Another day of Hell for me!!! Breaking up!

[OceanEyes]

Hey again TM ..

 

I understand that part of what you say here is venting and getting things off your chest. But at the same time, I think that you're heading down a really bad road. You need to find other things to do right now. Venting will help you feel a bit better, but it's not going to bring her back just yet. Only time will tell on that one.

 

If your mom is having problems at work, it may be time for you to give her a bit of a break. I'm sure that she wants to be there for you completely, but her work shouldn't be suffering. If her work is suffering, that probably means that she's not sleeping or eating properly either. That's a lot of stress to put on another human being. I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, but I felt a bit sorry for your mom after reading your recent posts.

 

Now might be a good time to take up a new interest, even if you have to force yourself. Who cares if you don't share a 'divine' connection with your friends, not everything has to be that deep. Just getting outside, doing something to take your mind off your break-up, even if just for a couple of hours, is a step in the right direction. Sitting around thinking and thinking and contemplating about this situation isn't going to bring her back - and any woman who has broken up with a man will tell you that it's much more reassuring and promising to consider going back to an ex when he's showing signs of improvement and is doing things that make him happy. The happier you are, the more she's going to consider you.

 

We're all human. You can't take back what you've done, but you can make amends and try to move on with your life. The sooner that you accept the fact that, if you two reconcile, it will be on her time, when she is ready to talk to you about it, the sooner you can breathe a bit easier and try to put things into perspective. Beating yourself up over and over again and reminding her of how hurt you are isn't going to help - are you aware that she's probably seen similar behaviour from you several times before? If you want her to listen, you have to BE the man you want her to believe you are. I'm just saying, that if I was in her shoes and I felt like you were trying to make me feel bad (even if that wasn't your intention), it would be a big step back. FIGHT the urge to tell her how hard it's been for you - it's been hard for her too! She obviously still cares for you, otherwise she would probably refuse to see or speak to you altogether.

 

The goal here is to make her feel more comfortable talking to you. In order for her to see all of those great and wonderful qualities that kept her around for so long, you're going to have to show her those qualities again - when SHE is ready to see them.

[TiredMan]

OceanEyes,

 

This is what i try to do. When I speak to her, we just talk. Last night she spoke about how I recently have felt like a bit of a stranger because she wasn't able to just "talk" to me like she is doing now. I have been trying but my heart hurts because when someone is one way for 8 years then is a bit different for 2 weeks or so, it's tough to take. Deep down, she is still the person I know. I have been talking when SHE wants and I kind of feel like it's unfair. She doesn't like to talk in the AM or afternoon when she's at work b/c then she thinks about it. She says she has trouble sleeping at night b/c she is thinking about the things I say.

 

I feel bad telling my mom these things too but I feel there is no one else I can trust in the world. In fact, there isn't. So if I don't, then I internalize it or break down talking to her. We always told each other everything because no one else understood.

 

The hardest part is you get such different advice from different people and it gets so confusing.

 

In terms of taking a couple of hours off, I have tried. I hung out with someone 2 days in a row that I hadn't previously really hung out with much before. I felt so bad like I was forcing myself on him. I have always worried about how other people view me and that is part of my emotional problems. I care SO MUCH about what others feel and think, much more than my own feelings. This is how i am. I wish I wasn't and know it's not good but I can't help it.

 

It bothers me that she didn't do the same things. When I would get emotional and stop talking to her, she would call 1000 times, write emails, text message or even show up unannounced. And I always gave in when I saw her face. My mom thinks that the longer she goes without seeing mine and having it stay on the phone, the harder it will be for me. Do you agree with that?

[LostInTranslation]

TiredMan,

 

I have been following your story over the past few days and I must say that I sympathize with you. I am going through a breakup as well. However, I feel like your ex. My ex-girlfriend treated me horribly ever since I met her nine months ago. I have my own issues as to why I stayed in it for so long. But for your girlfriend to have "put up with" your mistakes for eight years speaks wonders to me.

