5 weeks now

[waylon]

My Ex and I have been broken up for 5 weeks now. We dated for 2 years on and off (I kept on dumping her). Then when she finished school we became more serious (I realised how important she was to me and got my act together) we moved in together, we lived together for a further two years. We where supposed to get married next year

 

Then in January she told me that she wants to move out because she wants to experience "the student life" (she's in varsity), initially I told her that we may as well break-up then because her moving out would just destroy the relationship. She begged me to reconsider, so since I loved her dearly I gave it a go... Then 5 weeks ago I notice that she's acting differently, so I confront her... She tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me and then breaks up with me..!

 

We still see each other every now and then (I always initiate), I really need to start taking this nc thing seriously!!!

 

The longest I have been able to go without talking to her is 4 days, she broke the nc, because she wanted me to do her a favour (its the only time she contacts me). I know she still loves me (she openly told me) but she has put all of these invisible barriers up so that I cant get too close... She's seeing another guy at the moment (at least I'm more attractive), according to her he's the rebound guy...

 

I find the whole situation so messed up, we were great together. Even her friends think we were the perfect couple. I hate that there's nothing I can do to change the situation and also that I don't have a real reason for the break-up...

 

Is it wrong for me to date her friends, I'm not doing it to spite her. I just want to go out with some girls at the moment to boost my ego a bit and most of the girls I know I met through her... She's knows that I've gone out with some of her friends already and doesn't seem to mind at all... In fact the other day she gave me some tips on what one of her friend likes and dislikes (I cant understand how she's coping so well).

 

With regard to nc...

 

1. Would dating her friends violate nc?

2. Since we lived together for 2 years its most likely that one of us will need to contact the other at some point i.e. There's something of hers at my place. Is this violating nc?

3. If she phones me at some point in need of a favour i.e. She's stranded at work and needs a lift home. Should I help her?

4. If I dated other girls would this in some way ruin my chances of getting her back?

[kellbell]

Beware, I am going to be blunt....Well, I can tell you right now, she is acting differently torward you because she is sleeping with someone else. She is acting like her sh!t don't stink now, she has some kind of power now. However, she is keeping you in the back burner because she is keeping her options open. Not cool!! Pretty darned messed up if you ask me. She can't have her cake and eat it too (yes, women try to pull this sh!t too). to answer your questions about NC....

 

1. Would dating her friends violate nc? Technically yes. Don't date her friends, you want more drama in your life, date them sleep with them.

 

 

2. Since we lived together for 2 years its most likely that one of us will need to contact the other at some point i.e. There's something of hers at my place. Is this violating nc? Send all her stuff via Fedex or UPS. Or pack it and leave it out where she can get it. Let her know it will be there for her. Don't make up excuses to see her.

 

3. If she phones me at some point in need of a favour i.e. She's stranded at work and needs a lift home. Should I help her? No, she was able to take care of herself before she knew you, she can take care of herself without you. Tell her to call the guy she's with now to help her. She's using you becasue she knows you will be there at her beck and call.

 

4. If I dated other girls would this in some way ruin my chances of getting her back? Why oh why, do people do this or even think to? Date others because you want to, not to make her jealous. You be stopping to her level by using others to make others jealous.

 

Bascially she is saying I am not really into you but I know you will there when I need something from you. Your ego is going to continue getting damaged if you stay in the likes with this girl. I would not contact her, go out and have fun, and date other women because you want to and deserve it. I wish you all the best and take care.

 

[alphonsefa]

I know she still loves me (she openly told me) but she has put all of these invisible barriers up so that I cant get too close... She's seeing another guy at the moment (at least I'm more attractive), according to her he's the rebound guy...

 

From an outsiders perspective, she's using you, keeping you as a backup plan. How much does she love you if she's making time for him and not you?! I know bud, I've been down this long road myself. Stay away from her, let her experience life without you. But that doesn't mean to be at her beckon call anytime she calls you for something. Don't return her calls! Don't let her turn you into a friend, because that will absolutely kill any chance you have of getting back with her. I know you want to keep the lines of communtication open, but if you do, it will have the opposite effect of what you want. Damn dude, think about how cold she is acting towards you. She knows you care about her, and yet she's dating another guy. Don't believe the rebound part at all. I think for some reason she thinks that is supposed to make you feel better. I had a girl like this who would pull me in and then run, pull me in and then run, over and over. The only time I got her attention is when I wasn't in her life, and I mean at all! Good luck!

