Am I Just Too Young For This?

[Amore]

I'm not sure if anyone could give me advice on my situation, but maybe just talking about it can help me in some way.

 

My boyfriend and I hooked up when I was 14; it's the first relationship for both of us. At first we were very shy, and had in mind an "innocent" sort of relationship... holding hands, hugging, going to movies, etc. It's great, he's the sweetest guy and never fails to cheer me up and just be there for me.

 

However, as our time together grows longer, my body started changing as well. At 14, I was a late bloomer, barely having begun puberty; now, I am 16, and feel completely different. I used to think high school relationships that were sexual in any way were completely inappropriate, but now I can't help being turned on by my boyfriend. It's not something I'm proud of, because I feel like I'm too young... but both of us have stronger feelings for each other that are too hard to deny.

 

We haven't gone any farther than playful touching and rubbing, but I can't help but feel guilty. The way I've been brought up: Sexual things = Bad until you're an adult. If my mom knew what I was doing, as harmless as it may be, she would be very, very upset with me. I say harmless because I won't be going any further than playful touching, I'm saving sex of any kind, including oral, until I'm with a man I know I loves me. Key word being man. Sex should be between a man and a woman, not a guy and a girl. I'm not mature enough, physically or mentally, to accept that kind of responsibility at my age.

 

I guess my problem is that I feel guilty about the sexual feelings I have towards my boyfriend, and I don't know what to do about it. Is there anything I can do to just stop thinking this way? The guilt is driving me crazy and starting to taking a toll on our relationship. My boyfriend is very understanding; he says we can stop the playful touching, rubbing, etc. but that doesn't change the fact that we're attracted to each other.

 

Advice of any kind would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[melrich]

The way I've been brought up: Sexual things = Bad until you're an adult.

 

I am not sure about that.

 

Certainly you should not feel guilty about these feelings. They are natural, normal and unstoppable.

 

Doesn't mean you have to act on them though. Acknowledge them, don't be ashamed or feel guilty about them. When to have sex is a personal issue. don't do it until you are comfortable with making the decision, at the moment it does not sound like you are. That's OK.

[Amore]

It's not an issue of being ready for sex or not -- obviously I'm not, and won't be for a while.

 

The problem is more of the horrible guilt I feel after my boyfriend and I touch each other, even if it is in a playful manner. I just feel like I've done some terrible thing afterwards, because it's the way my parents have taught me. According to them, like I said before, sexual acts of any kind are for adults only.

 

I guess that's where my guilt is coming from.

[DN]

I agree with melrich - you have nothing to feel guilty about. If you didn't have these feelings there would be something wrong. You have an understanding boyfriend and he is not pressuring you in anyway.

 

However, a word of caution. If you do get carried away one night just make sure you use protection. That is not to say have sex, but sometimes things get a little too heated.

[melrich]

because it's the way my parents have taught me. According to them, like I said before, sexual acts of any kind are for adults only.

 

They are your parents and most parents are very protective because they love their kids very much and want only what's best for them.

 

I don't know your parents obviously but maybe it is time to have a talk with them. Do they really think kissing and hugging at your age is inappropriate and should be reserved for adults? Perhaps the message they are trying to give you is to be responsible and don't allow the sexual activity you are engaged in to go beyong where you want it to go.

 

Sex per se is not bad or wrong, as DN and I said above it is as natural as breathing.

[Amore]

My mom doesn't believe in providing protection to teenagers. She told me that giving condoms to her children would inviting them to have sex.

 

I place a very high value on my virginity, so most likely that won't be a problem until I'm older... but it's hard not to feel guilty about these sorts of feelings with my mom constantly telling me how wrong it is.

[melrich]

Well is your mom saying intercourse is wrong at your age or all sexual activity (I mean counting kissing and hugging and stuff)?

[DN]

Not to argue with your Mom, but sex is a natural and normal human function. It is not wrong as such. Be careful that you do not get hang-ups about the nature of sexual feelings - it could affect your relationships and your marriage.

 

There is nothing wrong in having sexual feelings and there is nothing wrong in waiting to have sex until you are ready - which may be after your are married.

 

Your body - your choice. Your mother is doing the best she can to protect you and she is right to do so. But eventually, as an adult, you will be responsible for making your own decisions.

[Amore]

My mom thinks kissing and hugging is alright, but she feels anything beyond that is irresponsible and something I am not emotionally ready for at my age.

[Amore]

And thank you DN, your last post made me feel a lot better. Unfortunately, my mother is very overprotective of me, and trying to "shelter me from the real world." She's convinced that all sexual teenage relationships are completely inappropriate, driven entirely by hormones, and not real love.

[melrich]

OK so at the moment all you are into is kissing and hugging so that is all OK. So your guilt feeling is really around the thoughts you are having about what you would like to do?

