Anonymous81 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 I was with my girl for 2 1/2 years, and she decided that she needed some freedom. I was finished with college and she was in her Junior year. We dated since she came to school, so i understood that she wanted to have fun w/o any attachements. I did before we were together and i thought it was fair for me to allow her to have a break. But a break it was not...A week after we broke up she decided to start seeing another guy...*beep*!!! I became furious, and decided that i wasnt going to be second best to anyone. After a while, I decided to lose all contact with her. Not seeing her and not talking to her was the best thing that i could have done. BUT that didnt happen the way that i wanted it to. This guy she was dating wasn't that financially stable and really couldnt take care of her the way i could. I was always there for her, regardless of what was gonig on.... We tried to friendship thing, but it didnt work out the way we wanted it. The feelings were just too strong, and that is why i couldnt understand why we didnt get back together. They broke up numerous amount of times, and she would always come back to me. This guy would always text message her telling her how he couldnt go on with out her and all this crap. Well, she would always feel bad and go back to him for that reason. Like i said this happened a number of times... Now, it has happened again, but this time she says that she wants what we had back for good. She says that she realizes that she made the biggest mistake in her life, and wants a true second chance. I told her that she was not going to get another chance unless she can promise that she will not hurt me again. And that she did promise for the bottom of her heart...We have spent the past week and a half together, loving every minute of it...BUT there was one catch. This P.O.S. continues to text message her making her feel so bad about the situation, and now she is getting upset about it. She says that seeing him so sad makes her miss him. Around 2am in the morning she asked me to leave so she could be alone and think, and i respected that. So i left her. She gave me a huge hug, kiss good night, and an "I love you". But this S.O.B. is effecting my life by swaying her opinions. And now the story of "The girl who has no clue what she wants" continues...I will keep you updated as the story grows... ANY ADVICE? Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 That's an interesting twist. I always thought that people get puched away further by having their ex beg for their return. In this case - it seems to be working ...! Although it seems as though she made the move to go back with you because you were not begging. Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 It is a very interesting story...VERY...Ready for another twist? I went home to let her dog out during my lunch b/c she is at school all day helping Freshman students move in. Her car is still in front of her apartment. And her door was unlocked. But she wasnt there. The dog was gone, and her new ex boyfriend's clothes and boots are on the kitchen counter. I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that he came home early from lunch and met her, and they took the dog to the park. She did say they were going to hang out sometime this week. Her phone is dead so there is no way of me getting ahold of her...so the suspense is going to linger. Kinda like a novel hunh? If anyone wants to throw in their two cents, please feel free. Link to comment
PrincessLinzay Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Wow, I must say, you are a much bigger person than I am. If I came home to find my boyfriend's EX'S clothes on the counter, I would have had a nervous breakdown. You are in an extremely difficult situation right now, and you have every right to be wary. I'm not really sure that this arrangement is the best for all involved. It sounds as though she's still having feelings for this other guy, yet wants to have her cake and eat it too. This soon out of a relationship, even though you were the original b/f, I would still consider this almost a rebound. Hanging out at the park with the dog? Absalutely not. I can't imagine this type of thing is okay with you. If she wants to be with you, make sure that she understands it's you and only you! She needs to cut ties with this guy completely. They weren't friends before they hooked up, and they aren't all the sudden going to be friends afterwards. Especially since he's made it very clear he still has more than friendly feelings for her. I think this is definitely something you need to discuss with her. It will only get worse. Of course, this is only my opinion... Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 Thank you for your opinion PrincessLinzay. Well, the reason that i am not flipping out is b/c i have been there and done that with this one before. Its kinda like training for a marathon. You build up your endurance enough, you cant really feel the pain that you used to. Dont get me wrong...if it is the worst case scenario, then i will still be hurt. For one, i dont want to be made a fool of. But nothing has been confirmed yet. I will talk to her once i get off of work in a few hours. So no reason to draw conclusions, have doubts, and make assumptions. That will only lead to an argument. But regardless, it still hurts...it hurts bad. And i hope that this is completely innocent. The other day she said something to me, and i was wondering if it was true with other people. She said she found herself wanting to talk to me all the time, but she held back alot. Right before they broke up, she dropped him off at the airport, and she immediately called me. What do you think that means? Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Oh this one is soooooooooo easy.... She doesn't know what she wants...Period. Start NC....when she finally tracks you down ( If she can ) Tell her you are tired of being led around and you are going to find someone that loves you unconditionally. If she needs a man that begs and pleads....let her know it won't be easy being husband and wife. -Let go and become the man you were meant to be instead of settling for scraps of false from a woman who doesn't know what she wants. I am sure she is sooo sweet....so this harsh post is NOT intended to say she is a bad person whatsoever. I am merely trying to help YOU. Take care my friend, --SuperDave71 Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 Thank you SuperDave...That is exaclty what brought her back time and time again. I suggest you all try this...It works. Well, what should i do when i tell her this and she says that she still wants to make it work...b/c it will. You know how hard it is to say no to something like this? What really sucks is that i was there...I found my identity again, and she comes and pulls this crap. Love Blindness it is a disease, and I have been diagnosed. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Its called having her cake and eat it too because she knows exactly what you need to hear for you to stay. Simple as that... -SuperDave71 Link to comment
