life after us...

[gradle]

thanks everyone, thanks for the uplifting thoughts...

this was his reply to me:

"I'm glad to heat everything is going well for you. I'm out in CA

looking for a

place to live but I'm not sure what I think about it yet. I think it would

kinda suck to live in the suburbs out by Livermore, but the commute from

Berkeley or Oakland would be about 30 miles (45 minutes) and gas prices are

over $2.50 out here so it would be expensive and time consuming. Not to

mention, I am still apprehensive about the job and if I will bored out of my

mind. I just finished a draft of my thesis yesterday so as long as there

aren't any major changes then I should be practically done other than giving

the final presentation. My sister's visit was fine, her and her boyfriend are

very midwestern so they were kinda in awe and just not used to the whole

experience but it went fine. My family is good too, for the first time when I

went home that weekend I didn't even call my friends, I just hung out with my family. But it was good. I am not dating or even seeing anyone, I wasn't lying when I said I wanted space, so its not like I'm going to jump on anything or anyone as soon as I'm single.

 

How is everything with you? Have you given your job 2 weeks notice

yet? Do you know where you will be working in DC yet? Are you dating someone already? I definitely need to get the router back before I leave and I also think you have one of the pillows that was provided by my dorm so I need to get that back also (it will look newer and has a green tag on it). And I was wondering about my futon too, I don't know exactly if I'll need it or not because I'm also considering the possibility of a roommate but if I get a place on my own then it would be handy to have back...

 

Anyways, I'm kinda jealous that you're moving to DC and have a job that you're

really excited about so I hope it all is going smoothly. Talk to you later."

 

do you think he just contacted me to get his stuff back?

he told me earlier i could keep his furniture, i don't even have a clue as to how to get that back to him...i htink i believe him overall...

do you think he still loves me?

[gradle]

i know i'm reading so much into everything. i'm pathetic

[PlayBrat]

Hmmmm...sounds like he's finally realizing he is REALLY going to be away from you...I think that's going to hit him hard once he's gone. I think he still has feelings for you, ...and yes I think he's being honest about not seeing anyone. Are you going to tell him about C?

[gradle]

i dont' know, i was going to try to ignore it, i don't want it to sound like i'm gloating in anyway,...so you don't think this was all about the furniture. i was thinking of replying next week b/c i'm soooo busy thsi week, or i gues i could call since he called me yesterday and i didn't reply

i was just going to write, well i have your stuff, let me know when you need it, as far as the futon, you can pick it up by thsi date (the date when the movers are moving me out)

if he can't pick it up by then, then it's his problem...

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

Wow! So you were worked up over nothing. Hmmm from what he said I do believe him, that he is not seeing anyone else right now.

 

It sounds to me like his response was in line with a friend responding to a friend. I'm not saying he does not still have feelings for you, I'm sure he does, but it doesn't sound, at least from his email, that he is in any rush to get back together.

 

How are YOU doing? Last day on the job.... when are you leaving for DC?

[gradle]

hi all,

thanks for the advice adn thoughts...

i'm not sure when exactly i move to dc, sometime in the next few weeks, but i don't have too much control over it....i'm actually in dc now looking for a place to live..

i have yet to email j back, i figured i would wait until i had a more exact date, that way when i email him i'll have somehting substantial to tell him ....i think i'll just say he can pick up his furniture by this date, if not, tehn i guess i'll take it with me...

my weekend in boston was kind of crazy actually. my brother has been visiting me and we went out one night with C and some friends and it got a little dramatic...mainly b/c i think both C and i felt weird a little that my brother was there, even in reality my brother doesnt mind what's going on...but all in all everything is well...

i'm excited about my move to dc

hope all is well with all of you!

