I want to call him! Are there any consequences?

[phishgirl]

I haven't talked to my bf of 4 yrs. since Wednesday. I feel a STRONG urge to call him right now to see how his weekend out of town went. We broke up a month ago, my decision, I made a mistake, now he needs 'time to heal' but is open to talking with me. I want to be with him again SO MUCH! Is there any harm in calling him, or should I refrain? Is it too soon, or do I look desperate?

[DN]

Don't call him until Wednesday at the earliest. What seems like an eternity to you seems like a blink of an eye to him right now.

[phishgirl]

I had a feeling that's what I should ultimately do...I think a lot of posters here want to hear that you SHOULD call your ex after the breakup, as I certainly do. DN, you're SO right and wise. Thank you. My willpower is strong-I'll wait.

[PlayBrat]

DN is right...wait it out. He likely is expecting to hear from you....since he knows you now regret your decision. Most people find it annoying when someone says one thing then does another...it makes you seem weak and flaky. I am VERY guilty of being that way in the past. We ALL have our moments of weakness..believe me, I wish I had found this site a few years ago....lol I would have learned SO much more..and would have saved myself a lot of heartache. Listen to the advice here...believe me it does help.

Another thing you might want to do... while I am posting ....is to distract yourself with other things. I am going to start volunteering soon. It is very beneficial..it makes you feel like you are doing something worthwhile and good. This has been a VERY theraputic thing for me during past breakups.

It fills in those "empty" times as well....

Keep us posted

[phishgirl]

Thanks, PlayBrat. I know I've been flaky and indecisive about the whole thing with my bf. Now I know for sure I want him, no question. He'll never have to second guess my love for him, ever again, as I know what it's like to be without him. No more mistakes-I'll check up with him on Wed, and take it from there, good or bad.

[Hope75]

Why did you break up with him in the first place?

[phishgirl]

He began to get very jealous and controlling when I went out with my work friends, whom he does not like. Now I know it was insecurity, which we discussed after the breakup. I began to feel suffocated and trapped; I'd barely been able to go to my apt. and shower on the weekends and have "me" time for a few hours. In turn, I began to lose interest in having sex with him, as I resented him for suffocating me. (Now, I'd give anything for it back...)

[Echo]

You'd give anything to feel "suffocated' again? Wow.

Seriously...has HE admitted to being wrong or wanting to

for the better ? Insecurity and jealousy are traits that eat away

at the core of a relationship. Being involved with someone like that

is pretty destructive. Are you SURE thats what you want?

[Hope75]

He began to get very jealous and controlling when I went out with my work friends, whom he does not like. Now I know it was insecurity, which we discussed after the breakup. I began to feel suffocated and trapped; I'd barely been able to go to my apt. and shower on the weekends and have "me" time for a few hours. In turn, I began to lose interest in having sex with him, as I resented him for suffocating me. (Now, I'd give anything for it back...)

 

You would give anything back to be suffocated and controlled? Why? Let me let you in on a little secret: If you didn't like the way things were before, you won't like them if you go back. Sure, it will seem nice, all that attention for a few weeks, but then that suffocated feeling will begin to creep back and you will be as unhappy as you were before.

 

If this is going to work out for you two, you need to ask yourselves, "what has changed since we broke up? Have the things that drove us apart been resolved? Will they crop up again if we try to get back together? How will we handle that if they do?'

 

Your ex sounds as though he has some major insecurity issues and he needs to work those out before you even consider taking him back. Although to you at times it may seem like he cares so much he needs to know where you are at every moment, make no mistake about it, that is very controlling, and it is wrong. Obviously you felt something was wrong or you would not have left him, right?

 

If nothing has changed, (and it doesn't sound like it has) than you are going to feel just as smothered if you go back, and you should, no one should need to keep track of you 24-7, not want you to go out and spend time with friends on by yourself, or not let you go home to shower. That's very controlling, and a pattern that usually leads to abuse.

Major red flag.

[Echo]

Ditto on what Hope said......

 

Major red flag....

[DN]

You have addressed these issues that Hope raised in your previous posts and have been advised that they do need to be sorted out - and you said that you were confident that they would be. I assume that is still the case?

[phishgirl]

Yes, I am very aware that this was my main reason for the breakup-I felt like my wings had been clipped. We talked about our separate opinions about the whole situation, and agreed we'd both reacted ineffectively. HE admitted he was controlling, but said he'd never been in a situation like that before, when I continued to go out without his approval of my friends. He acknowledged that his behavior was pushing me away.

