My sad story

[TrooperMojo]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share my whole story. Maybe it'll resonate with a few people or maybe someone will have some advice for me. Either way, I think it's theraputic to go over the whole thing at once like this.

 

This all started last year when I first met Kim. We met on an internet discussion forum run by our university. We talked via this discussion group for months until finally everyone involved decided to meet face to face. There I met her for the first time and at the time, I wasn't really looking for a girlfriend, nor was I blown away by her looks, but the fact that she had some things in common with me made us friends for the next little while. She had a boyfriend when I met her but I found out that not long after she broke up with him and the next day she was going out with another guy. This other guy was apparently an ex-boyfriend of hers from before. I didn't matter to me at the time though so I didn't think much of it.

That summer we talked a lot over ICQ and I found out she actually had quite a lot in common with me and as the months went by, I came to realize that Kim was exactly what I wanted in a girlfriend... but I didn't realize this until after her current boyfriend decided to propose. Kim said yes and I was shocked. I never told her how I felt until we got back to school and I was able to see her again. One night early in September I told her everything and how I felt. She said that it wasn't going to happen.. she was engaged afterall. Still, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to give up that easily. I figured I had nothing to lose by persisting, the worst that could happen was that she didn't change her mind and I was still single. Big deal right?

Well, weeks and weeks went by and every night me and Kim would spend hours and hours together, just laying around and watching TV or going out to the pub or playing pool. I kept telling her that I was falling for her and she kept telling me that she was really flattered but she was still engaged. I didn't care and she didn't seem to mind the attention so we kept spending most of our time together. The guy she was dating lived far away so it was no problem to just spend a whole week with Kim and she'd go away for a weekend, or her bf would visit and I'd back off. It was all very secretive even though we weren't really "doing" anything but being friends. Weeks and weeks went by like this and Kim kept confiding in me how much of a jerk her fiance was and how great I was so I finally had to ask her to leave this guy and be with me. She still said no and then I told her I couldn't do this forever so she had to tell me to give up if that's what she wanted. She said that she didn't want me to give up.. so I didn't.

Eventually, instead of just laying and watching TV we would embrace one another while we watched. I would sneak an occasional kiss at the end of the night and even managed to get her to stay the night on occasion. Still, she never "technically" cheated on her fiance.. but it was obvious she was planning on leaving him for me.

In December my dream came true and Kim left him. I was on top of the world because I finally had a girlfriend who was also my best friend. We had all the same likes and dislikes and enjoyed the same activities. I was in paradise.

Kim and I stayed together for the next 5 months.. and while it wasn't always perfect harmony, we were always together and couldn't bare to be apart for more than a day. One night, my friend told me that Kim's ex fiance had visited her that past weekend. When I snooped a little more I found out that Kim had been talking to him for awhile behind my back. When I asked her about it, she confessed that she was keeping it a secret because she was afraid of how I would react, but said they were only trying to be friends. She was very distraught about the whole thing and broke up with me that night only to call me back about an hour later to get back together. I'm not sure if that even technically counts but whatever.

I explained to her that my trust was quite bruised but it was nothing that couldn't be fixed I thought. She agreed but everything still seemed weird to me. I was suspicious so that night, when, for the first time EVER, she asked me to leave her apartment so she could read by herself. On my walk home, I used a campus computer to go on ICQ and saw her online. I told her things looked fishy and she accused me of being crazy. I told her we should take a break and she agreed. Two days later she sent me an email breaking up with me.

After that, I was confused and angry. Despite her assurance I couldn't shake the feeling that her ex was involved in this somehow so (yes, I know this is REALLY wrong by the way) over the next week I monitored her email account until the day she got an email from her ex. I read it and it was pretty clear they were back together. It was all very obvious now: She had been setting up her ex as the safety net to move on past me. I was furious so I said some pretty hurtful thing over email and to her face and didn't talk to her for close to 2 weeks.

She emailed me wishing we could be civil with one another and I agreed we should be friends. I had had time to cool off and thought I could move on, but I was wrong and went through a whole gambit of emotions, each time sending a completely different email. From angry and hateful, to loving and pleading for a second chance. Over the past month or so, I've been going through the typical broken heart syndrome and unfortunately, handled it all wrong and drove Kim further away from me.

 

Right now, I am just barely starting to get away from the emotional turmoil I was in but it still hits me sometimes that the one girl I was so in love with and had so much in common with is gone now. I don't think I'll ever find anyone who can offer the same commonalities and really, really, REALLY want Kim back. I'm forgetting what she did to me and how angry and hurt I was and now I'm scared to death that I'll never find anyone else. I think about her constantly and am constantly trying to fight the urge to visit her, call her or send her another email because everything I do now just comes off as obsessive or scary to her. I don't want to keep pushing her away so I've decided to do absolutely nothing. Hopefully if she still thinks of me as worthy of her time, she'll contact me first.