[gradle]

so i had a lot of drama last night...

on my drive back to boston from dc J called me, somewhere in rhode island. maybe i shouldn't have picked up, but i figured maybe i would, since i hadn't been answering him back lately.

so we started talking and of course i got angry. he started off by being kind of mad that i hadn't answered any of his emails or phone calls, and i just replied that i had been busy. i think i have a right to be angry. he wants to get a place in san fran and one outside the city closer to where he'll be working....and i just figured it was so he could have a girl in the city and a girl at work...i was pretty mad regardless so i was making up these scenarios in my head.

and he started talking about how he needed his stuff back. and i said i'd leave it all out by my door tomorrow (today) and he could come pick it up. he said no, that wasn't fair. i don't understand that at ALL, i mean it feels like the only reason he contacted me was to get his stuff back not cause he cared how i was doing, so that went on for a while...

when i got home he was on hte phone still and told me he was downstairs. he had waited for me to come home. fine whatever, i just told him i'd leave the stuff outside my door, and he was like no, that went on for a while.

so i finally let him in, and i was pissed. i mean he's gone 3 weeks without contacting me and now just wants his stuff back. i was mad and yelling and he started to leave so i jus tfollowed him out. and we sat in his car and talked and yelled and all that jazz...and hten he asked if i were seeing someone, and i said yes, but not seriously, then he seemed to get sad and jealous, he kept calling him my boyfriend and sounded angry, and i think i did enjoy htat a bit... crazy me...

anyways, i was so upset and i asked him to give us a nother shot somewhere in the future, yes stupid move, how does someone promise this? anyways, he said if we were both on the same page in the future he'd give us another shot...i don' tknow.

but i got home and checked my email and one of his friends had invited me toa party,...i emailed her and told her it didn't seem like a good idea b/c i didn't want there to be any drama or awkwardness at their party at all...and she emailed me back and told me she had decided not to invite J. i couldn't believe it, it makes me feel so loved

any thoughts? am i nuts? i shouldn't have answered the phone i guess...i was going to give his stuff back when i was ready, i had told him that. i had told him i would drop it off...he forced it and i got angry...

[gradle]

i know i'm crazy.

but i'm thinking of giving him a call sometime today or tomorrow, just to see how he's doing....

am i a fool?

he kept asking me last night why he has to be the one to always call me, why i can't call him...i tried to explain that he was the one that wanted space, so i didn't want to bug him. but god i love the a%$hole...

maybe i should and i shouldn't be upset when i talk to him...

i really don't know if i'm a fool...

[DN]

You are not crazy and you are not a fool because you haven't actually called him yet.

 

Now if you were to really do it - that might be a different story!

[gradle]

i know , i just get these thoughts in my head and it's like i can't control myself. i really do want us tto be okay and keep in touch when we're both so far away...and he looked so sad last night, he was crying...maybe becuase he found out i was seeing someone else, maybe becasue it was emotional... i don't know...

i do love him so much though. what is wrong with me? why ? the one person i love the most in the world who doesn't love me....why am i a fool?

[DN]

You are not a fool - you are in love, and sometimes that makes us behave foolishly.

 

But that doesn't mean we have to keep behaving foolishly. At some point you have to stop doing those sorts of things. And this is one of those times.

 

He may look sad, he may cry - he may weep bitter tears. But unless and until he says "I love you and want to be with you in a committed relationship" - you should stay away. Because you deserve nothing less than that - and anything less than that can only hurt you.

[gradle]

you're right dn, why is it so hard though? i miss the stupid idiot so much, and why? i know i could get other guys, why do i want this one so much? iit's like he has this energy/electricity and i can't get enough...

i can pretend...but in all honesty i can't get enough of it...

ugh, i'm pathetic...i was doing so damn well...

well i still have his futon....

it's just why did he have to make me feel that way? like he only wanted to talk to me to get his stuff back? i don' tthink taht's true looking back at last night....i think he did want to see me, why else couldn't i have left it all outside my door?

but he still intended to make me feel like that's the only reason he wanted to talk to me....i think that's crappy, i think it was to save face on his part...

he probably had 30 bucks worth of his stuff here which i had said i would drop off at his place before i left...regardless was it really worth the 30 bucks to make me feel that way?

[DN]

I don't know why he is behaving that way, it could be malicious but I doubt it. He is probably one of those people who is so self-absorbed that he doesn't really notice that he is hurting you. People like that are genuinely surprised when they are told they are behaving badly, they have little real empathy for other people.

 

It is hard - but you will come through this. Don't worry that you have a good day and then a bad day, that is normal. Hard but normal.