 

In my opinion, you can never question her love for you. For her to have stayed by your side for so long proves her love for you. My ex is just like you. When she was angry or upset, she ran away and didn't talk to me. I called and called, sent text messages, showed up to her house ... all to never get a response until she was ready. As someone who has been through this, you have no idea how much this hurts. In a way, it's a rejection and who like being rejected. For me to have put up with that for nine months took a huge toll on me and made me question myself. If you did this for eight years, I can't imagine how damaged she may be.

 

I have struggled with my decision to break it off with my ex, however I have not been tempted to call her anymore. Enough is enough. In your case, you have the luxury that she is hearing what you have to say and that she may even make efforts toward you. I think it's a great idea that you have sought out help and are willing to get to the core of why you are the way you are. This shows her that you care greatly about changing.

 

I feel like everyone else does towards your situation. You should give her space and let her see the changes that you're making on her own. I can assure you that she is just as hurt as you are, but sometimes we need to break away from the people who continually hurt us, even if it hurts us more. My ex has been on my mind every minute since I broke up with her even though she hurt me beyond belief. I guarantee your ex is thinking as much about you too. If you back off, she will eventually miss you. Eight years is a long time to just let someone go so easily. She will make contact with you because she has been. Just stop talking about how hurt you are about all this and focus on making her feel good about herself. Praise her for being so loyal to you the years you were together. Give her the same support she gave you. Being in her situation, that's what I would want. Just because it looks like people who hurt us over and over again are wrong for us, doesn't mean it's true. We still love you as if you treated us like kings and queens because of what we get from the relationship. You've told her how apologetic you are, so stop reinterating it and start showing her things will be different and better once she realizes that you're a new and improved man. When she's ready, she will commit to you again.

 

LIT

[TiredMan]

She has noticed slight changes (not as quick to lose temper) but I don't think it is how you describe.

 

She didn't stay 8 years FOR ME. I have never before had to convince her to stay. It was always the other around which I have always felt horrible about. I have tortured myself endlessly about it.

 

The one thing we have always been is honest with each other. I know for a fact we know many things about each other that no one else, including family knows. She told me last night when we spoke about who we can confide in, that she basically only confides in me. I have been holding back my feelings and asking about her more but then I have really bad dreams about it, and I wake up feeling so bad because we have always shared everything we thought.

 

Right now, I'm tempted to somehow make her see me and see my face so I can be more than just the phone. I want to tell her I miss her (but in "our" way). I have refrained but it's killing me, especially since she had no problem doing it when I was distant. I almost feel it's unfair in that why do I have to do what's "right" and now what I feel when she always did what she felt and still does to this day?

[TiredMan]

Ok so we are talking and having "good" conversations. Mostly about how her day went and a few things about feelings but nothing to in depth. I am holding back so much that it hurts. She said this past week we are talking like we used as in I'm listening to everything. I'm worried that she likes it this way that she won't want to go back.

 

We haven't seen each other in almost a month. I'm thinking I need to let her see me before my face becomes more distant. But any time I bring up seeing her in person, she says no or backs away. It's so unbearable. Should I force my way into seeing her like she used to do with me (even though she admits it was wrong, she still did it a bunch of times)?

 

She hasn't made any major changes, as far as I know, and she even sleeps with the same teddy bear I gave her still. Perhaps she doens't associate THAT with me anymore but she still does. I just want to explode emotionally though from holding back. I know if I let it all out on the phone, it won't come accross the way I want and it will just be a ton of pressure. But again, I don't want to distance us too much either.

[TiredMan]

Had another convo today, will have another one tonight.

 

I dropped a hint that I was thinking about meeting up with her to talk but she quickly said how it's bad that I think that.

 

I have been struggling every day and have been holding back and I don't think I can take it anymore.

[Demond34]

Listen to what she is saying. She said she likes it this way, b/c its the way it used to be. When she WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU!. This is progress and if you push what you are holding back onto her, then you're gonna set this situation back and push her away.

