Is there something wrong with me or others?

[TiredMan]

I have always been a super caring person. I'm the type who NEVER forgets to return a phone call, email or what not unless I do it on purpose. If I care about someone, I would always rip off my leg to help them. I very rarely think about myself first.

 

I am 30 years old. I have never met anyone who comes close to this category and it's really bothers me. My family, in my eyes, are so opposite, that it's really mean. They would always get mad at things and I'm sure that is why I am how I am.

 

I meet people and if I see anyone in any sort of situation, I'm always throwing myself to help. But none of these people do the same for me. I have just gone through a breakup from an 8 year relationship (we are still talking). She got fed up that I would get so mad at want to leave it so many times or say something really mean. She didn't do those things. After thinking about it, I realized why I always got so mad. She talks about things like I do. About how others are so inconsiderate and mean and selfish. These are things I always speak about. But then she does some of those same things (not even realizing it sometimes as she isn't very sharp when it comes to common sense). It hits me in a deep spot and I feel betrayed and then I get really mad. At that point, I don't feel a thing. This happens with my family as well. When I get to that point, I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm just so hurt and betrayed.

 

I just don't understand why I care so much about others, and it never comes back to me. Then I get so hurt, that I force myself to do mean things. Afterwards, I live with unspeakable guilt while others "get over it". I know the world isn't a fair place but geez, can't there be anyone else like me b/c I have never seen it. I wish I could hit a switch and be as selfish as everyone else is but it doesn't happen. I react how I react.

 

Let me also add that I go out of my way to make sure someone else doesn't ever feel the things I feel. Until I get really hurt, then I lose it.

[ComputerGuy]

I dont know how much help I can be, but I am pretty much exactly the same as you...I go out of my way to help people and I normally (not always) have it blow up in my face or thrown back at me. There are people in my life that treat me the same way, but they are few and far between.

[HajiMaji]

Buddy, i feel ya. Im the same way. You really have to believe in and out that its better to give then receive. Children need to receive love, adults need to give it. Lots of adults never grow up past that phase of needing to receive that love and care.

 

There are days i feel alone. I sit around 'ripping my leg off' to help people and sometimes i dont get the care i need when im feeling low. That by itself wouldnt anger me. What sucks is thinking youve got a close friend who will be patient and help ya when you are low and then have them flake out. I think since we know we are a rare breed we can feel very comfortable when we think somone else cares about us as much as we care about them. When they dont live up to what we thought we feel betrayed.

 

The challenge is knowing they arent trying to betray you. They do care about you, but people have thier own problems. Its so easy to focus inward when people are going through thier own issues.

 

Lastly, i think you are a feeling type guy. Im the same way, and i really think its a blessing. It modivates us to care so deeply about other people! At the same time man, when we feel bad it can really hurt and take a while to get over. Just like you said, most people can 'get over' things while with us it lingers for a while. I dont think theres a cure for that. Just realize that you are feeling bad and you are intune with your feelings so it will take a bit for the feelings to pass.

[ComputerGuy]

What sucks is thinking youve got a close friend who will be patient and help ya when you are low and then have them flake out

 

Actually, I think that's the biggest thing there, generally it doesnt bother me when its someone I don't really know, and sometimes I'm even glad it ends when I've finished helping them...but it's the people close to me that hurt the most when they aren't there right when I really need them. The person I consider my best friend and who I'd turn to in a crisis has already proven on many occaisions that she won't "flake out" on me, so I guess I'm lucky in that regard...however it hasn't always been like that.

[jillybean]

i can relate. i could never understand how people could live with themselves when they put themselves first all the time. as a result i understood very few people.

throwing yourself into helping others...again sounds a lot like myself.

 

but let me tell you about my friend ashley.

she lives her life from one tragedy, one terrible drama to another...she changes her friends so often she can hardly keep track, because she's the type of person people see themselves able to open up to, and also the type of person who will do anything to help a person. she'll put all her time into their problem, and it seems like she never gets a break cos another person needs her the minute she's finished.

she is a mess now. she has no time for herself and just breaks down every once in a while out of pure exhaustion.

 

it's not always good to want to help everyone. to want to be a hero. you can't help everyone. some people don't want help. helping others is its own reward.. and it is a fantastic thing to dedicate your life to, but not everyone wants to do that. different people want different things out of life. it'd be nice if everyone helped everyone else, but be realistic.. and give people a break. sometimes they just genuinely mightn't realise how the way they're acting affects others, and explaining it to them reasonably rather than letting your temper get the better of you might be a better idea.