[gradle]

so this is what he just emailed me:

I'm sorry I was mean and standoffish last night but I just know we aren't quite

on on equal ground when it comes to our feelings for each other. But I will

never forget you and I will always care for you and I know that we will have

other opportunities in the future to try again.

Love, xxx

this was my reply:

you know i love you, i always will, and i always want you to be doing ok...i don't mean to get so upset whenever i talk to you, but when it seems like you're so self absorbed that you're not taking my feelings into account, i get angry. i want to be able to talk to you just to see how you're doing...but when the conversation are so infrequent its' hard for me when my feelings get so built up. although i know perhaps it might be better for me to not talk to you at all ...but i don't want that, i hate being a stupid girl. i don't deserve anything less from you than what you used to give me when you were into the relationship.

you have a right to be selfish right now. you should be, you have a lot to look forward to in life. i'm excited and a little bit jealous that you get to be in san franscisco for a year...i'd kill for that, i love that city...but i can't wait to get my stuff together for dc either. we both have a hell of a lot to look forward too, and i'm glad for that...

have a good night ok?

love always,

 

how'd i do?

[DN]

Considering your state of mind - not bad. But I really don't think it right or fair that he holds out some hope to you that there may be an opportunity to get together in the future. I think you would be well-advised to disregard that.

 

When you get to DC, use that as an opportunity to make a fresh start in your life. Wash the slate clean - new job, new city, new life.

 

And hopefully you will find someone there worthy of you and who treats you sos much better than this guy.

[jng92130]

gradle, you seem to be doing so well.

 

And you're not stupid, just on your way to a new and higher level of living and being (in the sense that what hasn't destroyed you has made you stronger and wiser). It's the dumpee who grows from these experiences. The dumper, the initiator of the breakup, in some cases has simply taken the easy route, the passive and effortless path... and grows not at all.

 

I'm stupid, too... lots of us are, for clinging to relationships that are over. It must be extremely rare to be in a relationship in which each feels equally strongly about the other -- in which love is perfectly reciprocated and felt. In my case, the relationship was highly asymmetric, but I wanted to keep trying, on and on. I'm less and less sure now why I kept trying....

 

Your email was very similar to what I sent to my ex girlfriend a few weeks ago, who replied with something, in turn, very similar to what your ex sent. The expression of love on your and my parts was heartfelt and deep, the expressions on our ex's parts perfunctory and superficial.

 

Remind yourself that he doesn't think of you nearly as much as you're thinking of him. That thought, applied to my situation, makes me angry at myself and her that I'm spending so much energy missing her and pining for her. And that diffuse anger, that's actually more like irritation at the little rogue "agent" in our minds that won't let go of what's not there anymore, can be useful in small doses.

 

If he doesn't appreciate you and take great care with your feelings now -- i.e. being considerate in calls and emails... then he doesn't deserve your affection or even your attention.

[gradle]

thank you so much jng...

i'll take what you said to heart.

i'm not going to contact him tonight, or hopefully anytime soon.

i do love him though, although i'm not sure why.

he doesn't deserve most of what i've given him....and even he acknowledges that...

thank you so much. it's nice to know that other's are going through soemthing similar...and i do think i've grown a lot these past few months...

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

Just wanted to drop and see how you were doing today. It sounds like you had a really tough couple of days there.

 

I agree with DN that it really isn't fair of J to dangle a carrot in front of your face about possibly getting back together. He knows how you feel and that ll this will do is set you back and make you hold on that much longer to him, and is that really fair to you?

 

You do deserve a man who doesn't want to live without you, and I believe that when you give yourself time and a fresh start that you will really begin to believe that, and once that happens, the possibilities are endless.

 

Maybe J thinks because you put him on a pedestal for so long, that it's his right to cast you aside, and expect you to come crawling back when he's had his playtime and is ready for something else. I could be way off base here, but I am getting angry at the way he seems to be taking advantage of your feelings.

 

He can't expect you to just shut off your feelings and be 'friends' with him as though nothing happened, when he totally broke your heart. Know what I mean? And if you are angry about the cavalier way he's behaving, you should be, but the good news is you are calling the shots now.

