I need advice, how to approach the parents of my girlfriend

[Zig]

Ok first off Ill explain the situation. My girlfriend and I are both 18 and we just graduated highschool. I know that seems like were young but Ive already been with her for 2 years now and I know that this is the right thing and I know she wants it to, our problem is with her parents. More specificaly her dad. She gets treated like she is 12 a lot of times and he doesnt give her the respect she deserves. To give you an example of how bad things are I am limited to call her once per week and on the weekends. This is an improvement from when she used to not be able to call guys at all which was befor I asked If i could when we got out of high school. To say that she is shelters is an enormous understatement. We can see each other now at least on the weekends and stuff though. She is going to go to college this coming fall simester away from college and I want to be able to get her an engagement ring some time around Christmas or maybe in Feb, when I get my tax return back. Which reminds me when I buy her ring am I supposed to buy a matching one for me or is she supposed to or is it even nessery for me to have one? I figured we would stay engaged for 2 or 4 years when I can get money to pay for the wedding or we get out of college. I still dont know what to do about her dad. I mean Ive tried to be as patient with it and respectful as I can and all but Im starting to run out of patients and I dont know what to do so i figured I would try to get advice from others with experiance. Please someone help me because I am out of ideas.

 

~ZiG~

[Lightingbird]

It might be that her father is detecting your next move. Besides, she is his daughter.

A mans child is a very precious thing to keep protected. If you are serious about marrying this young woman, your next step might be best to seek out a counselor to discuss this marriage thing.

 

Marriage is a big step and even though you are playing a big engagement, you both are at the pivot able points in your lives.

 

Try talking to him more about yourself and show him that you are more of a person without his daughter. In other words, don't kiss up to him.

Be yourself. Speak of your goals in life. Search out and try to see if you have anything in common with him.

 

If you do, use that.

 

 

Please take your time.

Good luck to you.

[Zig]

Well I apreciate your advice but it doesnt really help me that much and Ill explain why. Her dad doesnt want to have anything to do with me. I was going to start going to her church every sunday morning with them but her dad told her that he didnt want to be buddy buddy with me and that if I kept coming he would eather stop going to church or find a new one, and they got him to start going so i have no choice. It really makes me mad too because I want to see her at chuch not simply for the fact of seeing her but to keep god at the center of our relationship. Im wearing a mezpah neckless right now and she has the other half. The scripture on it is Genisis 31: 49 if you dont know what im talking about. To me her dad seems to treat her like more of an object or possesion or mabey an accomplishment, epecialy after I heard today what he said to her one time that she is "bad for his heath" and that really made me mad. They dont seem to keep her brother to the same standard as her eather. Hes only 14 and they alow him to talk to his girlfriend as much as he wants and to see her regularly from what I understand and he has only know the girl for a short while so I dont know what her dad's problem is but I have done everything I can to show him that Im not a bad person. In the past few months I have gotten my own car, my full lisciense, and a good job working at walmart to please him so that I could see her, but apperently it isnt enough. His main defencive argument is that hes worried she is going to get so wrapped up with me that she wont go to college but that isnt even an issue because she really wants to go and I woudlnt let her not go. On top of that he threatens to not let her go to college so he seems to be really hippacritical about a lot of things he says.

I have thought about getting married to her for a long time now and im absolutely sure that this is what I really want. Since about the time of Valentine's day of this year Ive been thinking about it and I see my self haveing the means to do it so I am going to go through with it. Thank you for you time and words moderator. Anyone else who reads this please if you have any advice Im open to it.

 

~ZiG~

[Poltergeist]

Here is why he is more protective of his daughter than his sons, basically she can get pregent, boys can't, although they get screwed in other ways. You should rent "Meet the Parents" it might help you.

[Gilgamesh]

hello Zig

 

You need to find out WHY her dad doesnt care for you that much, I have an 18 year old daughter, and i have no problem with her boyfriends, as long as stuff isnt going on behind my back, when a boy is interested in taking her out he comes to the house and asks me or her mom.

 

If you got off on the wrong foot with him, its going to be tuff gaining his trust. he may be still under the illusion that shes a little baby and doesnt want her to ever grow up, in that case there is not much you can do, until she has moved away to collage.

[Zig]

I appreciate all of the replies, specialy the one about renting the meet the parents movie. I seen that movie and it was really funny. Her dad isnt like him though, he acts really nice in public and to other people be just seems to be two faced at home. I dont want to steal her away from her family I want to be appart of it but her dad has already said he doesnt even want to get to know me or even try to be my friend and I havent done anything for him to act that way, so I have a feeling its more or less what Gilgamesh said about him still thinking that she is a little girl. I dont think it has much to do with what you said poltergeist about him worrying about her getting pregnant because the few times that he has let us spend time togeather we were alowed to go off on our own. I have a true love waits comitment card that I carry around in my wallet that I signed on 6/13/01 which basicaly says im going to follow gods plan of staying abstinate till im married. The idea of it being ok because boys cant get pregnant is a horrible idea and really offends me. It just reinforces the idea that its ok for guys to act that way and be sexist pigs and that if they have a kid its the girls problem because she didnt say no. Its just as much of the guy's responsibility as it is the girl's That kind of thinking is very crude and selfish. Anyways, I was wondering about something, when I buy her an engagement ring am I supposed to get one for me too or is she supposed to buy one, or is it not really nessary for me to have one. Im not much on wearing rings anyways but I guess I could get used to it. Anyone else have any comments or suggestions? Sorry about all my post being long I just have a lot to say.

