Why am I always the nice guy?

[alboy]

I hate this. I'm tired of being the guy the shoulder to cry on while the girl weeps abount some other guy. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. Why am I always that guy?

 

The first few times we've hung out she showed that she was interested in me. So I ask her out a few times and we got along great although I can tell she feels a bit distant but I didn;t know why. Later after she saw an ex of hers in the street, she later cried hysterically after a few drinks. She told me she was sorry and was embarrassed. But she also told me that she still liked him.

After she sobered up she was embarrassed.

I don't know what this all means. Obviously she's not ready but I wonder if she even likes me. And even if she does, could it ever progress? The nice guy with the shoulder always gets passed by.

I'm glad to be able to make someone feel better but this feeling of hearing someone you care about talk about someone else just weighs so heavily.

[brando]

you choose to be the nice guy, their is nothing wrong with it, but sometimes you may not get the girl you want because of it.

 

i wouldnt hang out with this girl so much, start dating other girls as well and let her know that you are. If you are always available to this girl she will never see you as a person she may loose. She may never than feel attraction towards you, just friendly.

 

You dont have to be nasty, cold or ignore her completely, but you do need to look out for yourself. Start approaching other woman, date...

let her see you with other girls so she knows what she might be passing up.

 

If she is interested like you think she maybe, then this might catch her interest. Meanwhile as you date she can heal from this relationship..or date others as well... it does not matter.

 

I guess ultimately you need to decide what is more important you appearing to be a nice guy to her, and she can cry on your shoulder over an ex, or you can stand up for yourself a little and date other girls...and let her wallow in her pity.

 

good luck.

[Caldus]

You do this to yourself. There are many topics on this forum about "nice guys" (as much as I hate the term). Just read up on those.

[darkblue]

Nice guys finish last. It's a true saying.

 

While she has feelings for her ex; there is pretty much nothing you can do but be there for her. This may lead to her getting back together with him [i speak from personal experience.]

 

After that there's nothing you can do.

 

Either take Brando's advice. Or wait. Time will tell all; if you can handle it.

[Davidsan]

k i remember i used to be the nice guy (and still sorta am to sum girls that i only wana be friends with) the only advice i can give u is dont keep doin wat ure doin just like the other guy said nice guys finish last(personal expierence and its a saying from im pretty sure marius panzerrela) so take control dont always be there for her so she can realise(is she really does like u) that she needs you and good luck

[lifeiscash]

I agree completley with the other posters. It sucks doesn't it.. women don't feel attraction for a "nice guy" because there isn't that added spark, there isn't that slight challenge, and there is no reason to miss that guy. Face it, nice guys will come and go but the guys that aren't that way, she will most likely always remember. It's sad, really it is, but that is how the majority of the female mind is programmed.

 

It makes since to treat a girl well, but when it comes to attracting a girl you need to slightly do things different.. develop a new attitude and mindset then what you already have. Obviously, it's not working.. so continue to change things about you and learn to improve yourself. You can still treat girl like a gentleman (open doors for them, give her a compliment every once and awhile, and do "nice" things) but make them earn it and do it every once in awhile. One more important thing.. NEVER and I mean NEVER tell a woman what she wants to hear!! That is the biggest mistake ever. Trust me, instead joke around about things.. and don't take girl too seriously.

[darkblue]

I am intrigued to the thinking of you lifeiscash. Do you think the men that do not treat women with the care that 'nice guys' do, have worked this out already? or are they 'programmed' that way?

[lifeiscash]

DarkBlue wrote

Do you think the men that do not treat women with the care that 'nice guys' do, have worked this out already? or are they 'programmed' that way?

 

I think it really depends on the person. I think some guys.. the real jerks, the abusers, and the ones that treat women really bad are raised in a bad family setting.. and they carry this over into their new lives and relationships. I do not agree with this type of person.. its wrong to physically harm a girl, it should never be allowed.

 

As for the guys who aren't exactly nice but no where to that extreme, I believe it can go both ways. For some guys it all ties in with their confidence and self-respect and attitude that they already have when it comes to dating. I believe that the more confidence that you have about yourself the more likely you are NOT willing to go out of your way for a single girl.. and in this case would be very beneficial.

 

As for me, I used to be the nice guy. My mother raised me that way to treat every women for respect and basically treat them like a princess. Only after having my heart broke from past relationships that I wised up and starting changing things about me to better MYSELF and the way I view dating in general. Then I started to become more selfish.. I started value-ing (how do you freakin spell that?) myself more and giving less to woman. I am still a nice guy and believe in helpful and honest relationships.. but when it comes to attracting women.. you have to do things different. I do like to buy things for women occasionally or take them out to dinner.. but I let them realize that it's up to me.. and that it's pretty much a privledge for them for me to allow myself the time to spend with them.

[ShySoul]

Nice guys might finish last, but they finish best.

 

Or depending on what you mean by finish, they are the ones who finish first since the other guys will most likely still be wandering around from girl to girl while you have the women of your dreams.