 

You don't have to take his calls or talk to him if you don't want to, and you can let him go and move forward, and stop letting him do this to you.

 

You are worth alot more than the way he's making you feel, I promise you that.

 

 

 

((BUG HUGS))

 

Hope

[gradle]

thanks hope, thanks dn, thanks for all of your help...

i'm doing much better now, but had a drawback tonight...

nothing too major.

i did a driveby on my way home from the bars (didn't drink much). and i saw J walking home....

nothing that interesting, i just had to see....stupid huh?

but i just got home from the bar a while ago...and he had changed his message to a sad face...

makes me sad a little... but that's his own fault.

seeing him walk home like that....speeding with his head down. it made me realize, it's him that everyone should pity. it's he that gave up what was once such an amazing relationship, who couldn't bring himself to commit to me, i was honestly an awesome girlfriend, i had my faults, i was jealous and a little insecure....

but overall i was a pretty awesome girlfriend. and i loved him more than i think anyone else in the world could.

he might not ever find that again. but there's a good chance that i can find someone who loves me more than he did. anyone who could give up what we had, should be pitied for their foolishness.

i changed my away message to what someone i know said in the bar (not about me, but regardless, i hope it still applies): "she's like an opposable thumb, you'd be stupid to try and live without her"

that's how he should feel about me...b/c it's true....

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

Sorry to hear you had a rough night last night. You know you are an amazing woman, and the fact that J doesn't appreciate that is totally his loss.

 

Now it's up to you to see that you don't waste any more time on a guy who doesn't know how to appreciate you for who you are.

 

I wonder if you see your own worth, because I think if you did, you wouldn't have these insecurities, because you would know that any guy is lucky to be with you, and if they left to be with someone else, they weren't good enough for you anyway.

 

J may be sad right now, but he made his own bed and it's up to him to live with the consequences. You have to live with the consequences of your actions, and not worry so much about him and his. (as in, don't be checking his away message, it only upsets you! Don't be leaving away messages that you think might hurt him, it's unbecoming and you are better than that.)

 

You are doing alot better girl, and once you are out of Boston I think the change is going to be good for you.

 

You haven't mentioned C recently, what's going on there?

 

When do you leave for DC?

[DN]

I agree with Hope. But the good thing is that you are starting to cut the threads. I believe that when we become romantically attached to someone it is not one connection that can be severed just like that. There are hundreds of strands of connection and they don't all drop away at once. Yours are disconnecting one by one, slower than we would like but they are being cut.

 

When there are none left - you will be free. And that may be sooner than you think.

[brando]

Sorry DN i disagree with your wording ...Slower than we like.

 

It is up to Gradle to decide the speed of her cutting her connections wth her x, it isnt for her to quickly do so to please those of us on enotalone.

 

Maybe i am taking this the wrong way, but healing is a very time consuming process, and when Gradle can clearly see what shee needs to , then maybe then will she be able to heal.

 

I just dont want her to feel she is doing something wrong by those words you chose to write to her. She isnt. It takes time.

 

be well,

Brando

[DN]

I meant that in an ideal world, when someone hurts us by ending a relationship, we would be able to immediately forget about that person and the hurt and move on. So, it is always too long a time to be able to heal.

 

It is also important to realise that there is a process to go through, and although it may be slow you can get to the end of it.

 

As WSC said (see below) "If you are going through hell, keep going."

[gradle]

i hear you both...i think i understand, even though i might not always go along with it...

like right now..he changed his away message to "pancakes"....

the boy hates pancakes (yes, weird, i know)

and i'm so tempted to IM him asking him since when did he start to love pancakes so much? he always wined and moaned when i made them....

i think he's honestly just doing it b/c he knows it will get to me, b/c i made them regardless of whether or not he whined b/c i loved them...

so i'm tempted to IM him, but i know it would be best of me not too. anyways tonight is the party his friends invited me to, and didn't invite him to. that's a pretty big way of showing that he's somehow alienated his friends here...i think, or maybe they've somehow seen through him...

[DN]

If you think he is attempting to get to you - don't be 'got'.