 

I, on the other hand, was wrong as well. He was afraid my friends were trying to break us up, and that he was competing with them for my attention. I was caught in the middle. He wondered at times if I would cheat on him; I told him no, and he trusted me. To appease him and to respect his feelings about these people, I agreed not to hang out with them. Well, I DID anyway. I said this again to him, that I would stop. But they're so much fun and I did NOT feel they were trying to break us up. My little white lies about who I'm hanging out with affected him greatly as well.

 

We know communication and honesty are key, and we're definitely learning from our mistakes.

[phishgirl]

I felt his REactions were in response to my actions. I said one thing, did another. What I did wrong was this. I was not honest with him.

 

Now I feel that if I'd just TALKED to him about it instead of breaking up with him, we could've resolved the issue. But overdramatic me did the extreme, and this is what I regret.

 

If you guys were in my bf's place right now, would YOU take me back? Are my actions and behavior unworthy of forgiving?

[confusedashell]

My wife should read your posts. Shes acting is real hast to finish us. One week its all fine, then one night its over. No problems that TALKING wouldnt have fixed. well, she aint out just yet..but pretty much. I cant do anymore.

[Hope75]

 

I, on the other hand, was wrong as well. He was afraid my friends were trying to break us up, and that he was competing with them for my attention. I was caught in the middle. He wondered at times if I would cheat on him; I told him no, and he trusted me. To appease him and to respect his feelings about these people, I agreed not to hang out with them. Well, I DID anyway. I said this again to him, that I would stop. But they're so much fun and I did NOT feel they were trying to break us up. My little white lies about who I'm hanging out with affected him greatly as well.

 

We know communication and honesty are key, and we're definitely learning from our mistakes.

 

If these friends were't trying to break you up, why didn't you introduce your bf to them at the time and all go out together? What made him feel like they were trying to break you up?

 

You lied to him about it, and that is a good reason not to trust you, but I don't think you should have to give up friends because of his insecurity issues.

 

It's irrelevant whether or not we would take you back, we don't know all the circumstances, and we are not him.

[phishgirl]

They've tried to get me to go out with them particularly on weekends when he's out of town. He believed they did not want him to come with me when we hung out. He was always invited, but I stopped bringing it up because he felt unwanted. He felt they were people of bad character because they still hung out with the 'jerk' who insulted him. I never saw it that way, but could see how he became so suspicious.

 

So, I'm dying to call him, but I have no idea what he's thinking. Truth is, we played pool last Wed and had a few drinks (in agreement before this that it does not sway his decision) and I stayed the night with him. He told me how much he missed me, we feel so right together, etc.

 

Any ideas what may be going on on his part?

[Hope75]

Truth is, we played pool last Wed and had a few drinks (in agreement before this that it does not sway his decision) and I stayed the night with him. He told me how much he missed me, we feel so right together, etc.

 

If this is true, don't you think he would have called you by now?

 

I honestly wouldn't be sleeping with him without a formal commitment from him. Otherwise he gets 'the goods' without having to do any of the work.

 

As for the friends, if you invited him and he chose not to go, that does not mean that you shouldn't hang out with them, or that he should make you feel bad about hanging out with them.

 

You should not have to give up friends to "appease" him. If you do, where will he draw the line next?

[phishgirl]

Well, I didn't really expect him to call me back. We'd talked about doing so earlier in the night, and he told me he didn't want to lead me on by it. We joked that "exes make mistakes like that all the time!". Though he did mention his feelings for me that night, I'm not putting too much into it, as this is what we'd agreed.

 

What he'd told me when we discussed getting back together, he said "I'm just tired and drained". (He has other stuff going on in his life, compounded by this breakup: friend's father dying, his company is closing down and he needs to relocate to the west coast if he wants to stick with this job, his step-grandmother died the same week as his friend's dad, his brother broke up with his gf of 8 years a week before we did)

 

He told me he's had to come to depend on himself because I wasn't there for him when all this was going on-I was creating space for myself without letting him know how I felt. Now he says he's too emotionally and physically drained to even think about us.

 

He told me he's so drained, it's going to take a long time to heal. He said he WANTS to be able to get back together, but feels he has to protect and look after himself right now.

 

At one point I'd asked him if he'd move without me (we were planning to move to his hometown in the fall-now, for his job). He said, "Would I, or will I?" I wasn't sure what he meant. He then said, "Would I move without you? Yes. I've already though about that. Will I? I don't know." His co. closes next May.

 

I had two picture frames with him in them, which I'd taken down two days before he came by. He took a double take when he noticed they weren't there any more. He said my pics were still up in his apt.

[phishgirl]

I know I can't/won't wait around forever to make his decision, but of course I'll always retain hope as I move on, hoping he will have decided to get back together.

 

Currently we're on great terms;we've been making fun of ourselves for the things we said to each other during the breakup. He says he doesn't want me to NOT talk to him for a while. What's a healthy level of contact for me to maintain with him?

