Why won't this end?

[Attar]

Hey all,

 

You should check my previous posts for the whole break up story & previous issues with porn that relate to this...I broke up with my gf after almost 3 years, because I felt like there wasn't enough space in the relationship to do what I wanted to do (and no, I don't mean look at porn...when we were happy in the relationship I had no use for it). It was a really hard breakup & we had to live together for a month before she moved out. She got a place in July, but mine fell through, and I ended up sleeping on the couch in our torn up apartment for a month, with tons of her stuff still there. It was a really hard & depressing period, compounded by the fact that I was getting down to the wire and hadn't found a place yet. By some miracle, a guy I had known for a while had broken up with his girlfriend, and needed a housemate. The place was really cheap for the location it was in, and the living situation was great. My ex and I were getting along a lot better too, and I felt like things were finally turning around for me.

 

Then last night, she showed up unexpectedly as I was looking at porn, which I figured I was free to do at this point (see my other posts, this will sound really familiar). I was really stressed and hadn't, uh, yanked it in a week or so, so i figured it would be a good way to release some tension, not thinking she would show up & not knock before she came in. I really think she has a sixth sense about it or something, because she's caught me three times. I tried to hide it from her (not very well), because I was happy to see her and knew it would ruin everything. But of course she found out, and flipped out on me again. She wanted desperately to see what I was looking at, and threatened to start breaking stuff unless I showed her, but I felt (as I did in the past when she caught me) that it was my business and mine alone, so I unplugged the computer . She started telling me how much she hated me, how I had an addiction, how she hoped my d*ck would fall off, how she hoped I was happy with my 2 dimensional woman, cause that was all I was ever going to get, etc. I tried to talk to her rationally and say it was just a stimulus, like a vibrator (which she has a couple of), but she didn't want to hear it. She left after a few more curses, and I felt like complete crap.

 

I ended up Googling "guilty about porn" & stuff like that, and read a bunch of things about how people need to figure out what should be private & what's not IF THEY'RE MARRIED, but I couldn't find anything like my situation, probably because if you're broken up, it really shouldn't be an issue. So I called today and left a message saying I was sorry it happened, and that I didn't want her to hate me, because I do value her friendship. She's the only person that helped me celebrate my birthday last month, or even knew that it WAS my birthday, and if it wasn't for her it would have been one of the more depressing days of my life. So she showed up earlier tonight, and immediately started grabbing stuff that belonged to her, and basically repeated herself from the previous night, adding that she was upset that I didn't try to call her last night after she left. I said "Well, when someone says they hate me, I usually take their word for it". Actually I don't think anyone has ever hated me, and it broke my heart to hear it, because I really did care for her. But as she continued to insult me I couldn't believe some of the things she said; belittling my penis size (which either meant she was lying to me the whole time we were together, or it was just to try and hurt me) , telling me how she's been on dates already (when I said "oh, so you lied about that too", she said "I don't have to tell you anything"), called me a porn addict and said she felt like I had been compulsively watching porn for the span of our relationship (not true), and so on, how much she hates me, that I was the worst boyfriend she ever had, you get the idea. I repeatedly tried to tell her how insignificant the porn was, that it was the male equivalent of a vibrator, but she said she wanted to see it for herself, because in her mind it was getting worse & worse, even though I described to her what it was I was watching.

 

That was this BIG ISSUE, that she didn't know precisely what it was, and the fact that I didn't want to show her made it a million times worse in her mind. I felt (and still feel) that it was none of her business, and I asked if she only ever thought about me when she used her vibrator, to which she replied "no way, not since we broke up" (another jab). I said that I hoped she could forgive me & that I only wished her the best, and she said basically that she wished herself the best too. The thing that really kills me is that she said she wasted almost three years of her life on me. How could anyone say that to someone they spent that long with? Over something like this?

 

So, spare me the "what are you doing" comments; I know she's being out of control hateful about this, but she's also the closest (almost only friend I have around here. We've had lots of fun together, and I was really hoping we could transition out of this failing relationship into a lasting friendship, but I guess that's down the drain. I feel completely alone, and was fairly suicidal about an hour ago, but I've calmed down enough to type this, and I'm feeling better as I do. I just wish we could be friends and respect each other, but it doesn't look like that will happen. Although I said that last time, and we ended up being friends again (though the porn thing did come up from time to time and spoiled what fun we were having). I guess I don't know what I want to hear, everything seems so hopeless. Is it wrong of me to not want to share with her what I was looking at? I feel like it's a private thing that has nothing to do with reality, and I didn't want her to see it and be like "I don't look like that", and so on, because it doesn't matter to me, it's not real. She can't seem to understand that i wouldn't want to share it, and says it's my dirty secret, and good riddance to me.

 

I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest, thanks for listening. And "Jill", if you're reading this, I really hope we can someday be friends and put all this stuff behind us. Life is too short, and me looking at stupid porn for a quick fix doesn't negate everything I've ever done or felt for you. Thanks for listening, and sorry for being long winded...

[Ms Omaniac]

well

 

it sounds like you use porn like how most guys use porn...which is a release. hell im a chick and i use it to as a release also. it's not like your heart belongs to these nameless people...that is reserved for the girl you referred to earlier. maybe try telling her that? also...i get ideas on what to do with my guy so that he gets to enjoy the benefits from this also.

 

but people who are threatened by some porn (if you truly are not a porn addict...because really...it should all be done in moderation) have some form of insecurity that THEY need to work on. at least that is how i feel about it.

 

any other opinions...im totally willing to listen to.

