Our Ex's Have To Change Pt. II : AND SO DO YOU

[benevolent]

I posted a thread not to long ago about how our ex's have to change and received some pretty good feedback. I'd like to expand on this topic a little more and discuss what it means for YOU to change as well. Because, believe it or not, you have to change in order to have more successful relationships.

 

We all know that breakups are a major pain and there are many here that offer advice on changing, but I have yet to see one on what you should change. Every relationship not matter how good or bad, long or short has a lesson to offer and if you avoid learning those lessons, then you are bound to repeat negative patterns, etc. After all, why do you think so many relationships fail?

 

 

DISTRACTIONS

 

Activities like going to the gym, taking up a new hobby, etc...are all great, but they do not change and improve your emotional fitness. These things don't make you better at relationships and if you have a history of bad relationship patterns, then you will only repeat the process with someone else. Like the title says, these are distractions that shift your attention away from the ex and all thought related to him/her. While it is a positive step in the right direction, it will not make you better at relationships.

 

WHAT YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON

 

Many relationship failures are the result of a breakdown and ignorance of these signs by both parties at some point in the relationship. In my opinion, you will have to face the reality of the bad that you contributed to the relationship as well. That's right, no one here is perfect. Of course, this will not happen quickly as the emotional aspect is going to be there for a while. When you are ready, take a step back and look at your relationship from an objective viewpoint. Look at your ex in the same manner. Then look at yourself. Do this for past relationships and for any relationship. What worked? What didn't? How did you handle conflict - or were you even able to? How well did you communicate? How well did you know your partner? How well did they know you? You may want to take time and write this down and I think you will be surprised on how there are repeated patterns. These are called LESSONS!

 

SO HOW DO I CHANGE

 

Of course this is the hardest part and it may require therapy(for extreme) cases, but what is critical is that you have to want to change for yourself. Not for your ex and not for anybody else, but for you. Fundamental change, positive change, etc...has to be a consistent process that requires lots of effort. Just like any new endeavor in life, you want to start slow and take note of what is or isn't working. Will you have setbacks? Yes, but if let that stop you, then you will make no progress. There is no time limit on how quickly this change will take place and the most dangerous part is convincing yourself otherwise. If it takes 2 years, lets say, then so be it. Who are you competing with or doing this for? Again it should only be for you.

 

WHEN DO YOU NOTICE A CHANGE

 

The post-breakup process goes through various stages ranging from sadness to anger to denial and regret and if you make it through the early stages, you should be able to start looking at the relationship in an objective manner. The big test is when you encounter the ex either alone or with someone else and how you react will give you a gauge as to where you are. Many people give up at this stage and either start scheming to get back with their ex or shift their focus on the ex. Some people never it make it to this level and for the simple fact of avoiding such an emotional enconuter.

 

In the event that you have a breakdown and chances are that you will, make sure that you still progess forward and focus on the aforementioned items listed above. If all goes well, you will notice one day that things have changed for the better.

 

 

 

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I had some other stuff to write, but I'll add this later on.

 

 

Good Luck to all.

[Bounder]

Keep going, its great stuff! I still cant see my ex without clenching my fists or wanting to cry.....darn!

[melrich]

I think it is important to note that if your relationship fails it does not mean that you are a failure as a person or there is something wrong with you and you need to change.

 

If you are an abuser or a totally closed person emotionally or have some other extreme personality trait then yes, you will have to work on that.

 

But most people in fact don't need to change.

 

What most people need to do is find someone that is compatable with them. Often we do not find this in our first relationship, or second or third and in that sense we do learn and make adjustments from relationship to relationship, but it should be more about the people we are selecting as partners than trying to change our personality types (impossible) and be someone we are not.

 

Yes if you have been in a relationship where you recognise you have made mistakes then you should try to learn from them. And communication skills and handling conflict are things that we are learning constantly through experience and (hopefully) get better at as we get older.

 

But a failed relationship is not necessarily (and is unlikely to be) an indicator that you need to change. It is certainly an opportunity to learn more about yourself and the type of person you are compatable with.

[SeaDogg]

Great stuff!

 

I am starting to find that even though my last (and also first real relationship) was ended after 2 years, I learned sooooooo much about what I WANT out of a relationship, and how to handle certain situations... basically learned not to be an $@#^# when I should just go with the flow cause everything works out in the end one way or another...Learned a lot about who I am as a person so I can find someone that wants to be with me, not because they love me, think i'm cute, have a body they find attractive, a great lover, kisser, whatever, but because they like the mental qualities about me not just the physical. ok, time for bed, rambling now! lol

[benevolent]

Good Points mel.

 

You pointed out a few things that I hoped to have (kinda hard when you are typing a long post at full force

 

But you're absolutely right in that this is not about changing your personality type. Can it be done, I think so, but only if you are steadfast in committing a lasting change - which many are incapable of doing.

 

I do believe that every relationship can offer a lesson and how you examine it can offer valuable lessons that can change your role in future relationships. I think with every relationship, you have to change/grow because people ultimately change as time goes on.

 

You made a great point about compatibility. As critical as it is, it has to be complemented with open, effective communication and all the other major components (which I'm too tired to type out now

 

In any case, thanks for adding the great points.

[melrich]

Can it be done, I think so,

 

I think you can "act" out a different personality but I don't think you can sustain it. Ultimately people revert to type.

 

Interesting topic though.

[DreamLilies]

Well, I have to disagree with the post right above. My personality and attitude are very different from the way they were a year ago. I've improved with a lot of meditation, introspection and a bit of therapy. Many people in my life have noticed that I seem to be a kinder, more tolerant person than I used to be. So I do believe that a person's personality can change.

[Bounder]

Unless the part of you that your partner wants to change is a part of yourself you value. For instance, your career, your beliefs etc. That you cant change, even some of your basic things, like whether or not you like to party every night...you know?

[kate111]

I agree that it is important to find somebody who is compatible with yourself.

 

Just because you are attracted to somebody doesn't mean they are compatible with you.

 

Finding somebody who appreciates your good qualities is a great starting point.