 

If you can't take it anymore, write everything you wanna say down in a letter but don't send it, but date it. Continue to do what you are doing. Slow and easy, no pressure on her. Write everyday and keep a journal if you must, but don't show her. Listen to what she has to say and she'll be around when she's ready to face you. Right now, my man, you are powerless over her emotions and feelings and you have to accept that.

 

Don't jump to soon.

[TiredMan]

I don't like these games. This is something we both used to laugh at. I think she just got so fed up and had only herself to rely on, that she now is only thinking about herself. In my heart, this is what I feel it is.

 

I worry that she likes me listening to her b/c she knows I care and won't laugh at her. She does not trust others. Almost like I'm being used.

 

But my heart is broken and she is NOT a cruel person. My heart tells me she the above reason is what is happening. She also worried at night about me doing something bad to myself b/c of how I feel.

[TiredMan]

Spoke last night for an hour and had another good convo. Nothing which would make me think it's great but still no arguing. We did speak about how I am changing my attitude though and how she used to feel. She went away this weekend so we will get a 2 day break from talking at all, unless she does call me but I'm not banking on it.

 

Man, I miss her so much every day.

[TiredMan]

Every day, I feel more pain. The type of person she is is one who is very caring. She knows I'm suffering so bad. My mind is starting to overthing and think about this stuff where I can't do anything.

 

I can't get over how sad I am. I know my temper is what initiated all of this but I feel so betrayed, as well as sad.

[TiredMan]

Update: We are still talking but anytime she feels I am turning to my old self, she acts a bit weird. Which proves to me the trust thing is still fresh. I have been trying to talk more about "not us" things but it's so painful to hold it in because we have always opened up our hearts completely to each other and no one else because no one else understood. You can only tell your thoughts to people so many times and have them either laugh or make wise cracks.

 

Man, this stuff stinks. I know how much I hurt her and I haven't slept many nights over the past few years because of nightmares of guilt that I have. I just wish she understood that my reactions during arguments were not my choice but rather reflex due to what happened to me growing up. I never want to hurt anyone, ever. But when someone knows something about me that is very deep and then crosses that part, I just lose my mind. I mean I know own fault and am even going through painful therapy. Should I take it as this being her time to try and heal?

 

If you asked me over the whole relationship up to 1 month and a half ago is this could happen, I would tell you that there was a better chance of me winning the super lotto.

[TiredMan]

Another update: We are still talking but I have gotten to the point where I can't hold back anymore. I'm telling her EXACTLY (pretty much) how I'm feeling. I can't pretend and keep it light because when I have, she saw right through it.

 

I was being indifferent and talking normally as some suggested, and she got all weird saying I sound secretive and cold. This morning she mentioned something about it only being 2 months and how I expect her to forget. I don't think she truly realizes that I said or did (notice past tense since I have been perfect since thankfully) things because of my emotional problems from childhood. I admit them, I am in therapy for them, I am finally controlling them but it just doesn't seem like enough right now.

[FCTex]

While we don't have the same story, and I didn't treat my ex bad. I have issues from the past that come into play with my relationships.

 

You can't act like they dont( I did) affect your relationship. My trust of people was shattered, and because of it, it carried into my relationship. Don't hate yourself for your problems.. Love yourself because you realize them and fix them..

 

Demond, your posts are awesome man. I'm finding alot of hope, and comfort in your words right now. My ex, wanted "space" and to "take a break". She was living at home after almost 2 years of being away at school, alone, and in her own place.. Our relationship carried over to "home" and her and I did everything together.. even worked together a few times a week.. It got us in a rut, it got boring, and eventually, things werent the way they used to be, the affection was almsot gone.. Many things contributed, but her starting a new school, new apartment, new roommates, new everything almost. And her sudden outtings with old friends, and my ways(controlling, and jealous) lead her to want a break.. I could understand it, and for a week, or so, i was just wanting to talk to her all the time. Cry, scream, beg, plead. tell her how i wanted to fix things, and try again, proffessed my love. I did everything in the book just about. I wanted to die. i wanted to wrap my car around a telephone pole. Badly.