 

but the fact you do this in private....i might wonder WHY it is private. i am all about open communication though so i can sorta understand her insecurity. if she is open to it...try sharing the experience. it might make her less insecure about it and make you more open to share new experiences?

 

at least that is my take on it.

 

- ivy

[Attar]

 

but the fact you do this in private....i might wonder WHY it is private. i am all about open communication though so i can sorta understand her insecurity. if she is open to it...try sharing the experience. it might make her less insecure about it and make you more open to share new experiences?

 

at least that is my take on it.

 

- ivy

 

Well, did I mention we're broken up? I don't think there's going to be much sharing of anything from now on. I never did before, because porn was something I would turn to when the relationship was a moot point, like after one of the three or four times she dumped me, or when we got in a fight & she bombarded me with insults. I never needed to integrate it into our love life because she was/is quite the bombshell, and our sex life was great (when we were happy, that is).

[moonunit]

you know...admittedly i didn't read all of your post. but i had to comment, i don't understand what the big deal is about porn. what i mean is...i don't understand why so many women freak out about it. i mean come on give me a break. i hate this - even when i see some people post here negatively about it. i mean i could understand if it were child porn but to me...not a big deal - not a deal breaker.

 

honestly, my ex looked at it - i think he was freaked out when i found out he was looking at it (i found the videos) and then relieved when he saw me looking at the videos!

 

it's not something i need to look at everyday or every week even. im not craving to look at it, but yes every once in awhile if it were around on his computer or whatnot i took a look at it. and at one time i've rented a video or two or gotten a magazine. but i never felt jealous, mad, insecure about him looking at it. i was like wow, well all right then, that's kool.

 

it confuses me why so many are so put off/pent up about it. i don't think you have anything to feel ashamed about. or i guess what im trying to say is what ivy just did.

 

i had a girlfriend trip out on her boyfriend once b/c she found his box of movies and magazines. i shrugged like yeah and? and she was livid, freaked out on him made him throw them all away. it was wild to me. me and my girlfriends at one time traded our movies! that was when i was a little younger ;-) so there are women out there who see nothing wrong with this and enjoy it. but don't feel guilty!

[Ms Omaniac]

well i guess i didnt understand that part that you were broken up because i was thinking why would she be upset of you looking at porn when you two arent even together. but i guess you two were trying to keep talking and she caught you doing that. she still has no real right though to be upset because once youre broken up....anything in your personal life whether it be you dating someone else or what you do is not of her concern anymore.

 

she is totally taking your porn thing too seriously. i know you feel bad because it sucks that you lost a great friend and girl but it's not because of you...it's because of her issues. that prob isnt much of a consolation because the person is still gone from your life...but she needs to work on her insecurities about it. i guess she thinks the next guy she dates will not look at porn...which is TOTALLY a bad assumption on her part.

 

maybe one day she will realize that porn is a healthy outlet and be more understanding and contact you to apologize. but i personally do not believe you should apologize because it's like being ashamed. and you have nothing...absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed about.

 

sorry i didnt understand the broken up part...i thought you two were trying to get back together because i didnt fathom her being upset of the porn thing now that youre a single man.

[Attar]

well, i think part of the reason she's upset is that she thinks i was looking at porn all along during our relationship & keeping it a secret. i tried to tell her that wasn't the case but she doesn't believe me. it's just that she seemed to know when to catch me doing it that makes it seem worse than it is. she claims i'm an addict and won't believe otherwise.

 

and yes, during our last fight, she did say "I'll find a guy who doesn't look at/need porn". even though the first time we had a big fight about it, she came to the realization that "all guys look at porn". her issue then was the same as now, the fact that i wasn't showing her what i was looking at. I didn't feel comfortable because she has an insecure part of her that would make her say "you wish I looked like that, that's disgusting". For example, if we saw an actress in a movie she would say "do you think she's pretty?" and I would say "yeah, I guess so" and then she would say "i look nothing like her, is that what you like?". same goes for girls we would see around town & so on. It seemed like no amount of reassurance could make her believe that I thought she was better looking, and that i was incredibly attracted to her.

 

I wish you could see what she looks like, because it would make you see why this drove me crazy.

[Ms Omaniac]

even if you were looking at porn the whole time you were together is NOT a big deal. being attracted to other people is expected. what is realllly unrealistic is to think that the only person in the world that you should be attracted to is her. and you can be attracted to several diff types of people...it doesnt have to fit into one cookie cutter mold.

 

after your last post...it makes more sense. she has strong insecurities about herself and her body. maybe she doesnt feel attractive. maybe she feels threatened if you find other people are attractive and will leave her. she needs to be comfortable with her body and trust you and because of all that...these are her issues to resolve and not really yours. youve done nothing wrong nor should you be ashamed of your sex drive.

 

not that this will bring her back...but hopefully one day she will see that all along this was not a problem nor a reason to leave you. and that your heart did indeed belong to her...but she was too insecure to see that and that was a huge part of the problem why you 2 did not work out.

 

- ivy

[samspade2005]

Masturbation is a normal natural part of life and a release. There should be no shame in that act. Men and Women both do it... Looking at porn isn't a problem either. But, sometimes women with a partner do not understand this, or they get jellous of him - and will think, "Why does he need to do that? He should be doing that with me. Doesn't he like me? Aren't I enough for him?" Sort of thing... In reality it doesn't mean that at all, but she can take it that way.... It is nothing to be upset about. If she has a problem than it is her problem, which she has to work through. It's your body and you didn't do anything wrong. You can point out that she was the one that entered your room without knocking, and invaded your privacy. This is frequent topic on the program "Talk Sex With Sue" on TV, and alot of guys mention this issue.