 

Women feel plenty of attraction to the "nice guys" and in the end these are the guys they want to be with til death do us part. At least, thats what women tell me. And that's the compliments I get from girls who say they would love to go out with me (other things get in the way that have nothing to do with being nice or not, such as distance, past relationships leaving her feeling vulnerable, etc.).

 

Your right lifeiscash, don't tell a women what she wants to hear, say whats from your heart. If you really like her they usually end up being the same thing anyways, but by having it come honestly from the heart it shows through and she knows exactly how you sincerly feel. Girls like that and it will touch them, making them more interested in you.

 

A real nice guy is someone who doesn't even care about such rediculous labels, someone who doesn't try to get the girl. A real nice guy is nice simply to be nice, because it is the right thing to do. These guys don't go around complaining that they never get the girl, because there goal isn't to get the girl. They know that will happen when its right and aren't worried about this whole silly argument.

[mshollywod]

Thank you ShySoul...spoken like a true man. Why don't you have a girlfriend again?

[darkblue]

Touching ShySoul and my thinking exactly.

[Caldus]

Nice Guy + An "Edge" - Pushover = Success

 

"Edge" being a vague term that encompasses most attractive traits in my opinion (i.e. charisma, challenging, intelligence, wit, etc.).

[spatzcolumbo]

we all know what i'm gonna say cos i've said it in hundreds of other posts.

 

Nice guy with an edge...Just like Caldus said!

 

The edge is the clincher. All the traits of the nice guy, but with that added something!!

[darkblue]

That 'added something' is personal to the woman. What one might see as the added something another might not.

[brando]

I think it all boils down to a nice guy mostly equals a wuss. And women dont find this attractive. It isnt about scoring with every woman, not for me anyway, but that something extra a guy needs is a little conceit and humor. Self confidence is crucial. In a way it is keeping things real with the opposite sex, and not falling over them and impressing them with gifts and dinners and such only to end up losing her to d=some arrogant bad boy who lives for the thrill of it.

 

It isnt about disrespecting women or treating them badly, it is about the nice guy finally showing up and stealing one from the bad boys. It isnt about looks or money either, the magic word mentioned as well by others is attraction.

 

This whole thing isnt my bag, but i learned somethings from Double your Dating and also mentioned above Marius Panz....(whatever).

 

Nice guys allow themselves to finish list, because we sometimes are afraid to kick things up a notch and shock the woman we are after. All in all it is about having fun.

[easyguy]

You know, earlier I was reading up on link removed, and one article was talking about the ideal guys that women go for. Among the 10 on that list, the considerate/nice guy was on there.

 

link removed[/i] - 7 Types Of Guys Women Can't Resist (article)]...Surprised? You probably think that nice, considerate guys never get the woman, but consider this: Once a woman has gone through her share of the bad guy, the rude guy and the not-calling-her-back guy, she will likely reevaluate her priorities. It takes a bit of maturity on her part to realize this, but eventually, most girls come around and realize that they want a guy who will treat them well in the long run.

 

Click link removed for more from the article.

[ShySoul]

mshollywod: Why don't I have a girlfriend? Because you haven't agreed to go out with me yet. Seriously, it won't be long, trust me... and being nice is what's making it all possible.

 

Caldus and spatzcolumbo: Problem is what is "edge?" What most considers to be "edge" is an excuse to turn to the bad boy stuff, which is a direct contradiction to the very core of being a nice guy. Having two opposing components to the personality is just as likely to backfire on ya. On the other hand, the edge that I describe is one of simply throwing out the so called rules, throwing out the labels, and being you. The edge comes in being so sincere and honest that it stuns people. The edge that is usually described is so common that its barely any edge at all. But in taking a different route, that the true cutting edge.

 

brando: Nice guys aren't wusses, thats the misconception from people who don't take the time to understand what being nice is really all about. Nice guys have confidence, enough confidence to fight against the pressure to change and follow the bad boys example. They have this confidence because in their heart they have a better understanding of themselves, of women, and of life and love in general then most do. It's not about shock, its about caring about people. Having fun is fine, but games are not fun. Nice guys know what real fun is, and they have it.

 

easyguy: Three problems with that article. One, the considerate is only listed as 7th? Yet, it says that women end up with those guys in the long run. So shouldn't that be number since its who girls really want? Two, in listing so many types they have all there bases covered. Not too much of a statement when you list all the major catergories of guys on your list. It's basically saying girls go for every type fof guy. How much help is that? Three, the whole notion of labels is rediculous anyways. People go for individuals, not types.

[alboy]

Recently a friend told me she stayed at her ex's place one night because it was too late to drive home. Well the guy's on/off girl that he's been seeing rings the door and since my friend doesn't want to cause trouble she hides in the bathroom. My friend was really in love with this guy and now she's realizing what a jerk he is. She's a smart girl yet how come she couldn't see through this guy when they were together? It really upsets me that this is how things work and that us humans are such victims to our emotions.

Its beautiful and idealistic to believe the nice guy will win in the end. But its just not going to happen.

And I don't believe nice guys to be wusses. Its the fact that they put themselves out there so much because they care for the girl and her well being. But as many of you said, perhaps its not the way to be that nice. Its feels a bit selfish to live in a world like this but I guess we have to look out for #1, ourselves.

