need some hope from somewhere / hate the silence

[scorchio]

has anyone got any stories of getting back together after a while,

give me some hope P L E A S E

 

been split now for over 4months

 

Ive been doing N/C for 3 1/2 months

hurting like hell, a void of silence, nothing when we used to never stop talking about anything!!!

 

weird how it all works out

 

 

getting stronger day by day, still a mind full of ex and what is she doing, is she thinking about me etc etc etc

 

OBVIOUSLY at mo would love that text or phone call from my ex out of blue..................................

I must stop looking at my mobile, it never rings .............................

 

but some hope would be nice

 

any advice or anything,

does the dumper still suffer inside the same time span that we do, does the dumper grow weaker as we grow stronger ????????????????????????????????????

 

 

Thanks anyone

[arwen]

Hey scorchio,

 

I think the more you grow stronger, the less it will matter to you where she is, if she is unhappy or happy, etc. Part of the growth that we need after a break up is rebuilding an independent emotional life. I think in a relationship, part of your emotional wellbeing easily becomes dependent on the person you are with. As a consequence, you need to sort of separate your feelings and the feeling you think she might be having right now.

 

I am sorry if I am not telling you what you want to hear. Yes, I did went back with an ex even twice, but it really didn't work out. I am sure there are cases where it does work out. But as long as you are still doing NC, and she is not showing any sign of wanting a reconciliation, I wouldn't focus on a future with her. Focus on you, where you want to go in life. I know it's hard to pick up the pieces and move on. I have been there, and I promise you, you WILL have that day that you realize you are starting to feel better.

 

Ilse.

[FCTex]

I'm watching and waiting too my friend..

 

I want to get back with my ex. We used to talk or see each other everyday just about.. And my mobile phone was important in our relationship.. I dont get a text or a phone call, and it's been 2 weeks since our break up.. I want her back, and I think about her all the time..

 

However, we've had some contact in person, not very good, but not bad, and a few texts. We went about a week with NC really, and she finally texted me on Saturday.. Telling me she loves me, and that I'm her best friend, and that she can't stop loving me and want to be my friend, and how she can't lose me from her life, and how I'm an amazing guy, and that she's sorry she hurt me..

 

Let me tell you what. Not only did this give me more hope of getting back together.. It also hurt me and set me back. I want her worse now. I have more hope of getting things back to our relationship, and working on new things... I also feel weaker about holding NC. I want to continue doing it, but it's even harder now, I feel like I can't lose her and that she's really wanting to reach to me....

 

I'd just let it be.. It's a double edged sword... And I'm cutting my throat on both sides..

[scorchio]

I read alot of posts where most people are doing N/C etc.

 

but they have the odd contact with ex even if its a passing glance somewhere

I dont even get that, it has been silence since the day we split.....

 

split 4months N/C 3 1/2 months

 

cant help but think that must hurt her deep down and will come to a head some day, surely thats human nature !!!!!! the fact that she's doing her hardest not to have any contact, that must weaken somewhere !!!!!!

we the dumpees weaken !!!! so should the dumpers

 

I know its easy to cling on to hope like that, im not silly, i am realistic as well,

but surely there must be some sort of truth in what i am saying, im trying to have faith in human nature he! he!

 

a question,

surely by people (the dumpers) being silent since the beginning of the break up, being stubborn etc, they are not getting closure and that must manafest itself in them deep down eventually,

[Royltnxile]

Scorchio,

 

I would advise that you do whatever it takes to let her go. You need to do this for your own sake. I can see by your posts that this is absolutely draining you and you don't need that. You have done well at no contact, keep it up. I wonder about the same things with my ex, been 6 months now since the break...been 3 months since I have sent her anything in the mail. I have blown off 2 phone calls back in late May/early June where she didnt leave messages. Yes, I still have some hope that she will come back to me for a second try, but in the meantime I am dating other women and having a great and fun summer...and that's the key to what you need to do....you need to let it go and focus on yourself in the meantime. Get out and have fun, try and let go. Letting go is the first step to bringing her back. Sounds weird, but it's true.

