Is this an affair?

[spiderwoman III]

I have been seeing a man as a friend for two years. We are both married to others, no kids. We meet on an average of every three weeks in public for coffee and talk. We email or leave voice messages to each other about four or five times a week.We have both noted that we think each other to be attractive. Our spouses do not know about this.

 

There has never been any touching between us, and both of us want it to stay that way. Neither of us wants to jeprodize our marriages,and I know for pretty certain he would break it off if he thought it would jeprodize his. But I think both of us really look forward to hearing from one another, seeing one another. Is this an affair in any sense?

[wynterose]

It could be a sort of 'emotional' affair. Can you cut him out of your life and not have your mind thinking about him every day?

[Bounder]

Why cant you talk to your spouse about it, at bring both of them with sometime.....so it doesnt have that look about it?

[arwen]

That is a difficult question. Mostly the definition of 'affair' depends of what your husband would consider as an affair. Does he know about this friendship?

 

I think if you are both just enjoying the talks and spending some time together, and would be totally ok in telling about your friendship to your spouses, it is not an affair.

 

If you are with him because you feel like something is missing in your marriage, and you are discussing things with this friend that you do not speak about to your husband, there might be more to it.

 

Ilse.

[Cadence308]

It sounds like it's an emotional affair since there are things between the two of you that you both would not like your spouses to know about and the physical attraction. Do you think about this man a lot when you are away from each other and look forward to seeing him again? Or do you meet, enjoy your time together, and think of your husband for the most part?

[darkblue]

I don't believe it's an affair in such that it's grounds for divorce etc.

 

The phrase 'emotional affair' sums it up pretty well.

 

Does your husband know of him at all?

[spiderwoman III]

Nothing has really changed between us in the two years. Like I said, no physical contact. That is why it does not worry me a lot. It's just great to have a male friend. But our spouses do not know. I'm not sure why. Maybe it is just something we do not want to share.

 

But, like I said, it has never gone beyond this point. We just give each other a listening ear, an ego boost, etc.

[spiderman_56]

why does not your spouse/husband know about it ... ? why the need to hide it .. ? if it's a just a friend then why so much drama and discomfort about it...?

It's not because you are in a relationship that it means you can't have friends.

[Shadows Light]

Personally.. I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. My "X" used to tell me he had a friend at work. A female co-worker. He described her as a hot babe. And went on to tell me her story. She had a husband who was ULTRA jealous. If her husband knew... that she talked to, had lunch with or took breaks with a man, he'd accuse her of an affair.

 

Since he told me..but she didn't tell her husband.. could this be an affair??? Not to me. I didn't consider it as such. And if you need to keep your spouse on a leash...then whats the point. I think you have bigger issues than worrying about if you have an "emotional affair" going on.

 

The word "emotional affair" bothers me. Why?? well.. we make friends with people that we hold in great esteem. Becuase we like them.. they do something for us in some shape, way or form. That is why we are friends to begin with. You can LOVE your friend. How many times have you heard one friend say to another friend.. "I love you". To find a "friend" attractive is also not a sin. I wouldn't consider it so. I have some good looking friends.. male and female. And then I have some friends who I don't find physically attractive (they were hit by the ugly truck), but I love them just the same, they have wonderful hearts. And somepeople may consider me to be ugly that a case of beer couldn't even cure. While someone may consider me a raving beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. LOL.. and yeah.. my mirror tells me I'm a raving beauty. (Don'tcha love a mirror that lies to you.. its worth millions).

 

Now... I guess we need to put a definition to "LOVE".. you can love your child, you can love your mom and dad, you can love your neighbor or your friend.. Love your Dog even. But.. you feel an Attraction or a romantic inclination toward a person.. its a whole different ball of wax.

 

I'd question... Why are you both hiding your "friendship" from your spouses.. and how would it look like to your spouses if they found out????

And if they find out.. what do you intend to do about it???

 

Be very careful. A spouse who is not jealous today.. can turn on a dime. Boy don't I know it. And the most innocent of relationships will be miscontrued. In this case.. I'd say if you were HONEST and TRUE to yourself.. then let them say what they want.

 

If my spouse can not trust me... then he shouldn't have me around either. And thats that.

[spiderwoman III]

I think it worries me because I never really had men friends before. I am 38 and got married at 20. I did not date a lot before I married. It always seemed like it would be so nice to have a close male friend. I have had many female friends, but never a close male one. I think I do not tell my husband because he does not think men and women can be friends.

[melrich]

No it's not an affair.

[spiderwoman III]

All this stuff about "emotional" really throws me, because all we ever talk about are things we are doing in our lives, work, how we are, etc. We never discuss deep stuff like feelings, etc. We do cheer each other up with kind words when one of us is down. Actually, I would kind of like to meet his wife. But, then, would she think it was strange that he did not mention me before? I think it would be nice to meet her because, obviously, she is an important part of his life, and he is my friend. But, like I said, my husband does not believe in male/female friendships, so it would not be possible for him to even meet this good friend of mine! Or, would it?

 

It does feel sad to have a good friendship but be afraid to share it because of misunderstanding being a possibility. I wish at times I could bring it out in the open, and remain good friends with our spouses knowing about it.

