Help !! I want to leave him - but Im scared and not sure..

[Indy500]

To give you an idea of what I have been through for the past few years, please take the time to read some of the letter I wrote to my husband in January of this year. It is now June and I have had it. I asked him to leave 2 weeks ago but he refused saying he will prove to me that he can change and earn my love and trust back. I don't know if I can or want to and if it is just more waste of my time, enery and self. I get so confused with what I want as we have a 5yr old and 11 month old. I am scared of the aftermath and the big change. I know what I need to do - but can I do it? I start to blame myself and think that I should just stick with it and try AGAIN to make it work. But I don't know how because I feel nothing inside. Help!! Read the below and you will get a good understanding of what has been going on:

 

I have wanted to talk to you – but Im so afraid of the fighting, when I have feelings and I don't feel I can discuss them without there being a big problem.

 

If you want to know what would make me happy, 1st you need to really listen to what makes me miserable. It will be rather lengthy, so it may be a good idea if you went out and read it so that you had time to let it sink in. That way you don't think you have to react or respond right away because I am here. None of this is being said to be mean or to hurt you – this is how I feel and what is going on with me inside. Please understand that my feelings are important to me and unfortunately this is how I feel.

 

I love you very much, but there are things that you have brought into our lives against my wishes time and again. If you remember the talk we had before I came out here, I really made you aware of my feelings and my standard, ethical codes etc. I really meant every word I had said and still do – my standards mean a great deal to me.

 

I tried to really let you know my feelings about being very anti-drug and not wanting anything to do with anything on the subject. You promised that you were turning over a new leaf and would stop puffing as well. Last week our innocent 4-year-old son came out of the bathroom with your pipe in his hands and asked what it was. Do you have any idea how much that sight has branded my memory. To you it may seem like no big deal – but to me, it scares me. He has been introduced to it although he doesn't know what it is – to me his innocence has been compromised.

 

I already dealt with the fact that you started smoking pot again when I came back when you promised you wouldn't. That's past and I have to some degree come to accept it. Then I found out that you started selling to your friends – although it was just small amounts to get yourself something – you were still dealing and as I had told you in the past – that really, really bothered me. No matter what I said, this continued. We had people calling and coming to the house for it.

 

It continued and got progressively worse. We fought and we fought, but nothing ever really changed. Then you started selling your pills and then stole money from me to buy some back. You creates elaborate stories on why you needed it – which were false and many other times, just took the money. From this it helped to create a serious situation with our financial responsibilities and put a huge distance in our relationship. The amount of fights we had over this, the amount of time you have begged my forgiveness and promised that it wouldn't happen again – produced absolutely no change. Things remained the same.

 

I know that you feel diferently on a lot of these things, but realize that this has been your lifestyle since you were younger. That's how you grew up, that's the type of people you were around and that's the life you choose. That wasn't the case and never will be for me.

 

I would have never gotten myself into the situation that our family is now in – but I am left with it being in my life because you refuse to stop it all. I battle with my insides between what I can put up with and the kind of life I cannot be a part of and the man I so desperately love.

 

Not to mention – the pill poppers that you sell to, you say they are responsible for what happens to them – but that's not true. If something happened to them YOU would be responsible and I would also hold myself responsible because I wasn't strong enough to stop it.

 

Doing the above has put me and our family at risk – but you seem to see that risk as being so small that it becomes insignificant. To me any risk to our family is a big one, especially when it comes to drugs. I never want there to be a chance that our kids are taken away or that I am arrested when I am innocent of all this – but because I am your wife and they can charge me if they wanted.

 

You have brought sellers and dealers into our home and our lives. Your phone rings off the hook with them and you have attempted to invite them over to celebrate the New Year.

 

This isn't even getting into what you have done to yourself with the pills and taking so many and how that has effected the person you are and have become and how it has greatly effected this family and those who love you. The night after x-mas really scared me, as well as your brother and mother. Your mother didn't want to leave me for fear of what you could do not being in your right mind. There was actually fear there for our safety – even though sane you would never hurt us. But this is because of what you decided to do with mixing meds and alcahol.

 

Not only do you abuse the meds you get, and use pot, but on top of that, you hate life, look at life with your fists up and see almost everything and everyone in a negative light – but you have said over and over again that we are your only reasons for living. Think about that for a minute. That cannot continue.