 

You asked about a lack of closure on her part? This could be true as well. I think it is true in my case. We haven't seen each other face to face since the day before the break....she did it over the phone!...we have never had the big "face to face" meeting, even though I indicated to her at time of break up that I wanted one....I never pushed it...and she never granted it, despite wanting to come see me at the bar I work at the night of her birthday 2 weeks after the break up...she was alone....I shied her away from that, no way she was going to just drop in and have a drink at my bar, with my friends, 2weeks after breaking my heart on Valentines Day in the manner she did. She knew that I was working and wouldn't be able to have a true conversation with her.

 

Lately, I've been thinking about sending her a card to remind her that I care about her. I'm still torn between doing that, or keeping NC.

 

These things take time Scorchio. I can't say that she will be back to you for sure, but if she is, it's only going to be after alot of time. That's why you have to let it go!

[Bounder]

I echo Roylt....my ex also gave me the phone call break up. The only time I saw her since then was at a job interview and at a party, neither time did we make eye contact....in fact, in contrast, at the party I made contact of a different kind with someone else. It used to tear me up that i never got the proper face to face talk about breaking up, but I have had that too and it doesnt make you feel any better in the long run....ou still feel slammed and shocked and totally unprepared and keep wanting a rerun so you can better understand and listen to her reasons. But it will never be enough, we can never understand.

 

Maybe that's a good thing, means we love ourselves enough to realize that we are worth being with. think of that the next time you wallow in guilt about it being all your fault. It isnt.....wanting that last conversation all over again is a sign that you think you were good for her, and that you ARE a good person. Hold on to that through all the ups and downs. I am pushing two week of NC now and it is brutally hard.....but every day I get up a little faster, shake a little less, and worry not so intensely....

[scorchio]

thanks bounder & royltn for the lovely advice to which I take on board.

 

I suppose my biggest fear is she might meet someone else..... then no hope of getting back or her mind thinking of me.

 

im sure she hasnt met anyone, nothing at all to indicate she has, especially as she has a young daughter.

but you know what our minds go through just because there is silence and no contact.

 

im trying to keep strong and sure I am each day,

but cant denie in the future would be great to get that text out of blue from her

maybe im not strong enough yet (4months) to decide what to do, if & when it comes,

hope it does ................... LOL

 

 

You are very wise on the advice you have given to me

thanks

[Bounder]

I too hope for the answering machine message, the email, or something....but when I got it over a week ago, it was so hard, all i felt was anger to have her call me to share good news....I wanted to be happy, but was angry that she was rubbing my face in my misery, even if she didnt mean to intentionally. It gave me the resolve to not answer her back,ignore her msn messages and take her off it.....I know she found someone else, she left me in part because of this new guy....but I know that she will have the occasional pang when she passes the spot where we first kissed, our restaurant from our first date etc......maybe she will take him there to wipe out my presense, but even if she does, it means i mattered.

 

You did matter Scorchio to her at some point. Everyone here tends to wallow in feelings of, oh my ex never loved me, if they did they wouldnt have done this......they did this because they DID love you once and the adjustment was too hard, maybe they werent ready, maybe they are selfish, I dont know.....but you mattered to her. keep that. She may seem cold and uncaring now, but she wasnt always like that.....and she may change, or you may find someone else who gives you the goosebumps instead of a feeling of desperate loss and lack of control......

[Royltnxile]

I suppose my biggest fear is she might meet someone else..... then no hope of getting back or her mind thinking of me.

 

im sure she hasnt met anyone, nothing at all to indicate she has, especially as she has a young daughter.

but you know what our minds go through just because there is silence and no contact.

 

im trying to keep strong and sure I am each day,

but cant denie in the future would be great to get that text out of blue from her

maybe im not strong enough yet (4months) to decide what to do, if & when it comes,

hope it does ................... LOL

 

 

 

What makes you so sure she isn't seeing someone else? I'm not trying to be harsh, but do you have a window into her world where you can see what she's doing? I don't with my ex. A couple of common friends have seen her around....not with anyone. Don't jump to conclusions about what she is doing....she may very well be dating someone, it's common, and "rebounds" happen all the time. Another reason why you need to let it go and focus on yourself, Scorch, I know it hurts but you have to LIVE LIKE YOU NEVER HAD MET HER, AND AS IF YOU WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. Don't let ANY thoughts of her dictate what you do and don't do, especially if it inolves other women.

 

When was your last date Scorch?

Have you met anyone in the last 4 months that is a "prospect"?

Do you have a strong social circle that you go out with?