 

But you know what. In turn, I had a self realization of myself. I daily, write down things I notice about myself. My thoughts and actions.. I write next to them, how I feel, and what I want to fix.. I've been working on them, because the jealousy, the controlling, the panic attacks, and the worrying, aren't me. they never have been. I want to get back to the man I was, but only bettered because of my ex. I'm a better person deep down, because of her, and I have to work on the things for myself right now.. I've been keeping a shaky NC with her, and she's starting to contact me more lately, taking down her guard..

 

Your story, and your TM, are helpful. Thank you. It's giving me the courage to not contact her, and to realize that self improvement is the key to success after a break up. It's a win win. If they dont come back around, which we all wish they would, your a better person for it in the end.

[TiredMan]

Guys, this is getting unbearable. She sounds like a somewhat different person right now. I always had this insecurity when we were together. Like I mentioned in another thread, I am a VERY unselfish person. I have a huge heart which is rare for a guy. If I see anyone suffering, my heart explodes. She has always known this. At the same time, we always talked about feelings for all those years (all throughout and she talked about feeling them all her life). So it was an "us against the world" mentality. When someone or something hurt her, I got her back, and tried to help. And vice versa.

 

But she is still so angry at me. That I can accept though it hurts when she gets cold. But she works in a place where the people talk a lot. She has becomes pretty close with this one girl there. They don't hang out or talk outside of work (except maybe for lunch and around work) but not when she gets home or weekends. Anyway, this woman is pregnant with her ex's baby (who she remains friends with). And I feel like it's rubbing off on her.

 

She just called me in the middle of me typing this because I text'd her that I left her a voice message and that I feel the end is near (aka im close to giving up on this) and she called me probably wondering if I meant the end of my life is near. Anyway, she keeps repeating that it has always been very tough to talk with me. And I responded that I am trying so hard to make it easier but it's very difficult when we have a bad convo and she goes to work all day and I speak to her 24 hours later and she's like "what's up" like everything is peachy. I told her I can't change myself into a different person. I can work on my temper, my anger and my inability to listen sometimes which are all being done through myself and therapy.

 

She keeps saying it's tough to talk to me and how she has always had trouble completely opening up even though she always told me there isn't a thing I don't know about her. I just feel horrible because this is all on the phone and not in person. I said that I have been blaming myself so much for my temper tantrums that I have forgotten the millions of wonderful things I have done for her and it seems so has she.

 

This doesn't seem like it's getting resolved anytime soon and I need it to be. I invested too much of myself into it and the love is still there. She knows things about my past that NO ONE (including my family) knows because we had that type of trust.

[rascal]

I have been following your story, and I am curious to see how things end up. I have recently been through a similar situation and, unfortunately it ended horribly. Just remember, you are still in contact with her. That is a huge bonus. Remember that there could come a time when you don't even have that. How would you feel then? As hard as it may seem, you CAN'T pour out your heart to her every time you talk to her. She knows how you feel, trust me. Don't pressure her into coming back to you. She needs to come back on her own terms. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But it will be worth it.

[TiredMan]

I have been following your story, and I am curious to see how things end up. I have recently been through a similar situation and, unfortunately it ended horribly. Just remember, you are still in contact with her. That is a huge bonus. Remember that there could come a time when you don't even have that. How would you feel then? As hard as it may seem, you CAN'T pour out your heart to her every time you talk to her. She knows how you feel, trust me. Don't pressure her into coming back to you. She needs to come back on her own terms. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But it will be worth it.

 

I have been pouring out how I feel to her for eight full years and so has she. I know for a fact she doesn't talk to anyone about how she feels, even that girl. She does not talk to her parents or anyone about it and bottles it inside. I just want to reach her before I lose my mind, which is coming close.