[Anonymous81]

Waylon, LISTEN TO WHAT THESE TWO HAVE JUST SAID. I am going down the same road...everything that they said is 100% true. Believe me. I was going to reply back but this past responses are exactly what i was going to tell you..

 

PLEASE LISTEN. This stuff they speak is the TRUTH!!

[heloladies21]

Once there's a new guy involved, it's a done deal. No way you're going to get back together with her now. Dating her friends is fine, but No Contact means no communication of any kind. Round up all of her stuff, put it in a box, and give it back to her/toss it out(if it's not valuable). Anything she has of yours is replaceable. The only way you're going to get over her for real is if you are completely strict about NC, no excuses.

 

And stop doing favors for her. You're not her butler, or handy man, or personal cab driver.

[waylon]

The thing that I'm really struggling to cope with is that I was her first, every time the thought of her with someone else goes through my mind I feel sick!

 

In the two years we stayed together I really tried my best to give her everything she wanted (my friends tell me I gave too much). I got us a place in a really upmarket area, gave her a car and a credit card.

 

She never wanted to hang out with me at my regular hangouts. She said that that they're too snobbish and that the drinks were way too expensive so none of her friends could join...

 

I always had to go with her to the student hangouts. Now to make matters worse she's hanging out with this new guy in my hangouts so that everyone I know can see this new guy, it pisses me off!

[waylon]

Anyway went on a date last night, sucks though its easy for me to get girls to out with me but for some reason I cant get passed the first date. I want what I had and don't seem to be able to do the whole dating thing at the moment, I'm too impatient...

 

The ex sent me an sms during the date asking what I'm up too... I replied this morning and told her that the only way I'm going to get over her is if she stops talking to me.

 

I hate that she did this to me, looking at the other posts its really easy to see a pattern... Think I'm still in denial though, I need to start accepting reality!

 

I'm really struggling with being alone at the moment, I hate being at home. Since the break-up I've been out just about every night. The second week of the break-up I took a week off from work and went to the coast.

 

Have already made plans for tonight, haven't made any plans for the remainder of the week though (I'm going to go insane). Sundays are the worst for me, if there is any possibility of breaking nc I think it would be on a Sunday.

[alphonsefa]

Hey bud, I feel your pain all too well. How'd you like to have the love of your life, the girl you've waited years to meet, who you just seemed to click with, who you brought out of the depths of pessimism and depression and showed her a life she always dreamed of; suddenly do a 180 degree turn on you and go back to an Ex that abused her and made her life an absolute living hell. The excuse she gave me at the time for making such an unbelievably sick choice was, "when I saw all the things with you, that I worked so hard for with him. No matter who I would be with, I know I had to try with him again". The "all the things" that she was referring to were marriage, a baby, and a house. I wrote to her when this was happening and told her, "you used me". She took my dreams, they just weren't her dreams, they were equally shared; and she gave them away to a guy that has hurt her in ways you couldn't imagine for 6 years! It ripped my heart out and shook me to my core; never have I mis-judged someone so badly. I am usually phenomenal at sizing people up and their motivations, but with her I was blinded; or maybe I just let my heart over rule the logic of my head. This is what you are doing; you can't see the obvious because you have such an emotional connection. That is why this forum is so great, because others who aren't attached can see another's situation for what it is.

 

As far as getting ill, I know that feeling. The thought of my Ex having a baby with a dirt ball that abused her, made me ill to no end! But I did get my revenge! It was nothing I did to her directly, it was just how I conducted myself. I told her that the dynamics of her relationship with him have forever changed, that she is in for a surprise, that she will now compare me to him whether she wants to or not, in all aspects of her relationship; and that he can never be me. She's ran back to him twice during our breaks, the one lasted 2 days and the other time lasted 2 weeks. She can't keep it together with him, because things she loved and took for granted with me, he either can't or won't give to her. He has become more of a disappointment in her eyes than he ever was because now she has a frame of reference that she destroyed, soley herself. She will never, and can never get the things from him that we were planning on, and she has forever ruined this relationship. She has come back 3 times now, but honestly it could never get back on track because she took the things that are so precious in a relationship, honesty and trust, and she forever crushed them. Game over at that point.