 

Point I'm trying to make is that you should be out LIVING and socializing rather than pining for her. I hope your feelings for her aren't interfering with your social life. You need to get out and get active if it is.

 

Scorch, dont automatically assume that even if ex girl is dating someone that it means that there is no future for you and her down the road. You seem like a swell guy, she probably knows this....sometimes it might take a girl another bad dating experience with a jerk or two before she can truly realize all the good things she had in you. That's why letting go is so important. Accept that it's over....at least for now. You haven't burned any bridges, and you've told her how you feel.....that's all you can do at present.

[scorchio]

Thanks both of you,

 

I hear what you are saying.

 

I am stronger and am getting on with things etc

 

I still pine for her in my own way, but not in a way to stop me doing anything,

I PROMISE I would not let her have the satisfaction of stopping me enjoying myself.......

 

and YES!!! prehaps she does need to meet some real jerks and crappy people to make her realise how good I once was for her and her daughter.

 

I take all advice on board, it is so usefull and heart warming.

[Royltnxile]

It's okay to "pine", and it's okay to have hope...just so long that pining and hoping isn't your main focus. I'ts been 6 months for me and I still pine and hope daily....and what makes it worse is that she did try and contact me a couple of months ago...twice on the same day...left no messages...so I didnt call her back. I want her coming to me! Figure if she wants to talk, for whatever reason, she can at least have the decency to leave me a message.

 

I've actually been seeing someone for the past month, but I'm not sure of the long term potential of it. I'ts fun for now though, and I must admit, she's alot better than my precious ex in alot of ways. So maybe my feelings for ex will start fading seriously. I kind of hope they do.

 

Remember, NC is for healing purposes, it's not a magic formula to bring back an ex. It might have the effect in some cases, but its for you to heal.

[Satin]

Hi .....

 

I read a post where someone used an analogy about contacting an ex..as you would if you were an alcoholic. The first drink always leads to the second...and so forth. The best way to avoid the pain...or a hangover..is abstinence. You know what the potential outcome is if you contact an ex...much as an alcoholic knows that although he may feel good..or "high" initially...that he will no doubt regret it the next day...due to his actions during his "drunk". The same with an ex....what good can come from it? Pain, regret..acting in ways you would not if you were in a "sober" state of mind. Simply put....it's best to avoid the bar...club...or anywhere an ex/alcohol might be because it's best for YOUR well being.

Whoever used that analogy..it truly is right on the money with regard to NC.

[rx7]

It's okay to "pine", and it's okay to have hope...just so long that pining and hoping isn't your main focus. I'ts been 6 months for me and I still pine and hope daily....and what makes it worse is that she did try and contact me a couple of months ago...twice on the same day...left no messages...so I didnt call her back. I want her coming to me! Figure if she wants to talk, for whatever reason, she can at least have the decency to leave me a message.

 

I've actually been seeing someone for the past month, but I'm not sure of the long term potential of it. I'ts fun for now though, and I must admit, she's alot better than my precious ex in alot of ways. So maybe my feelings for ex will start fading seriously. I kind of hope they do.

 

Royxlt, Im in same boat... 8 months though for me except she called, got through and was in rough shape, having a bad day... Wanted to meet up and talk....Problem is, the same thing happened a few months ago and I got burned again after meeting up with her. So this time I shut her down, saying NO! WOW its ironic how the tables turn.... I still miss her like crazy (she got back into my head - I was moving on)....... I don't know what to do now at all.... I'm not sure if I made a mistake, although I was just protecting myself.... Any thoughts?

[FCTex]

You did the right thing I think. But it could have gone both ways..

 

My ex is starting to contact me.. 2 weeks of breaking up. 1 week of real NC. Sat she text me. Wednesday she calls. I havent had her call me since our break up...

 

I answered it, and had a friendly conversation and I ended it..

 

You can't lose your healing, and your focus, and movement. You can't drop your life, your plans, and your wants for someone who's hurt you. If they dropped you once, don't let them give you false hopes, or anything to make you fall again. Just do everything for yourself, and if you do open up to them, do it little by little, and be sure to catch yourself from a fall. They have to work for get you back.

 

I'm finding hope everyday in this situtation. I want to get back so bad, but I dont want to be easy to get back. I dont even know if she wants to get back together, but part of me feels like she might eventually, she's just testing me.