PrincessLinzay Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Try not to think of it as a disease, rather an infactuation. I think humans, by our very nature, are flawed. We are competitive with not only others, but ourselves. Part of the allure of an ex who dumped you is the fact that....Hey! They dumped you! It becomes a mission to get them back. We hate, hate, hate to lose. We think that if we can just change them, or get them to fall for us hard, that will make everything better. More proof of our human flaws. Her saying she wants you back feels nice, sure, but her actions are very contradictory. If she was really serious, changing her phone number and severing contact with the ex would be easy. Yes, she would be hurting him, but in the long run, she would be doing him a favor. It's not very humane to leave an ex on a string of hope called "let's be friends". That type of thing only works in the movies. It just gives the ex the idea that there's a "chance" they can win you back and make you fall for them all over again. I think the number one thing you have to think about is your own happiness. Giving her the benefit of the doubt is all well and good, but if she's hurting you, whatever the reason, it's NOT okay. You have to be your own # 1 hun. Everything else is secondary. Either she respects your wishes or she doesn't, plain and simple. Let her actions be your deciding factor, not her words. Hang in there! Either way, I hope things turn out the way you want them to. Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 Wow...great advice!! If there is anything in this world i hate, it is being second best, especially in a situation like this. Her actions when we are together would tell me nothing more than she loves me with all her heart. I should have her change the number...i pay the bill. But the one thing that i am not is controlling...i think i will take your advice on the "lets be friends" being a fictitious idea. They fought all the time...I am not sure why she would even want to be friends with someone like that. Thanks again for all the friendly advice. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 The sympathy card works only on those who are weak minded...and it doesn't last very long either... trust me on this one. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 I know that i am not weak minded...I just enjoy hearing the opinions of those who have been there in my shoes. My mind knows what i should do...its not that i am weak minded at all...its WEAK HEARTED...I cant help the fact that i love a girl that acts like this. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Sorry..I should have clarified. I meant SHE was weak minded ...Not you; for giving in to someone who throws in the sympathy card. ( Her Ex ) -I do apologize. I should have made myself more clear. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 With this being said...before i left last night she said that she wanted to stay the night together tonight. She has to work tonight. She is a bartender, and i usually will stop by to say hi and hang out for a bit. Her phone is dead, and i have not received a phone call from her. Should i stop by and visit if i dont get a call. should i even stop by and visit if i do get the call depending on the outcome of this afternoon's visit, of course. Also, if she still asks me to stay the night, should i? Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 If she didn't call, I wouldn't go...not even to hang out. Again it sounds like you are on HER time....you should do what is RIGHT for you. It will be hard but it will make her think. I woudl say I didn't feel comfortable with her spending the night either. Be honest! You cannot be with her completely UNLESS she is with YOU completely.....Put it out there....be nice and sincere about it... If she loves you ...she will respect what you have to say and listen with her ears and her heart..If not..you have your answer. -D Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 Now, here comes the real pickle...I am moving into a new house this weekend. My power and water was scheduled to be turned off today in my house. thereforeeee, I have no power or water from now until Saturday. I was planning to stay at her place throughout the week....I was going to stay with her b/c i had to (and wanted to). Now what????? Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 find a friend...not her. You sounded like me months ago....trying to make up a reason to see her or be with her. -SuperDave71 If you can possibly help it......don't stay with her It could give you false hope and hurt even more in the long run if things do not work out. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
FCTex Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Good topic. I'm in the middle of beginning a break up. I was the dumpee. It hurts. She wanted to be free with no attachments it seems. She's a junior in college, and while I'm only days older, I have a full time job, I'm out of school, and I have bills and I'm finacially stable. She likes to go out and party, and I can't because I have responsibilities. So, I'm in the same boat really. I didnt want to lose her, even though I have a feeling it's for another guy, or the fact she wants to roam. I want her back though, even being treated like this out of no-where, I want her back.. This topic makes me feel better. I've been resisting the NC since her and I really ended it on Monday. I kinda got the answers I was looking for, so the real end was then, not a week before. Would going NC help us maybe have a chance if she really wants me back? She's going to get hurt by someone, I know it. I just feel that something is going to happen again, by her going out and being carefree. And I know her grades are going to drop, as they did before she met me 1 1/2 years ago, and when she was with me and not going out all the time and drinking, she was Deans list, 3.5+ GPA every semester... She'll realize.. I just don't want to push her away, she said she wants to be friends. Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 19, 2005 Author Share Posted August 19, 2005 My story gets more and more interesting as the hours go by. Regarding FTTex's question, NC is the avenue that i went down. And it was hard...believe me. Especially when she would call. Like i mentioned before, she started seeing someone almost immediately after our break up. And she always kept coming back to me for comfort b/c she realized what she had and she wasnt getting it from this guy. My situation is somewhat confusing though...I am getting extremely frustrated!! We have been hanging out exclusively now, and when we go out she introduces me as her boyfriend and makes those comments, and throws out the "I love yous", but she stays in contact with her ex. And all he does is throw out that sympathy card. This makes her feel extrememly bad and sad...Yesterday I took off work and we hung out. Had a great time, and probably had one of the best times i can remember in the bed room (STUPID on my part. I know)....And whaddaya know this guys starts it up again later in the evening. She went out with the girls and i did the same with the guys. We have decided that its not a good idea to sleep in the same bed right now, but get this: Her ex was watching her dog for a few days, and he came by before work while i was there this morning to drop off the dog...i was in the living room when he opens the door makes eye contact, and walks right back out. She figures out what has happened, and gets upset and starts text messaging him. I was there to take a shower and get ready since i had left all my toiletry stuff there from the day before. What i am hoping is that this guy can take a hint and LEAVE HER ALONE!! If anyone has any comments about any of this please throw them my way. Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 Here we go again. I think i know what i need to do, but i just wanted some other advice. My ex-girlfriend who wanted to work things out has realized that she doesnt want to have commitment to anyone...She wants to "do her own thing", and not have anyone to worry about. She said that she wants for us to still date and work things out though. How ridiculous is this. After a 2 1/2 yr relationship, she now wants to date. What the hell does that mean anyways? To me she might as well of said "I wanna have my cake and eat it too"...Is it possible to date after a long term relationship like this? I think her most recent ex stayed at her house last night, too? Any advice... Link to comment
RayKay Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Here we go again. I think i know what i need to do, but i just wanted some other advice. My ex-girlfriend who wanted to work things out has realized that she doesnt want to have commitment to anyone...She wants to "do her own thing", and not have anyone to worry about. She said that she wants for us to still date and work things out though. How ridiculous is this. After a 2 1/2 yr relationship, she now wants to date. What the hell does that mean anyways? To me she might as well of said "I wanna have my cake and eat it too"...Is it possible to date after a long term relationship like this? I think her most recent ex stayed at her house last night, too? Any advice... I really think you need to let her go.Wanting to "do her own thing" just means "wanting to keep my options open as I am not sure you are the one for me". If she is dating others, and having her ex sleep over (that should be enough to be INTOLERABLE anyway) that is NOT "working it through". She's selfish. I'd say from your posts, you already know that "dating" her now after this length of time is not acceptable, and won't be satisfying or healthy for you. Tell her "Sure, I think we should date. Just not each other." And move on, heal, and date others...you'll meet a woman who wants commitment with YOU and does not disrespect you by having sleepovers with her ex... She is responsible for her own choices, show her what the consequences of those choices are and don't let her use you. You deserve more than that. Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 Thank you and i agree...i just need to make sure that i have all my eggs in one basket when i turn the lights out...Thank you so much for your advice...and whaddya know...look who is call right now. This is what i am talking about...she wont let things end...you have no idea how selfish she is. Why i put myself through this, i havent the slightest... I will admit that, i am very, very picky...i act on physical attraction at first, and then react on my emotions...and this one had it all...that is what sucks. This past weekend when we were an item again, all of our peers would say "i am so glad that you guys are back together...you are so perfect for each other"... Link to comment
Royltnxile Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Anoymous, Drop her like a bad habit, because that's what she is. I"ve just read this entire thread and have come to the conclusion that she is as selfish and self absorbed as the day is long! No contact her immediately. Tell her you care about her, you love her..etc..etc...THEN back entirely away and leave it up to her to come to you. If she doesn't respect this, then she has no respect for you. I would guess she has self esteem and commitment issues as well as being selfish and self absorbed. Another option might be to beat the crap out of this needy and clingy ex b/f of hers! Yours is a classic example of a beautiful, but emotionally whacked girl taking advantage of a "nice"guy such as yourself. You've put up with enough and it's time to cut the chord. Be strong, no contact her, and stick to it. Maybe she'll grow up one of these days, maybe she likes it just the way she is. I'm not sure. You realize that this can't continue so get the hell away from her! Good luck! Link to comment
Anonymous81 Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 Thank you all for your repsonses...I had the closure last night, and told her until she can prove to me that she is in it 100%, she is going to get 0%. I have completely fine with being a cordial ex boyfriend...I do not hold gruges and am as level headed as they come. If the day comes when we can be on the same level and finally work things out, then great, but if not...it will be the end of a classic love story. Oh, and about the her most recent ex...he has his coming. I told her not to get angry when i finally see this guy out, b/c this pansy needs to have a whipping so he can become a man. This is going to be fun. He is already intemidated; i can wait... Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Hey I have an idea.....why don't you be more of a man...and do nothing rather than resorting to violence of any kind....Nature has a way of dealing with those who can't deal with themselves. -SuperDave71 PS. Saying you are level headed is a good thing but doing it is something completely different. Why waste your time on something like that Link to comment
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