Persistent ex

[Mentor]

Hi All,

 

As some of you may recall, my girlfriend of 1 year left me in November. I was heartbroken, but avoided initiating contact. It was a clean, amicable breakup, as far as they go Over the months, she has been in sporadic contact, mostly by e-mail. These messages are friendly, but many have a melancholy tone to them. I have generally replied in kind, not giving her more than she offers, often much less, yet she persists in continuing to contact me. It seems that she genuinely misses my presense in her life, but is not willing to go further with it than a friendship.

 

In June she suggested that we get together to catch up. This was a huge step, as we had not seen each other since the breakup. I replied, telling her that I was not over her, and seeing her again would be very difficult for me at this time. She agreed, and thanked me for my honesty. Since then she had been quiet, until now. Last night I received another one of her friendly e-mails.

 

Every time I hear from her it stirs things up and I feel unwell. That being said, during the long periods of no contact I really miss hearing from her. I honestly don't know which is worse.

 

What would you do, if you were in my position? Should I not respond at all? Should I tell her that hearing from her hurts and I don't want her to contact me again? Should I return her message in a similar friendly fashion? The first 2 options would surely mean that I would not hear from her again. The last would mean that I have to endure this occasional knife twisting.

 

What do I want? I want her in my life, but I see only 2 possibilities for this: 1. we both decide to try again (I don't think this is likely); 2. I am completely over her, and have no desire to rekindle the old relationship (i.e. I have met someone else). Until one of these two eventualities comes to pass, I could not bear more than occasional contact, if even that.

 

I'm confused

[kellbell]

I would block her emails or her email address. It seems like you are ok until she emails.

[Mentor]

I would block her emails or her email address. It seems like you are ok until she emails.

 

Yes, I am OK, although just a week ago I was telling a friend on here how sad I was that I had not heard from her for so long. One is a dull, persistent ache, the other is a sharp stabbling pain.

 

Blocking her e-mail is a little hurtful, I think. If I asked her to, she would stop. I'm just not sure if it is what I want.

 

How do I decide what I want?

[Hope75]

 

How do I decide what I want?

 

I think you know what you want... and that's a reconcilaition. If you feel that the odds of this are near impossible, and having the occcasional contact is like having the forbidden carrot dangled in your face, taunting you.... maybe the best avenue is to politely remind her that you are still feeling quite raw over this and would appreciate it if she would give you some time.

 

Do you truly think she would not contact you again if you told her that? In the end... would that be worse than tearing open your wound every time you see an email from her?

[StarStruck]

Mentor,

 

I completely know how you feel. It's only been a few days since my split, and I miss her more than words can say. We were slated to meet in LV next week, and I told her NOT to come. She insisted she'll be there, wants to see me, ect, but I held my ground. I am just like you in that I don't know what's worse - not talking or hearing from her at all, or trying to be social and get through this together.

 

From what I've read on this site, NC is the way to go, and that's how I'm dealing with the loss of my soul mate right now. It hurts, but every day it gets a little better.

 

This is not to say that I don't change my mind on a daily basis. One day I swear I'll never talk to her again, the next I want to send her her ticket to LV. Bottom line is what is best for me is not having this person in my life right now, so I can heal. Then possibly in the future, I can resume a friendship with her and see how things go. I think you may be close to that point, but if the hurt is still extreme, you aren't quite there yet. When the hurt subsides, then look at things again.

 

Hope I was some help.

[RayKay]

I am sorry to hear Mentor the pain is still so fresh, or so prone to re-opening.

 

It is indeed a very tough situation to be in right now, since either way it feels I am sure like you are making a choice that will cause more heartache.

 

I think you probably already know what you need to do...for yourself. If you already feel the chances of a reconciliation are unlikely, I think you should probably try to avoid contact right now. I think that telling her you are not prepared to talk to her, even via a letter might be appropriate in this case, not yet at least. It's tough, I am not one for telling people I cannot have them in my life either.....it hurts...and you may find you can't do it. Time will heal, its your choice whether you want it to heal while attempting a friendship at same time, or do it without that constant reminder. It does not have to be for good - let her know you need more time, and want to be friends at SOME point, just not yet. It really does not have to be forever, just until you are ready. You don't need to be mean about it, just respond to her in the way you feel appropriate and you can handle and be honest that you are not ready to talk yet or see her yet..

 

I am not sure all the reasons for the breakup, it sounds like she still wants you in her life as well, but I am not sure to what degree either. Have you discussed with her what a friendship would mean, or what she wants?

 

Maybe some more details or a brief summary of what happened would help, to cause the breakup...'mutual' breakups almost seem harder sometimes, don't they?

[Mr. Sub]

Mentor,

 

If you can handle the mental part of it, just keep doing what you have been doing. Just kindly respond to her emails with nothing more or less. Just keep it simple and don't go further other than just emailing. It seems she is very persistent, but hopefully she will back off as time goes by.