 

At 16 you are getting to an age where your sexual activity goes up a notch. You can't suppress that because it may give you issues around the enjoyment of sex as you get older.

 

So can you talk to your mom about it. You sound very responsible. Is it posible to have a conversation with her about how responsible you have been and how you will continue to be responsible but you need to feel the freedom to explore a bit more.

[DN]

And thank you DN, your last post made me feel a lot better. Unfortunately, my mother is very overprotective of me, and trying to "shelter me from the real world." She's convinced that all sexual teenage relationships are completely inappropriate, driven entirely by hormones, and not real love.

 

And a lot of them are like that, so she is not entirely wrong. Remember that she is over-protective because she loves you and she is very aware of all the things that can go wrong - including pregnancy, disease, loss of self-confidence, etc. Cut her a little slack, especially since you don't want to have sex now anyway. There are people your age who post on here who would give anything to have a mother who cares about them just a little.

[Amore]

My guilt is coming from the playful touching and rubbing, because I always thought that was "bad" and "wrong."

 

And no, I don't mean to blame my mother for any of this... I was just wondering if that may be a source of why I feel so guilty all the time, and I will continue to talk to her about responsiblity.

[DN]

Personally, I don't think you should feel guilty for doing that - but it is your conscience - you must answer to it.

[melrich]

I'm guessing you don't feel guilty because of teh action of rubbing and touching but more because you feel it is a betrayal of your mom.

 

So yeah, it's normal teenage activity and if you try and stop doing it you will become very frustrated and will be suppressing natural feelings you have. So try clearing the air with your mom.

[Strandysmommy]

I understand where you're coming from for sure. I wanted to wait till I was married to have sex, and failed at that. The guy I had sex with is now my ex and I felt so used and dirty.

 

That said, you shouldn't feel guilty for feelings or actions like touching. Why? Because the touching/rubbing and fooling around may be what prevents you from going all the way. It may be like the "snack" if you will, that tides you over till dinner. You, believe it or not cannot help feeling feelings of lust toward your boyfriend. You have horemones in your body that dictate it, and if you ignore them, or pretend that you don't feel like that or it's bad, all you'll do is set yourself up for a possible blow out. What I mean by that is you set yourself up to possibly let yourself go and have all out sex.

 

As long as your boyfriend knows your feelings, and RESPECTS them, then you should have no problems. I know you love your mother, and respect her wishes and all, but I would say that to have condoms on hand would be the wise thing to do...even if you don't plan on having sex. Sometimes things just happen. Just know, sex is not bad, sex is normal. Know your limits, make sure he knows your limits too. You'll be fine.

[skyteph]

You're having sexual feelings for your boyfriend, if you didn't have them, why would you want to stay with him anyway? Isn't part of being his girlfriend finding him sexually attractive? Not always acting on it but if you didn't feel that way about your boyfriend why would you bother?

[ShySoul]

Don't do anything YOU don't want to do.

 

You will have these thoughts, its part of growing up. As long as you don't act on them and do anything you don't feel comfortable with doing, then everything is fine. Your mom is only trying to do what she thinks is best, but sometimes a parents love can get carried away. She raised a great girl who is responsible and knows how far she doesn't want to go. You've also got a good boyfriend who is understanding. So listen to your heart and if you feel uncomfortable doing something, then stop. But if you are ok with it, then go ahead and enjoy.

[RayKay]

Not to argue with your Mom, but sex is a natural and normal human function. It is not wrong as such. Be careful that you do not get hang-ups about the nature of sexual feelings - it could affect your relationships and your marriage.

 

There is nothing wrong in having sexual feelings and there is nothing wrong in waiting to have sex until you are ready - which may be after your are married.

 

Your body - your choice. Your mother is doing the best she can to protect you and she is right to do so. But eventually, as an adult, you will be responsible for making your own decisions.

 

I am just going to "ditto" this.

 

I am concerned about you thinking "all sexuality is bad" (until you an adult, but often people raised this way carry the idea "sex is dirty" etc into adulthood and marriage which really can affect their intimate/emotional life with their partner. Even children/babies will touch themselves and each other - people in general ARE sexual - it how we act on that sexuality that will matter most in this case for you. Having those feelings is NORMAL, healthy and good! Only you can decide how you will act on those...don't do anything you are uncomfortable with, however do not feel ashamed for being sexual either.

 

Your are still young, over time you will set your own "compass" for what is acceptable to you or not, our parents influence our decisions, but they cannot make them for us.

[Amore]

First of all, I'd really like to thank everyone who has replied, it has really helped me feel better about the situation =) I'm relieved to know that my feelings towards my boyfriend are normal, and nothing is wrong with playful touching if it doesn't get out of hand.

