanted to stay with u, but yes, people do make mistakes and well, don't think it's nice being to harsh on it, now, I'll post my thread.

[sparticuss]

Judgemental mob this lot!

Lets try to get back to a little logic. You got everything but sex with your present partner?? Does she have a problem with you engaging in a little masturbation?

 

Whats bothering me is that, if everything but the sex is so good that the lack of sex would send you looking elsewhere. I'm thinking that maybe things with your partner are not so good in a few other areas too.

 

Or perhaps this other woman is more than just good sex.

 

These are options/proposals.suggestions. Only you can really judge how close to the mark I am.

[vortex]

Judgemental mob this lot!

 

Whats bothering me is that, if everything but the sex is so good that the lack of sex would send you looking elsewhere. I'm thinking that maybe things with your partner are not so good in a few other areas too.

 

Or perhaps this other woman is more than just good sex.

 

You are right, this other woman was more than just sex. We connected on different levels. It's not that things weren't so good on other areas with my partner. It's just that I've never known it to be any different.

 

This whole affair/cheating has been over for two months now. I'm not here on this forum to cry over spilt milk. What happened happened, full stop. All I can do is talk about the aftermaths and deal with it.

 

Vanilla and Imsobusted_Introuble, do you really think that "I'm lucky that my partner stuck around". I don't feel lucky. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel unlucky either. What I mean is that in this context, no one is really lucky, especially if one's messed up.

 

For all the others who think that "cheaters always come back with those same lines",well too bad. Lets say that cheaters aren't very original. They mustn't be, to have been doing the same old thing for generations and generations. Guess being faithful isn't more original either, it's just more respectful.

[ScreenagerX]

Interesting reading Vortex. Funnily enough it all reminds me of myself, the only difference being that I didn't go through with the actual "act".

 

I understand where you were coming from before (similiar situation re : no sex) & after (I too have had to be forgiven but on a slightly lesser level).

 

Give your relationship time, but I will stress you must get your partner to open up about this. You need to get it out in the open so the healing/forgiveness process can begin. You have yourself a wonderful women there. Don't forget that. You may not think you deserve her now but what has happened will only show you in the future how lucky you really are.

 

I don't have any magical cures for the lack of sex in your relationship, I'm still trying to find those for mine. Each reason is different, the problem in mine may be completely different to yours. But then it may be the same. Have you actually been giving her the attention she deserves? Or, like me, did you start to take her for granted? Other people have said it & I'm going to repeat; relationships are an ongoing effort requiring constant care & attention. You may find, as I have to a degree, what effort you put in outside the bedroom is soon reflected inside.

 

Good luck.

[vortex]

Thanks Spader

 

You are right, relationship is an ongoing effort and I'll remember that and work on it. What I also realise now is that I was also to blame for driving my partner away. There were things going on in my life which resulted in me being quite selfish at times and taking my partner for granted.

 

Guess we all learn from experience.

[RayKay]

Wow vortex, I had missed your update...and quite the update!

 

I am very sorry to hear you DID go ahead and cheat, because of all the hurt and betrayal, but it does seem like you have now learned firsthand it is not just about sex, and that secrecy does not hurt anyone, and so forth.

 

It is definitely a difficult road to repair and heal a relationship after an affair, but it can be done. Some relationships falter, but some become stronger as the couple is forced to look back at all the issues that have gone on, be honest with one another, be vulnerable, and work together. They start anew, and sometimes can make things stronger and more understanding then they ever were. While cheating is never excusable in my books, it does take both people to make and break a relationship, so you both need to look back and put some effort forth.

 

There are some sites out there for people dealing with rebuilding after infidelity and infidelity in general, if you PM me I can refer you to a couple of them.

 

Good luck.

[coollady1957]

Please do NOT cheat on anyone. IF you love them then work it out. If you are feeling the need to go outside the relationship for sex , then part with your current partner before you ever cheat on them. My BF cheated on me and in the end he said he thought he would get away with it and that i would be none the wiser. When some one is cheated on its a horrible thing to go through. Please dont hurt some one by doing this.

[coollady1957]

OOOPS i missed the part about the cheating had already occurred like some of the others did as well. I think its just horrible to cheat for any reason, there is NOTHING that can justify that at all. IF you are not satisfied with what you are getting or not getting from a relationship , then you need to part before cheating ever becomes and option.

[vortex]

coollady1957

 

Yeah I did cheat, but trust me, while this whole thing was going on, I was miles away from reality, miles away from ever realising what effect this would have on the other people involved and on myself. I was too full of lust.

 

It's tough to rebuild a relationship, even though my partner forgave me. It's hard to live with what I inflicted on both women. The hurt etc, it's a nightmare. It's a painful process to get over the whole thing, to try and forget, because I cannot forget.

 

Now I wished I'd been strong enough, wise enough not to put the people involved, including myself, through this whole mess. But there's nothing I can do to erase the past. I can only move forward and try to deal with the consequences of my past actions.

 

What a mess! But hey, on the positive side, my relationship with my partner is getting better, but there's still a long way to go till we get back what we lost. I am putting much effort into it and time will tell whether we are really made for each other.

[yeawutever]

Yes indeed, very long way, geeez hope no guy does that to me, I would be so disgusted and curb him right away. Now that I'm reading lots of posts here about cheaters and people who do it, it's like I'm now even a little scare of being cheated on if I ever get into a relation.

[vortex]

Now that I'm reading lots of posts here about cheaters and people who do it, it's like I'm now even a little scare of being cheated on if I ever get into a relation.

 

Ailec1987

 

People don't get into relationships with the apprehension that it will or might all go wrong. They do it with the anticipation of good things to come.

 

Maybe you should stop reading posts about cheaters, from what you're saying it doesn't seem to be doing you any good.

 

Take care