My story the condensed and updated version Help!

[confusedashell]

Ok, its been a week now since my wife told me she didnt want to stay in the marriage and to be honest I'm still as confused as ever as to what to do or where I stand. I need some outside, cold, logical input I think. Anyone we know says "it'll work out" but I cant just listen to that nonstop.

So I just thought I'd condense it all into some points and would appreciate anyones opinion.

 

1. Married, 5 and a bit years. 4 year old son. Met, fell in love. We both felt like and said we were certain this was IT. I still feel that way. until recently we both still said the same thing. That we wanted eachother forever and no one else.

 

2. Moved to her homecountry from the UK to help her finish her studies. I left a good job and stable lifestyle. Worked pretty meaningless jobs almost around the clock on unpredictable salaries. She had a study loan which mean we had a LOT of money worries. Stress was a big factor. The last six months I started to suffer from depression not knowning what was going to happen in the future with me. became irritable. hard to live with. fought over idiotic things a lot. i hurt her. She says I didnt show her I loved her and that i took her for granted. I just wasnt feeling good about myself and lashed out at her.

 

3. Everything seemed fine. Never had sexual problems, cuddled, kissed. Nothing seemed wrong. We didnt spend enough time taking care of ourselves as a couple. We either worked/studied/slept/took care of the kid or just watched TV. We didnt do enough things together. Esp in the last year. It couldnt really have been helped with the situation. made plans for the future. A few weeks ago planning on getting a new apartment. Fixed up our apartment now. spent a good deal of money on it. So there was plans, nothing felt odd.

 

4. Last month we "break up" but are back together after a day. The usual stuff. Then a week ago we get into an argument and thats it. She drops it "I dont want to do this anymore. I dont think i have those feelings for you anymore." The 'ol "love you but not in love with you" thing. Fast and quick. I asked if there was someone else (due to the speed of it) she swears there is not. I tell her that this is what marriage and long term relationships are: hard work. we have to work on it. we havent. we need to fix that. spend more time together. I said I had felt like I didnt love her either at times, like I wasnt attracted to her. But it was stress and resentment of the situation that was the problem - not her. I askedif it could be the same thing. She said she doesnt know or maybe doesnt think so.

 

5. Her reasons are more or less stated above. She added that she needs to spend time living alone. That she never had that. She needs to have a life without worrying about another person and if they will get angry for some reason. She needs to focus on her.She says meeting me turned her life upsidedown, she got married and had kids which is something she always thought she'd never do. She wants to be able to go away on trips with her friends, not worry about someone who will say something againist it (I never have actually! the money has though).

 

heres the bit thats got me confused

 

6. She says its over. Then still calls me by our "petname". She didnt appreciate me calling her by her real name and not the "petname". She doesnt think there is any rush with divorce. She hasnt really told anyone. She says we're soulmates. Go real well together. I'm the love of her life. That sooner or later theres a very big chance we end up together again. That if she wants a relationship in the future, she hopes it will be with me. We still had sex, kissed and she still says "I love you". I todl her I bought her flowers but they'll be dead when she gets back, but she was (at least seemed) real happy about it. She knows I was depressed and thats why I was the way i was. This has been going on for a few months she says, about as long as I was depressed, but she still loved me and wanted to be with me up until a couple of weeks ago. She loves me and cares for me more than anyone. But shes not sure if she loves me in "that" way. I tell her that its probably built up resentment over the last few months because I was an ahole. You cant love someone that much for so many years and suddenly stop. She has been away a few days now and even thugh says its over has called me twice a day. For what reason, your guess is as good as mine.

 

7. I've tried a lot now. Told her how much i love her. Told her that i know I messed up but that I always meant what i said - I want to be with her forveer. I love her more than anything. That all this woke me up from my depression like a sledgehammer. Showed me what was important and what was not! She seems unsure. Not there but not out. I ask what she wants to do. Says to me that if we stay together now we wont last six more months. She wants to live alone for anything up to a year and then see what happens, that we could try to fix it then. That thats our best chance to stay together. Shes not interested in having a relationship. Not even thinking about a man. In my I guess, paranoid state, I guess that means she's not ruling out meeting someone else in that time. She says she is worried that the last few weeks she does see men that she thinks look attractive and would do something with (i.e. sex) if she was available. Still tells any man that comes up to her shes married and has a kid. This happened latest, last week. I todl her is perfectly natural to see who is attractive or not. She says its worrying. She didnt do that with me before for the last six years. I took that a little badly. She says it came out wrong and I shouldnt get hung up on that.

Told her I could do this break thing depending how we did. If we are doing it for the good of our relationship then I'll of course wait around and do whatever it takes to fix this. We BOTH agree that we DO have something special and that all of our problems are fixable. But shes not sure if she wants to fix them. I dont get that. I want us to live separate for a few months and see eachother as boyfriend/girlfriend. doing things for OUR relationship and not the "family". I dont want it to be about the daily humdum of life and kids. We both fell very deeply for eachother and stayed that way for years until i started to develope depression, so I dont see why we wont feel like that again. If only she has some faith in me, trusts me and lets me back into her heart. I'm worried that she has shut me out and that thats for good. it makes me sad because I really dont think that we should waste what we have because of a few bad months and problems that are easily fixable. I wonder if she is just not mature enough for this marriage (Im not trying to be smart or mean, I seriously think that).

