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More confused than ever...

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Well, first of all, let me start by saying that I'm very disappointed in myself... I couldn't do everything I said I wanted to do... I mean, I didn't meet my goals, and school starts next week, and I feel very pathetic because things looked to easy, and I guess I was aiming to high for what I actually CAN do... And I'm also scared that this year will not be what I was hoping for (it's senior year... supposed to be the best year in school, blah blah blah...). Anyway, the main reason I'm confused is that I've learned a lot about ppl lately... And also, well, I went back to my old country and got to hang out with my old friends... Lol, too bad I still haven't found ppl like them anywhere else and I dunno why. They just seem to really understand me. And well, I can't say I could or would go back to live there cause it just can't be done... But I couldn't help but wonder what things would've been like if I had stayed. Anyway, it's just the mixed feelings that confuse me I guess... So I guess I just needed to vent... Hopefully I'll sort this internal mess out and feel a lot better...

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For goals, especially summer goals, they were probably not too high. Usuaully I've found, with myself anyways, there is either the urge to rush in and get it done or we spend too much time thinking just how in the world it will get accomplished and may never be finished. In past years of HS summer vacation I would set up a list of many goals. Thing is, not everything gets finished or can be finished. What does get accomplished is what one can pride themself in, instead of thinking what might of been. That just ends up being a depressing thought otherwise.


Senior year, for me it was a peaceful year with everything considered. There were some good, and bad points about it. I'll make a couple points according to what I noticed during my Senior year. People became more social with one another due to the overwhelming attitude "Life ends after graduation.", essentially for us, everything we knew for those years was gone. The school. The people. The life we formed there. So in a way there was death to certain things. That was the positive aspect. In my Senior year (Of course I had my social skills more in tune than I had any other year, Ninth grade I might as well been mute) there were people who approached me and talked that never had before. I did the same approaching others I never had given a second thought of before. Why? Because most of the people I will never see again. Several had out of state plans. Others now live halfways accross the state Thanks to our state's University set up. Some I never had excellent contact with to begin and never see anywhere outside of classes. So the attitude most formed was, "Hey, I'm never going to see so and so again, why not give it a whirl on some level." So even if you made a fool of yourself, if it ended up you didn't like them or they didn't like you, the burden would go poof most likely. Whereas, if you tried, you could end up with a lot more friends and people you would of never considered before. It is almost like a free for all ride.


You have academic worries of course, you need to keep a steady GPA for University admissions. We all knew that (well except the Senioritis affected as they called it) so that was kept in check, but there was an almost unusual ease between most people. I'm not saying the year went without fights, oh no. A lot of break ups occurred because of bigger and better things outside of this little no where town everyone wanted to leave. Some people who had faked friendship with others for benefits for lack of better wording, most of those broke. Yet except those it was good. I think the worse thing that happens is when you graduate, and the friends you do make that last year all leave to go onto their own direction and everyone falls out of contact.


Near the end of the year, like a week before graduation I believe it was, confusion and saddness elements settled in for most individuals. Yet that pulled a lot of people together, you should of seen how many outtings our class had. Leaving was like a unity ribbon. The worse hit were those without any plans, no college or job plans. Nothing. For us with some sort of plan no matter how insane it may of sounded, it was better than nothing. That eased some of the mixed feelings. It may not be the best year for everyone, but it is most usually the unique taker of the four in its own respect.


As for the friends, some people we just click with and finding others like them is difficult. If you can't find any in this last year of HS which you can click with, I've found College or Work experience brings more opportunities for meeting people. College has a diverse community, you can find people of such a range there.


Thats about all I can say from my own experiences, just keep trying and working with the situation. Hope things can get straightened out and smoothed out as the end result.

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Well, you see, this time I didn't just sit around and thing about the stuff I wanted to do... I was actually working to get to those goals... I had 3 "main" goals involving myself (by that I mean stuff that would make ME feel better... you know, like when someone says "me time" or whatever, lol, know what I mean?). And I think I only got to one of those... Oh well, at least one is better than none at all...


right now I do have some friends, but still, sometimes I get the "urge" to do things and to share things I only could with those old friends (without being thought of as crazy or dumb or just plainly embarrassing myself...). Too bad we're countries appart, cause they were a great bunch to grow up with and it would have been awesome to graduate with them, etc... (yeh, they already graduated, cause where I come from, there is no such thing as 12th grade... it only goes up to 11th. But they hadn't forgotten me after like 3 years). And for now they've stuck together and I fortunately was able to see them on my short visit. And I dunno if it's the last time I'll see them together, but every since we parted ways, I've wanted to find ppl like them... And for my freshmen and sophomore years I didn't try at all to be social, but then came junior year when I moved (once again, but this time it wasn't countries, just states), and I tried to be more social, and I think that last semester was the time I've been most social in (I had at least a couple of friends in each class...) my life. And I know how good byes feel, cause I've said many and I know how the end of senior year will probably feel.


But in the meanwhile I wanted to do those things... Those little things that make me not feel like a noone that I've always wanted to do. Say, since like the 8th grade I had wanted to be in a band with friends (but then came 9th and 10th grades when I pretty much did nothing and was very antisocial)... Only this year have I started to work on it (I've been taking guitar lessons for a while, and I keep practicing for real a lot lately, and I've gotten way better, and I can even play songs of that music I like, lol, which I thought wouldn't be possible for a while). And I seriously doubt I'll have much leisure time for that kind of stuff in college, so I wanted to give it a shot this year, which is the last year before college... I dunno if it's illegal to be a little "immature" in college, but I wanted to just break free this last year just in case (by that I just mean, you know, having the look I've always wanted without giving a hoot about what others say among others of those little things... let out my inner "rocker" if you will).


Just one last show, and this time I wanted it to be what I had expected all those other years, except this time I wouldn't and won't just sit around and picture or thingk about how things would or could be... I would actually work on getting to those goals. Academics have never been too big of a problem for me, fortunately, so I'm not that worried about that area... But I'm just nervous I once again will be my usual bottled up self who can't be funny when he wants to, who can't say things he thinks about.


I dunno if half the stuff I wrote made any sense at all. But I wish I had started to work on things a little younger so I would have more time to enjoy them. Any more input or information, even tips, about senior year would be more than welcome. Thank you very much, Jinx for reading and replying.

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