 

So though I'll be unhappy in the short term, and I am! I will win out in the end because I have way too much going for me. It's this fact that was such an ego blow to me. I'm an attractive guy who has done things in his life that some people only dream of. I judge people not on their past, but on the present and how they treat me. As much of a troubled past as she had, and she had a boat load of issues, I never held any of it against her; I loved her uncondotionally but I never got that in return from her. But like I said, life is funny. Though it hurts, I can live with what happened because I was myself in the relationship, and treated her better than any man ever has (her words not mine). In time I wonder if she will be able to live with it, because she had everything she wanted at her feet and she threw it away. I know she still thinks about it because I got a phone call 3 months after our third break up to just see how I was doing. This from a girl who told me she'd never call me again, after I told her to go away and never call me again. So just believe in yourself, and take comfort in knowing that she will never find anyone who is going to treat her as well as you have. The irony is that she will always compare you to whoever she is with, and sometimes a memory, or a ghost mind you, is an impossible thing to compete with. You will haunt her, whether you realize it or not. She will not forget you if you "completely cut her off". Good luck!

[waylon]

Thanks for the reply!

 

You're right of course.

 

I come from a background were my parents divorced shortly after I finished school. My father is an alcoholic and would always be out drinking with he's friends (when he wasn't cheating on my mother).

 

I always felt that as long as I wasn't like my father I'd be ok...

 

Boy was I wrong, I ended up in a relationship where it was me alone at home while my partner was out doing who's knows what. I never cheated on my girlfriend or even thought about it, judging by how quickly she got a new man in her life it seems she wasn't honest at all about the break-up.

 

What does "I love you but I'm not in love with you" mean anyway???

 

 

I'm starting to realise that as hard as I try I cant control every aspect of my life, especially when there are other people involved! I'm very disappointed in human-nature at the moment.

[Anonymous81]

I can not believe how identical our situations are. My relationship was 2 yrs, I am 24, and my girl is still in school wanting to finish up her senior year with a bang. We came to realize that with all these distractions there is no way that she will ever give our relationship the chance that it needs. We decided to completely cut it off...No more staying the night with each other, the sex can not happen anymore, but she wants to be buddies and hang out all the time...

 

Oh, and by the way, the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" means that she still cares so much for you, but the passion is gone...some where down the road your relationship become more comfortable than compassionate.

 

The same damn thing happens to me regarding your date situation. It is not hard to get the dates, but just to keep interest. It is so hard not to compare, especially if the break up was not your choice initially. Brother, the only thing that heals is time...but DO NOT fall into a rut. Its hard, but this is a life lesson that you will take with you for the rest of your life. Grow stronger because of it...Believe me. After a 5 month break up from a 2 1/2 yr relationship, i took her back, and it was not the right time. Do your own thing!! If you want to see my post and see how similare our situations are read "Is it possible to get back together after a break up?"

 

You have always heard that you should listen with your heart when dealing with relationships...but not with this...we have been given the gift of logic...use it. I feel your pain...GOOD LUCK!

[Anonymous81]

Oh, one thing that i failed to mention...about my buddies comment...if there is a time that you feel no emotional connection then, the buddy thing may be able to happen...and who knows...sometime down the road something may come back up, but you can not rely on that. You should respect yourself more than anyone else.

[waylon]

I don't know if nc is going to work for me, I hate hiding from my problems and that is what nc feels like.

 

The following seems like a better solution to me. Tell her its fine we can be friends but I don't want to hear about her love life and she shouldn't ask me about mine. I'm sick of feeling like an emotional wreck, I've always been a more logical and practical person (she was the emotional one).

 

I feel that if by some chance I get her back (I'm not going to wait around for it) it would be because I was my normal emotionally independent self. She was attracted to me because I was successful and driven. I used to be so focused on my career and then at some point my focus shifted to us alone, it reached the point where my job was just something that I had to do to make money. I'm not going to get anywhere by hiding away and crying.

 

I want my old self back, with or without her.

[Anonymous81]

I think you misunderstood me...by cutting it off completely, i meant the relationship not the contact. I will probably talk to her just as much as i did before, but everything else can not happen if we are going to clear our minds and be able to move in a forward direction. You are doing exactly what you need to keep it up. And yes, you did the same thing as i did. You lost your identity in the relationship, and now you are getting it back slowly buy surely.

[waylon]

Sorry man, I was acctually just putting some of my thoughts accross... Thanks for the advice.

[waylon]

Think I was pretty much being over optimistic in my post above...

 

One cant just pick up the pieces immediately and move on after being kicked in the teeth by someone they truly love.

 

You know how woman are always going on about what jerks guys are... I'm starting to think that they're the ones that have actually turned the guys into the jerks.