 

I'm still in love with her despite what she's done. I'd still take her back in a split second and I can't let her go. Even though she's probably with the person she loves, I can't move on. I want to keep trying to win her back, just like I did last year when she was engaged. I loved her so much and was so happy and felt so unbelievably lucky to be with her.. now I feel like I've lost everything and find myself alone... sharing my problems with the whole world.

 

Well that's my story. Hopefully this does some good. I think I feel a little better. I'm interested to hear what all of you have to say too.

 

Later,

MOJO

[S4il]

Two words (Reciprocal Love) if its not there then don't waste your time, move on. made this Short and sweet for a reason. that because your dwelling on this. in your mind your thinking that "oh if i don't send her these love/hate letters shes going to think I'm not interested." she knows your around its obvious, for the simple fact she hasn't contacted you Proubly cause of your obsessive mentality. Lighten up the Constant E-mailing, and or visits in what ever way your doing. you got her all twisted up inside emotionally. Think about what your doing to HER, and HER relationship. your only being stubborn. true love man, thats all i can tell you.

[segagirl]

well i am glad you feel better by spilling. But man you even scared me a little. Can you say.... violation ....on so many levels! Leave the girl alone, stop using the words "i can't get over her" and learn about healthy love.

[crookster_man]

Mojo, you sound very disturbed about this situation. You need to sit down and look at this situation objectively. You have turned this situation into an all or nothing massive scaled event. Is it really worth this much attention? Will you perish if you aren't with her? Is your life going to be a complete and utter failure forever lost adrift in sadness and despair because your sweetheart turned out to be the girl you knew she was? Look how your relationship started and ended... look failure? She never changed...

 

However, she is not the problem. You are, yes you. You sound very desperate and scared. You are making statements that are huge red flags. This doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you're "Messed" in the head. It means that you have suffered extreme emotional trauma and are not properly equipped to deal with the situation. This is why you need to contact a school counselor or therapist. They can teach you copping strategies to help you grow from this experience.

 

You could sit in your room and brood over this girl or you could gather your wits and develop and grow from this experience. The choice is yours. Tell yourself "I deserve to be treated with respect" "I am treated with respect!" Other cannot respect you until you respect yourself. Rise up and get some help. Don't feel that you are being stupid for feeling sad or needing help. If she had died, people would be telling you to get professional help. Why not if she left you? The death of a relationship is as real as the death of a person... except in one regard, there is no final closure in a break-up because the person is still out there. So learn how to create your own closure and cope with pain.

 

Trust me you will be a far better person one you do this and you will attract an equally developed person. Start your healing today. She is gone. Good luck.

[TrooperMojo]

Hi!

I appreciate the advice/help etc but I was just wondering what exactly about my story makes you all think I need professional help? As far as I knew being unwilling to let go for a few weeks after a break up with someone you loved was "normal" (whatever that is). There are quite a lot of people posting on here and almost every song is about this exact same thing. I didn't think it was uncommon enough to warrent councilling.

 

And no, I'm not taking that suggestion as an offence or anything. This is why I came on this site in the first place... to get honest unbiassed opinions. I'm just genuinely worried that I'm coming off as crazy to everyone and if so, why??

 

MOJO

[crookster_man]

Mojo, I don't think your crazy, so relax. I merely said that I fear you lack good copping skills to deal with this situation in a manner that will allow you to heal and grow from it. No situation should ever leave you jaded or mistrusting of other people. When you look back on this time in your life you should have good memories and felt that you have learned valuable lessons. From what you said, I fear that you will not have that experience.

 

There is nothing wrong with feeling upset or frustrated about a situation. In fact, if you didn't then you never really cared about her. So that's good to feel upset. But, like I said, I feel that you might be blowing the importance of this situation out of proportion. I will quote you on a couple things that jumped out…

 

"She emailed me wishing we could be civil with one another and I agreed we should be friends. I had had time to cool off and thought I could move on, but I was wrong and went through a whole gambit of emotions, each time sending a completely different email. From angry and hateful, to loving and pleading for a second chance. Over the past month or so, I've been going through the typical broken heart syndrome and unfortunately, handled it all wrong and drove Kim further away from me."

 

Right here you say yourself that you acted incorrectly. In the heat of passion you made some bad choices. That's understandable; you realized that this drove her further away…

 

"I don't think I'll ever find anyone who can offer the same commonalities and really, really, REALLY want Kim back"

 

Then you go on to say that even though she played and screwed you over, you would forgive her and take her back…

 

"I'd still take her back in a split second and I can't let her go… I can't move on. I loved her so much and was so happy and felt so unbelievably lucky to be with her.. now I feel like I've lost everything and find myself alone... sharing my problems with the whole world."