 

I was in the same situation. My gf broke up with me six months ago and went back to her ex. I tried to make up but didn't work. There were some friendly emails at the beginning as she was caring about me. However, not long after her attitude changed. She started calling me at night and just wanting to catch up. I have done we you did. I even used NC for a while. But I know, it is tough. You want to heal, but at the same time you want to hear from her. I made my first mistake by going out with her one night, and couple times after. She said she was missing me, but then she couldn't have the encourge to leave his bf. Maybe your ex just doesn't know what she wants right now. She wants to stay friends, but she has to understand it takes time for you. If you still have feelings for her, just keep it simple. If you can, block her off from any contact, that will help you heal. As a friend she would understand.

[Mentor]

Lisa and I dated for a year, and as our anniversary approached we realized that our feelings for each other were not as strong as they should have been at that time. More so on her side than mine, but I was not happy in the relationship either. She initiated the breakup, but I supported the decision, I really could not see a future for us together unless we both made some dramatic changes, mostly in the area of emotional intimacy. I thought we could work on things more, she gave up after only a few weeks. This is the one area where we have never seen eye-to-eye. I have given the reasons for this breakdown much thought, but don't have the time and space to go into my theories here about why we couldn't connect. Let's just say that I have identified some areas in myself in need of improvement, and have been working on them since the breakup with the help of a therapist. I think that Lisa had her issues as well, but I have no idea if she has tried to deal with them. I doubt it.

 

In pretty much every other aspect of our relationship besides the deep emotional connection, we were perfect for each other. That has made the failure of this relationship so hard for both of us to take. We were best friends, had similar interests, challenged each other to always improve, had similar values/ideals about money, kids, religion, etc. We were both very attracted to each other, and had no complaints in the bedroom. Many times she referred to me as her "ideal boyfriend", or said that I was the "complete package".

 

Lisa is very understanding of my situation. When we first broke up she expressed her desire to keep me in her life. She made it clear that if we were to do so certain topics (new romances, etc.) would never be brought up. I trust her with my feelings now, I don't think that she would play games, but even just seeing her would be tough. I see no sign of her wanting to back off, or give up on this. It actually flatters me that she has been so persistent about staying in touch, obviously she was being honest when she told me how much I meant to her. It's very bittersweet.

 

I am leaning towards returning her e-mail in kind. Things have happened to me over the intervening months that are sure to pique her curiosity (I bought a house, etc...). I want to see where she wants to take this. I'm not holding out for a reconciliation, but at some point I will have to face her if I want her in my life, even just as a friend. I'm wondering if now is the time. Her message yesterday was a shock initially, but unlike the other times, I had no trouble getting to sleep. How will I know that I am ready to walk if I am too afraid to take my first step?

[Hope75]

It seems that you have worked this out to a reasonable conclusion in your head, and that is to take the chance and email her back and see where it takes you.

 

Seeing as you are possibly open to seeing her again, that does open the door to new possibilities for both of you, and there's always a chance that she may have a change of heart, esp. now that you have worked on your own intimacy issues throughout this year since you two have broken up.

 

Either way, you will know after this whether or not a friendship is possible now, or if you need more time and have to ask her to respectfully back off;

 

Take that first step.... go slow.... be careful.... and remember we are here to catch you if you fall!

 

Best of luck!

[DN]

I think the thing that really jumped out at me from your post was when you said that when you hear from her it makes you feel unwell. That must mean that you are not yet ready to form a non-romantic friendship with her.

 

The other thing that concerns me is that while you are still so preoccupied with her and your feelings for her you will not be able to form another relationship.

 

I would tell her that you are still healing from the relationship and ask her to be patient. Tell her you will contact her when you are ready, that you don't want to lose contact with her completely but need her understanding for the time being.

[Mentor]

Well, I did what I said I would do (and what many of you advised me not to do and wrote her back. Since then we have exchanged several warm, friendly, and almost flirty e-mails, and to make a long story short, she is coming over to see my new place and have dinner this Friday night.

 

What on earth am I supposed to do now?!?

 

Help mee eee eee!

 

I bet you're thinking that I deserve all that I'm in for........

[RayKay]

You are supposed to make dinner

 

Keep it simple, lighthearted, fun. Don't bring up the relationship, just enjoy the evening for what it is. Let it play out.

 

And then post here and let us know how it went!

 

 

Oh, and one more thing...don't sleep with her! Even if she gives you the offer...let her know you desire her too, but do not think it is appropriate. Ultimately, she will have more respect for you, and you will respect YOURSELF more too. If you are to reconcile, it will happen in its own time...don't bring in sex to confuse things!

[DN]

Guard your heart, have very low expectations, don't drink very much alcohol, and follow RayKay's advice.

 

If - and I almost hesitate to bring this up, in case you start to hope she will - but if she says she would like to try again then play it very calm, very slow and make sure you don't put yourself in a position where you become more vulnerable than you already are.

 

Do not do anything against your best interests. And it may be hard at the time to determine what is in your best interests.

[Mentor]

Thanks DN and RayKay for your advice! You have pretty much nailed how I am going to go into this. At most, I am expecting a friendly visit. I will not initiate an discussions about our past. I'm just looking to catch up, see how we are around each other, and feel things out.

