please! advice! dont know what to do. men?? women?? help!

[toonsy]

Complicated story in a way….I'll try to make it short.

 

We fell madly in love 6 months ago. Unlike anything either of us had felt before, and we've both been married before. Everything clicked! It was passionate from the start.

 

Soon I recognized some things in him. He said he was fearful of being completely vulnerable to me in fear I might hurt him someday. His feelings for me were more than he had ever felt and it was overwhelming for him. He hadn't said the words "I love you" to anyone in over 6 years. He said for the first time in his life he was willing to let down his walls and fully love someone, even more than he felt when he was once married. He saw us married, with children one day……so did I. I just knew that I had to learn to work through his 'insecurities' in love along the way – we all have them. One time I asked for a few days to just settle myself because things moved so fast. He was afraid I was running. He was so afraid to lose me. But I reassured him I loved him very much and I wasn't running.

 

Well, as if his fears of vulnerability weren't enough to contend with, his life started adding up stresses. He is in a certification course currently that entails exams every other week. His job is very demanding. He wanted to spend all of his time with me. He didn't hang out with his friends, he would put off his studying, even slacked on his workouts just to spend time with me.

 

We started arguing about stupid things every 3 weeks or so, never over anything important. In his frustration he would say; "I can't do this arguing! It hurts too much and I have such little free time in my life right now than to spend it arguing with you! It hurts too much! Maybe you should find someone else…. Maybe I just can't make you happy." It always hurt when he said that. But after calming down he admitted his sabotaging of the relationship and 'testing' me in a way because he loved me so much but was so afraid to lose me one day.

 

Well, one day we had a big fight. I knew deep inside he was going to give up because he couldn't bear the arguing. Again he made the comments about me finding someone else. I awaited the phone call or the "Dear Jane" email while I removed all of his things from my apartment. I wrote him a letter telling him in all honesty my feelings for him, what I saw him doing to us…. And in my sadness I sent an email to another man….not because I had any interest at all, but because I felt pushed in a way and thought I needed to force myself to move on. I wrote it in the end of the letter that I had emailed someone else with a very heavy heart because it was what he pushed me to do so many times…. The email from my b/f came. It was over. He said though he loved me very much, he couldn't bear to argue anymore because it hurt too much. I went to his place and dropped off his things and the letter. It was hard; we were both very sad but kept the emotions intact. I left and told him I hoped my letter wouldn't make him angry.

 

I cried all the way home. I came home to another email from him. He read my letter and he broke down in tears. He admitted it was his fault and he wanted so badly to come after me, but then he read about me contacting someone else. He said it hurt so much but he realized he caused it. We started IM-ing and he was a wreck. He said he knew he had issues to work on but didn't want to lose me, but was so overwhelmed in life right now too. We agreed to try to work on a friendship foundation, see other people, and see what may come in the future.

 

The week after the breakup he was very clingy and giddy towards me. I kind of pushed him off. We decided to keep a trip we had planned months earlier for the following week. The night before the flight out he was out with his buddies, had too much to drink and we had an argument on the phone. He threatened to cancel the trip because he was afraid we'd argue the whole trip. He calmed down and we went…..had a great time, but he had an obvious wall up. We had sex while there, but otherwise it was just friendly. We talked several times about our new arrangement. He maintained that we shouldn't talk about our 'dates' that we might be having with others as it would really hurt him to hear. He asked me to be open with my feelings to him……tell him if I missed him, if I was thinking of him. Call him when I wanted to….etc. He even said he'd like us to spend time together, and "not just once a month"……..

 

On the way home, the flight was delayed twice and we were involved in a car wreck. We were tired, stressed….we argued. I was an emotional wreck!! I cried so much and he didn't know why….there was a lot going on inside of me actually. I spent the night at his place and the next morning I could tell his wall got even thicker. He hugged me goodbye as I left and said "lets just see what happens, ok?"

 

5 days later I emailed him…..friendly hello. He replied in kind, but very businesslike. He asked how I was. He told me he was going out with his friends that week. I sent a last email saying I was glad he was doing well, and that I was 'thinking of him'. No response but that's OK. 2 days later I emailed again and asked if he'd like to get together over the weekend. He was busy but could fit me in on Sunday….but I just told him it seemed he was too busy so another time. I asked him if anything had changed since we last spoke about our arrangement because he was acting differently and I didn't want to put any pressure on him…he replied:

Thanks for being sensitive to me, I appreciate that. Yes, I'm definitely still open to working on a friendship of sorts and take things as they come. I guess I'm just really easing back right now - I'm feeling like I have so much going on right now. No, you're not doing anything wrong at all, let's just keep things open (as we have been doing). Thx.

I replied "I'm glad…I miss you". Nothing back from him. I then told him I was embarrassed and he said I shouldn't be.

I decided that for the next week I would not initiate any contact. I didn't hear from him. I am going into the 2nd week that I haven't contacted him. I know this NC thing is supposed to be the right thing but I am afraid it is the wrong tactic with him!

I have tried going out with someone else and it tore me up inside! I love this man so much, it's like being "home" to be with him.

What do I do now? I just want to talk to him! I want to tell him that I DON'T want to see that guy and I want to give him all the time he needs. I am afraid that he is forgetting what caused the arguments (all his stress and the 'testing') and instead is just looking back on our relationship as 2 people that argued and thereforeeee may never be willing to give us a chance again.

 

He was always afraid I'd run. He said he had a hard time believing someone could love him as much as I did. He said (after we broke up) that he thinks about his biological mother. If she had loved him, why did she give him up for adoption?

Clearly he has issues to deal with, and he admits it. But now….he has this huge wall up! I dont want him to think I am out there "dating". I dont want to!! I love HIM!! He is the one and I have never felt this way before.

What do I do?

 

[toonsy]

PS - I'd welcome anyone to IM with me so I can talk to someone.