Separation/Divorce and Dating

[Jaela]

Hi guys, well this guy Mike I really like called yesterday and asked me out on a date. I'm so excited that he's interested because I really like him, but there is another issue that he isn't aware of yet, and I was looking for some advice because I'm not sure of the proper 'dating' etiquette for this sort of thing. Right now I am married, and have been separated from my husband for about a year. The divorce will start becoming finalized after the summer. Right now Mike has no idea. Mike and I are still in the beginning stages of getting to know one another and now that he has finally given me a reason to believe he in interested in pursuing something more than merely a friendship, he needs to know before things progress any further. But I'm so nervous about telling him!

 

For those dating, if you really liked someone, would knowing they're married and going through a divorce push you away from them? For those divorced/separated/going through a divorce, if you're just getting to know someone and romantic feelings are beginning to develop, when do you deem a proper time to bring up this delicate issue?

 

I think I'm really scared to tell Mike because I'm afraid he'll judge me harshly, and he'll lose interest. This issue is also something that is deeply personal and emotional to me, and it's difficult for me to feel so vulnerable in front of this guy when I'm only just getting to know him. I dunno Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel I have to tell him asap though.

[confusedashell]

Personally, I'd let the other person (i.e. you) know that I'm here when things finish and for now its best not to take it too far. Better to concentrate on finalising your divorce before jumping into this. At least, thats how id feel if I were him and you told me you were going through a divorce

[thispaininside]

i may be young but in this situation if i was mike, it wouldnt change my opinion of you, id fully accept it and as the other reply says i reckon mike would say that hed wait around, if he actually likes you then thats for sure. well its pretty much 100 percent obvious that he isnt going to run away, especially if you get on well.

[Jaela]

Ya, I actually think I'm going to tell Mike I can't take things further until it's finalized. I mean, we've only just met a few weeks ago but I really want to be as upfront and honest with him as possible. The actual divorce is tricky because it was an international marriage. I think it's great that you'd still be there for the person after the divorce was finalized though.

 

I really have no idea how he's going to react... *bites nails nervously*

[lady00]

If he bails on you because of that, then he wasn't that into you in the first place. If he's interested, he'll be patient and caring with you during this time.

[bleeder]

Hi Jaela,

 

My advice would be to tell him about your current marital status as early as possible in the relationship.

 

Why? It would save you from lots of misunderstandings in the future, e.g. him blaming you for hiding the truth. It is also to safeguard yourself from any further heartbreaks if he is unable to accept you for some reason.

 

Personally, I think that if someone truly loves you for what you are, being separated or divorce is almost a non-issue. In the end, it all depends on how deeply he is in love with you, and if he has any hard and fast rules about dating women who are divorced/separated.

 

Bear in mind that people who are separated/divorced have a very different view and criteria when it comes to relationships. In a way, they see things in a better perspective and they also understand which particular pitfalls to avoid. For you, it will be good to have a talk with him and see where your directions are.

 

If marriage is his ultimate goal, would you be able to find the courage to go through those rites again? Or are you just comfortable to be in a relationship, without having marriage in the works?

 

These are some of the issues you'd have to tackle.

 

Hope that I have helped.

[Jaela]

Hi Bleeder, what a wonderfully insightful post. I married extremely young (we were both 21) and neither of us really had a clue what we were doing. It was more his family pushing for it because we had been dating and my visa was running out for overseas. So we had a choice to make and really, we were both babies when we did it. Neither of us had a clue what we wanted and I feel it was done for many wrong reasons. I could def get married again someday, although it will never be something I rush into again. I have so much I want to do education and career-wise, and I feel strongly I should be as independent as possible and be 100% certain before merging my life with someone else on that level again. But I know there will come a time where I will want to settle down to build a family with a wonderful man.

 

I just really like Mike, and I hope (hope hope hope!) this won't scare him away. He's so sweet and nice and I'd really like to get to know him better. Thank you everybody for your replies. I'll keep you updated on the response.

[bleeder]

I am glad to hear that Jaela.

 

It is important that you find your own two feet first, before undertaking any relationships. We cannot love others well if we don't love ourselves first.

 

You have my blessings surely, and please do keep us posted.

[Jaela]

Hi guys, well Mike has been out of town for work and we didn't have a chance to have 'the talk' until last night. I was really scared but I told him I needed to talk with him about something. He was immediately alert when he saw how serious I was. I explained the situation and he listened very quietly. He asked me twice if I was ok (I was reallly scared about his reaction), then once the story was out, he said he didn't see why it would change anything between him and I, at least from his end. He said, "You don't have to be so nervous about talking with me about things."

 

So it was really late and we were both laying down and suddenly he was like, "can I ask you a question? Why did you decide to get a divorce?" And I told him, and he reached for my hand and held it while I talked. Again he listened quietly. Then he said I was a really honest, genuine person and that he liked that. We fell asleep holding hands (still hasn't kissed me) ... woke up and took me home, since he had to help a friend move in the early morning. When he pulled up to my house, he asked if he could take me to the movies later tonight.

 

He was so gentle in his response to everything. I'm so happy and relieved he knows now

 

I'm really starting to like him!

[bleeder]

I am happy to hear that Jaela!

 

I hope your journey from now on would be a fruitful one. All the best!

[lara78]

i just wanted to say i went thru the same thing-i was married, waiting to be divorced and i still dated. I told the guy i was dating right away and it didnt bother him-we dated a year, but i ened being not ready to be with someone...so we broke up. But i guess the point is that he was ok with my still being 'married' and waiting to get divorced.