Oral and Anal sex - Lack of intimacy?

[Puddin]

I'll try to be as clear here as possible but feel free to ask questions. I'm really looking for some feedback here and hope that you can help.

 

I signed up for an internet dating site and began a month long conversation relationship with a man who temporarily lives out of the state that I'm in. He made it really clear that he was "into me" and came here to see me and get some stuff done about three weeks ago (he has another week left before he goes back). His plan is to finish out his contract and come back here to be with me.

 

He was very up front with me that due to a medication and medical condition he has, he has a really hard time getting an erection and needs to take viagra in order to have sex. After reading up on Viagra, I thought that maybe this didnt need to be an issue and decided to see if we had something.

 

We met IRL the day after he came here and have seen each other nearly every day since. We started out kissing and touching and it was pretty hot - after several days of this we were kissing on my couch and I ended up giving him oral sex. He expressed that he was shocked that he even got an erection and came because it was just not something that could happen in the past.

 

The next time we were together he gave me oral and I recipocated, all good... right? Now don't get me wrong, I love oral sex and all that but I want intercourse more often. He tried for a second to do that and it seemed like he got soft and couldnt.

 

We went out one night and he stood close behind me and whispered in my ear that he wanted to have anal sex (not in those words but far more graphic). Anyway, I figured that with enough lube I'd try it and when we got back to my place we did - it was good for the most part and not uncomfortable. Actually I was surprised as hell that I even liked it.

 

We've been together a few more times and each time, he wants oral sex. Not the kind I'm used to which is me doing most of the action but where he grabs my hair forcefully and pumps. Initially I was taken aback but got used to it. It was kind of a turn on to have him not be so passive, etc. He is no longer kissing me much at all and I'm feeling like perhaps he has intimacy problems in addition to his medical one.

 

Oral and Anal sex arent very intimate by nature or are they? He's going back in a week and wants to get an exclusivity kind of agreement from me and I'm not sure if I want to go further into a relationship with someone who can't just have intercourse. He didnt take his viagra at all during this time and I was going to ask him to take it but now I've started my period (DAMN!!!!) so that may hinder us getting down and doing it.

 

I'm wondering what your thoughts on this are? I plan on talking to him frankly about this but it would help to have input first.

[DN]

He was frank with you about what his problem is and what he needs. You should be equally frank about what you want and need. If he can't or won't provide that then you have to decide what you want to do, But if he is unselfish, it seems to me he ought to be taking Viagra if it helps with ordinary intercourse.

 

I must say I don't understand a strictly physical, as opposed to psychological, condition that would allow him to have anal but not vaginal sex. That seems counter-intuitive. Why can't he maintain an erection for vaginal but he can for anal?

[iamwhoiam]

so you're giving him oral and he's also getting anal? is he making an effort to please you (see to it that you're also getting off) when you're together?

 

i'm a little baffled by this. i enjoy oral and anal, but would be unhappy if i wasn't getting "ordinary" intercourse. his motives seem a bit selfish to me.

 

like, the other poster said above, you need to be honest with him. why go further in this if you're already feeling unsatisfied? don't be afraid to speak your mind and tell him what you like. if he's that interested in you, he needs to pop his viagra pill.

[jna35]

I agree with the other posters. I would have a talk with him and let him know what you need. I think that oral sex is very intimate, but like you wouldn't want just that. I can't answer for the anal, although I'd imagine it would take a great amount of trust, at least for me. I think there are other things he could try for mainting an erection besides Viagra too. He should discuss more options with his doctor. Good luck to you!

[Puddin]

DN, I wondered about his being able to keep an erection during anal but not vaginal myself... it's a mystery to me, really. I have a good friend who has been a FWB in the past and when I shared this with him, he was mystefied. He made it really clear that I am not lacking there and that it's obvious that I do my kegels on a regular basis

 

Iam, I thought that it was selfish as well. Frankly I just havent known him long enough to know if this would continue if I let it. Typically I have thought of oral sex as a foreplay kind of thing with an occasional situation like this.

 

jna, I think your right about consulting the doctor - now with the scare that these drugs can cause blindness, I imagine that maybe he's not wanting to take it too often.

 

As everyone mentioned, the bottom line is that we TALK about this. I need to find out if he's even interested in straight sex; never mentioned that he wasnt but I'm assuming that everyone likes that the most - perhaps I'm wrong about it. I would say a good mix would be about 70% intercourse, 25% oral and 5% anal (if that). Not that I'd be there taking a tally but you know what I mean

 

One thing is for sure, I'm not going to continue this if this is how he needs things to be.

[melrich]

He may well have physiological problems that create the need for viagra but from what you describe I'd say the need for viagra is based more on psyche.

 

I'm guessing that this guy needs first the excitement of a "new" partner and second the excitement of acts he considers illicit to be able to get an erection and perform sexually.

[holly g]

I'd like to say, good for you for being open minded. Many women don't like anal. It can be great, but not enough like you said. If you 2 feel comfortable with eachother, maybe a ring or other toys may get things heated up.

 

 

If he can't satify you completely now, whats it gonna be like down the road?

 

 

I wish you all the best

[Day_Walker]

It seems as though you want something from him that he has trouble doing. I believe that you need to trust your instincts here since you already know about his problem.

[Puddin]

Good comments all - I think the bottom line here is that I need to find out if he truly has not interest or ability in regular sex. If not, I'm not willing to spend any more time like this but if it's something else, I would hear what he has to say and see if he follows through.

 

Holly, I can see incorporating toys in with Anal - like the rabbit or something... actually that has me thinking MMMMM BUT in my mind, that should be an occasional thing.

 

Day Walker I will be definitely going with my instincts. I'll be talking frankly with him today and see what he has to say about it.

[Puddin]

Post Update: Well, I last talked to this guy on Tuesday when he left my house and told me to give him a call in the afternoon. I called and got his voice mail so left a message basically asking how his evening was shaping up, etc.

 

I have yet to hear back from him. First I'm angry and then I'm worried that something may have happened to him. It's clear that he is not as attached to me as I thought and I'm left wondering if he basically did what he wanted to do and is moving on without having any conversation about it.

 

So I never did get to have that conversation....