 

it's great that you're so caring and you want to put other people first... but i think sometimes you put your high ideals and values first, rather than other people. you've put them before the people you love. your family and your ex... your standards for them are very high. and yes they made mistakes. but that's because they're human. i think you'll find a lot of people are.

 

sometimes even the best of people can get wrapped up in something or so overwhelmed by a situation that they'll do something they'll later regret, something they'd never dream of in normal circumstances.

 

people aren't selfless all the time. people like that can be taken advantage of too easily. that's why i no longer live my life for other people 100%.

the % is still up pretty close to the top, but i'm not ashamed to admit i put myself first when i think i need to.

[jillybean]

.... it's funny...

all my life apart from one friend i have now, everyone's let me down. everyone.

heh.. it's actually ridiculous. i'm very wary of new people because of it, but if anyone needed help i'd still be the first to volunteer, no matter who they were.

understandably, i don't find it easy to trust people because of this..

but that doesn't mean i'd ditch them. i just wouldn't maybe go to them myself when I needed something...

but... i don't know why it is and i can't justify it, but not everyone is a saint.

hell, no one is.

i guess one just has to accept that.

at this stage i pretty much just.. automatically assume EVERYONE's unreliable!

but i don't hold it against him. i don't claim to be any better.

[jillybean]

that should be "them" not "him" in the last line......

[shes2smart]

.I meet people and if I see anyone in any sort of situation, I'm always throwing myself to help. But none of these people do the same for me.

 

If you are doing any of these "selfless" things with an expectation of return, it is bound to fail.

 

All of us really need to take care of ourselves first so we can then be in a position to assist others if we choose to do so. That's the thing about having free will...we don't have to do anything if that's what we choose to do.

 

I like the example of the oxygen masks on an airplane. If you are traveling with a child or someone else who needs assistance, they tell you to attend to your oxygen mask FIRST, THEN you can assist others. This can be applied to every area of life. If you continually choose to help others at your expense, then expect them to be there to assist you, you are bound to be disappointed.

 

If you are an adult with a reasonable level of intelligence, no one is responsible for you but you. There is a difference between self-love and selfishness. A lot of people fail to make the distinction between the two and give them both a bad name.

 

I like this description:

Selfishness - in its negative sense - means, "I love me, and only me, and the hell with you." People who are selfish in the extreme are, in fact, sociopathic -- on the way to the store to buy a bag of cookies, these people will run you over, because stopping for you would have deprived them of the cookies one minute longer.

 

This is obviously not the sort of self-love I am promoting. While self-love certainly does not mean pleasing others at the expense of yourself (unless you choose to do so), it also does not mean one should please oneself at others' expense.

 

Putting your needs first -- a fundamental tenet of self-love -- is not only common sense; it is also essential if you want to do for others. If you do not, say, fulfill your need to sleep because you want to "sacrifice yourself" for the good of others, within a few days, you will collapse and others will have to do for you. And prior to your collapse, your fatigued doing may become another's undoing.

 

So it is in all relationships -- if you take care of your needs and wants, being with others is more enjoyable and productive. In fact, for most people, self-love makes one less selfish.

 

Peter McWilliams, "Love 101: To Love Oneself Is The Beginning Of A Lifelong Romance"

 

The very fact that you are bemoaning how you never receive in return tells me your needs are not getting met. You cannot expect other people to fulfill your needs -- that's your job. Once you take care of yourself first, you will be in a much better position to give with no expectation of return which is what is truly selfless.

[jillybean]

hehe... shes2smart... i liked that post.

 

no friendship is ever selfless. that's not friendship! any relationship is give AND take. "selflessness" is rare, and ought to stay that way.

[ComputerGuy]

I like the example of the oxygen masks on an airplane. If you are traveling with a child or someone else who needs assistance, they tell you to attend to your oxygen mask FIRST, THEN you can assist others.

 

My question is this - I am the sort of person that in that circumstance, my thoughts are instantly of the people around me....it's not something I do by choice, it's something I do by instict or impulse. What would you suggest then? As it's not so much choices I make so much as how I am as a person.

[jillybean]

if it's who you are, why change it? like you said, you have that one friend you can count on. that's really all you need in life, one good friend.

there's no advice you need to "fix" being a nice guy.. :S

 

and the gas mask thing is common sense and really has little to do with selfish choices.......

[TiredMan]

I appreciate the responses.

 

I have to say a couple of things though. Most of them mentioned having that ONE person while everyone else wasn't like that. I have never met anyone in my life (30 years+ worth) that even came close. And I have met so many people.

 

The breakup I am going through now after 8 years was because I would get so hurt that I would break away for a while. The pain got too unbearable and I was so sad by it. Going through many things in my life, it's been about that. I was put in schools and camps where it was very isolated for me. My family thought they were doing the "best" for me but it was torture. When i eventually went away to college, I felt all weird. Now I had "friends" and hung out and all that but how I felt deep down was there.

