Just a rant on some things I learned over the past 10 months

[gersanos]

Hi. Today I spoke with a good friend of mine who was having some trouble with his girlfriend, and I was amazed at how much I offered him with help on his situation, since it was all stuff that I went through almost a year ago with a bad break-up.

 

I just wanted to post this stuff here, because I was amazed at how the thoughts and words of help were just flowing from me, and, I was shocked that out of nowhere I was admiting so many of the small mistakes that I made that lead to the demise of that relationship.

 

Just a disclaimer: we both made mistakes in that relationship. However, I focused on blaming her for everything, then after healing, I focused on what went wrong, where it fell apart, and what I did wrong (not her), and that is what this post is about: my mistakes, my thoughts, and my attitude at that time. I am not a terrible guy, but I was hurt, and I was mean, and I did many things wrong which I learned from.

 

Basically, I had a great relationship going, and both parties were at fault for mistakes that occurred, and eventually lead to a very bad break-up. I pointed all the fingers on her, blamed her for everything, etc., but, after healing, realizing, and learning I can only hold myself accountable for my mistakes.

 

Why is it that us guys do such stupid things? Say stupid things? Sabotage relationships? In a nutshell, that's what I did, but, I thought that it was all her fault.

 

The mistake I made? Basically I got way too comfortable, and took her for granted. That translates into being inconsiderate, and that translates into being completely disrespectful. I set the ball into motion. I began the beginning of the end. I changed. I did many small stupid things, and said many minor stupid things, that all built up into huge fights and a very bad break-up. I was a jerk in the end towards her. Then I pointed the finger on her. Basically telling her after fighting for the last 2 weeks of that relationship all the time, her crying, and me saying I don't ever want to speak with you again after she couldn't take the hurt anymore. I'm man enough to sleep with her, how am I not man enough to speak with her? But, I was too hurt and angry at the time. I didn't know what to do other than get her out of my life completely.

 

Then I was shocked when I saw her a week afterwards walking with tears at school. Wondering to myself why is she so upset? She wanted to break-up more than I did. People told me it was because she was so hurt by me. That I changed. That I have to go back and apologize. It's not too late. But no. I was Mr. Macho. She ended it, she has to beg me back. Forget her, I don't need her in my life!

 

Then I would see her so many times afterwards at school. We never talked. But whenever she saw me somewhere, she would just stare at me. I asked people why shes looking at me. Everyone told me, it's because she still likes me. That she is waiting for me to go and speak with her. But same thing for me: I had the Mr. Macho attitude going. She wanted to end it, she has to come crawling back. But I was still confused. If she didn't care about me or have feelings for me, she would be indifferent and not even pay attention to me or notice me. And here she is, just stopped in her tracks staring at me as I walked in/out of a building on campus.

 

But my thoughts were clouded. I didn't realize yet what I did wrong, and what went wrong in the relationship. I was still hurt, and blaming her for all the faults and my hurt. Once I got over that, I began to really be set-free and to learn.

 

To this very day I still think about her now and then. She is the last girlfriend I had. I've dated plenty, but was not ready to get involved with anyone yet, and partially havn't found that special someone yet. But for a while now, I've been fully healed as I have accepted my part in the end of that relationship, let go of my hurt and anger, and learned from what I did wrong.

 

It's funny, if I'd bump into her again I mentioned to my friend today after offering some advice and speaking from some experience that I would apologize to her. But, at the same time, I hope I don't see her because I am so emberrassed by my behavior back then.

 

Basically, it takes time to heal, learn, and grow after a relationship. For me it was about 10-11 months to complete all of that from break-up day. I healed a while back, but, I didn't learn and grow right away from it.

 

Today I am ready to get involved with someone special, but, no need to rush into anything, take it slow. It's just amazing what happens after you go through all the pain and healing process how much you learn and grow from a situation. If only I knew back then what I know now...

 

Good luck everyone, and thanks for reading.

[atomic]

It's stupid, but I like to put a monthly reminder on my phone to say "do something amazing for so and so". It's not a good idea to do something on the first day of each month lol, but it is too easy to get comfortable. I enjoy the challenge of finding something new and different to do/send.

[DRB]

Gersanos,

I hear ya brother, I took my girlf for granted too. I stopped doing the little things I did at the start. When I did make her cry I wasn't too concerned, she was always there for me and did everything I asked of her and I didn't for her or if I did I would make a fuss about it.

 

I blamed her totally at the start too, thinking she gave up on us and there was nothing that we couldn't over come but bythe time of the break up she was already gone emotinally.

 

So yeah, it took me 7 months to realise I wasn't perfect and there was a ton of things I could have done better. I actually called her and thanked her for the lesson she taught me. I would have been the same naive guy now as I was then if it wasn't for her giving me the boot in the bum.

 

I feel so much wiser now and I have done the same as you. I can now give advice to my mates telling them not to get complacent. Always treat your girl like you did at the start.

 

It just annoys me that I have learnt so much and come so far yet I don't get a second chance. Its like I've learnt how to play a sport really well but I can never get a game to prove it. Break ups do happen for a reason and I am grateful for mine (in the end) though I do believe in second chances.

[sharkbait]

WAY too much reading involved there