boyfriend looking on dating site - male point of view needed

[clairelouise11]

Hi

My boyfriend and i don't live together but we spend a lot of time at each others places (he works long hours and likes his independence and own space) we've been seeing each other a year or so.

He has my computer at his place which we both use and he's given me all his passwords for his email bank etc in case he wants me to do anything for him.

I was doing some maintenance on it the other day and noticed he'd been into a dating site. I asked him about it, i didn't get funny, just calmly asked him if he was looking for someone else, he said no he is looking for friends and as he gets on better with girls and using a dating site cos you can use it to find friends too and as he works such a lot he doesn't get out to meet new people so is the only way he can think of and craves new friends. (he is very sociable and he is friends with a few girls but they aren't about locally - he's friends with all his ex's which i don't mind at all and he works with all blokes in his job)

I said i understood but has unerved me slightly, i've been keeping an eye on his dating account site (which i maybe shouldn't be doing but i need to protect myself) he's only sent emails to a couple while he's been on it and not really got any replys. One did say to the girl that he was looking to find a good friend, maybe more later if someone can put up with him.

He doesn't want to live together as he feels its too much commitment.

He's 27 and i'm 31 on the site he's looking for girls 18-25.

I'm not quite sure how to handle this, we have such a good time when we're together and i'm the only one who's understood his long hours and don't give him any grief about it. He rings me all the time, gets jelous if i'm out without him or if i don't answer my phone at any time.

He spends nearly all his spare time with me and he can be quite nieve at times about girls.

He's either having a look around, messing about seeing if he can get some attention, being a 'guy' and dong a bit of flirting and telling them he's single to try and get them to write back or he's being really nieve or he's looking for someone else and keeping me as his safety net.

How do i find out which it is, does he need kicking into touch as one of my friends suggested and how do i do that!! do i start acting aloof to try and make him realise what he's got, i don't like playing games and he would probably know what was going on.

If i demand commitment or anything it would probably just scare him off.

I'd really apprieciate a guys point of view on this if poss!! thanks a lot.

[clairelouise11]

can a girlfriend be too lenient with things like this, should i be 'putting my foot down' (as some of my feminist friends say) i thought that both people were individuals in a relationship, not one controlling the other!

many men complain of nagging girlfriends - i don't want to be one of these

[Puddin]

I really think it depends upon how far you want to go in this relationship. It's been my experience that if someone is still looking, they don't think you are "the one".

 

Also most men know pretty quick if the woman they are with has future potential. Maybe your just Ms. Right "now".

[RayKay]

Phew...that must of been unnerving.

 

Okay, I will give you a couple different scenarios I know of that have happened to people I know in real life surrounding this issue.

 

Scenario #1 - One of my friends met her bf on a dating site. They were together 5 years, living together and all of that. Her bf had a habit of going back and putting up personal profiles on several sites regularly. Every now and then he would get caught, decide to leave her for a bit to "test the waters" and come back. It really wrecked her..he always avowed he did it for "friends" and "ego" but never cheated phycially. Yet he would meet these girls, flirt with them online, lie about his girlfriend or tell stories about how "she broke up with him". He would meet them on their breaks. Eventually she had enough and left. Met someone else. He was destroyed...and still seems to not realize how much he hurt her and the role he played..blames her...

 

She misses him, feels terrible as he is a mess...but she also realizes it was too little too late, he had 5 years worth of chances, 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances.

 

Scenario #2 - Another girl I know of busted her "perfect" guy on personal sites too. Again he said it was ego..nothing going on. They had a HUGE talk, she believed him, they stayed together. A month or two later...busted him again. It appears he is not very faithful, and is meeting these women, or at least wanting to from some of the emails she found. They broke up and she was quite lost, as she thought he was the one for her.

 

Scenario #3 - A girl went out with her girlfriend and ran into one of her exes from years years back at a bar. They talked, hung out a bit. She went back home to her boyfriend that night. Boyfriend found out about ex, got upset, nervous. Angry. Felt she was not honest (though she had not hidden it from him, told him about ex when she got home). They resolved the issue the next day she thought....then found out both that he had been talking to a girl whom was influencing him that his girlfriend was "selfish and in the wrong" and also found out that that day he was upset, he spent the day browsing the personal sites as the history log was open. She was devastated...called him while he was at his friends and told him what she had found...told him she was not happy at all and heartbroken. He came home, terrified she was going to break up with him. And kick him out. He told her he made a huge mistake, that he wanted to look at "real girls" not porn, and was feeling confused after she ran into her ex, and had listened to this other girl instead of her about the reasons. He felt absolutely terrible, told her he was so scared as she was the one, that when he looked into his future he wanted to be married to her.

 

She had no idea what to do, her trust was almost completely gone. She decided to work on forgiving and talking things through. He has not looked at a personal site since, and worked hard to regain and rebuild the trust between them...they both ensured to be honest with one another. This actually opened up the doors to ensure they were on the same page...the relationship had only been about 3-4 months long then, and they were both unsure to a point of what the other thought I think.

 

They are doing very well and are very happy and definitely 100% committed.

 

 

Point of giving you all these was it could be many different things. And its why you need to talk to him about it to figure it out. If you have an agreement of an exclusive relationship - then its exclusive. That also means not searching the personals in my opinion...that friend thing is BS in my opinion too...you don't meet friends on personal ads. It might be ego, it might be keeping options open, it might be curiosity (if he belongs to them, he gets emails with his "matches" and such too to look at).

 

I think though you also need to look at his other actions...about his feelings about living with you and it being "too much commitment". Have you both talked about where this relationship is going? It COULD be a good time, and I think at a year in it is fine to expect some sort of commitment there and be able to also decide whether you share the same goals and are on the same path. If not, you have some decisions to make.

 

In my opinion if after a YEAR he is actively "looking around"...you probably are moving in different directions - he does not see you as the "one".