[ShySoul]

She couldn't see for the same reason you can't see or why anyone else who posts on the topic can't see... because society in general beats into our heads that nice guys finish last. When something is told to us repetively, it becomes easier to give in and follow it then to question it and believe otherwise.

 

The people who are jerks are also good manipulators. They know which buttons to push and how to take advantage of peoples emotions and weaknesses. So it becomes hard for a girl to resist when they are being told everything they want to hear.

 

But the nice guy does win, I've seen it plenty of times. And in a world that continually tells us to look out for number one, thats what makes it so much more important for some of us not to, for us to put others first. Call it idealistic, but its the dreamers who shape the future and can determine where we are all headed.

[apollocreed71]

i have known quite a few women, who took all the crap from a guy, and never the nice guys a chance. i once had a female friend, and her bf treated her like crap, and one of my male friends wanted to talk to her, he was well traveled, 4.0 college student, world class athlete, ran in the olympics....he was a little to nice for her. go figure. its not being totally mean to a girl, but if she has a hard time getting to you, all of the sudden you become more attractive. they will come to you. another crazy thing i have been talking with about friends lately, is why do more girls like you when you talk to one girl. i mean girls that do not even know you, all of the sudden want you, all when a guy is trying to have a relationship. if you are single, they just are not attracted to you.

i guess the smart guys have figured this out and usually have more women, allways a backup plan. may not be right, or end up in a long term relationship, but will always have women and relationships. i know you see a guy break up with a girl on monday, and has a new one wendesday......backup plan...

sometimes you need to be more aggressive and cruel. sometimes women like to try to change a guy like that....hence attractionf.........

[ShySoul]

backup plan...

sometimes you need to be more aggressive and cruel. sometimes women like to try to change a guy like that....hence attractionf.........

 

Yes, every girl would love to know they are the backup plan, just another number in a long, long list. Girls love the thought of someone who is aggressive and, most of all, cruel. I mean who wants someone who will actually be there for them or make them feel special. Who wants someone who will do anything for them. Someone who won't just hop into another relationship two days later. What does that say about the guy if he moves on so fast? It says he never really cared about the girl to begin with. And karma will get you in the end.

 

For these guys, they need to ask themselves something: Are they really that desparate that they need to use others like that? To only care about having a girlfriend, doesn't really matter the girl, when your heart is still empty because it isn't the right girl? That's more of a sign of a lack of confidence or insecurity then anything a nice guy could do. Don't have the courage to be alone? Afraid that you might have to look at yourself and not like what you see? Isn't that the really wussy thing to do, treat women as backups not caring about their feelings. People need to shift their views, the nice guys are the ones with confidence who win out. The jerks are the whimpy, pathetic losers who suffer far more then most realize.

[Caldus]

There shall be no game-playing done on my end. It's childish. Just don't be the typical pushover nice guy, find passions in life, have an "edge" (and I described what it was in my opinion, but most guys should have an intuitive idea as to what it is), don't be a pushover, relax, and you'll be fine. Something will come along. Patience.

[spatzcolumbo]

Caldus and spatzcolumbo: Problem is what is "edge?" What most considers to be "edge" is an excuse to turn to the bad boy stuff, which is a direct contradiction to the very core of being a nice guy

 

Shy, you are too quick to assume things. How do you KNOW that what most conider as 'the edge' is the bad boy behaviour? You really have a massive problem with the bad boy thing, but you never seem to understand that i'm not talking about anything like a 'bad boy'. As soon as you get past the idea that 'edge' doesn't have to be negative, you might get what i am talking about. Open your mind to it, and it might make sense. I'll leave it up to you, as i know you already feel confident and decided in what you say.

 

I'm talking about how a lot of perceived 'nice guys' are often seen as pushovers and are not seen as a potential mate. The edge is having the confidence, wit, intelligence, and standing up in what you believe in. Hell, maybe i just described you - but not as far as you're concerned...as soon as i mention anything about 'edge' you immediately equate it with 'bad boy'.

 

Nice guy with an edge is still fundamentally what i'd consider a nice guy. But there is enough about him to make women take that little bit more interest. Nobody knows how or why, but there is something.

 

I'm not really up for having this whole discussion again!!

[Caldus]

Yeah an "edge" is nothing negative at all. Not sure how those traits he described can be considered negative in any way. And all of those traits he just described make a person seem that much more confident around women.

[ShySoul]

I said what MOST guys consider edge is an excuse for bad boy behavior, I never specified all or you guys in particulary. But its nice to know you were quick to assume that. I think I've complimented both of you before and said that you are closer to the truth then most. The part that your still missing is that there is no need for edge period, because being nice gives you all the edge you will ever need. "Having the confidence, wit, intelligence, and standing up in what you believe in"... that's all part of a true nice guy anyways, so long as its done politely and respectfully. Why is it being thrown in as something extra when its already part of the package.

 

And all of those traits he just described make a person seem that much more confident around women.

 

Don't SEEM confident, BE confident.

 

Of course, the mere fact that being nice puts you in a separate category and that people think you have to throw on edge or anything else just says how much society still has to overcome.