 

I almost feel like the longer this goes, the longer she doesn't see my face, the easier it gets, which is not what I want. I honestly die multiple times every day. Like I just spoke to her for 5 minutes, before she had to leave to drive her mom to a relatives house and back. I said there is something important I have to tell her. She said "tell me" but I said I can't and have her leave to go drive her in the middle. I feel like it's almost easier for her to avoid things than deal with them. She told me a few weeks ago how it shouldn't be "this hard" to be in a relationship. That hurt because I never heard anything like before from her all those years. I just don't comprehend how you can love someone and not work at things when the person knows what they did and is working on it all the time, no matter how hard it is for them. As well as the fact that I wasn't being a jerk or some guy who didn't care about her feelings, and/or was trying to get some on the side or a guy who basically was out for himself. I was none of those things and in fact the total opposite. My problem is that because of emotional background which she knows about, I used to say things or back away from talking to her when I got hurt. I know it's wrong but I thought she understood. Not saying it doesn't still hurt but still, doesn't it matter that I didn't want to do it?

[rascal]

I completely understand how hard this is. I recently lost the love of my life after 8 years. but it was the final month of "conversations" that made or broke the last 8 years. You have to realize that how you handle the next few conversations will determine if she comes back to you or not. It's almost impossible for you to see b/c you are in the middle of all this, but you must keep all your pain and misery to yourself. If you think she doesn't know how you're feeling, you're wrong. She knows. Make it easy to talk. Make it easy to see her. Forget all the drama. I KNOW IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE, BUT YOU CAN'T KEEP HAVING THESE LIFE OR DEATH CONVERSATIONS WITH HER.

 

and believe me when i tell you, i get it. i get how you're feeling. i have to live every day with the thought of her with someone else, and it is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. don't you think i think about going to see her or calling her or emailing her every day? i do. many, many, times a day. mine is a long and complicated story that i'm not going to get into, but ultimately i had to say, "be with me or leave me alone." and she would keep calling me or emailing me wanting to know where my band was playing, while still having a relationship with someone else. i finally had to force the issue and tell her to lose the guy and marry me, or leave me alone. i'm no expert, by any means, but i think you need to force the issue.

[TiredMan]

I kinda took that route (holding back feelings for a month) and it was destroying me. I know what I did before was wrong but I mean it was definitely not done because of something I wanted to do (but more because I have always had trouble emotionally due to my childhood which she knows about). I don't understand how she accepted me that way for 8 full years and then one day, it's not good enough anymore even when I'm getting help for it?

 

My fear with not talking about it is that she'll see that I'm talking about happy things now and it will just ensure that she will feel that she made the right decision. I have so much emotional stuff in my life to deal with and I had started to but my backbone (her) just pulled away.

 

But in one sentence you say don't tell her how you feel and then say force the issue. They kind of don't go together, you know?

[rascal]

by forcing the issue and stopping the drama, I mean just that. tell her there is nothing else you can do to show her how much you love her b/c you tell her every time you talk to her. ask her, "do you know i love with all my heart." she'll say, "yes." ask her, "what else can i do to prove this to you? TELL ME WHAT TO DO! do you want me to leave you alone? do you want to see me? do you not want to see me? do you want me to stop calling you all the time? tell me what you want me to do, and i'll do it." and whatever she says, good or bad, YOU MUST ABIDE BY IT. you have to understand, at the point you're at right now, there is no way of knowing what she is thinking UNLESS YOU ASK HER. evrything else is speculation. and right now you are literally guessing about how she is going to feel, depending on your actions. that is not a healthy, open, honest relationship. you need to be honest with her (which, obviously you are) and most importantly, you need her to be brutally honest with you.