 

My mom is big on watching the parenting shows on TV where they talk about teenagers and sex. Sometimes she asks me to watch them with her, which sparks discussion. We've talked about sex and oral sex, and how both come with great responsibility, and aren't appropriate for a high school relationship. However, we've never really spoken about touching and rubbing, it's a kind of a "shady area" that I don't know if is it acceptable or not at my age.

 

You're having sexual feelings for your boyfriend, if you didn't have them, why would you want to stay with him anyway? Isn't part of being his girlfriend finding him sexually attractive? Not always acting on it but if you didn't feel that way about your boyfriend why would you bother?

 

I love my boyfriend and even if we didn't have a sexual aspect of our relationship, I'd still be with him. I would still "bother" with him because he is a sweet, kind, funny guy who is always there for me. When I think of my boyfriend, I picture him making me smile and cheering me up, not touching me and giving me "sexual pleasure."

 

 

Once again, thank you to everyone who has given me advice, it really has helped.

[Tigris]

Everyone has missed one point here. It is your mother remembers what she and your dad got upto when they were young! All she is trying to do is tell you exactly what her mother told her.

 

It is not appropriate that she should have to explain her feelings or what she did at the time, etc. And is not appropriate for you to tell her what you are getting upto now! That is private!

 

It is not wrong to have these feelings, etc. It is healthy to experiment that's the only way you find out what you like and what you don't like. It is good that you have discussed the boundaries with your boyfriend and that you both respect them.

 

You have nothing to be ashamed of!

 

Take care.

[skyteph]

I love my boyfriend and even if we didn't have a sexual aspect of our relationship, I'd still be with him. I would still "bother" with him because he is a sweet, kind, funny guy who is always there for me. When I think of my boyfriend, I picture him making me smile and cheering me up, not touching me and giving me "sexual pleasure."

 

By what I said, I meant that because it's natural for you to be sexually/physically/emotionally attracted to your boyfriend, if you didn't have these feelings then the relationship would be going no where. And if that was to be the case, you would probably only bother with him on a friendship level.

[darkblue]

My mom doesn't believe in providing protection to teenagers. She told me that giving condoms to her children would inviting them to have sex.

 

I just have to say, I agree with this. I think that if you were given a condom then you would say 'Oh, Time to have sex'.

 

And what else can it mean? 'time to blow a sausage balloon'..? I think not.

 

If there is an 'emotional' tie between you and your boyfriend, there should be no need for sexual contact. As long as you don't feel like it's a duty to have sex. Or that anyone in the relationship needs it.

 

Take Care.

[DN]

My mom doesn't believe in providing protection to teenagers. She told me that giving condoms to her children would inviting them to have sex.

 

I just have to say, I agree with this. I think that if you were given a condom then you would say 'Oh, Time to have sex'.

 

And what else can it mean? 'time to blow a sausage balloon'..? I think not.

 

If there is an 'emotional' tie between you and your boyfriend, there should be no need for sexual contact. As long as you don't feel like it's a duty to have sex. Or that anyone in the relationship needs it.

 

Take Care.

 

This makes sense - except --- I would rather that, if sex does take place despite parental disapproval, a condom is used. Better that there is protection against STDs or unwanted pregnancy.

 

I told my daughters when teenagers that I did not approve of them having sex, but if they did to use protection. It may seem like conflicting advice but they understood there really was no conflict at all.

[Amore]

Wow, I really had no intention on blaming my parents for any of this. My own insecurites are to blame as well. My boyfriend isn't just my love, he's my best friend. I want him to remember our relationship by the times we go biking, running, playing video games, watching movies, bowling, etc., rather than a sexual relationship. I guess I'm frustrated with the fact that my body wants it but my mind doesn't, and by doing things such as touching and rubbing, I'm encouraging that kind of relationship. We enjoy ourselves more when we just hang out with friends and have fun.

 

 

If there is an 'emotional' tie between you and your boyfriend, there should be no need for sexual contact. As long as you don't feel like it's a duty to have sex. Or that anyone in the relationship needs it.

 

I agree with that 100%. We definitely have a strong emotional tie, and I feel there's no need for sexual contact, yet we can't help the fact that we're turned on by each other. I guess that's what frustrating to both of us. We don't want it, but it's there. My boyfriend is extremely understanding, as he feels the same way as I do on this issue, and he admits he sometimes feels guilty as well. He has never pressured me to do something I don't want to, and I'm very, very thankful of that.

 

 

And I do happen to agree that my parents shouldn't provide me with condoms... I have no desire to have sex at my age anyway, it comes with too great of a responsibility. Honestly, if my mom gave me protection, I would think she's out of her mind by even suggesting the fact that sex is okay at my age, condoms or not.