 

When I met my ex I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world, I was pretty much a player who didn't care about anyone else's emotions... When I was like that she couldn't get enough of me.

 

Then I fell in love with her and completely changed my life around... What happens she dumps me, not just that I'm starting to realise girls don't want to date nice guys. They're looking for a challenge!

 

The harsh reality seems to be "nice guys finish last"...

[Anonymous81]

Waylon, I am serious when i say this...We are two pees in a pod. I used to be the same way, but when you finally find true love for the first time, you change your ways. During school, i did it all...President of my fraternity and the Interfraternity council...I was actually my ex girlfriends Orientation Leader. In the beginning, i gave her a little bit of me, but never gave it all...a little bit of cat and mouse...playing hard to get. That is what they want...they love the challenge.

 

But what is hard is after 2 yrs and being 24 yrs old, the games get old...Why should we have to play this game after a 2 yr relationship...Man, if you can figure women out, please quit your day job, and write a novel...you would be a millionaire.

[waylon]

I feel the same, I'm not really interested in becoming what I was before. I don't want to toy with peoples emotions.

 

The way things are going at the moment though it doesn't seem as if woman want a nice guy, I find this seriously messed up.

 

Yes you're right we do sound very similar. It would be cool if you were from South Africa, then we could go out have a few drinks and trash our ex's.

 

I think most of my mates have had enough about hearing about my problems... If I don't attain some sort of emotional stability soon I don't think I'm going to have many friends left!

[waylon]

btw

 

My Ex was a waitress that served shooters to me at a restaurant.

 

Took one look at her, slid a packet of sugar accross the table and said "write your number on here"...

[Anonymous81]

Waylon,

 

Seriously dawg...your friends are there to keep your mind occupied. Let them help you have a good time. They will always be there for you, woman wont...Thats where you get the term "bros before hoes". Its not the fact that they dont want a nice guy...they want to marry a nice guy, bu play around with the others b/c they are a challenge. Challenges make live interesting...The just wants a little excitement right now...She will realize it some time or another...and maybe it will be too late. Go out have fun with the guys...they will keep your mind occupied...but the only remedy for a broken heart is TIME...and i mean that.

 

Aight, i got a funny story for ya. The first night i got my ex to come home with me...we were at our annual homecoming party at my fraternity house, and we were talking and we just had our first kiss. This is after a decent amount of alcohol intake. I asked her to go to lunch the next day, but she said that her parents were in town. But she wanted me to meet them b/c she had told them about her "hot orentiation leader" and she wanted them to meet me. I said "that sounds like a good idea, but i am worried that i will not get up in time...Hey, i have an idea, why dont you come home with me to make sure we both get up on time"...and she fell for it...Sucka...but that was the beginning of a great 2 1/2 yr relationship, that may not make it all the way.

 

Waylon, DO NOT FALL IN A RUT. The more you let this bother you the deeper you are going to get, and the harder it will be to get out...I am telling you all this from experience...RECENT EXPERIENCE...Lets climb out of this together. Hey man, i am at the top climbing my way out...listen to my words for they are a helping hand out of the trenches...Live life for you bro.

[waylon]

Well this is weird...

 

My sister left her boyfriend yesterday for her Ex. So what happens the latest ex-boyfriend phones my mom and asks where my sister is.... So my mom tells him she staying with me until she gets her mind sorted out (doesn't want to tell him that she's with the ex)...

 

Of course the next thing that happens is that the latest dumped boyfriend starts phoning me and texting me this morning... Trying to find out where I stay and wanting to talk to my sister (I live in another city).

 

This may be somewhat of a generalization but I seriously don't think girls that are 21 should even consider dating people. They just don't know what they want...

 

This situation has really opened my eyes. I see what this guy is doing and it reminds me of how desperate I was to get my ex back. How could I ever have thought this tactic would work!

[Anonymous81]

That is hilarious...See, on the outside looking in, it appears differnt...that is how you may need to look at things...Now you have a perspective of how she may view your tactics...I think this may have been a blessing in disguise.

 

Did I mention the fact my girl was 21 TOO! This is so true. They should be banned from the dating pool. My theory on 21 yr olds is that they finally think that they are a lady, and they start analyzing life. They finally realize that they are the ones that are resposible for their own destiny. This means that they want to be independent from all other distractions (IE Current Boyfriends).

 

Mine tried to tell me that she wants to hang out this weekend, while she has been with the most recent for the past three nights...She must be stupid if she thinks she can force me to believe that this is OK...Well, good luck to you sir.