What's considered private?

[frogkisser]

Can there be any assumption of privacy in a relationship? I consider myself to be a private person while he calls it paranoia. I share my thoughts, feelings and opinions with him freely because I expect that things will be kept between us. In his conversations with others, he has no problem retelling my feelings or thoughts, and most of the time it not good. I tell him things b/c he is my confidant. I told him that if I wanted someone to know what I thought or felt I am more than capable of communicating that on my own. I don't want my life to be an open book for just anyone to read. He called me paranoid and said that made him not trust me. I asked him if he considers anything private and he said yes and gave me one example. When I asked him what qualified that particular subject to be deemed private he said he didn't know. I can't see myself becoming juvenile and prefacing everything with "don't repeat this to anyone". Is my need for privacy extreme or does he have boundary issues?

[Darkshadow]

Your demand for privacy is only how you feel, there should be no remorse in that. Although you are very private, you should consider having a discussion about how valuable your privacy is to who you are.

 

Keeping things from him will draw negative effects on the communication between the two of you.

I am a very private person myself (inspite the fact that I am registered on to this forum; but that reason is private in itself) and I have learned that being private, without communicating why you are private, and explaining the value of your privacy, for a long period of time can lead to a second image on oneself from another. To keep this long story short (but I can give you the full story upon request) I have kept to myself many events from my family. When I was in second grade, I was followed by a group of men along a canal. I was taunted and cursed at, but me in adolescence; I could not bear that and thought I was ready to justify their actions. I was mistaken and struck hard in the back. When I awoke, after being beaten, I was covered in blood. They had carved their signature into my chest and had tried to suffocate and lacerate my privates with a rope. I was angered and had a great thirst for revenge. Throughout my life I had kept it from my parents. Trying my best to pretend everything was okay. At times I couldn't take it and would go into rages, and different flashbacks. I never told them for I was private. Thus, I had a split personality to them, one in which they could not define. Through the years of the secrets slowly I grew tired of pretending and broke free. They had no clue who I really was, and thereforeeee they did not trust me. I was always the "troubled" child, but never they questioned why. For my secrecy I was bound to have many communication problems with those who had "thought" to have known me. Still to this day they don't know what to believe.

---

 

Direct to my message is that it is not important that you stop your needs for privacy, but you at least communicate the importance of it enough so that you retrieve at least some of the respect you desire.

Remember, you are not your rumors. You are not your image to others.

You are not your privacy. You are what you choose. And may that be a book unread, you are undiscovered. Let him know that.

 

Best wishes,

-Tony

[HajiMaji]

My ex girlfriend was very private. I am very open. This definitely caused problems.

 

I tell people everything about my life (if its relevent or they ask ) Its so hard to leave out things about my significant other since they are such a huge part of my life!!

 

I remember a buddy of mine was going through a problem that i went through with my old girl. I told him the story to help him through it and give him some adivce. My ex girlfriend was pissed at the time. She hated that i let people know about her.

 

I wasnt trying to punk her out in anyway. I completley loved and respected her. If you tell your partner why you are a private person and what exactly bothers you i think it will help the situation.

 

My ex just got really angry with me. She didnt try to communicate why it frusterated her, which made me feel like crap. If you let him know exactly how you feel and why you feel that way he might be able to understand what he should and shouldnt tell. Its still hard though. I am a super open person and hate to be closed off from people. Im sure he will have difficulty adjusting.

[Miss M]

What is considered private is going to be different for each person, and also different for each relationship. There is no standard answer that is going to work in all situations. But in a relationship, the privacy issue should be decided by both parties, not just by one. From your post it sounds as if he has decided for both of you what the privacy guidelines are, and disregards your preferences on that topic. And if you disagree with that, then he explains how you are wrong for disagreeing. and that means he still makes the final decision for both of you. (And please say if I'm misreading what you wrote.) No matter what others here say about what is private or not, it seems that the bottom line is that you should get a vote in how your privacy concerns are treated in your relationship.

[DN]

It is not paranoid to prefer that private things are not shared with the world, or even a small proportion of it.

 

If you tell him something you want kept private then tell him not to repeat it. Who does he think he is - CNN?

[Tigris]

I agree with DN

 

Good Luck

[Miss M]

This subject came up on a talk show, (I think it was Oprah), and it was about who has the right to reveal secrets. Some of the examples given were even more compelling than what you described, like telling the truth about adoption, or when someone you dearly love is being deceived in a significant way. They offered some hard choices to ponder. But the general guideline that I came away with... The one who the information is about is the OWNER of the information. And the OWNER is the only one who should share the info, or should be the only one to give permission as to whether it can be shared. There are exceptions, like when it's a life or death or legal issue. But when it's just personal info that people are casually passing around, that doesn't qualify as a compelling reason to reveal personal details about somebody else's life. If it's important that your personal info not be shared, and if he dismisses your preferences about that, he's giving you shabby treatment.

 

And no, you're not paranoid.

[frogkisser]

Thank you all for your responses, I really do appreciate it. I am so glad to have found this forum. Often times we have debates on subjects and he tells me that my thinking and perspective is not the norm? What is the norm anyway? He and I are quite different in our attitudes and approach. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm just way out there especially on the subject of relationships. We have had this ongoing debate and his solution is to never speak of me to others. Well, I guess that's one way of dealing with it! It's not as if he is divulging a deep dark secret, I have none. It's basically stupid stuff like a personal comment I may have made about someone or my opinions. If I wanted someone to know why I wasn't comfortable with them I would tell them myself. I realize that often times it's my problem, not the other person and there is no point in making them feel bad about it. It's usually something I have to work out within myself. Thanks again to you all for sharing. Now, I don't feel so off.