[DN]

Whatever you both feel comfortable with. Keep it light and friendly and don't get into heavy relationship stuff.

[phishgirl]

A question or two...

 

1) Is it more beneficial to do NC for a while in my situation despite the fact he's said the lines of communication are open?

 

If not...

 

2)I've been planning to call him on Wed. Should I instead wait until he calls?

[phishgirl]

Well, never mind about the last questions. I called him around lunchtime today, and asked whether he'd gone yet (this is something we used to do when I got out of work early-today was one of those days). He said he'd just eaten with a couple of guys he works with, and kind of said a dissappointed , "awww" and said he was sorry. I ended the call quickly, saying, "Ok, well I'll talk to you later then," as I wanted NO pressure on him. He said the same.

 

Well, around an hour or so later he called me back (I was surprised) and asked me where I was. I was at the bookstore by his house doing some work. He said he'd stop by for a while.

 

He came by, and we talked for around an hour or so, catching up on the last week. Then we talked about the hellish weeks we've both had separately, and connected with each other then. We talked about all the things we'd wanted to do recently, but hadn't because they were things we always did together.

 

He invited me over to hang out for a while, but I said I had to see my therapist soon (I'd started seeing her after we broke up-she's worked wonders), and he suggested later, taking it back, saying, "Well, we probably shouldn't hang out after you see your therapist.)

 

Anyway, ended on a good note, we had a long, tight hug and he kissed me on the forehead and said, "Talk to you in a little bit".

 

A good sign, I guess. I'd told him I'm here for him. I told him I love him and he said, "Me too".

 

So, a confusing meeting. Not putting too much thought into it, but it certainly seems hopeful. Just an update, if anyone's interested. Comments welcome!

[Hope75]

Sounds like therapy is definitely helping you, do you suppose he'd be open to going with you, and maybe you could figure out ways together to communicate better and resolve some of the things that drove you apart, like his insecurities and controlling nature, and you lying to him to go out with friends and that made both of you feel?

[phishgirl]

Well, before I broke up with him, he agreed to couples therapy to deal with our issues, but now, I don't know if it's necessary. My therapist has been helping me improve my assertiveness with him, to stand up for myself when dealing with conflicts as they arise, as this was my weakness before we broke up. It's mainly to work on myself first, and to be a stronger person, as he has a strong personality himself.

 

Of course, I acknowledge that we probably both would benefit from couples therapy, but at this point, my going alone is most helpful to me, in learning how to confront him with my needs.

 

All along he's been aware about the situation between my parents which very much resembles our relationship (my mom met my dad when she was young, married him, and now she's felt she's 'missed out' on certain things in life since she was so young-however, difference is, I no longer feel that about my ex). He believes I'm on the same path as my mom-she moved in with me for the summer 2 years ago to separate from my dad, though they're still together now-28 years. She's felt at times like she married too young and missed out on life, and feels that she doesn't love my dad as much as she should (as much as he loves her).

 

I think ultimately he's worried that way down the line, that I'll do the same as my mom has. Well, I'm not exactly in the same situation as her, as she was trying to escape her selfish, alcoholic mother. My mom is very supportive and loving, not an alcoholic.

 

How can I assure my ex that I'm not having regrets like my mom?[/b]

[confusedashell]

I can relate to this and in a lot of ways my ex wife (wow..its only been a day and its werid to say ex) felt like your mother did. She'd always say to me "it feels so bad thatmy whole life is planned out for me already". Even though it wasnt, we make our own choices of what we do, nothing is planned. So now she's regressed to the age of 23 again and gone..well, quite frankly - insane. I CAN understand that feeling though, I had it for awhile, saw my friends making trips to another country, going out, getting wasted, having fun. They didnt have any real responsibility, didnt have to worry about two other people all the time. I envied that. I had moments where I dounted if I should be in a relationship like this, if I really loved my wife and wasnt just afraid to leave, if I really wanted to wake up in 15 years and think I should have ended it. But just one day, she'll do something or my son will do something and it's all as clear as day then, how much I love them and couldnt be without them.

 

But I think I always had some fear about our relationship and some of it was brought on by the fact that her father just cheated on her mother so much until her mother kicked him out and left him. 20 years ago. I was nervous that it would just repeat itself. I dont think there was any cheating involved, but she just probably woke up one day and thought "is this really what I want? Husband, child, family...I'm only 27! and just paniced and after that any problem, any little stressful situation in he rlife was my fault and our relationships fault so she started to emotionally walk away from it all.

 

The thing is once you finish something - it'll hardly ever be the same again. The trust is just gone. The other person is questioning your motives for coming back. They feel like the next breakup is just around the corner.