My GF not ready to give up part of herself yet

[wuzzy]

Good to see that there a lot of issues people go through in their relationship that I went through and can relate to.

 

So here goes my cry out to the world.

 

My girlfriend got a new job in a neighborhood that is quite well known for its crime rate and bad neighborhood. She's thinking to move there and stay there alone.

 

It just freaks me out knowing that she'll be going to and from work in that neighborhood. To her credit she is one gorgeous girl, the kind that will always attract the wrong kind of attention.

 

So I suggested that she move closer to my work place which and I will find an apartment for us to stay, with me sending her to work before we can afford to get a transport for her (I didn't tell her this but it was going to be a surprise to her).

 

Along the way, she got her apartment and we got into in a few bad arguments before I finally secured an apartment near my workplace. In the end we agreed that she should give up her apartment and move into mine. I was ready to make that sacrifice even though my initial plan was to have that place as a bach-pad for myself before settling down (currently staying with parents, common to this part of the world).

 

Come the day we were deciding on when to move, we got into another argument. She moving in, turned out to become a 'take over' of the apartment rather than living together. She basically had plans for everything, which I found very selfish of her. As a background, both of us have bad temper, but I more so. We were swearing and cursing and were going in circles, bringing out unrelated issues and finally it occurred to me that she was not ready for all this. She was not ready to give a part of herself to us. I basically had a tentatively plan to be engaged by the end of this year and probably get married mid of next year. Hence the idea of living together. It would also make it easy for bit of us to visit my parents during the weekend as I felt she still needed to blend it with my family. Basically I had the whole plan worked out, but probably that was my mistake.

 

So now, I gave her the option to move in with me or stay in her apartment, and she chose to stay there. I am tired of building up all these dreams when it seems that she's only interested in short term convenience. Distance-wise between her workplace and mine is about 20 miles and to my parents is 45 miles. Other than the apartment, I've also told her that from now on, I will not try to protect her or change her. She basically has a free hand in what she does. Even though it may make us drift apart. Basically I'm passing the ball to her to make this relationship work. But it saddens me thinking about her safety, and the thought of ditching all the efforts that I've made to make things work for our relationship.

 

There's no question here, just letting it all out.

 

"Woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam, not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved"

 

requote : link removed

[btbt]

It sounds like you want to take care of her -- but on your own terms. She also sounds like a pretty independent person. From her perspective, moving in with you when she a place lined up and in which she didn't mind the neighborhood was a sacrifice. So naturally, when she moved in with you, she wanted to have things that were her own and under her control. The stuff you have been arguing about in terms of setting up house seems like typical moving in together stuff, but it's exacerbated by the fact that she probably feels that she deserves more opinion since she made the sacrifice to move in with you. Sounds like both of you need to do some compromising so each of you feel like you've been able to give, yet also retain what you wanted for yourself.

[Spirits Away]

What were the related things that you guys argued about? How did she take over the house?