Not sure whether to make the last move...

[John25]

Ok, I probably write this above all to sort my own head out , but any comments or advice would be most welcome! Thanks for taking the time to read this! Here goes:

 

Basically, there is a girl at work who I have known for two years, and over the past six months we have got to know each other much better and I would say that we have been flirting (though don't you find the boundaries between "flirting" and being nice in a companion way are kinda vague?). Keep in mind that for a year and a half we barely spoke ever, with us only having "connected" over the past 6 months...

 

These are the "flirty" signals that have appeared over the past six months

 

1. When she walks past my workplace she will always look over with a big smile, and I will respond with a smile as well.

 

2. She will periodically appear at my work-place to have a little chat. I also noticed that she semed to be "around" me more when we are out at birthday parties etc of co-workers.

 

3. Three months ago we started having coffee together each day, alone.

, chatting away. We also started leaving work together and walking together till the subway stop she has to use..

 

4. We go through periods of sending each other funny/playful emails with attached pics etc... Through these mails we started inventing (hard to explain hehe) funny "names" for each other. (though to be fair, the mailing initiative is more mine than hers)

 

5. We have on 3-4 occasions stayed behind to chat more after the others have left when going out with co-workers to have a few beers.

 

6. We have met up a month ago or so to spend a whole evening alone together in various bars, chatting away. I mean, we were having kinda "deep" conversations about life, opinions and stuff and no real "flirty" talk, but we spend time alone that midweek day from 5 p.m. to about 1 a.m....

 

7. Now in summer, with work having slowed to all but a halt here, we are spending perhaps 2 hours a day at work chatting about this and that, checking funny or interesting websites together etc...

 

 

I am sure there have been perhaps a signal or two more, but anyway the gist is that my relationship with this girl changed drastically over the past six months. Now let me highlight the things that make me slightly more pessimistic regarding the situation:

 

1. She has a boyfriend... of 5 years no less!! It's worth mentioning here that she has made comments at work to co-workers from time to time that suggest that she isnt necessarily 100% happy, but she has never made outright hints that she would drop him soon. You see this guy is kind of weird, they have a kind of relaxed relationship where each can do what they want (within limits of course)... no jealousy involved. This guy doesnt even know most of her friends! She has been kind of fed up with this, but on the other hand she seems to value "freedom" a lot and he definitely gives her this... too much so perhaps.

 

2. I have, from time to time, dropped fairly clear hints regarding my interest in her, for example by suggesting to her we should take salsa classes together (definitely openly flirty, no?) or that we should go horseriding together sometime. She hasnt really gone for these ideas 100%, though she did say salsa classes could be interesting and that we could go horseriding with a group of friends that also wanted to go. What I am sayting is that I gave her a few opportunities to accept a clearer "date" without asking her out directly... and the response has been kind of mixed and unclear and vague.

 

3. We are not talking about a traditional girl here, but about a pretty modern girl with an artistic/creative background who sees things differently in many ways compared to most other girls. Not only does she have this flexible freedom relationship with her current boyfriend (cause she hated her ex-boyfriends jealousy) but I also think that she has had a boy or two as friends before etc... She has some pretty logical but quite modern ideas and philosophies, making her hard to judge.

 

 

Now then, this is more or less my situation. The dilemma is that I get these signals on the one hand, but that the above points make me slightly pessimistic regarding her response in the event of me telling her how I feel about her. She is very special, intelligent, great looking... I really like to be with her and I have even started missing her when I go away for a few vacation days! My problem is that the boundaries between love and friendship are sometimes not so clear (which i presume is why its not uncommon that "best" friends end up sleeping with their best friends if of opposite sex), and given that she works 5 metres from my desk at work I would hate to mess things up. Basically, I want clarity, but clarity could be kind of dodgy if the reply is negative when you work together hehe.. Rejection is bad enough in itself, but when you work together and have built up the promise of friendship, there is even more to loose...