 

You say here that you feel like you have lost yourself. Well why do you define yourself through someone else's actions? I don't know you; I don't know your situation. From what I've read I merely made a suggestion that you inquire into some good strategies to improve your place in life. If you feel that you are capable of handling this situation on your own, that's great. I suggest you at least buy a book or read some internet articles on dealing with and moving on from a bad break up. They give out great tips even on this site.

 

The best thing to do is move forward and keep your mind focused on yourself. Build yourself back up. She is obviously not the "one". Honestly, you will look back on this situation and laugh one day. I promise you that, but only if you take the positive and try to heal. Feel upset and feel cheated. That's okay, but don't dwell on the negative feelings. And for God sakes stay away from her for at least 1 month, that's no email, msn, phone or anything. If you are forced to be in her presense be civil and quick. Don't stick around. After a month of doing this, look back on your feelings and see where you sit. Trust me you will have a whole new perspective.

 

Anyways, I had no intention of offending you. We've all suffered from a failed relationship. I went through 2 bad break-ups until I finally learned how to properly cope. My life has changed in ways I can't even imagine. Smile more, think positive, and don't worry if you slip here and there… life's about learning. Good luck with everything… man I write long posts ;o)

[TrooperMojo]

Hey,

Like I said, I didn't take offence to anything you said. I do seek honest opinions, no matter what they are.

 

I've posted elsewhere about my more recent feelings and I'm actually starting to get past all this. I wish I hadn't done ANYTHING while I was going through the stages of grief but I can't take that back now. I haven't heard anything from her in about a week now. I'm still tempted to email her, if for nothing else but to apologize for everything one last time, but I've done it before and then wrote another angry email so she won't believe me. But now I realize that if Kim wants to hear from me, she has ample opportunity. She knows me email, ICQ, phone, etc. She knows where and when I work and live. The fact that she knows all this and hasn't talked to me in such a long time is a pretty clear indicator that she does not want to hear from me.

 

I've also realized that I can't make her want to get back together. I thought back to when my persistence paid off and she broke up with her fiance to be with me and realized that it wasn't ME that made her break up with him.. it was HER choice. Yes, I certainly did my part, but in the end it was up to her and I somehow lost sight of that. I know now that I can do absolutely nothing to get her back and that if she wants to get back together, she'll act accordingly.

 

This whole thing was pretty traumatic. I am trying to deal with things in a good way but it's hard, especially when she IS exactly what I've always wanted in a girl. She may not be the "one" in the sense that it didn't work, but she is still exactly what I wanted and I can only hope that I'll find another girl with so much in common with me in the future. There may be more fish in the sea, but I feel like Captain Ahab and there's only one white whale in the sea.

 

Thanks again.. and don't worry, I'm not being offended by anything.

MOJO

[crookster_man]

I've read a couple of your other posts. I can see that your doing better. I liked your comment about Capt. Ahab; you do remember the moral of the story? In the end his desires destroyed him and his ship, don't forget that.

I'm glad you've made some progress, this web site is very therapeutic, I agree. It's helped me by talking with other people about their situations, it put perspective on mine.

 

One last thing, as much as you feel she was perfect for you... remember she did play you and just string you along while she set up the other guy. Is that really the perfect girl for you? I'm sure you shared many similar interests but people change and can grow together or apart. You will find a girl that you connect with really well. I can pretty much guarantee this.

 

As for writing her a letter of forgiveness (that really what you want to do, because she really hurt you, at least that what I think) you should set a time to write and send it a month or more from now. Don't plan what you are going to say just plan to write it. When the time comes if it still feels like a good idea then I say go for it. That's why I did, it allowed me time to gather my thoughts and honestly forgive, which in the end made me a far better person. But hey, that's me.

[TrooperMojo]

Crookster_man, you are wise beyond your years... of course I have no idea how old you really are, but your advice to me and to Chocos on the "how to let go?" topic are really great and much appreciated.

 

Your point about growth was pretty cool. I'd never considered the fact that my ex has never been single since high school. I kind of glossed over this in my original post but when I met her she was dating a guy we'll call "R" to keep this somewhat anonymous. Like I said in my first post, she broke up with him and within two days she was back out with someone else (N). I didn't find this out until later but it turns out that even while she was still going out with R she would talk to N a lot more and if the 3 of them were ever together, she would talk to and spend more time with N than R. When her and R broke up, R was only under the impression that they were fighting and it wasn't until the end of that weekend when she was back with N that R knew they were broken up.