 

8. some of her reasons are (and all related to my depression): I make her feel uneasy because I get angry too easy. I cant take one day at a time and worry and stress too much. She is nervous when she comes home incase Im real down and angry. Worried that I will critise her (ok, i do when we argue, she does the same to me). She says she's always tired because I want to talk at night and she needs to sleep to get up with our son (this happened occasionly. I work a lot of nights or sometimes days and nights in a row without sleep - I'm tired. My depression also made me feel so bad sometimes that i couldnt get out of bed. I am wrong here. I told her that that depression is gone. I'm dealing with it.) and (I think) that because of all this and this resentment that she says she's not in love with me "like that" anymore. That she doesnt find me as attractive as she did before. I told her I felt the same about her. Sometimes for weeks on end, but that its the situation that makes you feel like that. Plus the fact that we dont DO anything TOGETHER! we dont spend time together as a couple. She always tells me how she LOVES to go out with me, that she has soooo much fun out with me. And I tell you that anytime, even uptil VERY recently, when she goes out (or when we did manage to get out together), she always comes home wanting sex from me and telling me how sex has never been better with anyone else ever. She says our bodies fit perfectly. So this not attracted thing is very recent.

 

Well i think thats the main body of it. The details are scattered around the "breakup" section of the forum. But in all honesty, I'm confused. I dont want to walk away from a perfectly good marriage that had some problems that could be fixed. We didnt cheat on eachother, we dont kill eachother..its just smaller things.

I want to make it clear that i am NOT using my depression as an excuse for anything. But that when I was at my worst, that its just NOT me. I couldnt go out to meet friends, I couldnt get out of bed. I didnt even feel like taking a shower. I had a hard time even concentrating on ANYTHING. I felt bad, worried, i felt no good. It all spiraled out of control. I let it get that way, and I didnt know how to handle it. But I am on top of it now. I cant lose my family over that. I think I am a little angry now though that because of this she wants to end everything. Its times like that, when you feel worst, that you need your spouse/girlfriend/whatever to be there for you the most. Not as an exuse. I have made all this sacrifice for her to get what she wants. I have stood by her and our relationship through times when most people would have ran a thousand miles away. I always loved her. I always will.

 

Please, if someone can take the time to read this and tell me if they have some advice or ideas. I dont know what to do now. I feel like I cant do anymore than just be there for her. But i dont want to sit around either if this really is the end. I dont know if I should keep showing her how much I love her, how sorry I am and how I know that 98% of our problems was me and that depression. She even agreed with me on that. But I dont know, i think she is too scared now of getting hurt again, that it will all go back the same. Has she just shut me out of her heart?

[spiderman_56]

Have you ever seen Scarface ? It teaches a very valuable lesson ...

Tony Montanna started from scratch , he kept his emotions in check, learned from the others , understood how the 'game' had to be played and studied it to the very last bit ..Eventually it payed off he had it all , women , men and power and like most giants it went all to his head, his emotions overran his logic , greed , fears , jalousy took over and he ended up like a rat.

 

Stop blamming yourself , stop crying , stop pitying yourself over it . You may have screwed a few things but that's the past , you can't rewind, go back and fix them , all you got now is the present and the future , so let the past sorrows, mistakes be the past...just remenber the lesson ...Women need to be constantly taken care,reminded that they r beautiful and that they are appreciated.

 

Now the greatest task you have to complete is to feel at peace with yourself ...put her in 'standby' mode , focus on yourself , buy video games , play sports (my favorite) go out a lil bit , face your emotions and you got to remenber you were born without her and lived a great deal without her , she is not crucial to your well beeing.

 

Stop the sex, the I love you , the attitude of the guy that take any crap from her or you quickly go from husband to 'intimate' friend and the truth is that no woman will make their f*** buddy their husband, Don't call her , don't be too available , when you get in contact with her , be pleasant , be nice and don't bring anything about 'us" ... no matter how deeply you feel about her you can't force her to return the feelings and you will be a fool to jeopardize your feelings for a girl who keeps crushing your feelings and only care about her well-beeing.

 

Remenber , keep your emotions in check and 'luv' yourself ...don't jeopardize your well beeing if she doesn't treat you right. 0X

[confusedashell]

You are totally right and I guess I know that thats what I have to do. its just hard to do that when this is a mariage and a family with a small child in the mix and I still have some questions that need to be answered. But I know I gotta just leave them and walk away, let her get her head together and see what happens. I guess I just dont want to be standing at the sideline and do nothing while all this, wife and family, just slides past. Dont want to sit here in 5 years and think "if only I'd done..". The thing is she IS that kind of person, or at least has become that person who needs a lot of reassursances. We spoke yesterday and after we hung up she calls back five mins later really well..sad. I ask whats wrong and she is worried that I'm upset with her, angry at her. For what reason I dont know. I didnt think I was angry, didnt feel like that. Guess in some ways I know shes just out, but sometimes I think shes just not totally out.

But you're right, just walk away. If she comes back then great. If not well theres not much point in me beating my head against a brick wall. I guess I'm just surprised that she gave up on this and us and walked away from all this with really no fight or with seeminly really little insterest. Its one thing if it was just us and we came from the same country, but when there is kids involved...I guess I just expected more of a fight for this.

[gardens]

I've read your posts and am sorry for the heartache you're going through. From a woman's perspective...my take on this is that both you and your wife are quite stressed out, dealing with a young child, financial issues, her being in school, and your--I assume--clinical depression. It sounds like your wife is just tired of everything, and she knows that you're not strong enough to just walk away...it seems pretty manipulative on her end. Since you are still very much in love with her, the good news is that you will continue to have some type of relationship with her because of your son. If I were you, I think I would take a deep breath, and take a step back, and focus on your health and well-being. (Are you being treated for your depression/anxiety issues?) And do everything you can to be the best father you can be. Women want to be with men who make them feel safe, who they can laugh with, and who love them for who they are. You sound like a very caring person...start right now taking care of you!!