 

I am not sure what to do... I am not sure if I read too much into the "flirty" signals listed above, or whether I would in fact be stupid not to approach her. I could try to move on and have just a friendship with her, but it's not every day that you come accross a girl you really like and value, and I have been single for a year...

 

Any advice or comments? Many thanks for reading!

 

John

[tiger_lilies]

Gosh John, you're inbetween a rock and a hard place with this one. Work relationships are risky already, but she's also in a long term relationship.

 

It is ultimately her choice if she decides to pursue things with you so I suggest that you continue being the wonderful person you are and essentially wait for her to make herself more openly available.

 

You are receiving vague signals probably because that is what I'm guessing she is purposely sending out. She must enjoy your company but wants to keep it friendly due to work and her long term boyfriend.

 

By the sounds of it, you've already made your move by suggesting more personal dates, but if she hasn't bitten yet, then she may not be as open to such a date. You'll just have to wait for her to figure things out for herself.

 

I know it kills to be in such a situation, but honestly, you have no other choice...unless you start pursuing someone new.

Good Luck buddy.

[John25]

Thanks for the reply tiger_lilies!

 

I kind of agree with what you say and have been thinking along similar lines. Coming to think of it, I did forget to mention that she "signed up" to go on vacation with my brother, his girlfriend and myself next year which could be considered a signal, but then again she is in a stage of her life where she wants to experience new things and make changes and she has been wanting to travel far, but never done so in the past. thereforeeee, again, I am not sure how much "meaning" it has.

 

I agree that the most logical way of seeing is is that she should make the move, but I am not sure how shy she'd be or even if she is not possibly too blind to see that i am attracted to her.

 

You really thin k it'd be better to wait? My horror scenario would be to meet her in 10 years and hear her say what a crush she had on me back in the ol' days hehe

[suprema99]

Hey john, your last words are right. You need to know though what's up? I'm thinking your friends material right now, cause she does currently have a boyfriend and nothing is happening except for you talking to her alot and being friends. If you really like her and she says she's got problems with her boyfriend, than go for it. Be aware though you are on total rebound if she would ever except and breakup with her boyfriend. She needs at least 1 year now I would imagine after the breakup to get over fully from a relationship of 5 years. If it's worth it then go for it, but you eventually need to do something with her. the sooner the better I think. . Goodluck

[Unmotivated]

You and I are very much alike, John25. Both of us like to sort of situations logically and try to look at all the evidence. Unfortunately, I can't give you a whole lot of advice for you problem. It sounds like a rather delicate situation.

 

The fact that you've gone "out" with her outside of work is a good sign. I think your best bet would be to work from that angle. Maybe you could ask her to go see a movie with you or something along those lines.

 

The thing is... It's hard not to be selfish though in situations like this. Her boyfriend probably isn't a prick or anything. He could be a pretty cool guy. It's always easy to automatically wish that something will come up between a couple so they will break up, but it's really a shortsighted way of looking at things.

 

Irrational thought seems to go hand-in-hand with love.

 

But anyway, I think you should pursues your interests here. Maybe it would be best if you could get her to honestly talk about her relationship with her boyfriend or something like that.

 

Good luck, man!

 

-----

 

This is why they need cloning. There are so many great people out there that are already spoken for. We just need about a dozen of each of them.

[Markers]

"Both of us like to sort of situations logically and try to look at all the evidence."

 

this sucks, because it doesn't really work. Since you do like the girl, you always see things better as they are. You are not evaluating things logically, rather the way that makes things look like you want them to be.

 

Don't get pessimistic though, you can trust logic to certain extent, just keep your head cool (which is really difficult).

[Unmotivated]

this sucks, because it doesn't really work. Since you do like the girl, you always see things better as they are. You are not evaluating things logically, rather the way that makes things look like you want them to be.

 

True. I think that's why groups like this forum are very useful to people. It allows us to lay out everything we know about a situation and let other people respond to it.