 

Over the intervening months since our breakup I have occasionally wondered how I would react were I given the chance to try again. From this distance, it has been easy to say that I would not get involved with Lisa again unless I could see constructive changes on both our parts that would make another failure less likely. I wonder if I could be so strong if the moment ever came to pass however. I guess it will be a good test of how far I have come. As you suggest DN, if she does bring it up, I would only go down that road cautiously and at my own pace, and not jump right back in with two feet. Speaking of which...

 

Oh, and one more thing...don't sleep with her! Even if she gives you the offer...let her know you desire her too, but do not think it is appropriate. Ultimately, she will have more respect for you, and you will respect YOURSELF more too. If you are to reconcile, it will happen in its own time...don't bring in sex to confuse things!

 

Aww! C'mon! Where's the fun in this now? Actually thanks for the advice. I was wondering how I would handle this if it came up. Until I read your post, I probably would not have resisted, but I agree 100% with what you say.

[RayKay]

It sounds like you are in a good place...I am sure it won't be easy and you will be nervous...but you may even surprise yourself and find it quite relaxed and comfortable, you never know

 

Aww! C'mon! Where's the fun in this now? Actually thanks for the advice. I was wondering how I would handle this if it came up. Until I read your post, I probably would not have resisted, but I agree 100% with what you say.

 

I know, that's why I brought it up Honestly, it also shows HER you respect her in my opinion. Sex with the ex is nothing new, but if you truly want a reconciliation, approach it the right way and be strong. Not having sex will not change anything, or set you back. Having it just might add more confusion, reduce objectivity, rationale and set you up for more hurt feelings. Maybe spend the afternoon with some "literature & fine photography" and Jergen's to reduce any possible desire or inclination. Just a suggestion.

[Mentor]

Lol, don't worry RayKay, I think that I have enough willpower left that I won't have to resort to ... extreme measures.

 

The one "good" thing about our breakup was that it was relatively decisive. There was no waffling and mixed messages. Yes, we did decide to try to give it another go for a few weeks, but once that crashed and burned it was clear that it was over. Since then our communication has been sporadic, always initiated by Lisa, and friendly...until this recent set. This has made it impossible for me to realistically hope for a reconciliation. Sure, I have fantasized about it from time to time, but I knew what it was, just a dream.

 

Lisa's recent mesages have had a different tone to them. I read all of her letters to my therapist, and she agrees that there has been a distinct change. She thinks that the messages have more than a hint of seduction ( to them now. Still, I don't see this as any more than attention-seeking behaviour. I don't believe that Lisa would do it intentionally, but we all go through rough times, and she knows that I will always have a soft spot for her. This is as much as I can allow myself to hope for now. Perhaps I am being too defensive, but I think that it is better for me to take this stance and perhaps be pleasantly surprised, rather than to get my hopes up only to have them almost certainly crushed.

 

Time for me to start planning dinner....

[DN]

Steer clear of oysters!!!

[Mentor]

I'm thinking salmon and vegetables, grilled on my new BBQ, along with a "special" bottle of wine. We discovered this wine when we went to BC last summer, and brought back 6 bottles. It quickly became our favourite. Those didn't last long, but shortly after our breakup I discovered a secret source of the stuff, and ordered a case. Lisa doesn't know that I have more, I thought it would be a nice surprise.

 

Um, it's not going too far, is it? It does accompany salmon extremely well...

[DN]

No it is not going too far. There is no reason not to do something small as a nice gesture. It's not as if you bought her a Cadillac or anything.

 

But if you want to buy someone a Cadillac, I live in Ontario too

[Mentor]

But if you want to buy someone a Cadillac, I live in Ontario too

 

Geez, it's not as if I don't appreciate all of your advice...hmm, how about a smile instead?

 

 

[Mentor]

An update:

 

The evening together has come and gone. I could not have dared to dream for a better outcome! Not only does Lisa want to get back together, she also fully acknowledges the role that she played in the failure of our first attempt. She knows that she deliberately put up walls to keep me out, and never gave me a fair chance.

 

She assured me that if I agree to get back together things will be much different this time! Her experiences over the 9 months since the breakup have only served to teach her what she gave up when she left me, and she now realizes how much I really meant to her.

 

We are taking it slow from here. Almost from the beginning. I am going to fully enjoy the process of getting to know the new us!

 

It still doesn't feel real. I guess it will take some time for my defences to be torn down. You know, the ones that held me back from hoping that anything like this could ever happen.

[Hope75]

Yay!!!!!

 

I am so happy for you!!!

 

Remember to take it slow and be patient with yourself, taking down those walls takes time and trust, something Lisa will have to earn by showing you with her actions that she is serious about this and willing to work to make it work.

 

Having said that, this applies to you too, you need to put in the effort and be willing to discuss your feelings as you go along.

 

This truly is wonderful news!

[DN]

=D>

[DN]

Did she like the wine?

[Mentor]

Did she like the wine?

 

It was a hit! We drank my last two bottles.

 

Not to worry though, I just ordered another case of 12.