My gf of 5 years has cheated on me..

[aqua]

Hello! After reading many of the posts here on this forum I decided to share my own story and seek advice.. sorry for the ranting, I just felt I had to write it out of me!

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 5 years. It was, for both of us, our first long-time relationship and it has been very good. At times we have had our problems, but we have always sorted them out and come back to each other. During spring this year, my girlfriend studied abroad. This was something I was ok with, since I knew that it was something that she really wanted to do. She then came back and we continued living together all through the summer, like nothing had happened.

 

Now, a week ago she tells me that she wants us to have a break in our relationship and that she wants to go back abroad. She tells me that she met a guy while she was out partying with her friends, and that he tried to kiss her. She said that she had stopped him, but that she felt that she wanted to kiss him at the same time. This wasn't very fun for me to hear, but we talked and talked and I explained to her that I thought that it could be ok anyway, because everybody can feel temptation and the important part is what you decide to do with it. I thought we were really getting somewhere, but she still seemed reluctant with dropping the idea of us having a break in our relationship. She said she needed to think it through.

 

Well, a couple of days later she said that she wanted us to have that break. We talked again, and then she revealed that she had in fact not only not stopped him from kissing her, she had also slept with him. I was devastated to say the least. She said that she loved me and that she never wanted to hurt me and that she'd been drunk and that one thing had led to another.. Well, that made it even harder for me. I still loved her, but every time I thought about it I was nauseated.. My girlfriend who was the sweetest, most caring person in the world.. She was the last one I thought be unfaithful to anybody.. Despite it being really hard for me, I thought that maybe I could forgive her some day, since I loved her so much. The thing is that she said that she didn't know if she really wanted to be with me, or if she wanted to "feel free" and live without the responsibilities towards me. She said she couldn't trust herself, and that she could quite possibly do the same thing again, and that she didn't know if she wanted me to be with somebody like her. I said, well at least you have been honest with me now, although you have lied to me for four months. She then decided to go away for a week to think things through (i.e. decide if she wanted to be with me).

 

While she was away, my jealousy got the better of me and I looked through her computer. What I found was deleted e-mails she had sent to some of her friends and to the guy she had slept with. Apparently she had e-mailed him, and he had e-mailed her, almost every day since that day they met, up until just a couple of days ago. She had written to her friends that the guy had flattered her and really made her feel special and wanted and that she wanted to go abroad to be with that guy again. Once again, it felt like she had put a knife through me and sliced me open.. I can't describe the pain I felt..

 

I thought about waiting with confronting her, asking her if she had told me everything, but decided to call her and tell her that I knew more than she had told me. Well, she confessed and we talked a long time. She said she couldn't understand how I could still talk to her, and that she had wanted to spare me the pain all along. She still didn't know what to do, and I said that I didn't know what to do either. I asked if she had regretted what she had done, and she said that she had regretted it because of the pain it had caused me, but not of the act itself.

 

Today, she called me and told me that she wanted to tell me her last secrets regarding her affair. She told me that she had been in contact with the guy, and talked on the phone with him for several hours after we had talked. She also told me that she hadn't told me the truth about what had happened when they had had sex. She told me that they had kissed, and that they had gone to his room to have sex, but that she had refused since she thought that it was wrong. She instead went back to her place and slept the night there. The next morning she had changed her mind and went back to him and had sex with him. So instead of something that had happened while she was drunk, it was something that had happened much more deliberately.

 

I know she did it because she feels that she wants to feel attractive. Her self esteem is really low, and I know she feels ugly and unwanted by other men. She also says that she feels like she wants to be immature and not grown-up, i.e. not to have any responsibilities to other people and such, but to just live life like every day's a party. She used to be different though.. before she went abroad we used to talk about getting engaged, and we talked about our future and she enjoyed more grown-up things like going to dinners with other couples, and not just the drinking alcohol and partying.

 

We also had a bit of a problem several years ago, when I got interested in another girl. But the difference then was that I broke up with my girlfriend because I didn't want to cheat on her. I also never got physical with that other girl - my interest just faded away, and I eventually got together with my girlfriend again. I know she was really hurt by this, and it took us a really long time to mend our relationship again, and for her to forgive me. After that we have been together for four years, and we've had a really good and loving relationship.. until now that is..

 

 

So this is where I stand at the moment. I still love her and I feel that my world would be so empty without her, and that I don't want to lose her. But still I feel absolutely horrible and disgusted over what she has done to me, and that it would be really hard for me to ever forgive her. I guess one of the reasons I feel I still want to be with her is that she forgave me when I had my (purely emotional) affair. She still hasn't decided if she wants me or not..

 

Thanks for reading. Do you have any advice on what I should do? Should I just dump her and go on with my life, or should I try to forgive her like she forgave me (although what she has done is far worse)? Any thoughts?

[DoorMouse]

I would walk away and see what life gives you. In the past you broke off the relationship prior to following another young lady. Your girlfriend now is deliberatly hurting you and she seems like she does't care, she shows that by all the lying she's doing to you. Let her find out what she's lost.

[Cecelius]

She is basically expressing to you that she is too young to be in an exclusive relationship, and she has revealed that she is basically not mature enough to be in such a relationship. She is still at an age where her interactions with men are primarily to boost her self-esteem (she is underlining it and making it clear to you).

 

Even without the cheating, she's basically laid it all out: she wants/needs more attention from more men. If she was a stronger person, she would have just dumped you. Instead she cheated on you (plus she didn't make it a secret from her friends).

 

All in, I'd say just dump her and get her out of your life. If you take her back, she will assume something is wrong with you (that you were weak in taking her back), and then she will eventually either cheat on you again or dump you.

[heloladies21]

Dude, pack up all her stuff, toss it in the trash, and never talk to her again. Don't believe any of her excuses, they're all lies. She just lost interest in you and didn't have the guts to tell you straight so she went behind your back. It's all her fault, put all the blame on her and be glad that you didn't get married to someone like this cause this side of her would've eventually come out.

[SanityFreeZone]

[atomic]

You poor guy, I really feel for you. I've been in exactly the same situation and it hurts like crap - and what's more, no amount of advise makes it any easier. The only thing that will heal it is time, and eventually someone else will come along.

 

Every subsequent person I've been with has been better than the last it's a terrible cliche but you will find someone else and someone that will treat you with respect and be honest with you.

 

What's almost as upsetting as what you're feeling is when you meet the next person that completely turns your life upside down and you wonder why you wasted your time before! Move on, it will be very difficult, but try and be strong about it and sever the contact between you.

[djedix]

Sucks doesnt it? Thinking everythings ok.... then it all comes crashing down... We'll i'll tell you what.. pick yourself up.. Dump this chick.. Get her outta your life... and move on... I think you know that thou... I just got that vibe reading your story. Go out and have fun, and do it all for you now...

 

I promise someone will take notice, and will want to be with you.

[aqua]

Thanks for the advice guys, it's nice to know somebody cares!

 

I basically told her that that I didn't want to make an effort anymore to save a relationship she didn't want anyway, and that she doesn't have to think about whether she wants me or not 'cause I don't care what she wants anymore..

If she really wants me then she'll have to show me that! I don't want to be the only one that cares about our relationship..

[DoorMouse]

Good for you love. Take care of yourself, and keep us posted

Be happy with yourself, and all will be right.