Unexpected break-up after 6 years.

[janeyb]

This is my first ever post on any forum and I am not looking for answers, just any feedback from anyone in a similar situation as this is new (and unpleasant) territory.

 

I had been engaged to my fiance for almost 6 years (we got engaged 2 months after meeting). Have had an amazing 6 years which in my opinion got better. Never got married mainly cos of parental issues - both our siblings ran away and got hitched much to the disgust of our parents and his brother married a muslim (he is Indian) so the pressure was too much.

 

Two years ago, he took voluntary redundancy and I gave up my job and we went with our two dogs to live in the Dominican Republic and bought a gorgeous house there. No problems so far, in fact our relationship to me seemed to be better than in the UK without all of the pressures of commuting etc. We sold our house in June and were just completing plans to build our dream house - and after years of saying he didn't want kids, he started talking about them again and had included a study that could be a nursery too. Plus I was going to give up my job and join him in his business - all exciting stuff. I then decided to take a two week break to the UK to see family as hadn't been for over a year and he wanted to stay in DR as he said he was OK with that. I returned to the DR on 7th July. The very next morning, he calmly announced to me that the relationship was over and that two years ago we had had a 'discussion' about our relationship and that things hadn't changed so that is that. Of course I was in shock, and demanded to know what was wrong and thereforeeee why can't we try to salvage whatever the issue was. He then began what I can only describe as a character assassination - regarding my personality, my character, my physical appearance, plus a string of tiny incidences that occurred over the course of 6 years which he had clearly stored in his brain - eg. I was a bit quiet at a dinner with his business clients one evening, thereforeeee I do not support his business, or I wanted to go home early from a party a year ago as I had a perforated eardrum, thereforeeee I want to ruin his social life.

 

Needless to say as well as in shock, my self esteem completely disappeared and I was left feeling like the worst person in the world. I spent a week in the DR after he left to stay in a hotel hardly able to walk, couldn't eat without vomiting and didn't sleep at all due to all the above and being totally heartbroken. Luckily I had a few really great friends and my mum and sister at the end of the phone to pull me through.

 

I left the DR on Friday 15th July - a week later, with only two suitcases and a couple of thousand dollars in cash to show for 6 years - so as well as losing my partner, I also lost my home, dogs, car, income and everything else. I am lucky I have a supportive family, and I feel strength knowing that I will heal over time, and to let myself cry when I feel I need to. I may never know the real reason why this happened but I have realised that the character assassination was just a projection of his weaknesses, and know that I did nothing wrong in the relationship and refuse to let his comments damage me and that I will now prove to him that I am the stronger of the two of us.

[melrich]

Well first of all let me say your attitude is great,

 

I did nothing wrong in the relationship and refuse to let his comments damage me and that I will now prove to him that I am the stronger of the two of us.

 

It sounds like he has been brewing on this for a long time, probably building the case in his own mind. I get the sense that most of the "reasons" he gave you were fairly superficial and probably his way of justifying the break up whilst avoiding the real issue which is probably more about him than you.

 

Right now I think you need to be disciplined and let the heat go out of things a bit. Lean on your family and friends. When the emotions you are feeling are not so raw you may want to start a dialogue with him again to seek some closure, that is the real reasons behind what has happened though don't be surprised if he cannot explain them himself.

 

only two suitcases and a couple of thousand dollars in cash to show for 6 years - so as well as losing my partner, I also lost my home, dogs, car, income and everything else

 

I don't know the circumstances of your relationship, each of your contributions financially or the laws in the UK, but this would seem unlikely. I ams ure you would have some claim on your joint assets and i would be seeing a lawyer sooner rather than later. You may find this hard but take the emotion out of any property settlement. each person has the right to protect and attain what is theirs. You have to look after yourself.

[mieshagirl]

I am very sorry to hear about how your relationship ended so suddenly. I was in the same situation, I had a highschool sweetheart was with him for 6 years and one day he LEFT ME A NOTE telling me that he no longer felt happy and that he did not want to continue on with our relationship. It was a shock, and still today (9 months later) it still hurts. But I have learned to move on and find new happiness, which I hope you have done as well. I wish you the best. Let me know how things are going.

[DN]

I am so sorry that this has happened and it certainly seems as if something else was going on with him rather than unhappiness with you.

 

However, you would be wise to have a little bit of self-analysis to see whether you did in fact contribute to the break-up in any way. Not so you can blame yourself or beat yourself up over it, but simply in order that you can use any lessons to make sure you don't do similar things in your next relationship. There is also strength to be gained in knowing what we could have done better as well as what we do well.

[lolapop411]

I dated for eight 1/2 years, married 6 months and everything went down hill. I understand your situation. He picked on you to make him self feel better and make you weak. That is what people do, to get away from their own miss behavior. It may not seem that you are better with out him but you are. Life is full of drama in situations like this. You seem to have your feet on the ground not in La-la Land. Take it day by day like you are doing.

I understand the vomitting and weakness you experience. The body reacts to our emotions. Let your feelings out and the more you talk about it you will eventually get bored. Take care. Bless it Be.