Then of course, what she did to N was the same thing. When I was courting her, she would spend more time with me and talk to me more than N and on one occasion the 3 of us went out and she spent all the time with me and ignored him. Not knowing about the whole previous thing, I thought it was romantic. And now, she's done it again, this time to me to go back out with N.

 

While I definitely hate the fact that she gets to sleep with someone, hear them say they love her and didn't have to go through a single bit of the pain I did, I am trying to take anything positive I can out of this experience. Now that I'm starting to move on, I'm that much stronger and wiser. This is a horrible thought but if I go through this again, I'll know there's light at the end of the tunnel and be prepared. I'll probably handle it a lot better too! And I'll know about this place to help get me through it!!

 

Of course the flip side of acceptance, besides growing and learning and taking something positive from it is to get bitter and hateful. I could focus on what she did to me (and to others) but I think that would only make me hate her. She may have hurt me but people make mistakes so I don't think I'm going to give up on thinking of her as perfect because she was despite the pain she caused me now. I'll probably never find anyone with as much in common with me but even if there's only one thing in common and it's an important one then I'll probably consider it of equal value.

 

Alright... well I just wanted to thank you again and vent some more! Keep it coming!

 

MOJO

[crookster_man]

Just to let you know I'm 22, most of my friends come to me with relationship issues, plus I've experienced some rather messed up situations. I've also spent some time studying the psychology of relationships and I have read numerous books on coping with life's little challenges. But enough of my credentials ;o) I appreciate that my words have had a positive effect on you. In the past few days I can really see that you have taken a better stance on things.

 

You're starting to see the situation as it really is, not the monstrous life ending problem that you first saw it as. I really don't think she is "perfect" she sounds like she has a lot of flaws when it comes to integrity and respect, but then I don't really know her more then what you have said.

 

I honestly believe that you will find a woman some day that is better then her. If you really learn and grow from this experience, then your next relationship can only be better. Upwards and onwards I always say. If you still want to believe that she is perfect, then give it time. If it was really meant to be, it will be. Right now though, there is too much hurt feelings and too much regret to really start fresh.

 

I believe that once a relationship fails it's pretty much over, as in, no chances to get back together (though I am guilty of this). The only way to really try it a second time is to have enough time to get over her and move on. Then you can start fresh again, otherwise baggage from the past will follow you everywhere.

 

I liked what you said about acceptance, the flip side to it is be bitter and wallow in self pity. That's very true. Knowing that is ½ the battle. I'll leave you with a quote I read somewhere; I think you will like it.

 

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."

[TrooperMojo]

Hey! I haven't been here for awhile so hopefully people out there are still paying attention. I have an update on my situation and would like some advice/input.

 

So I haven't seen Kim nor emailed/called her for about 2 weeks. No contact whatsoever, not even a chance encounter in this small town. Like I said in my other post here, I figured that if she wanted me to be any part of her life or wanted to see or talk to me she's got lots of opportunity to do so. Plus, it would be a good demonstration to her that I'm getting better by not hounding her or spilling my emotions on her (kind of like what I'm doing here with you guys! hahaha!).

Anyway, so yesterday I'm sitting here at work and who should I see at my office door? That's right... Kim. I was shocked but I was so happy to see her. The last time we actually saw each other face to face and said anything was the day I found that email from her exboyfriend and told her I hated her. I wanted more than anything to not make that the last time we saw each other so I was grateful she had come to visit me. Even though it really hurt not being able to give her a big kiss or hug and it was just plain torture trying to make small talk, I got to say that I was sorry for my actions over the past couple months and that I regretted everything I did to her, her boyfriend and even all my other friends while I was going through that emotional turmoil. I definitely made everyone else miserable for awhile. After that though, I tried my hardest not to talk about "us" and just talk about random things... but I couldn't help it and everything seemed to lead into a compliment or an "I miss you".

She seemed ok with it all though. I told her I was getting better. She said she felt like a dick but I said that I was taking all the blame for our failed relationship and that's why I didn't think she was a dick. She said she was leaving with her bf to Ontario in August and it felt as though someone hit me with a three wood in my stomach. I told her I was going to miss her. She said that I looked upset the whole time I was there and gave me a hug. I told her I was getting back to normal but all the stuff I said about wanting to get back together still applied.

So it looks now like we're going to try to be friends. Probably not best friends like we were before but probably just casual well-wishers. I don't know if I can handle being any kind of friend to be honest. It's really hard to be friends with someone you want to do everything you can to get back. Has anyone else out there got a similar predicament or story? Is it possible to be friends with someone you've loved? I want to try because we were really good friends before we went out.. but at the same time I'm probably only doing it on the off chance she could wind up missing me if we're getting along well as friends.

Anyway... I gotta go now. Hopefully someone out there can give me some advice about being friends with an ex for which you still have feelings.

 

Thanks,

MOJO