[Shadows Light]

SpiderWoman.. Welcome to Enotalone!!! I just noticed you are new here. Hope that you enjoy your stay and that you learn much about yourself and others here.

 

I've always had more male friends than female friends. LOL. For some reason I just related better. I was very much a tom boy growing up. 3 wheelers and horseback riding. Hiking. Fishing and sports. By the time I reached 16 things started to change. I didn't blossom till I was 17 and become a woman. And it was around this time that I started dating... or there abouts.

 

As I said... from my perspective. I don't see a problem with it. However, it is a very slippery slope and one you have to monitor. Knowing what the signals are and where the line is not to be crossed.

 

Since your dating was limited to begin with. I'd be very careful to keep yourself in check. Its a very thin line you walk when being friends with a male... especially if you haven't the experience to pull back when the flame gets too hot. You do not want to get burned.

 

Psychologically and physiologically.. I think we are programed to seek a mate. And when you are friends with a male and sharing conversation, likes, dislikes, relationship war stories... you need to be careful that you keep in mind. This is not MATE potential. Remind yourself over and over should the thought cross your mind.

 

Your husband does not believe men and women can be "friends" because maybe his own field of experience may tell him... he finds it difficult to keep in check. And maybe most of his friends have a difficult time also.

 

Male conversation...when a group of guys get together and they talk about women...can be "candid" and that is putting it mildly. They talk about.. who's hot and who's not. Don't know about you...but my female friends and I can get pretty bad ourselves. And I'll tell you.. its not with all women that conversation can turn this .."candid". Its all a matter of keeping it in perspective...and keeping the line in the sand drawn.

 

Yes..men and women can be friends. What I like about the relationship.. is that you do get an insight into MEN.... and you learn a lot about yourself. What do you look like from the outside looking in. From the male perspective.

 

LOL...not all conversation is thus. But you get my point. What I get from my guy friends also... is therapy... lol. Sometimes, one on one.. I'll listen to their problems..and be able to offer advice. And I hope they follow it.... because at the end of it.. is one lucky lady who will get romanced..and be loved.

 

Can't remember where I read it....but there's a good motto for women to follow. a'Always leave a man in better condition than you found him." soooo if my being friends with someone's BF or Husband, I can tell them to treat their women like gold, and what women like...and how to romance the heck out of their mate... then I've done my sister a good turn. AS LONG AS I DON"T CROSS THE LINE. lol.

[spiderwoman III]

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I think I will monitor the situation carefully. As we just talk about work, sports, stuff going on in the community, and not about us, I guess I am comfortable with it. I do really enjoy the guy perspective on things.Plus, he is a nice person with a great sense of humor. A really nice person to know. I do think about and value my husband a whole lot more than him, and hopefully he feels the same about his wife.

[conkatliz]

Put yourself in your husbands shoes. Would it be an affair if your husband was doing the exact same things but with a women you did not know? Think about it and you will have your answer.

Conkatliz

[yeawutever]

Well from wut u say, it's not really an affair, not even close to emotional, since both of u don't talk about feelings. Ok, so ur hubby has a misinterpretation of having friends of opposite sex, maybe he was prollie cheated on before or he had an experience with it and thinks it's gonna happen again if he knows it. But the only way is to have an open and honest communication and keep telling him it's nothing more than just a friend. Now, wut is questioning is how u know ur friend keeps this a secret from his wife too, he could have told her and she's just playing along. But, if he does keep this a secret, then he's also not open to her. Nothing to worry about if u got nothing to hide.

[yeawutever]

And yes, men and women can be just friends.

[Blue_Skirt]

Hi Spiderwoman III, I don't consider this to be an affair. Men and women can be friends. I feel sorry for you that your husband thinks otherwise.

 

I have met this great man more than 2 years ago through work and we have become good friends. He is married and I am single. Yes, I find him very attractive but what's more important, he is a very nice, warm person. We do not have the opportunity to see eachother very often as we live in different countries, and if we see eachother, it's always business related.

 

There has been no more physical contact than a friendly kiss on the cheek. I respect the fact that he is married and allthough I am very much attracted to him, I would not have respect for him anymore if he would want anything more than my friendship. I have drawn the line for myself very clearly, I have been in a long term relationship myself.

 

I am sure his wife knows about it. He recently suggested that we should meet the 3 of us together for dinner or so next time when I am over. He thinks we would get along fine. I can tell you, I am looking forward to meeting her!

 

Don't give up this friendship! You do need good friends in life!

[novaseeker]

The only issue I see here is the secrecy.

 

To me, it really isn't appropriate having a secret friend of the opposite sex to whom you are attracted and with whom you are exchanging voice mails and emails 5 times a week and meeting for coffee ... without your spouse knowing about it. Nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but the attraction and the secrecy is a bad, bad combination. If your husband has issues with opposite sex friendships you should discuss it with him and work through that, but hiding a relationship like this is bad: it's bad for trust between you and your husband, it impacts intimacy with your husband because there is this (fairly significant) friend you're keeping secret from him and if and when he does learn of your friend and the fact that you've been keeping it secret, believe it will look very bad, and there will be a lot of issues to work through at that point in terms of trust.