 

i know that may seem contradictory. but that is what i mean when i say stop the drama. get to the point and force the issue, by asking her what she wants you to do. if she needs time and space (which she will) give it to her. let her know that if you have to prove to her how much you love her by leaving her alone, than that's what you'll do. don't let her misinterpret your silence as you not loving her. Let her know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help her be happy,

 

And dude, this is one man's opinion. it's what i would do. i am no expert.

i just think you need to ask her point blank what she wants you to do, and then prove your love to her by DOING IT. until you do this, you will most definitely drive yourself crazy. and, i can't stress this enough, i feel your pain. i know that sick to your stomach feeling that comes with the thought of losing her. keep it together, and have an honest conversation with her. good or bad, you'll know where you stand.

[TiredMan]

But at the same time, if I do go through all this and she accepts me, can I ever forgive her for abandoning me in this manner? You know what I mean? I tell her how I feel because she tells me and we always done that. I also hope that she will think about it and say "you know, I care so much that maybe I should stop thinking this way". She has ALWAYS second guessed her choices before.

[Demond34]

She won't think that way, if she doesn't get a chance to heal from the negatives of the relationship and the pressure you are putting on her by pouring your heart onto her. YOu said she is always second guessing her choices, well i'm sure she is second guessing on coming back to you.

 

You can be supportive of her but you have to back away a little and let her figure some things out by herself. With you saying will you ever be able to forgive her for leaving you, shows me that you need time to heal yourself and get over that. You are in contact with her, so don't pressure her with your emotions, she has her own to deal with. Build it back up with friendship and trust and things will fall into place.

[TiredMan]

I hear you demond but I also don't want to fall into the "friends" thing either. I can't. And I don't mean it in a sexual way either. I mean the other stuff. I don't know if I could just not know her either. It's tough.

 

I don't know if I can forgive her just abandoning me for having emotional issues. Leaving someone who is a cheater or a jerk or you just dont love each other is one thing, but this is something else. Especially since she has known all about it and importantly, WHY. I just can't comprehand that. Also not telling me she would leave. Not one mention of it.

 

Who knows what will happen. But to be honest, a huge part of me diedl. People look into my eyes these days and see it. I had 2 people tell me they look in there and I look vacant now. People who didn't know about the breakup then either.

[TiredMan]

I had to do the hardest thing in my life this morning when my mom caught me (I've been trying not to expose it much so she wouldn't feel really hurt and stuff) in one of my emotional meltdowns. She looked into my eyes and could see that I had been crying for hours and dying. I actually had to tell her (I regret it now due to her reactions and how she has always been to me) that I have been wishing I were just not here. I told her I wish she would have just killed me before I was born. I wish my ex was still my support who I can tell this stuff (and much much more) to. She was never really helpful (she's not the personality type who takes charge of anything) but she never laughed at or teased me.

[TiredMan]

As much as I feel guilt, I am starting to get frustrated. Is there a time period I should wait before I am forgiven? I just feel like the maddest I have gotten, I didn't even back away even half this long. I also can't shake this feeling of being betrayed or having her turn her back on me. The longer it goes, the stronger this feeling gets.

[L8RISER]

If you feel at all fustrated, then get angery. It's part of your recovery. My ex didn't really do anything to make me hate him, but I find that right now, even little things (for which I will eventually forgive him) make me mad. It's normal to go through those feelings, and helpful - as long as you eventually let go of the anger. The way the brain is physiologically set up, you can only feel sadness or anger, not both at the same time (the areas of the brain that produce those feelings share a nerve channel which can only be used by one part of the brain at a time.) So feeling anergy will actually block sadness.

 

It sounds like you are having a hard time dealing with this. Their is no shame in seeking professional help. People get therapy for far less significant pain. Someone leaving you is really more more painful than dealing with a death. When someone dies, they didn't stop loving you. You have a funneral for closure, and there's no way to contact them - it's over. But when your break up it's hard to let go because it feels like there is still something to hang on to. Talk to an expert if you need to - they make a living dealing with stuff like this, so obviously you're not the first.