[Poltergeist]

It is really a tradition that only the female wears an engagement ring. My brother is engaged and only his Fiancée or Fiancé (however you spell it) wears one. But some guys do wear their own engagement ring.

[mmackenna]

This is my advice, don't jeopardize the time you are able to spend with her now! you said yourself you have a car. USE IT! lol when she gets to college, drive your little self up there when you can. She'll be a free woman, and you can see her as much as she allows time (remember she has to study too). You'll see college is a good time for freedom. And it's good that you're talking about marriage, however with how her relationship sounds, give it some major time. Think about this. I bet he's not for sure what you're doing behind his back (even though it may be nothing) He was an 18/19 year old boy once himself and he remembers what little thoughts crossed his mind. He's worried about that and PLUS his baby girl, his pride and joy is leaving him, how sad is that?

[coussen2]

As a 16 year old, I met and fell in love with the man I will be marrying next summer. He was 21 at the time. Needless to say, my father was less than thrilled, imposing outrageous curfews (10 pm) as well as phone restrictions. It was a tough 2 years, but after I graduated and moved away to college (he went to the same one) things got a lot better. THat didn't happen because I did everyhting that my father said. I ended up sending him an email, (phone doesn't work with my father because he yells over me) I told him everything that was bothering me, and how I was not going to allow him to control my life. I forced him to meet Rob, and talk with him. There was nothing that Rob could have done to change my father's mind until I let my father know how strong my feelings were for him, it didn't matter that Rob was in love with me.

Your girlfriend needs to take some initiative on this, he is her father, and it is her responsibility, sit her down and explain this. Once she moves out, she is on her own. After I told my father all of thee things, he blew up and has not paid a dime of tuition, books, car payment or anything for me. I have worked full time and been a full time student at Michigan State for the last 3 years. It has been hard, and exhausting, but with Rob by my side, it has been worth it. We have been together 5 years now, and yess, we wanted to get married right after I graduated high school, but we waited, and the wait has been worth it.

My father has accepted Rob into the family (though reluctantly). He realized that I truly come alive when the two of us are together, and now just wishes me happiness.

I would advise waiting, let her go to college, you grow a lot there. As someone who has been in your shoes, trust me, waiting is not bad at all. There were even times, after Rob graduated fro MSU and I was still there that he was working as a n engineer in Boston, andI was still in Michigan, it was hard, but tested our love and made it stronger. Now I have moved out to boston to be with him, and we could not be happier.

 

So please, give her and yourself a little time to grow and mature past high school, you may grow apart, but chances are, if your love is strong, you will grow together.

[cycle]

First of all I want to tell you that I am glad to hear that you want to wait till your married to have sex, thats good, and Im also glad to hear that you are waiting for the right reason, God. Next I want to tell you that I can relate to your situation, I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years, one of which we spent at the same college. Her dad wasnt to fond of me at first, because he saw me as kind of crazy and he didnt want me to tarnish his daughter. The difference is that I was able to get close to him by spending time at his house. I think you might want to try to get close to her mother first, and when she realizes what a great guy you are she will make her husband get to know you better. Also I would give this some time and try to make yourself more and more a part of the family. Maybe a year and then guage it next summer. But let me give you this very important piece of advice, I wouldnt be ingaged for any longer than a year, most people who are ingaged for long periods of time are already having sex, so its not a matter of waiting. It gets very hard to wait when you already feel like your married, and you know you will be soon. So if your really set on waiting I would wait until you can actually do it. Also I know you said you want to wait until you can afford to pay for the wedding, you could always get married in the court house, and just promise to renew your vows when you get older and have saved up some money. And as far as the rings go, you dont need one till you get married, and if she cant afford one, you can get a plain simple wedding band for about $60 for youself, and she can give it to you. I think that once you have made your way into the family you should make it clear to her dad how serious you are about her. By the sound of him hes the kind of guy that would want you to ask him first. But above all be patient, and talk to your love about everything. Good luck compatriot.

[cycle]

I totally forgot to tell you that I just went through the same thing. I really wanted to ask her dad before I asked her, so I took him out to lunch and insisted on buying of course. At the end of the meal I was just really honest with him, and told him how much I love his daughter, and that I want to take care of her for the rest of our lives. Her father and I have a pretty good realtionship at this point, so you might want to wait a while for that, unless your feeling bold. Also make it clear that you are dedicated to God, and most importantly pray that everything will work out, and I will pray for you too man, because I had people praying for me, and everything worked out for us.