Should I ask?

[flowereyes]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He is the sweetest, caring, and most loving guy I have ever met. I know alot of things are better left unsaid about the past and other relationships. But I cant help but wonder? We are both 20 now, and we met when we were 19. I know we both have dated other people, but he hasnt been in a serious relationship (serious meaning, longer then 5 months)... and I guess that is what leaves me curious. How many people has he slept with? We have good communication between us, we can talk about anything and everthing. I know he would tell me if I were to ask him, but I am afraid to ask... because I dont want him to ask me.

 

Even though I dont know foresure, I just think I have been with more then he has, and I wouldnt want him to think of me less. So I guess all Im asking is do you think I should go and ask? Get it out in the open, or just not bother with it.

 

 

Just wanted to say thank you ahead, if anyone replies to this.

[Metalicsword]

If I were you, I wouldnt ask. Cause you never know if it will hurt you or not. That in turn puts you in my place. Where you cant trust them. If I were to change anything in my past, I would have never asked my gf, cause it just hurts. But then again, if your curiosity gets the better of you, then you have to live with whatever it turns out to be. But you might be happy about what you hear. Just be prepared for anything.

Let me know if it helps.

David

[jna35]

Is there a reason you feel the need to bring it up? I mean are you afraid of STDs or something? Was he having unprotected sex with them? If not, perhaps it's best to leave it alone unless it's something he wishes to share with you. You could be opening a can of worms. I would advise you to just use your best judgement.

[brando]

Good point JNA35. This is a legitimate question under these conditions.

 

And besides if you are not comfortable sharing your past with him, dont ask him about yours. It isnt right.

[RayKay]

This is generally a topic you will find different answers on....but really in your case what it comes down to is if you won't want to share YOURS don't ask HIS, and if you don't really want to know, don't ask!

 

What matters is that YOU are the only one he is with now, that you are both free from any STI's and are careful in terms of protection.

 

My bf and I have disclosed ours - just because we were comfortable with it - and my # was higher (which makes me feel kinda egh, but he said he was a late bloomer and would of expected that anyway since I have also had more relationship/dating experience) but we both determined you know what really matters:

 

Not whom your first partner is, how many partners you have had...but that that we are each others LAST partner I have joked once that he might not have been my "one and only" but he IS my "one & last"!

 

So it is up to you, and your relationship. But be prepared to tell your side if he is giving his. And be prepared that you may or may not like what you hear, or you may now be constantly thinking of the other girls...

[RayKay]

link removed

 

 

This is a good reason not to ask

[SimoneTiger]

The average number of women any male American has sex with throughout his life is 14.

 

If you really want to know that bad... Why not just bring this piece of trivia up and ask him if he's "scored" above or below?

 

Turns out that I'm my fiance's #13. I think most guys are proud of that kind of stuff, so it might be something you guys can joke about together.

 

PS. Yes, he did ask me the same, but all he got is "A lady doesn't tell."

[brando]

Simone,

i dont understand why you wouldnt tell, he was open and honest enough with you, doesnt he deserve the same courtesy from you??

[DN]

I agree that you should not ask someone to share information when you are not willing to reciprocate. That could come back to bite you, because then he would feel manipulated and would also worry that you have something to hide.

[RayKay]

PS. Yes, he did ask me the same, but all he got is "A lady doesn't tell."

 

I don't get that, did you ask him first? Why would you ask him and then not tell him yours....I would feel a bit conned if someone did that to me.

[SimoneTiger]

It's not something that he wanted to know, and he only asked because I asked him. Besides, we talk about our exes a whole lot and he has a pretty accurate idea. ;-)

 

The subject of how many people I have slept with hasn't come up since; on the other hand, we joke all the time that he is 'below average' and about to get married. Besides, you can't ignore the fact that it's a social double-standard--how many girls do you know of that boast about how many men they have had sex with?

[flowereyes]

Thank you all for your replies... I know everyone of you has a good point, and if I dont want to share mine then I shouldnt ask, but its hard to not be curious you know?...

 

No Im not concered about STD'S or anything of that sort, we have protected sex and he wouldnt be the one to hide something like that.

 

Raykay- I completely agree to what you said about what matters now, is that we are I am the one he is with now....

 

But again thank you for all the replies, I think I will just keep this issue to myself, unless he brings it up... I dont want to be the one thinking of the "other girls".. and I definatly dont want him to be thinking of anything in my past.

 

Thanx a bunch everyone, I'll keep you all posted if I end up blabbing it out one of these days...

[DN]

Besides, you can't ignore the fact that it's a social double-standard--how many girls do you know of that boast about how many men they have had sex with?

 

This has more to do with how a couple relate to each other that any double standard.

 

If either the man or the woman boast about their sexual past that is their decision. But to ask a partner about it and then refuse to reciprocate could easily be viewed as manipulative. Women as a rule may not like to boast, many men don't either. The pproblem with stereotypes is that they don't always apply to individuals, so it is risky to assume that they apply to your particular partner.