 

I was full of free life, positive outlooks and a bright look towards my future. I can and still do see the silver lining in everything and try to make the life I have as good as I can. That is why things seem totally okay with me most of the time, because I don't want to dwell in what is wrong all of the time – I can't suffer every day and be miserable – I don't allow myself to.

 

That has started to change recently. I am depressed a lot at work as I start thinking about everything. From that I actually feel like IM going to be sick. I have on occasion had anxiety attacks where I have to go into the bathroom and chill myself out because just thinking about it all does that to me. When I'm home, I try not to think about it all because I want Austin to see a happy mommy and a mommy that loves him. He is now surrounded by enough negativity even if he doesn't notice it all – I don't want him to feel it at all. He already feels enough of it from me when I can't help but seem troubled, anxious and irritated.

 

I feel like my standard s, values and sense of me and what I believe in has been disregarded, belittled, not taken seriously, and stomped . I feel I have lost so much of who I am. I can't continue like this and I can't continue to allow our children to have this type of life. I feel our lives are surrounded with so much of the things I hate and that they don't deserve.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, but because this is how I feel: I feel that the moment I came back, our dreams shattered because they were based on Pie in the Sky, false promises, misconceptions and a dream of what we wished could be. It wasn't based on the true facts of your life and what the future held. Over the 5-6 years we have been together – everything that I told you were never to happen – has happened. Everything that I didn't want, is the life we now live. The main joy and happiness that you and I have created are two beautiful children who are the greatest gifts you could have ever given to me.

(Deleted some to shorten)

This is the short version – but it will do for now. This is what I want, this is what I need – this is what we deserve. You have to understand that I know you don't mean to do all of the things intentionally in terms of hurting me – but you hurt me none-the-less. I know you love me, but you haven't shown it with the things you souround us with knowing how strongly I feel.

You are a wonderful husband when you feel up to it and a wonderful father when you are feeling well. You are the greatest help when you have the strength and I am so very grateful for all of it. However those things get overshadowed by everything else. Those other things effect how you handle and do everything.

 

If you really love me, you will do all of this without question. If you really read the above and really listened, you would see how much this has effected me. If you really step back and look at everything – you will see how all of this has effected all of us.

 

The pills have to go. They are going to keep you tempted and they will eventually kill you. Did your mother tell you that she heard that one of Dr Price's patients on those meds recently hung himself! Yes – well you already tried something similar and now it is time to turn things around.

 

I hope you see this in the way it is intended because I can't keep grabbing onto the little things I see in you that I fell in love with all over again. That's is what I do. I am so full of anger, grief and disappointment that I am really having a very hard time finding my way back to you in my heart. I try and I look deep or I grab a hold of something that gives us happiness and try to hold onto it for dear life. I try so hard to swim back to us – but with everything that is going on – I feel the salt water choking me overtime. - deleted rest of letter for shortness.

 

 

So, can someone help me. Iam so confused and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders...........Im worried about my children and what will happen if we split up, the effect on them.......but also the effect on them if we stay. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel I need this for me - but I just don't know how.

 

Help...............

Indy

[bzborow1]

Sorry to hear what's happened to you, and the feelings you've been having. It really is a tough situation, and because it's marriage it makes it really hard for posters to make any suggestions. I think from your letter, and the fact nothing has changed, you know what you have to do.

 

I wish you the best...maybe it didn't work out between you two, but maybe you doing this will help him finally better himself for your children's sake.

 

Good luck!

[Indy500]

Thank you for that. It does help. Even if you didnt really suggest anything. It helps to have some encourangement. But let me ask you something very stupid - Im not crazy or a 'bad wife' or 'unloving' for wanting to leave right? It's okay for me to want to get out of a situation like this for myself and my kids...........I shouldnt have to stick with it and just try to help him the best I can right? I guess I am so confused about things that I doubt myself.

I know that I want him to have the best possible relationship with the kids no matter what happens. I can do that - Im not the type to use the courts or anything and won't even want any money from him as support. I just hope he doesnt use them to get back at me - I hope he loves them enough to rise above and become a better person because THAT is what they need from him. A better father who can act as an example and teach them right from wrong, respect, loving youself, "say no to drugs", morals, ethics and all of that. Im not just whinning?? Right? I guess I just need to be validated on my thinking because I think it is right - but yes -being married makes it harder all around.

Thank you so much - I hope you don't have red eyes from all of the reading you had to do!! (smile) I am keeping my chin up through it all to some degree - but finding this site was I think a God Send!