My heart hurts so bad it is making me crazy

[Mish]

My ex and I have only been together about 3 yrs. She moved to my state and things seemed fine but after a year she left me due to an internet affair with a woman in California. Course it didnt work out between the two. You can check my forum history for that drama.

 

I loved her deeply and moved 1300 miles from home to try and make a go of it with her again and we did sort of resume but it was an unspoken relationship, not alot of discssion and she moved in. I have never been very good at wearing my heart on my sleeve and because of her internet relationship I never had 100% trusted her.

 

My son who is 11 and is very challenging behavior wise ( he is thought to be in the high functioning Austim spectrum) and they bickered constantly they basically didnt have an ounce of respect for each other. I was always in the middle of their feuds and regardless how I tried I was always the bad guy to one of them.

 

Eventually my ex and I began fighting ALOT about my son and how I didnt hold him accountable for his disrespect which I felt wasnt true, but she rode on him all the time, "stop doing that, quit doing this...could you knock off the noise!" It got to the point where I couldnt even get out of bed in the morning without the "your son" issue.

 

I would try to talk to her but she isnt a talker and definitely cannot talk when constructive critisim is involved because she takes it all as a personal attack. She never really believed my son has some challenges and would never bend. Eventually I sorta withdrew because I was so tired of the fighting. The last 3 months of the relationship we never went anywhere because there was always a fight with them two which ultimately wound up with us fighting. And when we fought sometimes I would say some rather mean things sometimes they were ment to provoke a discussion but mostly they weren't anything I ever ment. But we all know we can't take words back especially hurtful ones.

 

Then I noticed a very familiar pattern...she was talking on the internet to this one girl sending messages several times a day often staying up till 1, 2, 3am in the morning. When I tried to talk to her about it she got angry with me said I was trying to create a problem. I thought well maybe I was considering my trust issues with her. Then I found these mysterious phone #s on my phone bill. It was a cell # to someone in Mass. Then I again would as whose # it was. She cussed and said I was off base and creating an issue the wasn't there. Again...I place the burnden on me.

 

Then around the 4th of July weekend, she made other plans that didnt involve my son or I nor did she tell me about them in advance so needless to say I was a bit annoyed. Especially since my car is broke down I have no trasportation. Then she did it again the following weekend and I was wild, I told her I couldnt keep living like this and something needed to be done. She came back from her trip and took me for a ride to tell me she was moving out. I was crushed. I cried like a baby I never really wanted her to go.

 

Since then it has been a rollercoaster of emotions all over again. Her and I talked and she told me she stopped loving me long ago. I came to the conclusion that I just needed to accept what has happened but told her I loved her very much and if this was what she needed to make her happy then I had to let her go.

 

Since then, I have found a "love" letter so to speak about a woman I was jealous over about 8 months ago which validated that the two had been sexually together. That same day I found out that the mystery cell # belongs to a woman she was chatting with online. I felt sick like was punched in the gut. I freaked out, called her at work which is a daycare (which also happens to be where my son goes during the day.)

 

Then when I went to pick my son up I sorta freaked out there throwing the letter at her and telling her she needed to get all her @#$% out of my house immeadiately. Told her good luck with her new internet relationship and slammed the door. Rather disrespectful considering there were a bunch of kids there.

 

Btw...the daycare is practically accross the street, after she was done with work she walked over and talked to me saying she read the letter and yes...it did happen but gave a bunch of excuses like we were separated and she was messed up in the head. And as for the cell # she admitted that it was to the individual I suspected but told me it she had been honest and told me I would have flipped out. I said I would not have been nearly as angry then if she had been honest.

 

I told her she has so many secrets validating my issues with trust. She thinks she does well at hiding them but I eventaully find out about them when I am not even trying and at the absolute worst times.

 

I went to go talk to my counselor today....she cancelled on me and since I had changed my phone # I didnt get the message till I got there...I sort of lost it.

 

I have no form of transportation since she works accross the street she lets me borrow her van but that isn't a reliable thing. I have no job therfore hard to search/keep a job without a vehical, no friends the only people I know are her and her family. I have been sitting in this trailer for the last 3 weeks and I am going out of my mind. I feel Isolated, lonely, unworthy and basically in dispair. Just need someone to talk to. I am so lost at the moment its hard to stay focused.

 

I know it is over but my heart just wants her to come back. I can't stop crying and I feel so empty without her.

[Tigris]

It sounds like you've had a very stressful time!

 

I know you still love her but it is obvious that your relationship won't work. You can't live the rest of your life arguing all the time! It's natural that you'd want to side with your son. She knew how difficult your life was because she works at the daycare centre, so it's not like you hid your son's problems from her.

 

She maybe feels as though she can't relax when she comes home. I suppose to her living with your son is like bringing her work home with her!

 

I'm sorry, but I think your life will be less stressful without her!

[Mish]

I agree with the "bringing your work home" statement. I when I discussed that maybe I send my son somewhere else she would get mad.

 

When I suggested she move her computer to the other room so he wasn't always in her face so to speak she wouldn't hear of it.

 

When I tried to set up an appt between his counselor and and us....she forgot.

 

I know I am better off without her I it is the sudden life change, it is so hard to get used to. Life as I used to know it is now over and I need to accept that but I am having such a hard time with it.

 

She wants to remain friends and I am not so sure I can do that, it is so painful for me to see her.

 

I feel in a downward spiral and I cant grab onto anything to stop it.

[Tigris]

We all know it's hard to mend a broken heart. You have to crawl before you can walk! Just take each day at a time. There'll be ups and downs along the way but you'll get there in the end!

 

Take care.

[Cadence308]

I agree that you are better off without her. Not only because of the issues with your son and her. But, she keeps violating your trust over and over again. That is not fair to you to always have to wonder where she is and what she's doing. You were her gf, not her babysitter. If she really cared about you then she wouldn't be cheating on you and meeting other women on the internet.

 

Is there a bus system where you live so that you can find work? Have you tried job services? I'm sure that it is difficult to find and keep a job without a vehicle. But, you have got to make an effort to get yourself together. You have an 11 yr old son who sounds like he really needs you right now. So, even though you no longer have a gf, you do still have your son.

 

I think that once you get out there and get a job you will meet new people and things will start turning around for you.

 

GL!