 

I'm very smart. I know what is wrong. I also know I should think of myself first and all that. Problem is, situations come and my instinct is not to do it. I talk about it with my her and my mom but it doesn't change the feeling and I want it to go away already.

 

When it's regular people, it bothers me but I'm not dying over it. When it's people who are supposed to love me (8 year g/f, parents) then its destroys me because they know how I am and feel and I feel like they should not do it. Like I know I can take advantage of someone who is mentally handicapped but there is a reason why I don't. It's called decency. Also, it hit me hard in my relationship because she always talked about feeling the same way when her "friends" have done it to her. We always related about this. So when she does it to me not even realizing it, then I am heartbroken and react.

[shes2smart]

My question is this - I am the sort of person that in that circumstance, my thoughts are instantly of the people around me....it's not something I do by choice, it's something I do by instict or impulse. What would you suggest then? As it's not so much choices I make so much as how I am as a person.

 

Think it through here a moment...if you were truly concerned for those around you, it would be logical to take care of yourself first so that you would be in a position to offer real assistance. What good is it if you try to help someone else first, then pass out from lack of oxygen? Both you and the person you were trying to help are screwed then. How does that help anyone?

 

Who you are as a person is made up of the choices you make. We do have free will and can make different choices at any time.

[shes2smart]

I'm very smart. I know what is wrong. I also know I should think of myself first and all that. Problem is, situations come and my instinct is not to do it. I talk about it with my her and my mom but it doesn't change the feeling and I want it to go away already.

 

Not instinct. Habit. It is what you learned to do and what you've become accustomed to doing. Breaking old habits is difficult. But if you want it enough, it can be done.

 

Self-love is a learned behavior. I should know. I didn't bother learning it until sometime in my 30's. Tough, tough lesson but the rewards I've reaped from it....well worth it.

 

When it's regular people, it bothers me but I'm not dying over it. When it's people who are supposed to love me (8 year g/f, parents) then its destroys me because they know how I am and feel and I feel like they should not do it. Like I know I can take advantage of someone who is mentally handicapped but there is a reason why I don't. It's called decency. Also, it hit me hard in my relationship because she always talked about feeling the same way when her "friends" have done it to her. We always related about this. So when she does it to me not even realizing it, then I am heartbroken and react.

 

Again, you're still expecting others to live up to a standard you have in your head. Your expectations for other people's behavior is what's hurting you. You expect them to make considerations for you because "they know how you are and how you feel", but at the same time you're expecting them to be something other than how they are.

 

Some people are going to go the extra mile, and some aren't. Some will do it in ways different than you would. Some wouldn't give a glass of water to someone dying of thirst. One trait we all share is that we cannot control another person's thoughts or behavior. The only person's thoughts or behavior we can control is our own. Doesn't sound like much, but it is the key to tremendous power in our own lives.

 

If you expect certain behavior from someone (no matter what their relationship to you), and they do not behave in the expected way, you are hurt and disappointed. If you didn't expect a person to behave in a certain way, there would be no disappointment when the expected behavior didn't occur. If they went out of their way to do something kind, and you didn't expect it, you would view it as a great gift and see yourself as a very fortunate person indeed.

 

So you can choose to keep those expectations and continue to be disappointed, or you can choose a new way of looking at the world. Having made that choice for myself about 10 years ago, I can tell you changing long-ingrained thought processes was freakin' difficult. Complete pain in the butt. However, I am amazed by the difference it has made...and how often I am truly blessed by the kindness of others now that I no longer expect it.

[TiredMan]

I know my expectations are extremely high. And I tell myself that. I am now in therapy about it. But when the situation happens, I just feel so hurt. I'm trying, I'm really trying.

 

But when you say "You expect them to make considerations for you because "they know how you are and how you feel", but at the same time you're expecting them to be something other than how they are.", I am not sure. She always tells me how everyone she knows treats her so she doesn't trust them so I do expect her to do it a bit. If I know what it feels like to be abused, I sure as heck would NOT beat my child. Whenever I see anyone being picked on or suffering, I will jump to their defense even if I don't know them.

 

I'm trying to change my thinking. But I have been accustomed to it for 30+ years now. And everyone I meet had stabbed in the back at one point. I would never do that.

[TiredMan]

Add to this I am going through a painful situation (read the breakup thread at : link removed ) that I am literally dying right now. I feel so alone and this pain is too much to handle.

 

I have been through breakups and bad things in my life but the betrayal I feel (although I know my actions had a lot to do with it) is literally unimaginable.